[mamalita]

Well, not ALL children, mostly his age (he turned 4 in June) and younger. He is kind-of okay with older children. And he definitely is uncomfortable with babies - even yelling "go away!" or "I don't like your baby!" (or something equally embarrassing) when he sees one. He seems the most comfortable with adults. I'm wondering if it's because he and I are together all the time? He's never gone to preschool (we're gonna try homeschooling) or daycare. Heck, he's never even had a sitter (even a relative). If I need to get a haircut, etc. he hangs out with DH.

Should I be worried about this? He's been this way for as long as I can remember. We tried community-sponsored playgroups but he didn't seem to have any fun and often ended up grabbing/pushing another child. We've tried one-on-one playdates and these were usually disastrous/stressful and he's even told me, "I don't like A." or "I don't like L." I heard that at 3 children became much more interested in playing with peers, but at 4 I'm still waiting for this to happen. I'm also dying of lonliness as I'm craving companionship from someone other than DS (and DH when he gets home at night).

He's sociable, as he wants me to play with him all day, but that's all he wants. Oh, and he's definitely a "spunky" boy - he'd typically be labeled as "spirited". I'm at a loss. Has anyone ever experienced this? Help!

 

[maya44]

Yes, my sister was like that as a child. She now believes it was because she had difficulty understanding social relatioships and that the social "reading" that comes easily to most people escaped her.

ADULTS and OLDER KIDS would make allowances for this, her peers/younger kids would not. THAT is why she was more comfortable around those that were older.

She was MISERABLE!!!!!! Finally when she was in High School, she had an awsome counselor who finally recognized her problem for what it was and found a "social skills" program for her that allowed her to learn what came naturally to other people, how to read people's body language, how to inter-act etc....

When her own dd started experiencing some of these same issues (and my sis believes being more comfortable around adults at age 4 is a HUGE red flag) she put her in a social skills group. Sister thinks it made a huge difference in her dd's ability to make friends and be happy.

 

[onlyzombiecat]

My dd has never liked being around kids her own age or younger (especially other girls) until this year (6 years). She would tell me she hated "K". We didn't force it. Now "K" is her best friend. She still doesn't like groups and is more comfortable around adults or older children.
I think part of the problem was just that the other children were bouncing off walls, in her face and grabby. She is an introvert and very sensitive to noise/emotion- crying, tantrums, shouting really get to her. Now that the other kids are starting to calm down and become more civilized with age, dd doesn't have as much problem. She always got along better with boys her age than girls- maybe not as much pressure from them to conform.

Your child can learn social skills from adults and older children. Some people would argue he will actually learn better social skills from older people. I wouldn't stress about it yet as he is just 4. Let him hang out with the older kids if that is who he prefers. In a couple of years, if he seems lonely and you are still concerned you can work with him more.
http://www.extension.umn.edu/info-u/families/BE907.html

If you are lonely yourself then you might need to go outside your child's friendships/playdates to do make connections with other adults. Maybe you could try a mom's night out, a book club, a class, a volunteer group or something.

 

[chinaKat]

Some of this sounds so familiar. We say that our almost 2YO DD thinks she is simply a very, very small adult... and she can't for the life of her understand what all these snotty little children are doing trying to play with her.

No advice here, unfortunately -- but I'm subbing to see what others say.

 

[flyingspaghettimama]

I agree with Maya44 - it sounds like he is unable to "read" the social cues that occur between children and then resorts to physical violence because he feels overwhelmed, and frustrated, and can't respond verbally? We knew someone else like this - she did prefer the older children - not because she was "on the same level" but because the older children would be more patient and there was a completely different power dynamic (i.e. the olders directed play and conversation, and had MUCH more patience for the somewhat annoying behaviors exhibited). The type of older children who enjoy playing with younger children have their reasons too, y'know.

This girl ended up going to social skills coaching therapy, and it helped her immensely to deal with her inner frustration using words instead of shoving, and in reading cues, and how to work yourself into an established group (i.e. some children are playing ball, and you want to play as well - but you don't do it by running in and grabbing the ball or moping around until you hope they notice you).

Mel Levine talks about social cognition, John Gottman - about emotional intelligence. You might look into what they have to say. We had to do a lot of coaching around that age, as I recall, regarding observation of existing situations, helping to smooth interactions, finding appropriate friends (and that didn't necessarily mean that the parents were my friends) etc.

ETA: How about a preschool co-op? Where you could go too, but the teachers might have some ideas, and he'd be around kids of all flavors?