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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need some help on the right way to approach this issue with my husband. I am open to hearing the view points from both wives/husbands on this topic as I really have no idea what to do. I guess I should give you some background and the situation.<br><br>
My husband and I have been together for 15+ years, we had our first child when we were young (17 & 19). After she was born we were together and apart a lot, but decided to have another child when I was 26. Our relationship was still a little rocky until after our 2nd was born and then he and I both grew up a lot and he became a much better dad and significant other. Things changed a lot for the better and we actually finally got married 2 ½ years ago. We have had a house that we bought together since I was 21 and we recently just built a brand new house. Financially we are okay, though my husband always thinks we should have more.<br><br>
I would like to have another baby, but my DH wants no part of another child. He thinks that we should be happy with the healthy 2 kids we have, plus doesn’t want to stress everything with having more finances going out the door to child care, etc. I am VERY happy with the 2 kids that I have and realize that having another child would cause more of a financial burden, BUT that doesn’t change the way I feel. I truly want another child and I don’t know if I will feel complete and done having children without this last child. I know that there are many people that don’t have any children and that I am truly blessed to have the kids I have, but this feeling is not going away. I have been wanting another child for the last few years and really tried to keep it at bay until I finally told my DH about it about a year ago. I understand his feelings such as: what if the child isn’t healthy, the cost of daycare, doesn’t want to go back to diapers/diaper bags, etc. BUT, I have feelings too and I don’t think he understands. I love my kids and I love spending time with them. When I see them accomplish something new or great, it makes my desire even stronger!<br><br>
Last year he did go from saying no, to a few months later saying maybe after our house was built and depending upon the finances. Now fast forward to this year and now he is back to saying no. He went so far as to schedule a vasectomy appointment, which after talking he did cancel it. But, he asked me to please stop bringing it up constantly. So… I have been good and have not brought it up much. Last night I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I asked him if he thought he would ever change his mind – he said yeah, if you win the lottery. What???<br><br>
I really don’t know what else to do… unfortunately this is a win/lose situation if we are not both on the same page. I don’t want him to do something he doesn’t want to do, but I also don’t want to be sad and regret not having the baby that I so long for and feel like is meant to be. I can’t think about anything else while I am at work and in every moment when I am not doing something I am thinking about babies, being pregnant, labor, etc. It’s almost pathetic.<br><br>
I guess the really hard part is that he had given me some hope when he said he was thinking about the possibility too, then he said no and scheduled the vasectomy appointment, then he cancelled it again because I was so upset.<br><br>
I just don’t know what to do or what to say. I need him to understand, but have a hard time putting into words why I want a child when a lot of it is just emotional and human nature. Heck, I probably would have 10 kids if I could afford them!!<br><br>
If anyone has been through a similar situation I would love some advice on how to handle!! Also, I would also love to hear from anyone that can give me a better male perspective on this. I am just beside myself and almost in tears!!<br><br>
Thanks!<br><br>
BTW: if you have made it this long thank you!!
 

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No advice, but I didn't want to read without posting! I'm actually looking forward to reading other responses as I've been married for almost 6 years and DH doesn't want to have #1 while I REALLY do. Best of luck!
 

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I know my husband and I often have this same fight. But, I don't know what to advise you because I always lose this one either way. If I get my needs met, it's because I've thrown a fit and guilted him into it. If he gets his needs met, I get resentful and sullen for a while and I still don't get what I want. So see, there's no winning for me!<br><br>
Perhaps you need a baby fix in other ways for now until a compromise can be reached? Volunteer at the hospital or do some other kid-oriented volunteer work? Talk to him about foster parenting maybe? I wish you luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks! You know at one point I told my husband that I would like to become a foster parent... his response was why would we do that when we can have kids of our own. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: Well... I probably wouldn't desire doing this so badly if you would let me have more kids. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Sorry to hear your are going through this. I truly believe that having a child should be a 2-parent decision. Be thankful he is being honest with you and discussing his fears and concerns about this issue. Though, it does sound like you could use more empathy from him, like hearing him express that he knows this is important to you and acknowledge your feellings of sadness.<br><br>
I too wanted more children, but I also knew from the history with my husband that having more would not be healthy for our relationship--and thus ultimately not good for the family.<br><br>
I know it can be a strong biological pull to desire more kids, but you've also had a long journey with your husband and he's not in a good place with the decision for more children.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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Wow, fantesia28, until I read the last part about your Hubby wanting a vasectomy, I thought I was reading one of my own posts! I have no advice- sorry- but I'm gonna keep track of the responses. Maybe someone will come up with an idea...
 

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My dh only wanted two children, and we talked about it long and hard. I think what finally won him was my argument that if you don't want a child, and then have one, pretty soon you'll love it and be glad you have it and not be able to imagine life without it. But if you WANT a child and don't have one, it's just more painful.<br><br>
He very generously and kindly compromised with me and agreed to try for nine months. Well, lucky for me, I got pg right away and got my third child.<br><br>
Anyway, just something to think about. Maybe if you agreed to try for a certain amount of time, and then if it didn't happen you promised to totally drop the issue, he would go for it.<br><br>
Also, why don't you point out the fact that you have a built-in babysitter now?!?
 

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I am in a very similar situation. I would love, love, love to have another child, and DH is quite content with the children we have. In my case, my DH actually did have a vasectomy against my wishes. But since that time we have discussed vasectomy reversal as well as adopting another child (DS2 joined our family via adoption, so we've been through the process and know what it's like).<br><br>
For me, the hardest parts have been the times when DH said that he would think about it and consider adding another child to our family, but then decided yet again that he didn't want to. I found that so difficult because I got my hopes up, and then I felt disappointed when DH didn't change his mind. All I could think was, "why would you encourage me and let me get excited about this, if you were only going to hurt me in the end???"<br><br>
At this point in time, I'm just trying to deal with it. Logically, I recognize that it would not be a positive thing for our family to add another child without both DH and I being in agreement. I can't even imagine the amount of stress that would be added to our family if DH simply went along with my desires, but resented the new child and the changes in lifestyle that an additional child would bring. First and foremost, my responsibility is to the children I already have.<br><br>
I will admit that I do hold a some resentment against DH- moreso for having the vasectomy against my wishes than for disagreeing about more children. I try really hard not to let it get to me- and most of the time I am successful. I do recognize DH's right to his feelings on the matter, and I fully support ANY person's reproductive rights. I remember that DH's wishes for his life are just as valid as my wishes for my life. This keeps me from brooding too much. I don't bring up the subject of more children anymore, because DH has made himself abundantly clear. DH already knows my feelings, and if he changes his mind about adding more children to our family, I'm sure he'll let me know. There are times when I'm sad about not having more children, or I'm strongly wanting another child (this happens especially when I'm ovulating!). I'll tell DH that I'm in a funk, but I don't discuss it with him because I don't want to make him feel guilty.<br><br>
Basically, I don't think anything is going to change. Rather than trying to change DH's mind, I'm trying to adapt myself. I'm working to accept my life the way it is, and be content with my family as it is. Most of the time I am really content and happy- my longings for another child seem to be diminishing as time goes on.<br><br>
Just a quick note on a PPs suggestion. I found that the more time I spend around babies, the more I want one. Rather than getting my 'baby fix' for the moment, spending time with other people's babies makes me feel sad because I'm never going to have another one. It can be depressing to me to spend time with other moms & their babies. It's like window shopping- some people are content just to look. Other people go window shopping and then feel sad when they can't afford to buy the outfit or pair of shoes that they fell in love with.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Natensarah~ I am glad that it worked out for you!! I don't think that my hubby would go for that option unless he really wanted another as he thinks he is the king of fertility!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I got pregnant when we tried for our son after one morning of bd that month and the first month of trying!! Maybe I could tell him that I don't think I am as fertile anymore so it will probably take longer!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
annethcz~ I totally can sympathize with you!! I think when my husband said maybe and that he had been seriously considering having another, I got my hopes up and thought it would really be a reality!! Now I feel like he backed out on a sure thing, even though I know he didn't say yes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
In addition, I have a specific time of year that I would like to have another baby and the time is running low on being able to make that a reality now. I only have the next couple of months and then I really would need to wait until the following year. I have issues with waiting since my oldest will be 15 this year and my youngest will be 7 this year. I really don't want to have any more of a gap that is needed. I already know that the oldest and the youngest probably won't be as close because of the gap. She is pretty tight with her brother though. I just feel like the clock is ticking and I am running out of time - even though I am sure that I have many more years of fertility left in me (I am only 32).<br><br>
I can totally see how you would feel about your husband having the vasectomy. I am definitely thankful that my husband cancelled the appointment!!<br><br>
I can also see your point about the more time spent around babies, the more you want one... this has happened to me as well. I never thought I would want something as much as I do this... I really WANT to be pregnant and I WANT to have another baby and I WANT my kids to have another sibling and I WANT more chances of having more grandkids!! Okay, now that I have stated all of my wants... guess I should get back to reality. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Seriously though... I really just wish I totally understood my husband. there are times when he says one thing and sometimes is thinking something totally different - I really wish I knew what he was thinking!!<br><br>
Anybody else have any thoughts or suggestions?
 

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Could you do some thinking about the underneath-it-all reasons you want to have another child?<br><br>
Is it that you enjoy being pregnant? It it to fulfill some mental image of yourself? What is it really about? That might help you when talking to your dh about it. Also, get him to do the same. What are his reasons for NOT wanting another child?<br><br>
You say you need him to understand...understand what? How upset you were that he chose to do something with his body that you didn't agree to? Or understand about your desire for another child? (I just got a little lost, sorry!)<br><br>
Can you ask him not to make a decision about the vasectomy right now? Can you ask him to give you both time to sort through your desires to get at what's underneath?<br><br>
I hope you both can get to a place where you are comfortable with the solution you come up with. ((()))
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Karaboo~ Sorry if my post was confusing! He is not getting a vasectomy at this point - he did cancel the appointment a while back. However, I feel like he just doesn't understand my need for a child or maybe he understands my want for one, but since he doesn't have the same feeling he just doesn't have any empathy for how I feel. Does that make sense?
 

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We have a while to decide, but as it stands now, DH is more than content with 2, and I am leaning toward having a third. He is adamant that he is done. He does know how much I feel "not done", and he definitely isn't making any decisions without both of us saying so (i.e., a vas). Obviously, the baby decision is a one no, two yeses kind of thing, so it's a really emotional and difficult topic.<br><br>
My take on it is this - I really don't expect him to get how I feel, I can't make him see my POV, or feel my feelings about wanting a third. All I can do is hope and pray that if I still want a 3rd baby when Benton turns 2, that he will be open to discussing it and consider it, even if he doesn't feel the same way. He's never been a big newborn/pregnancy guy, but he has fallen head over heels in love with both our boys the second they were born. I don't expect him to be all "WHOO-HOO!" about it, but I will expect him, as an equal partner, to consider my wants and needs, and then we decide as a team, YK?<br><br>
As for the feelings part, I mostly talk to girlfriends about it - there's just no way my husband is going to understand that need and desire mamas have.
 

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I guess I would ask myself 2 questions, first have you really tried to understand your DH's point on this? Maybe you have, but perhaps you could hear him out a little more?<br><br>
And second, WHY do you want to have another baby? Because you want to be pregnant again, because you think it would add to your family, because you think your older children would benefit, etc. etc. ? Maybe if you really understand your reasons better you'll be better able to communicate that to DH?
 

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Our situation is a little different in that our second son is adopted, and any future children would most likely be adopted as well, but I hear you. DH was adamant about no more after the last one, but I asked him to keep an open mind and let's talk about it again in a couple of years (after I finish my Master's program). I in turn, agreed to lay off the heavy more, more talk. In our case, $$ is the biggest issue to him saying no, so I paired my timing of a future conversation with when that is likely to change for the better (when I graduate and get a job). We had that discussion 2-3 years ago, and I will say that he is now strongly leaning toward adopting again in another 3-4 years, as he is feeling more confident in our future finances now.<br><br>
One other issue that is at play in our future children dynamic is that my second child was stillborn, and I developed life threatening complications (unrelated to the stillbirth) in both of my pg. There is currently no treatment or cure, and pg is AMA. Part of my agreeing to no more unless $$ changes is that were an effective treatment or cure to be found (unlikely within my fertile years), that he would agree to another pg no matter what the timing in our lives if I chose to do so, and that would include me staying home for at least the first year, and then either of us being home at least most of the time for the next couple of years.<br><br>
Hope how we worked it out can help you come to your own compromise. Even though it is a yes/no situation, there are still specifics that can be compromised on, and knowing what the reasons behind a certain answer/feeling are can be a big help.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
thanks so much for your responses!!<br><br>
I am trying not to bring up the baby topic too much as I know with men sometimes if it's brought up too much they really pull away. I don't know whether I should push, push, push or drop it for a while.<br><br>
I had a dream this weekend that I was pregnant with twins and that I knew it was a boy/girl. It was so real that it was scary. Anyways, I told him that I had a dream that I was pregnant (didn't tell him it was twins as I didn't want to scare him) and then he said what he dreamed about. Of course his dream involved uhmmm oral (sorry tmi) so I said well I can make your dream come true, can you make mine come true? He really didn't have a response either way. So yesterday I told him that I was sorry for constantly talking about having another baby - he said it was okay and that he figured it wouldn't stop any time soon. At that point he went back outside and I didn't say anything more. He KNOWS that I want a baby really bad and I told him that I didn't think the feeling was going to go away. He says, I have talked with other women and they say the feeling does go away - I said, nope don't think so as it's been here for over a year. From that point he doesn't say no, just doesn't really respond. Then other times he will make jokes let's have a baby only to be kidding of course- to which I respond don't say that unless you mean it. He used to flat out say no and there are times when he does say no... other times he doesn't say much of anything to lead me either direction. I am dying to know what he is thinking and if maybe one day he will just come home and say let's make a baby and really mean it.<br><br>
I want him to want this as much as I do - I just wish that he would tell me what he is truely feeling as he doesn't ever really give me a straight answer.<br><br>
Do you think I am pushing too much and should I back off? Really the conversations come up out of nowhere sometimes and it's not always brought up by me as he will casually say see... this is why we don't need another, etc. or he will say let's make a baby jokingly and then nothing. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I don't know if I posted this before, but at one point he did tell me that he was considering it and that maybe if finances were okay we could have another. Then he went back to saying a definite no and now he's being wishy washy, but definitely not saying yes.<br><br>
Thoughts? What else should I be doing? Should I talk with a couselor? Maybe I am going about this all wrong???
 

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OK, as a total stranger who's read your posts (meaning I could be totally wrong) it sounds to me like he has told you VERY clearly how he feels, and you have rejected it, argued against it, wheedled around it, etc. and at this point he's just trying to let you down gently. He's probably not saying "no" as much these days because he knows you won't accept it, so what's the point? Better to just avoid the conversation and hope your baby fever will pass. Maybe he really did think about it for a while, out of love and consideration for you... and he came back to "no".<br><br>
I can understand grieving about the situation. I can't understand your saying that you don't know what he is really feeling when his words and actions are so clear.<br><br>
I do think that at this point, unless you are willing to trick him somehow into another pregnancy or divorce him in hopes of finding someone else (and I'm assuming you don't want to do either!) that you need to start envisioning your life without that third child. Whatever it takes to help you get there, counseling, meditation, yoga, that's where your focus should be.
 

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Hi fantesia28. I don't have much advice now, but next week my DH and I are starting counseling on this issue. It has been VERY hard for me. When I think we are not going to have another, I enter a period of deep grief that is as bad as when a family member has died. Maybe after a few counseling sessions, I can post again with something more helpful.<br><br>
************************************************** *************<br><br>
Oh, this thread is just what I needed this morning! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I am in a situation similar to many of the PPs. DH and I have one lovely DD, who is 5 1/2. DH is a wonderful, SAHD/WAHD who absolutely adores DD. I want another child, and he doesn't. I have quite a close relationship with one of my half-sisters, he has almost no relationship with his brother. (They talk on the phone once or twice a year.) We were married young (18 and 19!), and I knew early in our marriage that he wasn't on board with having a big family. He said he thought he could get behind the idea of having one biological child, which was REALLY important to me. Good. And then if we wanted a second, we could adopt. I waited for 11 years for him to be ready to have our DD, and I loved everything about pregnancy and birth. It was one of the best things I have ever done.<br><br>
Well, the weeks after DD's birth were really tough for me. I don't think I had PPD, I think I had "no more pregnancies" depression. Finally, I told DH how sad I was feeling and asked him to consider, just consider, having another biological child at some time in the future. He said he would keep an open mind. We decided I would get a Mirena IUD for BC, so that gave us up to 5 years to work this out.<br><br>
Fast forward five years. The issue has been almost taboo for us up until a few months ago. If I wanted to talk about it, DH would say he was feeling "pressured". Finally, a few weeks before my appointment to get the IUD removed, I told DH that I HAD to talk about it. He told me he was "fulfilled" with our DD, and saw no reason to add to the family. I know that environmental/population issues are important to him, so I made sure he knew that I was totally comfortable with adopting a second DC. He dropped a bomb on me, and told me that he was not comfortable with adoption, and that he had been feeling that way for a few years! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: So, what I had felt was my "fall back" for adding to the family was taken away. He just doesn't want any more kids. End of story. What else is there to say? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
I have been angry, depressed, and confused since then. My DH has seemed quite surprised at the depth of my reaction to his decision. He says that I knew when I met him that he didn't want "kids". Well, he had always said he didn't want *biological* children. I didn't know he meant that he didn't want a family. I was an only child growing up and I knew that I didn't want that for my family, i.e. if I was having kids at all, I wanted to have two.<br><br>
So we are going to do some counseling. This is the hardest issue we have dealt with in our 16 years of marriage. I really think DH just wants me to get over it, and be happy. But I don't feel that I can. I hope the counseling helps us to understand each other, and helps bring me some peace. I can't even talk about this with other people without tearing up.<br><br>
So, funny anectode related to all this. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> We got together with some old friends this weekend. I'll call them M (the husband) and T (the wife). T and I got a lot of time to hang out together while the guys were doing computer stuff/house repair stuff. So they had lots of time to talk privately, too. T and I spent at least half the time talking about babies (the other couple is having discussions about TTC their first, and it's taken a lot of convincing on T's part). We would wander on to other topics, but always come back to that one. The news that they are going to TTC was really big, and I am excited for them! After they left on Monday, I asked DH if he and M had some good talks. He said yeah, they had fun hanging out. I asked if M had mentioned that he and T are going to TTC soon. NO - THE GUYS HAD NOT TALKED ABOUT IT EVEN ONCE! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: I have been half laughing, and half shaking my head ever since. I guess men and women really are wired differently. It seems especially so once we hit our mid-30's. The women just can't get rid of that sound in the background...tick...tick...tick. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Well, that was a novel. Thanks for listening, if you made it this far! And good luck to all of you who are also struggling with this issue. It sucks.<br><br>
~Diane
 

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I desperately wanted another baby (baby dreams, feeling of someone missing,depression etc.) and dh is definately done. He has always been willing to talk to me about it however and one day he said " what I really think you want is a do-over, you know, a mulligan." I looked at him like he was crazy and dismissed him out of hand.<br>
Later though I thought about it and he really has a point (I hate it when that happens), my mom died one month before my sons birth, my much anticipated midwife attended water birth turned into a hospital transfer via ambulance and an emergency c-section, I had complications and was rehospitalized twice, we had horrific nursing issues, and I was grieving terribly. I feel robbed of my dream birth and I feel like I missed most of my last baby's babyhood. I do want a do-over! However I have come to believe that that isn't a good enough reason to have another child. In my case really looking at the underlying motivation has helped me cope with what my dh jokingly calls my "baby rabies".
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>absinthe</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9082838"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">my dh jokingly calls my "baby rabies".</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/biglaugh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="laugh">:<br><br>
Oh, if only my DH and I could have this level of humor about the issue. That's sooooooo funny.
 

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It is easier and mroe fair to the child not to ahve one while you relly want one than to have one when you do not want one....do you relaly want your DH to resent his child? What do you think the chil will feel. Direct your love and attetion toward your kid, vounteer soemwhere (Like chidl advocasy)
 
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