[sophmama]

I've come through a lot of relationship crap. Divorce, abuse, etc. I'm really wanting to figure out what it is I expect from my love relationships and what I should expect of myself. I thought developing a 'code of ethics' might help me be able to compare my circumstances with 'how it should be'. Hope that makes sense.

What would be on your own "code of ethics" How would you word it? What is important to you? Please share!

 

[sunnmama]

It mostly comes down to kindness and respect for us.

I like the idea of mindful speech. Before speaking, asking yourself: Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true? By applying that principle, I've found I have far fewer critical things to say to my dp as the years go by

 

[tanyam926]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunnmama It mostly comes down to kindness and respect for us. I like the idea of mindful speech. Before speaking, asking yourself: Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true? By applying that principle, I've found I have far fewer critical things to say to my dp as the years go by

I like this.

 

[*MamaJen*]

I will be listening with interest. I've been thinking about this myself, and my list goes:
--Are you addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography or online games?
--Do you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or Passive Aggressive Disorder?
--Are you hostile, jealous, terrible with money, cruel to animals or rude to wait staff?
--Are you a musician in an up and coming local band?
If so, management regrets to inform you that you are not welcome in Jen's dating life.

 

[Roxswood]

Honesty, with kindness. I believe I need to know everything DH thinks and feels and that I need to communicate everything I think and feel about him to him. Its vital to be loving and gentle with one another though at the same time.

I know most people think we're nuts but it works for us. We're bestest friends and still head over heels for each other after 11 years.

 

[A&A]

I think it's really important to feel like you are "on the same team" instead of constantly fighting each other.

If a relationship feels like A LOT of work, then maybe it's too much work.

Also ask yourself:

Does he lift you up or tear you down?

 

[A&A]

Also if you're thinking about finding a new relationship, stay off birth control (use condoms instead.) BC messes up your instinctive sense of smell, and you'll pick the wrong guy.

 

[Satori]

There was an awesome list someone linked from here to http://mssinglemama.com but I can't find it on the site anymore, anyone know the list I'm talking about?

 

[Rose-up]

This is our list of "family rules," but I've found that it helps me most with my relationship with dh in that these things are not always as easy with him as compared with my girls:
- Be kind
- Be respectful
- Be truthful
- Be safe
- Be accountable

Although this list was originally conceived as a way to convey character qualities to our girls and give them a checklist of sorts that they could use to learn and grow, it's really a two way street. Not only should we be kind, respectful, etc to other people, but we are all also valuable enough to deserve the same in return. IMO, if any of the above aren't true from either side, it's time to reevaluate the worth of the relationship.

 

[bumblecat]

Quote:

Originally Posted by *MamaJen* I will be listening with interest. I've been thinking about this myself, and my list goes: --Are you addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography or online games? --Do you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or Passive Aggressive Disorder? --Are you hostile, jealous, terrible with money, cruel to animals or rude to wait staff? --Are you a musician in an up and coming local band? If so, management regrets to inform you that you are not welcome in Jen's dating life.

This reminded me of an email I sent my DP right before our first date. I had to go look it up in my archives:

"Are you sure there are no addictions, religious fanaticism, mental illness, life threatening communicable disease, shocking fetishes, seedy criminal history or abusive rages you'd care to disclose now and save us the trouble?"

There weren't, so we got seriously busy, lol.

As for a code for less deal-breaky things, I'd have to think a bit. I have a good one and don't spend time thinking about all the qualities I'd like to avoid in the future like I did in my last relationship.

 

[Storm Bride]

hmm...I think zuleicamoon got it.

I'll say that, for me, if I ever caught a guy in a lie, that would be it. No second chances. We're done.

Oh - and, yeah - if a guy is nice to me, but not to people he doesn't think are important (receptionists, waitresses and cashiers come to mind), he can go somewhere else.

Respect, honestly, kindness - all so important.

 

[Theia]

Quote:

Originally Posted by *MamaJen* I will be listening with interest. I've been thinking about this myself, and my list goes: --Are you addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography or online games? --Do you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or Passive Aggressive Disorder? --Are you hostile, jealous, terrible with money, cruel to animals or rude to wait staff? --Are you a musician in an up and coming local band? If so, management regrets to inform you that you are not welcome in Jen's dating life.

I like this. I think I would also ask if they had ever been in an abusive relationship and would they mind if I do a background check. I know it's a little much, but if they can't handle it, if they have something to hide, then they aren't for me. I'd let them do a background check on me just to be fair. Having been in an abusive relationship as well, I think the right guy would understand where I am coming from as a woman and a mother.

Do they have references, family, friends IRL that you feel comfortable around?

Good question and lots of really good suggestions as well.