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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,<br>
I thought I try here for advice from mama's who has been there and done that.Dh and I have been having problems for the last year or so.(Ever since the twins were born)He came home last night and yelled that he was filing papers Monday morning, we had been arguing earlier.He has threatened to leave before and has never actually done anything. He has never said anything about filing or anything to do with divorce befor though just seperation. So I'm taking this seriously. Last time he threatened to leave he said that he was going to take the three boys with him(at the time the twins were only a month old.) I'm a stay at home mom,I didn't finish school because we couldn't both do it at the same time and we agreed that his was more important. He does take care of all of the thngs financially but he spending maybe an hour or two per wek with the kids.He doesn't see that there is more to being a husband and dad thanjust paying the bills. My brother who babysits some knows more about my kids routines and such then dh does.<br>
What should I do to protect myself and the kids.He is against my not circ.and not vac.and I'm worried that he'll use that. The good news is that I have family support and he doesn't and that we are currently renting a house from my dad so while I have no idea how I'm going to pay the bills we won't have to worry about being kicked out.<br>
The main issue that we have been fighting over is dh staying out until all hours of the night and staying with his "single friends"who have no responsiblities. So if he does file for divorce could possibly go in my favor also? (My family has all seen this behavior and I've been listening to them say stuff about it for a long time.)I don't want to be mean I just want to take care of my kids.<br>
Last note,I've been looking into work at home jobs for a little while. I've been having trouble finding something.I have only about a year of work experience for anything total(too bad motherhood doesn't seem to count.)So right now crafts seem to be my best shot.I don't want to put my kids into daycare or have to hire a sitter,besides just paying that for four children would take the majority of any money I'd make.<br>
Advice,tips anything will be welcome.<br>
Sonya
 

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My heart goes out to you: what a difficult time for you and your little ones!!<br><br>
I'm not in a been there/done that position, so I don't know just how much advice I can offer. I do have some indirect experience and knowledge, though.<br><br>
Do see a lawyer, as soon as you can. Can someone like your brother babysit while you do so? Do be aware, too, that not all lawyers are created equal, and some know their jobs and the law better than others. Many lawyers offer free initial consultations. Listen carefully to how carefully they are listening to and responding to your situation and your concerns. Figure out before you go in what the important points in your situation are that need to be communicated to the lawyer. In your case, definitely hit the high points: your kids are very young, you are financially dependent on your husband, he has threatened to take the children in the past, you are a stay-at-home parent.<br><br>
If you need to file papers or respond to his, I would suggest you are in a pretty darn good position to have custody of your children. They are very wee, they are used to you, he has not been involved. What kind of a financial position is he in? Ask about child support and also alimony for you, since you have been financially dependent on him. You may be able to get these things even before a divorce order, I don't know how things are in your state.<br><br>
If you are concerned about your health choices for your children, ask your lawyer when you have one if you should get letters from the children's doctor stating that they are healthy and well cared-for. Usually once you have custody of a child, you are entitled to make the medical decisions.<br><br>
This is all pretty brutal and point-form -- I know there must be so much going on for you emotionally right now, and you must feel terribly bruised.<br><br>
Hang in there!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hi,<br>
He has actually been unemployed and doing only odd jobs the past couple of months.He did get 2 part-time jobs over the weekend.(At least I'm guessing that he is now working.)Financially,though it has always taken pretty much his whole pay check to pay all the bills and provide needed things for the home. Obviously I'm not going to get that no matter how much I do get.A Dr.is another problem that I'm a bit worried about.With not vaccinating I have had a very hard time with Dr.'s and visits haven't been regular I'm hoping that I can get a Dr.that I have heard a lot about on the boards since I have now moved close to his location(well,an hour away.)If he takes the Peachcare(like medicaid)if he doesn't I don't know what I'm going to do.And with dh pro.vax.and pro.circ. it is a bit scary.I'm trying to prepare myself with information though and I have found out about some people that I can contact.I'm just hoping that he won't get nasty about this and we can work this out peacably.I hope things haven't gotten so bad that we have to be nasty and hate each other.That will only make things worse for the kids.<br>
Sonya
 

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Dear Sonya_mama:<br><br>
Can't afford a lawyer or don't know where to start? Call the local bar association. They are in the yellow pages and will take your financials into account for service fees, etc. Two things I'd ask the lawyer: can I get STB-x to pay legal fees (or reimburse) and is adultery grounds for divorce in Georgia. I know you didn't mention it, but as someone who has BTDT, it sounds to me like you husband could be stepping out and now wants out, but wants to make it "your fault".<br><br>
Also, start documenting *everything* now. Get a cheap day planner or calendar and document what you do around the house, what he does, who pays for what and what time hubby comes home (or doesn't). This will be the strongest thing you will have when it comes to he said, she said. It will also give your lawyer a good picture of what you do and what level of support, both spousal and child, is required. Most importantly, go to the bank TODAY and get a print out of what is in your joint accounts. That way, if hubby starts spending all the cash, you know what you had when the marriage "irretrievably broke down" (terms lawyers use) and a way to value community property.<br><br>
One more piece of sisterly advice (if you can stand it!):<br><br>
Don't be stupid like me and be too nice. Do what you think is necessary to protect your kids, you and your well-being and lifestyle. Do not let yourself be swayed by what you think others think or are saying behind your back, blah, blah, blah. When everything fell apart in my marriage, I was shocked and pleasantly surprised by the support I received from unexpected quarters. Seems everyone else wondered why I put up with the crap for so long, but never said anything to me.<br><br>
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that everything turns out OK.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you for the advice.I get print outs of our account from my computer.I have been using that as a way to track things for awhile.I happened to check it yesterday and we only had ten dollars in the bank.And it wasn't because he had spent it.We just have been strapped financially and didn''t have anything in there. Of course,he does just cash a check a lot and I found one of those little envelopes that you recieve the cash in so I know that he did make some money over the weekend.I don't know how I would find out about how often he did that.<br>
I'll start keeping track of things like you said.It is pretty simple anything around the house or having to do with the kids I do. He works and pays the bills and provides needed transportation. That is what he considers his job and he thinks that after that he should get to lay around.And go out with his "buds" who are all single and only have to worry about themselves.Of course he might very well attack my house cleaning and things like that.<br>
I'll do what you said about the lawyer.I guess the good thing is that he is tight for money too,but he also has a way to make money a lot easier than I do.Got to go.<br>
Sonya
 

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honey, i have def been there! nak<br>
only i left him eventually. i moved in with my lovely parents and have been here ever since. i would recommend trying to find someone to move in with, maybe another single mom? then you can split working hours and childcare hours, bills and such. go to the finding your tribe board here and post about you situation.<br>
other than that you have gotten some great advice already. figure out what is really important to him and use it. money is most important to my ex and so i took less (as much as i could) and in trade i have sole discretion over all medical and educational choices. he is pro vax, circ, and anti ex bf and homeschool.<br><br>
i will keep you in my prayers! pm me if you ever need more chats, or advice or anything!
 
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