[BelovedBird]

Sorry its so long, read if you can please, and give me some ideas.

As it says in my sig, my husband is very sick

and I have 10, 8 and 5 yr. old boys and am very pregnant

.
The background story:
We live in Israel but are both American. He went on a 3 week trip for business in January. He wasn't feeling well in the end of his trip. When he got home he immediately ended up in the hospital. With what was thought to be pneumonia and a kidney infection (he has spina bifida and self cathterizes, so it happens on occasion). He ended up in and out of the hospital for 3 weeks locally. Then 5 weeks in a hospital 3 hours away. Then home one week and then again in the hospital far away for over a week. During that time they were not sure why, but his kidney was quickly failing (only has one). he ended up on dialysis.

In the end of April he went to the states to register at a transplant center so he could test friends and relatives in the states. It took a lot longer than we thought to set up the prerequisite things (like medical coverage). Now we are being told that even before he can test his two friends (neither of his siblings is good, just by blood type) he needs to have the bad kidney removed, as it is infected. So, now it is just crazy for us to still be on different continents. So, the plan is to get the money together for tickets and the kids and I to join him in the states for the duration.

So thats about 2 months with their father in and out of the hospital (mostly in) and then 2 months of him on another continent. And then the prospect of moving to another (basically foreign to them) country for awhile. Only the oldest knows about the possible impending trip, and only because on the day it was first really discussed as a possibility he came in from riding his bike and said he wants to go to America to be with his father because he "is forgetting what he looks like already." I'd rather not tell them until its definite (like having the tickets or at least money for tickets in my possession).
And no, throughout this ordeal I have no been the best AP/ GD Mama. Pretty awful sometimes, in truth.

So, what are they going through? Obviously a sense of mourning, loss, missing their father, fear of the unknown the same as me. Obviously their fear of the unknown is greater because they are children and do not have the same capacity to understand the medical nitty gritty as the adults. Or maybe not, maybe they are oblivious to the fact that so much is unknown? It seems like the youngest is, but then he says stuff about his father dieing, like small comments, off to the side, that take me by surprise.

:

As much as strive to remember what its like to be a kid and I try to give them information on their level, info to a kid is not the same as info to an adult, they just don't have the knowledge or life experience to comprehend the same way. . I want to get a better grasp of what they are feeling, how they see the situation. I am thinking a lot about this especially in terms of how they [will] view the trip. Is it very, very scary or a bit of an exciting adventure? I picture myself as a child feeling either way.

Please, if you have a minute and have read this, just brainstorm with me and try and come up with a few thoughts on how you think they are experiencing this and feeling.

Thank You.

 

[merpk]

Am not much help. You already know what I think. Which isn't much.

Okay. The thing that you're leaving out here is that they are starting out with post-traumatic stress disorder anyway from having spent last summer in a war, watching rockets land in their street, then in bomb shelters, and then for a time as refugees until the situation calmed down.

Not wanting to complicate your already complicated situation for the thread, but I think that's very relevant to their mindset and what they're going through. Their stress level is already starting higher.

Now they're going from that unreal situation to one that is so immediate and real that I imagine that they're on overload. Almost like blocking it out.

Are they acting out at all? And what are their teachers telling you? Or are they telling you anything?

The trip, however, is another story. I bet they'll be very excited. (a) They're seeing their father, and (b) going to America is not something they do too often, ya' know? I'm guessing it'll be fun for them.

Will the plane ride be a problem? I'm remembering when you guys were here and your DS#1 asked me, "Isn't it scary when the planes fly over?" (We have a lot of low air traffic overhead ... but I think he was thinking about the war when he asked it. JMO.) So will he be at all phobic?

 

[LookMommy!]

BB,

First of all, hugs. I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation, once again.

My answer to you is the same as it was last time - your faith and your community are going to get you through this, and will get your boys through this as well.
Can they write some letters to G-d and mail them to the Kotel? [Western Wall].

Do they know anyone else who has a sick parent - maybe you can bring up "sometimes when people have a family member who is sick they feel... What can chessed [act of kindness] can we do to so and so whose whatever is sick?"

They might miss going to synagogue with their father. Is there a surrogate father/grandfather who would like to "adopt" them for a while on Saturday mornings? (and give you a break as well)

Are there grandparents to visit in America as well as father? Is this something they can look forward to? Can you schedule in a quick trip to an amusement park or something? (and can someone else besides you take them?)

Can you get set up with some meals for a few weeks from your synagogue community to relieve some stress?

School is ending soon. Will summer bring relief or boredom?

The three week mourning period is coming. Maybe that can provide a focus for their grief, and let them displace some of their emotions. (Healthy defense mechanism).

You have a lot to deal with - I think you might be wise to escape this summer when there will almost positively be (another) war (up North? down South?).

Is there anything practical we Israeli mamas can do for you???

Take care of yourself, Lisa

 

[BelovedBird]

Quote:

Originally Posted by merpk Okay. The thing that you're leaving out here is that they are starting out with post-traumatic stress disorder anyway from having spent last summer in a war, watching rockets land in their street, then in bomb shelters, and then for a time as refugees until the situation calmed down. Not wanting to complicate your already complicated situation for the thread, but I think that's very relevant to their mindset and what they're going through. Their stress level is already starting higher.

True. Its not like I forgot. The oldest still won't go to the back of the apartment (eg. the bathroom) by himself or flush the toilet. OR sleep on the top bunk, turned into a storage area already. I know the fact that they are starting off from there definitely does impact their feelings.

Quote:

Now they're going from that unreal situation to one that is so immediate and real that I imagine that they're on overload. Almost like blocking it out.

Middle DS is the only one who might be blocking it, just a bit. He uses his imagination and doesn't think of bad stuff often. He does "crack" every once and awhile and cry about some aspect of the situation.

Quote:

Are they acting out at all? And what are their teachers telling you?

Oh, yes, definitely acting out. The two big kids have a private tutor who learns with them and also talks to them. Besides being an excellent teacher he also donated a kidney to his brother so he can really relate to our situation.

Quote:

Or are they telling you anything?

They tell me some stuff, mostly the oldest, but the other 2 it only comes out occasionally. The truth is it is so hard for me emotionally to talk about it with them, I try not to do it often. I don't think me ending up crying intensely would really be helpful.

Quote:

The trip, however, is another story. I bet they'll be very excited. (a) They're seeing their father, and (b) going to America is not something they do too often, ya' know? I'm guessing it'll be fun for them.

That's what I'm hoping. I'm just worried about the whole leaving their friends and familiar surroundings behind and being in a strange place for so long aspect. When I tell the younger kids I'll just play up all the advantages- like America, the land of cheap playmobil!

Quote:

Will the plane ride be a problem? I'm remembering when you guys were here and your DS#1 asked me, "Isn't it scary when the planes fly over?" (We have a lot of low air traffic overhead ... but I think he was thinking about the war when he asked it. JMO.) So will he be at all phobic?

I'm sure he found it scary because of the sound. He was probably comparing it to the sound of rockets- they fly over too, and sound similar when they are further away. When they're closer they kind of whistle, when they're not making the loud BOOM crashing noise. (sorry for the gallows humor.

)
He has been on planes before and been fine. I will discuss it with him though.

 

[BelovedBird]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LookMommy! BB, First of all, hugs. I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation, once again. My answer to you is the same as it was last time - your faith and your community are going to get you through this, and will get your boys through this as well. Can they write some letters to G-d and mail them to the Kotel? [Western Wall]. Do they know anyone else who has a sick parent - maybe you can bring up "sometimes when people have a family member who is sick they feel... What can chessed [act of kindness] can we do to so and so whose whatever is sick?" They might miss going to synagogue with their father. Is there a surrogate father/grandfather who would like to "adopt" them for a while on Saturday mornings? (and give you a break as well)

Good suggestions. Yes, as I mentioned above they have their "tutor". I don't know what we will have in the states when Dh will be hospitalized, but hopefully we will find a support network.

Quote:

Are there grandparents to visit in America as well as father? Is this something they can look forward to? Can you schedule in a quick trip to an amusement park or something? (and can someone else besides you take them?)

They don't need much for excitement. We don't even have a real playground locally. Last time we were in the states they were thrilled with a trip to the zoo and an indoor play place. Even playgrounds thrill them. The advantage of simple, small town living.

Quote:

Can you get set up with some meals for a few weeks from your synagogue community to relieve some stress?

Actually someone just gave arranged to get us meals. Got our first one today.

It certainly puts my mind at ease to not have to worry about one meal a day.

Hopefully we will be flying next week, so it won't be for long. But the we will be in brooklyn. where there is takeout.

Quote:

School is ending soon. Will summer bring relief or boredom?

Hopefully, they will be going to day camp in the states. But anyway here, in their school there isn't really summer vacation.

Quote:

The three week mourning period is coming. Maybe that can provide a focus for their grief, and let them displace some of their emotions. (Healthy defense mechanism).

Yeah, I guess, I just don't want them to dwell to much on sadness. Last year during the three weeks (thats a link for anyone cinfused as to what we are talking about) because of the war, Rav Eliyahu sanctioned the playing of live music, for the idea that when things are TOO sad it is not good.

Quote:

You have a lot to deal with - I think you might be wise to escape this summer when there will almost positively be (another) war (up North? down South?).

Yeah, I was thinking of that. i hope there won't be a war.

Quote:

Is there anything practical we Israeli mamas can do for you??? Take care of yourself, Lisa

Thank you if I think of anything I'll let you know.

 

[BelovedBird]

Any other perspectives??

 

[Anna06]

 

[3daughters]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BelovedBird That's what I'm hoping. I'm just worried about the whole leaving their friends and familiar surroundings behind and being in a strange place for so long aspect. When I tell the younger kids I'll just play up all the advantages- like America, the land of cheap playmobil!

Kids are pretty resilient and do tend to look forward to things. They will get out of school early and have a fun adventure in America. What a great way to spend the summer, right? A lot of it will be in how you present it to them.

Let me know if you'll be in town...

 

[LynnS6]

I can't imagine what you're all going through.

Some different ideas/perspectives. First, you need to care for yourself - as you noted, your stress level is pretty high too, and you can't be a decent parent if you're too stressed. And you are a single parent, terrified about your husband's health, 34 weeks pregnant, contemplating a cross-continental move. You are at extreme risk for pre and postpartum depression.

Model good 'self-care' for your kids. Put on your own oxygen mask, so to speak, so you can help them with theirs.

Second, any way to 'play' out some of their fears - especially with the middle and younger sons? Play act, act out with toys or tell stories about people going away or being sick? Have them co-construct them? Kind of like home-made play therapy, KWIM? If you haven't read "Playful Parenting" by Larry Cohen, pick up a copy when you make it to Brooklyn - it's a great book and might help a lot.

Or have them draw what they're feeling. Maybe let them keep a 'drawing journal' that they can choose to show you or not.

Have them write letters to their dad. There's something more cathartic about a letter rather than a phone call (if that's even possible). The younger one can dictate to you and draw pictures. The older ones can write/draw.

Any family counseling opportunities? In Israel or in the US when you get there?

I would be fairly direct with them about what's going on - sometimes kids imagine things being worse than they are. They need to know where things stand. "You know Dad is sick. He's in the States to get a new kidney. We have faith that someone will donate a kidney for him and then he will be OK, but he's going to be sick until that happens, and then he's going to need to recover. Because that's going to take a long time, we're going to go stay with him for awhile." (It sounds like the tickets are close.)

Good luck - and sending prayers for a speedy recovery for your dh and that the whole family heals soon.

 

[mamaduck]

Yes, about the need to play through, draw through, journal through, and talk through their experiences. A lot. It would be understandable for you not to be strong enough to be the recipient of all of the venting they need to do though -- a counselor would be helpful.

The five year old is likely to have the lowest level of resilience right now. I know that it might LOOK like little guys bounce back easily, but really, they are internalizing a lot of the experience into their development. The older ones are better equiped to talk out/think out their fears and anxieties. Preschool and kindergarten age children are the most intensely affected age group among children who have one parent "away," especially when that parent's life is at risk. The littlest one will need the most creative outlets for expression.

All the kids need to understand that the subject of their Dad, and their feelings about the situation, are acceptable. It seems like you are doing well with this!! They need to experience a level of openess in general. That doesn't mean that sometimes you can't admit that its nots a good time, or that you can't talk about it right this minute. But overall -- don't let it become taboo, kwim? The only think worse than being scared, worried and lonely is being scared, worried and lonely and believing that you are not allowed to talk about it.

Bring up the subject of the war and violence the experienced last year. Communicate that its okay to process that, think about it, talk about it and have feeling about it -- even with this new trauma going on. Its not disloyal to Dad to be worried about other things.

Its also not disloyal to Dad to have complaints about every-day stressors. Its okay to be annoyed with changes in routine, responsiblity, environment, etc. Its okay to get upset about everyday stuff, they don't have to be heroic.

Be open with them about the status of Dad's health, but use simple terms. It makes sense not to drag them through emotional ups and downs when things are uncertain by giving too much information -- its enough to say, "Things are uncertain right now, and thats hard for us." But be very careful not to hide things or keep secrets. This can be very damaging.

A support group of children who have sick parents is a really good idea. Its really helpful for kids to realize that they are not alone in this kind of scary experience. Hearing that other kids have the same scary, angry, sad feelings helps to normalize their experience. They can let go of some worry this way. They also get a chance to see a variety of coping mechanisms in practice, and maybe learn to imitate some of the more effective methods. They have increased support, and they have the opportunity to see outcomes for some kids that gives hope.

 

[mamamelia]

no advice, just alot of hugs.

 

[mamaverdi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BelovedBird Any other perspectives??

Please let us know what we can do for you once you get to the States.

I would like for my boys to put together a care package for you all, and send it. My youngest faces kidney transplant at some point in his life. And they very much understand medical stress.

We might be making a trip there this summer; we're not sure, but please let us know.

As far as understanding what they are feeling: I don't think any of you are going to understand, really understand what you are feeling, what is happening for a long time. I believe it comes slowly to allow it to be processed without sending you into severe shock.

I also think that being close to their daddy will be for the best.

Do you have arrangements already to have your baby in NYC?

Much

and

 

[joesmom]

Hey... I had no idea you are going through so much. I didn't know you are expecting again, either...

I am very sorry your family is going through such a rough time. I wish we lived nearby so we could get together while you are here. I would love for Joe to be able to hang out with your boys, & to be able to meet YOU- & I wish I could help you out in some way.

:

Please keep us updated. You will be in my thoughts.

 

[Ruthla]

No advice, just hugs and an invitation to come visit us (I have a minivan and I'm not far from a railroad station) if you're up to a visit to Long Island.

 

[*LoveBugMama*]

I couldn`t read this and not post. I have no advice, just a hug.

:

I will be praying for you and your loved ones.

 

[kroonkles]

BB, don't have tons of time now cause it's erev shabbos, but I wanted to say that my mom was sick and hospitalized a couple times when I was a kid. For some odd reason, I don't remember feeling that anxious about it. Maybe I didn't really know so much. If I knew then what I know now I would have been pretty scared.

As far as the trip, I think I would have been very excited to go.

Sorry so brief.

Hugs and R"S and B'shaah Tova and good Shabbos

 

[BelovedBird]

Thanks all for the hugs and advice, wish me "luck" we are leaving in the morning for the airport (by morning I mean before the sun comes up). I'm almost finished packing and I think the kids are sleeping.

 

[eri_flores]

Again, just someone offering hugs and love to you and family. Safe trip and I hope you have some connections here when you arrive in Brooklyn. I'm sure there are many mommas here who would be able to help if you are short on "real life" connections. Just let us know. Also, I saw your other post about the BBC and wanted to say that I worked there recently for a bit as a nursing student doing an internship. If you are still deciding about where to birth and want another perspective, feel free to pm me. I just preferred not to post to the general forum (not because it's bad!!).

Be well.

 

[lilylidou]

I think the most good advice is a hug.

 

[sonorandelight]

I can't imagine what you are going through. But I can imagine what your children are going through as I lost my father right before I turned 8. So here are some things that I experienced, perhaps they're relevant.

Guilt - on so many levels its painful. A childs ego will create the worst understandings of whats happening. They might feel like the illness is their fault. Another source of guilt is attached to a pulling away. If the pain is insufferable the children may begin to detach emotionally from their father (or you) and this might be a source of guilt.

Victim - way is this happening to my dad? Why doesn't G_d love me enough to have a healthy father?

Separation or isolation - Are there peers for the children whose parent is ill or deceased. This was particularly hard on me. I felt like a pariah. A social outcast. And at that age its terrifying to feel alone.

And I think the last one was an era thing. I wasn't allowed to feel sad. I don't remember anyone offering to hold me while I wept my tears of anger and sadness and fear. My emotions (and therefore my humanity) were not honored or tended to.

I pray for wellness for you all.