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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Just to give you a background: DD is 10 months old and I am due in Jan with our second and have been really tired and sick and seeing help from DH with DD. DH has no parenting skills whatsoever and I have been "training" him since DD was born. He is usually pretty good with playing with her, although sometimes he is a little rough IMO. He has never been mean or violent on purpose...but I don't know how to handle this situation:

Last night, DH actually shut our 10 month old daughter in her room when she wouldn't go to sleep...and then tried to justify it by saying "she needs to crawl around" and then he turned the situation around and start yelling at me for overreacting.

THEN, as if that wasn't bad enough...DD rolled next to him last night as she usually does because the mattress sinks around him...and he picked her up under her hip with one hand and actually THREW her over to my side...and in the process made her head slam against the headboard! This was around 3am and I actually saw him do this and stared screaming at him and he, again, said I was overreacting and that he "didn't mean to hurt her" and he went to sleep while I soothed a crying baby.

I have to stress that DH has NEVER hurt me or been violent to another human...but he does have a temper if his sleep is disturbed (as in he usually yells)...and he has no innate parenting skills. I emailed him my feelings on what happened...but I don't know what else to do...if anything. I am just so hurt that he would do these things...
 

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You need to talk to him about what is going on -- a serious sit-down with no distractions talk. Has he been like this since dd was born or is this something that is happening lately? He may be stressed with the thought of two babies or feeling strain doing more caregiving but that is no excuse for behaving that way ever! Even if he didn't mean to bump her head, he should have reacted with sympathy and concern, not sleep. After all your sleep was interrupted too!! Parenting is a 24-hr a day job. Please talk to him and if things don't get better consider getting professional help or taking a break -- maybe stay with friends or family for a "vacation". Also try to build a support network of people who can help you with your dd -- this will help you after the birth as well and maybe will take some of the strain off of your dh and make you feel more comfortable. Hope things are looking up soon and I am sure more mamas here will have more support/advice.
 

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Well, it sounds like you shouldn't be in a family bed with him. Either the baby needs to be in a crib or other co-sleeper by your side, or he needs to be in another bed. If he wakes up irate, it's not safe. There are a lot of people who shouldn't sleep with their babies, and people who have no judgement when wakened from a sound sleep are in this category. You are going to have a new baby very soon and where will that baby sleep? this sounds extremely tricky to me.

He might also be better able to handle things if he gets more sleep.

Number 2: (and this is just from what you have posted here, and I'm trying not to judge his character from one post) don't leave him in charge of the baby. He can't handle it. You need to find a friend whom you trust or a high school student or someone to come over during the day to give you help. Your husband is not the right person. Nap with your baby so you aren't exhausted.

Number 3: Parenting classes. Obviously, there are books about parenting that would help your dh to understand what's age-appropriate behavior and how to respond, but my guess is he's one of the ones who won't read them. Parents who get frustrated or too rough might not know a lot about what to expect from children at different ages.

An alternative, if he won't do classes: bring him along to a pediatrician appointment and have the ped. talk about what the baby should be able to do at this age. If he gets frustrated anyway--then he needs to seek therapy. It's not okay.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by captain optimism
Well, it sounds like you shouldn't be in a family bed with him. Either the baby needs to be in a crib or other co-sleeper by your side, or he needs to be in another bed. If he wakes up irate, it's not safe. There are a lot of people who shouldn't sleep with their babies, and people who have no judgement when wakened from a sound sleep are in this category. You are going to have a new baby very soon and where will that baby sleep? this sounds extremely tricky to me.

He might also be better able to handle things if he gets more sleep.

Number 2: (and this is just from what you have posted here, and I'm trying not to judge his character from one post) don't leave him in charge of the baby. He can't handle it. You need to find a friend whom you trust or a high school student or someone to come over during the day to give you help. Your husband is not the right person. Nap with your baby so you aren't exhausted.

Number 3: Parenting classes. Obviously, there are books about parenting that would help your dh to understand what's age-appropriate behavior and how to respond, but my guess is he's one of the ones who won't read them. Parents who get frustrated or too rough might not know a lot about what to expect from children at different ages.

An alternative, if he won't do classes: bring him along to a pediatrician appointment and have the ped. talk about what the baby should be able to do at this age. If he gets frustrated anyway--then he needs to seek therapy. It's not okay.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

ITA


I would if nothing else get him out of the family bed and maybe sleeping better will help his attitude in general.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
He has never done this before. When I say he has poor parenting skills, the worst he has done so far (that I can think of) is feed her wierd foods like spaghetti and yogurt and raisins at the same time for breakfast...and sometimes if he is left alone with her, I notice he sometimes will let her cry until he is done doing whatever he is working on before consoling her. But he does love her and as a matter of fact...he was the one that insisted on continuing to co-sleep instead of putting her in her crib when I wanted to at 5.5 months. Although, a couple times recently he has suggested putting her in her crib...which I tried and she didn't take to it too well.

We have a king and we all fit in it pretty well. I was planning on having all of us in one bed when the new baby was born, but seperating the new one from the older one. Because I love co sleepign with my baby. But maybe I will suggest he move to the spare bedroom for a while...
 

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I don't have a whole lot of advice for you but I thought I'd let you know that we were in the same situation when dd was a baby. It got a whole lot better when ds was born. My dh knew nothing about parenting and I knew that he would never intentionally hurt dd but he was too rough with her sometimes and knew nothing about diapers or feeding or crying. Now he is much better, I guess it just takes some men longer than others to feel confident in parenting. Hope things get better for you, I would just make sure that you do most of the parenting and increase your dh's responsibilities with dd slowly so he gets used to doing things with her.
 
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