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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Lovely mamas,<br><br>
A close friend has just lost her babe at about 30 weeks. My heart is breaking, I am sick with grief for her loss. I had a baby recently and after I found out, he won't stop crying. My poor girl, I just want to hug her, hold her. I know words are nothing right now.<br><br>
Please help me to know what to do, to prevent hurting her more. She left a message at work saying that she didn't want any acknoledgement. I feel helpless, I don't know if this applies to me. I am on leave right now. Should I just leave her a letter, telling her how much I am thinking of her, without being specific? My mum and her closest friend ( out of the country) think I should knock on the door, but I am so afraid of intruding on her grieving. Plus, I know I would just burst into tears. Please advise me, mothers who have suffered this way.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
Objects, gifts mementos.. would this be an insult. I would like to dedicate a star to her angel later on, but now, I don't know.
 

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Lupena, a letter would be a very kind gesture.<br><br>
I'm not sure what to do about showing up on her doorstep....it's such an individual thing.<br><br>
I told friends that I didn't need anything after our m/c's, and they respected that. Part of me kind of wishes somebody would have shown up though, brought me soup and magazines and cried with me or just distracted me.<br><br>
IMHO, it's okay if you cry when you see her. She is not alone in her pain.<br><br>
You are such a good friend, to care so much!<br><br>
Keri
 

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As a mom who lost her baby (at 39 weeks), the best comfort I got were from my friends and family who told me it was going to be okay. At first, I defiantely needed time to myself to grieve with my finance. But, after a week or two, I wanted my friends to come see me. I needed to talk about her, show them pictures, talk about the dreams I had for her. I would definately call her and say, I am thinking about you and I am so sorry, I would like to come visit you when you are ready. She most likely won't call you back, or maybe she will, so my advice would be to show up with some flowers, trust me she will be happy to see you. Yes, you just had a baby, she is aware of that, don't bring it up unless she asks as this is a touchy subject. I had 3 friends who were pregnant when my girl passed and I had to see them, I felt like I had to protect them and say what happened to me won't happen to you. It was sort of strange, but I felt okay to see them even if they were pregnant.<br><br>
Your friend is a parent still even though her child is not with her anymore. I think she doesn't want any acknowledgement because in her mind she might think that she failed. Thats how I felt, I was like giving birth is the most natural thing in the world, its what our bodies are meant to do. So when you baby dies inside of you, it feels as though we have failed. Give her time, she will most likely feel different after a while.<br><br>
As a grieving parent, It gets so tiring when you are stuck in the house crying all the time. Visiting with friends is refreshing, it reminds you that life goes on and that there is hope. I truly liked it when friends came over. You don't even have to say anything, just go over and be with her. TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THIS.....IGNORING HER DURING THIS TIME WILL DO MORE DAMAGE THEN HELP HER. I remember after a month or two, I came to realize who my REAL friends were. Those who came over right away just to give me a hug, those who called and left messages on my phone, those who emailed me or wrote me a note just to say I am thinking about you, those who dropped by unannonced to drop off food and everyone, and I mean everyone who came to her service. I had some good friends, who I thought were good friends, not say anything to me, just because they were uncomfortable about the whole situation. I realized that they aren't my real friends after all.<br><br>
Your doing a good thing for your friend already by asking for suggestions. I hope my info has helped a bit. Its a difficult time, probably the most difficult thing your friend will every go through in her entire life, but as a friend, you can be there for her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you Angela, l-cat.. for your wonderful responses. What you have gone through just makes my heart ache.<br><br>
I hurt for her so badly. All night I thought of her- the rain was just pouring down. Angela, you know, we're here in Vancouver, not a ray of light to lighten the darkness.<br><br>
She phoned me this morning to tell me, but someone at work had told me last night. I couldn't pretend he hadn't as soon as I heard her voice, I just started cracking up. She asked me to tell a mutual good friend who's out of the country ( a best friend ) and tell her " never to talk about it" Is this normal? The poor, poor girl... I am immobilized by her grief. I just want to go plant a tree in an impossibly beautiful spot, in all this rain, to mark the passing of this blazing little spirit.<br><br>
what courage it took to call, even if it was to say, don't talk about it. What doe this mean?<br><br>
She had in vitro, would this matter at this point, to her feelings. I hate, hate, hate the thought that she might be blaming herself.<br><br>
Angela, l-cat... would it be ok to just leave a note tonight, yes, i'm sure... but anything else. Food, mementoes they seem so trifling right now. Should I wait for a bit, like you said angela? just bring the note, not knock. I told her I wouldn't say a word, I just want to hold her.
 

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Yes it would be a good idea to write her a nice note. Tell her you are thinking about her and that you will be there for her whenever she needs you.<br><br>
I am not sure at this point why she wants to pretend it didn't happen. I think maybe a defence mechanism. She is still pretty early in her grief so she hasn't had time to process what just happened. Did she already give birth to baby? Or did she just find out?<br><br>
It must be so hard because she had invitro, which means pregnancy doensn't come so easy for her. She worked really hard to get her baby here, so to end up loosing it so late, is very traumatic.<br><br>
It also can't be good for her mood with all the rain in Vancouver, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: its so depressing as it is. When we lost maddy in January of this year, it was pretty rainy. I lived in Deep Cove, so you know how dark and depressing it is there. I just hid in my room and cried......but you know I eventually was able to get up and talk with my family.<br><br>
Anyways, your doing a good thing, maybe in a bit you should go over to her house and give her that hug you've been wanting to do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
thanks Angela, so much. She hasn't given me any details about the loss... but the whole time she was pregnant she wouldn't touch my little fella, which didn't hurt me, but I found it strange. I felt so much trepidation, fear, so awful. Thank you for sharing your feelings... so important when I think of the dark place you were not long ago. I don't know if she went into labour or not, I shudder to think.
 

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Lupena,<br><br>
I am sorry for your friend's loss. Thank you for reaching out here. The mamma's here are incredible. Speaking from experience, I did the 'don't talk to me about it/don't acknowledge it' too. Mine was a self preservation decision. I couldn't talk about it, I didn't want to have others talk to me about it...I needed time to process what I had gone through and have since moved on to talking about it. She will get there eventually, in her own time.<br><br>
It is a hard thing; not knowing what to do. The worst thing would to do nothing. She is sad, you can not make her more sad by providing a gesture of sympathy. For your sake and your new baby (I bet he is picking up on your stress hence the crying) knock on the door. Give her the card/note and a hug...let her know you are there for her. Maybe mention you would like to call in a few days and see what she says. I don't know anyone that got mad because someone gave them a hug. If she doesn't really want one, you will be able to tell with her body language. If she does, you'll know too.<br><br>
Thank you for being such a good friend. She will need it...maybe not today or tommorrow, but when she is ready she will know those that are there for the 'long haul'.<br><br>
When she does start to talk, let her share the details if she wants to. That was the one thing I didn't like. How she got to where she is is not important to how you can be there for her.<br><br>
A big hug from me to you for being there for her.<br><br>
Micheline<br>
(a rainy Victoria-n)
 

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Lupena--<br><br>
You are absolutely poetic, a letter from you would be perfect.<br><br>
Micheline and Angela Dawn are right, your friend is just doing what she feels she needs to do to get through this. Because she doesn't want anything now doesn't mean she won't need some attention and talking and cry time later.<br><br>
Her world just got ripped apart. There is no manual that tells her how to put it back together, or tells anyone else how to help her.<br><br>
Just be there for her, if not in person then via letter, email, package.... or planting trees in the rain. Follow her lead, but also your heart.<br><br>
And please don't ache for me...the sun is shining again, I'm okay. Someday your friend will be some sort of okay too. Different, but okay. Thank you for helping her.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"><br><br>
Keri<br><br>
on another thread a blanket was given to a mama who had lost a child, maybe you could give her a blanket to wrap around her, until she's ready for the arms of a friend...
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Keri,<br><br>
What a beautiful idea. It gave me the shivers. And thank you for giving me that image of hope, of how you are doing now- I felt as if I could just see someone straightening up, walking tall- an image of hope.<br><br>
Micheline X 4 thanks you too, for your thoughts and sincerity.<br><br>
Angela, thanks again.. I'm taking all your advice. How nice to know there is so much faith, and optimism in the face of such intense sadness. It feels better to know you are out there.<br><br>
Now I will have to find a subtle, respectful way of giving her this resource to help her in a time of such need....
 

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Give her a hug and lend her your ears. That means so much just to have someone listen to our thoughts and feelings. If you are scared to say something to her in fear it may come out wrong or hurt her even more...do not say it. I was just hurt the other day when one of my friends said (we haven't talked in a few months) "Its part of life. It was her time" I was red hot pissed. Sometimes ppl can unintentionally say things that hurt others....so try to be careful.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> for you and your friend<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/candle.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Candle">
 

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Lupena-<br><br>
The blanket wasn't my idea, I read it on one of the other threads. It is a comforting idea, isn't it?<br><br>
You're welcome. The pain from these kind of losses won't ever really go away, but they don't always stay on the surface and suck all of the air out of life. You will see a lot of pain here, the absolute deepest despair....but you will also see strength and healing and survival. It will be okay again, it's just a fact.<br><br>
Oh, and my personal opinion on why your friend wouldn't touch your baby boy...if she has been dealing with infertility, perhaps he was just impossibly beautiful to her, and she wanted him as her own too much to even let herself get close. Trust me, being infertile and being around babies, that's a hard thing to deal with. She must really love you and value your friendship.<br><br>
Around here, taking food to someone who is enduring a loss is just what you do. Her body has gone through an awful lot, she has all those hormones plummeting, and she is probably in no state of mind to cook. Taking care of her physical self will help, as she figures out how to take care of her spirit.<br><br>
There are other threads on this board about what you can do and say, and some things not to say....they could be very helpful also.<br><br>
Hang in there, stay strong.<br><br>
Keri
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
thanks everyone, I left a very hearfelt letter, with very careful, loving language. Nothing specific, just to tell her how special she is, and that I love her- that my heart is breaking for her. I left it on her doorstep ( she doesn't live particularly close by, so not knocking the door was a gesture of respect, I really wanted to..) I didn' t leave enything else yet, though I will in a weeks time. Right now I don't want to sully anything.<br><br>
I also emailed her and wrote in my letter that there was nothing I wanted to do more than just give her a hug and not say a word... but she's pretty reserved with her emotions, I didn't want to force her into it. When she told me to tell our best friend to 'never ever mention it' something in me justsort of folded up in concern, you know, like I'm afraid she won't allow herself to acknowledge this passsing even herself, because it hurts to much. Its like she was expecting to lose, sad beyond words.
 
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