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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am losing the AP battle in my house...
I can back up all my arguments with facts and books i've read, but that offends him. Should I pick my battles? Like extended breastfeeding over cosleeping, etc? Should I compliment him more? He feels uninvolved in the parenting. He says breastfeeding past a year is WIERD and he wants his bed back. The baby does take up two thirds of our bed every night. So that one I understand...help me! Has anyone gone through this/what worked/any suggestions?

Thank you....
 

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Hmmm, speeking as an AP dad, I'd say that he feels uninvolved because he is uninvolved. Tell him to get involved. My role is to put dd to sleep every night. She's older now, but when she was an infant, it was my role to change her diapers at night so mama could get a break. Tell him to get over the weird thing. It's not. Wanting his bed back I can see, but still. What's more important to him? The health and well being of his child or having more mattress to sleep on? I loved sleeping all together. Sure, it was uncomfortable sometimes, but when dd would snuggle up to me at night, my heart would melt. I don't know, give that man of yours a kick in the booty and tell him to really open up his heart to the child, quit whining and stop being such a dork about nursing. I don't want this to come off as too harsh, but really. How old is he? Tell him to post here. I'll talk to him.
 

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I'd tend to agree w/ pp, sounds like your hubby needs to suck it up a lil! now don't just go saying that to him, but maybe if you phrased like, "I need you to help me w/ this, to be strong about this, because it's the best for OUR child ( the breast-feeding)" then maybe ask HIM to do some research and to see if he can find anything factual that says that you should ween befroe a year, which I'm sure he'll only find stuff that says to nurse longer. As for co-sleeping, have you thought about getting another bed? that's what we do because dh is scared he's gonna roll on our lil one, although he sleeps w/ our older dd in the other bed. I mean, if you have the space to do it...HTH, good luck w/ the ap battle!!
 

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Some more thoughts on your husband getting involved, if he's offended when you bring up facts or statistics, then give him your sources and have him read them. That way he is learning and being involved with the process.
A question - did you and he discuss in depth what was involved with AP befor your child was born? If not, now is a good time. If so, then it would seem he didn't really realise what was involved. Does he work long hours? Does he basically leave the child rearing to you? If he works long hours I can understand why he would be stand-offish about the slepping together. I agree about a second bed. We have a queen sized futon next to a full futon on the floor. Our dd is old enough to sleep in the full size with a guard. We snugged the queen sized next to her bed. So basically it's a huge sleeping area. Plenty of room for all if you have the space. It is wall to wall mattress. It's also fun for the kids to bounce on.
If he leaves the childrearing to you and now is complaining then he really needs to get involved more. He can practice putting your child to sleep. It takes time to figure this out as a dad and it is never too early to start.
As far as the breast feeding and weaning, he may find medical opinion that a year is fine, but the World Health Org. says the average to ween around the world is three to four years. So, in some cultures it is longer. It is not weird, it is healthy for the child.
I hope this does help. Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Wow...thanks.

I am not sure how well the suck it up approach will work. Hmmmm....
I talked him into at least using the cradle right next to me, or trying the crib as a side car for a while. We'll see what happens.

And yes, he does work long hours, and yes, he does pretty much leave the parenting up to me. He is great with the babe, but does bring him right back if he gets upset. We're learning.
 

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For us AP was a no brainer. Both my wife and I had desires to change the way things were with our upbringing.

One benefit that results from AP is that your child will be more independent, will enjoy his/her time alone, and in no way clinging.

I think that if he knows that by focusing on the chlid in these criticial months that dowm the road his children will actual want their independence. Is he aware that by pushing the baby out that the opposite effect will occur.

Our almost two year old left us. She demanded her independence. she loves her room and even demands time by herself. she will actually tell us "bye-bye mommie, bye-bye daddy" when she wants her space. It cracks us up.

We think AP is the less stressful path to child rearing.

It is all about the child, but the parents benefit in so many ways,

I work full time. My wife is stay at home. We had a UC with our second child.

You got to work at parenting.

I have never hugged my dad. Men don't hug. That was my upbringing.

I will hug and kiss my sons and daughters forever.

that's my two cents worth.
 

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Try not to think of it as a battle, because then someone loses.
It's a series of issues, each of which is ready for compromise.

Problem solve each issue instead of trying to agree on philosophy.
So, for the bed...if the problem is that she takes up too much room, fix that. Get a bigger bed, put her on the floor on her own mattress, side car the crib, or teach her to sleep more tucked up.
For the nursing, don't argue about final dates or extended bfing, but find out why it's not appropriate. If it's her size, that doesn't really have much to do with a birthday. She is no bigger one day later. Simple things like her not using verbal cues to ask or not nursing while wearing shoes might be enough to solve his problem with and "older child" nursing. Should you have to do these things? No, but if it gets him on board 100%, then I think it's worth it.
I would try the attitude that is "okay, lets find the easiest solution that works for us both" rather than "outline YOUR problem so I can talk you out of it". Take each issue at face value (even if it's stupid) and work to fix it.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by buddhasmomma
I am losing the AP battle in my house...
I can back up all my arguments with facts and books i've read, but that offends him.
In my home, it had to be an on-faith thing...I have gone along with a lot of AP just because my wife feels SO strongly about it and I have faith in her, even though many things seemed counter-intuitive and unpleasant for me. Now I have come to agree with AP in spirit and most particulars.

This has happened only through experience. A careful examination of the legit scientific literature related will NOT convince many people that AP is worth the trouble; this is no doubt due to lack of study and prejudice within the medical establishment, but on the AP side you find a lot more anecdotes than advanced degrees and this will tend to turn a 'scientific' type off.
 

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I struggled with trying to sleep on a few inches of bed in the beginning. At first I was afraid I'd role over and hurt my son accidentally. My wife would nurse during the night and having our son co-sleep made sense. I ended up on the floor some nights as my moving around on the bed awakened my wife and baby. I wasn't happy with the arrangement initially, but saw no other alternative until my wife suggested we buy a twin bed and place it side by side w/our queen. She and our son slept on the queen w/me on the twin. We are all very happy now. Our bedroom looks a bit funny, like one huge bed, but we're happy. Plenty of room for everyone.
 

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My dh did not come on board w/ AP until we went to a LLL conference when dd was 15 months. Prior to that, we had many, many fights that were so ugly, I thought at the minimum we would be having no more children and at the maximum we'd be divorcing. The conference showed him that I wasn't the only person in the world doing what I thought was best and that other families could be happy while doing it.

It has still been difficult for him; he can be rather selfish, as this is what he was taught. I also believe that he didn't receive the nurturing htat he needed while young and growing so it's not as easy for him. I don't know that I rec'd it either, but I think for moms, all the hormones help.

Can you find other AP families to hang out w/? We haven't had too much luck w/ this, but this may help. I know that part of the problem w/ my dh was that the only advice he ever heard was everything opposite of what I thought we needed to do.

You can PM if you want to talk more. I hope some of this helps.

Children are an investment; the more you invest, the more you all gain. Maybe that will get him.
Sus
 

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I would in no way be in the definition of AP, so take what I say with a grain of salt. My wife is very into AP and I am very into "instinct". Luckily, they coincide nicely as most of what I wanted to do is what AP suggests. #1. One of my differing views about AP is the co-sleeping. I believe that our daughters bed is in her room, but that she is more than welcome to join us in our bed if she needs to for any reason. When she falls asleep, she goes in her bed. She sleeps just fine in there. When she wakes up in the night, we give her what she needs as far as comfort/feeding/changing/the works. We then put her back in her own bed to sleep and she goes to sleep nicely most of the time. On the nights she doesn't, we happily bring her into our bed. She is more than welcome there. This is something my wife agrees with as well. But her reasoning is that she can't get any sleep when the baby is in the bed because every slight movement causes her to wake up.

I am not for 100% co-sleeping. She falls asleep and we put her in her bed, she's happy and sleeps for extended periods. 2 5+ hour stretches most nights. Through the nights others. In the mornings, she makes a "I'm here" noise, we go in and she's smiling from ear to ear. We love our daughter, when she cries we go and give her what she needs.

Breastfeeding past a year.. Our daughter is 5 months old and she's still going perfectly with BF. I'm on board with instinct here. My wife is adamant about going well past a year in BF. Why would I argue it? If that seems like the right thing for us _at one year_ then we'll do it. But to assume that 7 months from now it will be the right or wrong thing doesn't work. Frankly, we're at 5 months old and get dirty looks whenever my wife is BF. (she does it so discretely, it's shocking to hear what some people say) No one has said anything while I'm around yet, but I certainly welcome them to. I'll be happy to tell them to jump off a bridge. My feeling is. As long as you're being discrete about it, why would anyone be offended? When I say discrete, I mean covering with a blanket, covering with the sling or exposing slightly.

When you assume "it's going to be dirty to BF past 1 year" or wrong or whatever and aren't even there it seems you need to pick the battles at the time. Why fight over something that isn't going to happen for a while? Take it naturally. What if at 10 months your child weans completely? The argument and strife would have been pointless. Will they wean at 10 months? Who knows? But why argue it now. This was a breakthrough in our marriage. To live life for today, and not to get angry or upset about the "future and what might happeN"

My point all along with my wife is that we should read a lot, learn a lot and then do what comes natural. Co-sleeping isn't right or wrong. It works for some people and it doesn't work for others.

I won't sleep in a side car bed, I won't sleep on the floor. I don't think that makes me wrong, it's just a differing view point. To those that will, more power to you. I wouldn't expressly say that your husband is just "wrong". And I will warn you about him "doing research" I found a lot of things that coutered what my wife was saying. What that string of events led us to was that "There are a lot of ways to parent out there, let's quit listening to the experts so much and do what works best for _both of us_" There are experts on every single topic and if you want to you can make a case for anything.

Richard
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by buddhasmomma
I am losing the AP battle in my house...
I can back up all my arguments with facts and books i've read, but that offends him. Should I pick my battles? Like extended breastfeeding over cosleeping, etc? Should I compliment him more? He feels uninvolved in the parenting. He says breastfeeding past a year is WIERD and he wants his bed back. The baby does take up two thirds of our bed every night. So that one I understand...help me! Has anyone gone through this/what worked/any suggestions?

Thank you....
You could try a side car. Take the baby's crib (if he/she has one), remove one side and tether it to the side of your bed. That way you all have your own space and you can still night breast-feed if you are still doing that.

I also find it helps to have him talk to one of your friends/friends' husband that believes in what you do. Hearing it from other people can help him listen better.

I had a male friend who was bitching about his wife doing the things you are. I talked with him about how normal/beneficial the things were and he was surprised to hear that other people do it too. IT really helped him to see things from a different perspective.

And it sounds lame, but the complimenting him thing really does work. Compliment him on his parenting skills. Give him something to grab on to. He needs your support just as much as you need his. You might be surprised at how much better he feels if he thinks YOU think he is doing a good job.
 

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My hubby and I had some similar issues. With Co sleeping I just started sleeping in the spare room with my dd...it wasn't that he didn't like cosleeping, just that he had to go to bed by 8 pm and up by 330am for work so it didn't work for him...after a while (and after dd stopped waking up 4x a night) he came to OUR bed and started sleeping with us...funny because the spare bed is a full sized bed and Jason's bed is a queen!

The other thing that happened with us--Carly was about to turn 2...Jason asked when I would stop nursing since it was 'starting to get weird'...at that time I was just starting to get geared up to do my LLL Leadership application! I looked at him like he was crazy and I told him (now, this isn't nice..and I don't advise doing this...but it worked for us...)--hey buddy...if you think it is weird, don't look...but it is between me and Carly...it makes her happy...who are you to say I should take that away from her? Just because it makes you uncomfortable? Humph!!
Anyways...I later sat him down and told him how much it hurt my feelings that he thought it was weird. And that I know it may be hard for him to understand but that nursing is like a security for her and she needs me etc... That seemed to do the trick...now he doesn't worry about it...even when I tell him I think she is weaning, he doesn't say "GOOD" or anything like I expected him to.
Oh well...not much help to you, but I wanted to let you know how NOT ALONE you are!
 
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