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I'm sorry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm sure you'll get a lot of responses, but I didn't want to read without saying something.
 

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Please seek professional help. If you have health insurance it probably covers counseling. If you don't there are sliding scale situations available. You need to get centered enough to understand that you don't deserve to be treated that way. Then you can move on from there. (I would suggest joint therapy but it doesn't sound like he would do that at this time.)<br><br>
Once you get grounded you can examine your various obligations.... loving and helping your partner, caring for your children, caring for yourself and make appropriate decisions.<br><br>
I'm also gonna throw this thought out there... divorce stinks, no doubt... but sometimes it is the difference between yanking the bandaid off real quick and slowly pulling it off for the rest of your life. The faster you make the break the faster everyone can start healing.
 

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Very well said kama'aima mama. I agree 100% w/everything you said.<br><br>
Arabella, no one deserves to be treated this way. Your dh has serious issues. Think about what your children will be subjected to and what they will learn from living w/this man. Be strong mama, get some help & support, and keep yourself & your children safe. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I have BTDT! But not doing that anymore <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I got sick of it and made plans to leave start over. Once he saw i was REALLY leaving, it woke him up. I finally just let me emotions out about the kind of abuse he'd put me through....and let me tell ya', it wasnt pretty. It was like shaking up a coke for 8yrs and it finally exploding. I still followed through with the divorce saying that if he truly had changed i didnt want to be married to the "old" him anymore and we could start over new. I put my foot down about the abuse and made it completely unacceptable, instead of keeping my mouth shut all the time to maintain some peace in our home.<br><br>
Here's what i've found and follow with me here on this analogy.....You draw a line in the sand saying here are my bounderies...a good thick dark line. Some times they try to creep over with just their toes and and they just need a nice little nudge to remind them where the line is. Then sometimes they come running at you and jump right over the line and then they need to be knocked on their butt right back over to the other side of the line.<br>
KWIM? Once they realize youre not budging on where your line is they will either stay on their side or get sick of being knocked on their butt all the time.<br>
My deciding to approach things this way had very little to do with him and everything to do with me. It was like all of a sudden i woke up one day and decided i was tired of feeling like shit and i DESERVED to treat myself better and to be treated better by other people. I am worthy of respect, but i have to respect myself first. After that, everything changed.<br><br>
Good luck to you<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>~*max*~</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">. Your dh has serious issues. Think about what your children will be subjected to and what they will learn from living w/this man.</div>
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I don't mean to be a downer, but unless he just disappears or decides NOT to have anything to do with his children ever again, they will still have to deal with him during visitation. And they will be alone with him with no other adult present to deflect his abusiveness. It is not always so simple as just leaving and everything will be better...not when most states give generous visitation or joint custody.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">'s to you mama. I would recommend professional counselling for yourself as well. If he will go, fine, if not, you go to help yourself. Even if you go alone, it is still helpful.<br><br>
Good luck.
 

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arabella-<br>
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Definately try to get some counseling, and try to get your husband there also. but even if he won't go, you should. I don't know how old your kids are, but you really need to protect them from this behavior. How is he with your children? Some men are horrible husbands, but good dads (though treating his childrens mother that way is not a good thing for kids to see). You deserve to be treated better than this, and you need to figure out the best possible situation for you and your children. A counselor will help you with that journey. I am sending you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> and healthy vibes.
 

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My father was/is like this. It doesn't get any better...if anything it seems to get more pronounced with age...my mother tunes him out, but if I were her I would have left a long time ago.<br><br>
All I can say is that having been a child in a situation like that, the effects are devastating. My personality is such that I constantly think people are mad at me, which makes me anxious most of the time. If dh is quiet, I think I did something to anger him. When I was in the working world, if my supervisor wanted to see me I assumed I was being written up/reprimanded. I am a 30-yr old adult and can rationally understand that if I didn't do something wrong, no one will be mad at me, but it's my automatic instinct to be anxious and worrisome, about practically everything, due to the experiences from birth - my teens. It was a constant state of walking on eggshells b/c of his moods/outbursts. <span><b><span style="text-decoration:underline;">PLEASE</span></b></span> don't allow this to happen to your child. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>SmilingChick</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My father was/is like this. It doesn't get any better...if anything it seems to get more pronounced with age...my mother tunes him out, but if I were her I would have left a long time ago.<br><br>
All I can say is that having been a child in a situation like that, the effects are devastating. My personality is such that I constantly think people are mad at me, which makes me anxious most of the time. If dh is quiet, I think I did something to anger him. When I was in the working world, if my supervisor wanted to see me I assumed I was being written up/reprimanded. I am a 30-yr old adult and can rationally understand that if I didn't do something wrong, no one will be mad at me, but it's my automatic instinct to be anxious and worrisome, about practically everything, due to the experiences from birth - my teens. It was a constant state of walking on eggshells b/c of his moods/outbursts. <span><b><span style="text-decoration:underline;">PLEASE</span></b></span> don't allow this to happen to your child. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"></div>
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I just had to quote you because I could have said EVERYTHING you just did.<br><br>
My parents marriage finally did end 36 years after it started. But I continue to suffer as does my 8 other siblings. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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Ugh. My dh will do this--"Don't talk to me"--when he wants to shut down discussion. He thinks I'm overly emotional the instant I raise my voice, or get tears in my eyes, he doesn't want to continue. He wants all discussion (and disagreement) to be carried out in a calm, completely unemotional, completely rational manner. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: That is so not me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
And it all runs in the family. He told me his grandfather was like that, and his parents didn't get along well. I know he wants better for us, but sometimes it seems like what you grow up with is *so* hard to get away from. For me too. I know my emotional nuttiness sometimes really hinders good relationship with dh, but I grew up in a household where screaming and hollering and crying was a normal vent for emotions. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> So really, we both have something to work on.<br><br>
As much as I hate to admit it, things go better when I reign in the emotions a little. I think he really finds weeping distressing, because in his mind, it's associated with *really* bad stuff, like loss of life or limb, and it looks crazy to him for me to be wailing over minor frustrations. But instead of reminding me of how it makes him feel, he automatically moves into "Oh no, she's gone off again, time to shut down" mode and it's hopeless from there on out. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Don't know if there's any practical advice in the above :LOL but I do understand the pain when a husband says things like that. Sometimes I think he's really totally clueless about what kind of hurt that causes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> arabella, I'm sorry you're dealing with these issues. I echo the advice - to go for counselling either with your DH (if he'll go) or on your own. I've been married to my DH for 4 years and known him for much longer and we struggle with a lot of issues some of which sound similar to your post. I am wondering if he is indeed depressed or in need of some sort of help. If there is a time when you are both not in an emotional or bad mood, perhaps, just sit down and try to talk about how you two are working towards making a better marriage? I know this sounds a bit trite but my DH and I have a lot of anger management issues and he WON'T go for counselling (not surprising since he is very introverted) and I basically have to sit down and try to figure out where he is coming from and find out if he is actually invested in our relationship. HE says he is and he says he tries every day and most days are very good but then we have our bad times. I'm not perfect nor is he so we struggle. I'm not sure what your DH is like MOST of the time (hopefully not like you describe) but perhaps you two should sit down and figure out what you both want our of your marriage and how you both think you're doing to get to that goal. I say this because my DH won't go for counselling and individual counselling hasn't really helped me help "us" so we have to somehow touch base on how we are making each other feel. DH tells me I hurt him very much at times with my comments so I realize there are things we do to each other. We both need help, I guess. In any case, perhaps calm discussions are possible? Counselling definitely is a good place to start. I guess you have to think about how much you're willing to put up with. I'm in the place now where I am paying attention to - are we improving together or are things getting worse. I don't know if any of this helps but you're not alone. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

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I just wanted to send <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> 's. Maybe some counseling? There may be a couple of free or sliding fee centers for family counseling if you both agree to it.<br><br>
Good luck...remember, you deserve to be happy.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> arabella. you are going through so much! someone posted a great link earlier, <a href="http://www.johannanko.net/RavensWitchAbuse.htm" target="_blank">http://www.johannanko.net/RavensWitchAbuse.htm</a> it's a long read but somewhere in there you'll probably find your situation. it's a big wakeup call.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>tinybutterfly</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't mean to be a downer, but unless he just disappears or decides NOT to have anything to do with his children ever again, they will still have to deal with him during visitation. And they will be alone with him with no other adult present to deflect his abusiveness. It is not always so simple as just leaving and everything will be better...not when most states give generous visitation or joint custody.</div>
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tinybutterfly, thank you for putting into words what i have been so desparately been trying to find the words for in my situation! in my case, since he has a huge family and they have a lot of money to get laywers, and i have no family and no money, he would probably end up with joint custody and liberal visitation rights during my custody. at least now i can supervise him myself and assure myself of her safety (she is safe, whatever problems he has with me, it has no bearing on how he fathers her - so far). leaving in itself doesn't "make it all better," it's a huge decision and has to be made with a LOT of thought. only after you're totally prepared for all of the consequences can leaving truly be better.
 

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Your husband Arabella does sound very immature for a 30 year old man. And he sounds like he has a mean streak. Did he never get the chance to rebel or something when a teen? I think you've had some good advice already. It is possible to talk about a relationship in a calm and collected manner, which still touches on deep feelings. ie. "I need to know why you have been ignoring me for the last 2 hours?" Saying that in a firm, serious, undramatic, unaccusing fashion is still being true to yourself, and shouldn't be making him clam up, unless he has big issues. But I guess he needs to start dealing with his sexual abuse, and thus counseling for him on that issue alone is a must! That might change things. But it would take a lot of strength on your part I imagine to persuade him that issue could well be affecting his marriage. It is very serious what happened to him, but is absolutely no excuse for his atrocious behaviour towards you now. Don't blame yourself whatever you do, and don't be a rescuer either.
 

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I encourage you to seek therapy, I did four years worth and it changed my life profoundly. Even if you cannot get him to go, you will be able to not only see your choices more clearly, you'll learn new ways of reacting to him which will in turn very likely change the way he reacts back. It is a valuable experience and something you will learn a lot in doing, and it can help you find powerful tools for dealing with your situation that you don't even realize you have.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Sounds like abuse and you both need some kind of counseling.<br><br><br><br>
Jenn <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/slinggirl.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Slinggirl"><br>
baby girl
 

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It does sound like he's not treating you the way he should, but I try not to throw the word abuse around.<br><br>
This is a link to a 5 part radio broadcast you may want to listen to (and get him to listen to the part for men). It is from a Christian radio program, but even if you aren't a Christian, it has a lot of good information about men and women's emotional needs. <a href="http://www.familylifetoday.org/fltoday/default.asp?id=7913&past30=1&showType=FamilyLife+Today" target="_blank">http://www.familylifetoday.org/fltod...milyLife+Today</a>
 
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