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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My dp and I, parents of a 3 1/2 dd, are planning on getting married in December. Last week, dp, failed a drug test (pot) and got fired, from the job that was bringing in all the money (he may lose the license that allows him to make all this money as a result of failing the test). I got laid off in late May, and have just started working part-time, but it's not enough money to cover what dp made. Dp made about $1,400 a week, so my dinky little job is getting us nowhere. He is unemployed and has no prospects except $15/hr jobs. We are deeply in debt, largely because of him.<br><br>
You may remember that last year dp got arrested for DUI; I had to drive to a different state to bail him out. We almost didn't make it past that one, but we did and things got better. Now, with this new round of crap, I'm not sure I can look past my reservations. He is an excellent father; our dd loves him unendurably and he loves her, too. I do not want to hurt her, but I also don't want to marry someone feeling the way I'm feeling right now. I don't trust him, I don't respect him, and I can't get past the feeling that I'm raising two children.<br><br>
I am desperate, and very, very sad. I don't want to ruin dd's life, but I also don't want to ruin mine. I have forgiven many things with dp, and I don't know how much more I can forgive (if any). I can't talk to my mom about this b/c my whole family is rabidly anti-drug (even though 75% of them are raging alcoholics) and it is important to me that they understand that however screwed up dp is, he is still dd's father. This happened a couple days ago, right before we went in to do our tasting for the wedding reception (fun). Dp seems to expect me to be cheerier with him by now (3 days later); I have been civil (not in a pursed-lipped way either), but not effusive and he slammed the door this morning on his way out, I guess because I wasn't nice enough.<br><br>
I told dp that these were not the actions of someone who was ready to get married and be a responsible adult (he's 32). He sits there and listens to me, but I honestly think he expects me to just forget about it and move on. I don't know what to do, but we are four months away from a lifetime commitment, and every day I keep on with wedding plans is a day closer to losing deposits and such (not the main issue, but my parents, who are very poor right now and struggling with cancer, are funding the wedding and cannot afford to lose their money).<br><br>
Please, if anybody has any suggestions, or has been with someone like this, or can give any advice in anyway, I am begging for it now. Thank you.
 

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How do you feel about pot, did you know he smoked before he failed the test? And he should probably fight to keep his licence, well, I'm just not sure what kind of work he does. But if he's not working 'under the influence'....<br>
You said you talked to him, and he seemed to listen...so what's his take on this? How does he feel about the fact he lost that job? I'm sure he's having a rough time too, you two have to stick together, if you love him that is.<br>
My dp does things sometimes that I want to ring his neck....but in the end, I cannot imagine him not a part of my life. He is an amazing father, and friend, and gives me so much space to be who I want.<br>
Just remember, losing that job is very stressful for the two of you...is this the time to make a life changing decision? Maybe put off the wedding for a few months if you want....???<br>
Good luck, and of course in the end, you must follow your heart. You will make the right decision for yourself!!!!<br><br>
Peace,<br><br>
Mamasoleil/samson<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hippie.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hippie">
 

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I don't know you and your dh, so take this advice as worth what you're paying for it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Personally, I would put off the wedding. You can reschedule a wedding and pick up where you left off with planning and so forth, but it's a lot harder and more expensive to get a divorce.<br><br>
Just so you know where I'm coming from: my now dh called off our originally-scheduled wedding with just about four months to go, because he was desperately unhappy with the way things were between us and couldn't figure out how to talk to me about it. It was extremely hurtful, to say the least. Long story short, we decided to go to couples counselling and did a lot of hard work and soul-searching to decide whether we wanted to be together and if so how we could make it work. We got re-engaged and got married a year after our original wedding was scheduled.<br><br>
Now, I have to say, it was devastating having dh break off our engagement. I was hurt, shocked, embarrassed - it was like being punched in the gut. I wish he could have found a way to communicate his problems to me a long time before that. But in the end I'm glad it happened the way it did because it was the wake-up call we both needed to get serious about addressing some real problems in our relationship.<br><br>
It sounds from your post that you have a lot of concerns going on. Not only the financial issues, but also trust, respect, dependability, communication. Not to mention the substance abuse issues: I am not against drinking or smoking a little weed now and then, but a) a DUI and b) a positive drug test in the workplace and the possibility of losing a license sound to me like irresponsible substance abuse, not responsible use. These are big, serious issues, and not ones I think you should let him sweep under the rug just because you've got a wedding scheduled.<br><br>
I also know from my own experience that weddings tend to take on a life of their own, and there's so much to do in planning one that things get swept along by the momentum. Who has time to talk about relationship problems when you have to figure out the reception menu (much less take care of a small child)? It is too easy to focus on the fun stuff like cake tastings and let the hard stuff like should we get married at all go unaddressed.<br><br>
I know you're concerned for your dd but I do think you need to call off the wedding until you get your relationship figured out. It sounds like your partner has been a good father up until now without a marriage license, and if it doesn't work out between you and him you can work to keep him involved in your dd's life.<br><br>
I also think that if and when you get married you need to figure out a way to make it cheaper, and take on some of the financial burden yourselves. Your parents don't sound like they're in any position to finance a wedding right now.<br><br>
Big hugs, mama. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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The hard part is not figuring out what should be done, but rather getting the kahoonas to actually do it.<br><br>
You sound like you know what to do, but just afraid to do it. That's very understandable.<br><br>
As far as my standards go your dp does not exhibit marriage material by any stretch. Sounds like you feel this way too.<br><br>
I sympathize with your emotional agony with the situation, but, especially when a child is involved, doing what you know in your heart to be right has to be done.<br><br>
People do not change---or, if they do, it's not because someone else made them...it's because they really wanted do.<br><br>
I would not marry this man. You created a beautiful child with him, so you will always be connected but that doesn't mean you have to be his wife. What would you want your daughter to do in the same situation? I only ask because setting an example for her is important.<br><br>
I'm sorry you're feeling so much grief.
 

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Just thirding what Jane and sparklemom said.<br><br>
It sounds as though you are having some serious doubts. Putting it off until all of this is figured out is not an irreversible decision.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to you - I'm so sorry that you are going through this!
 

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You could always reschedule the wedding for the follwoing year, explaining that you want the finances and the relationship to be solid for the big day (as solid and as perfect as the cake and the wine). Rescheduling rather than posponeing or cancelling might soften the blow.<br><br>
I know you and your dd love dh, but the poster above is right. You can't make him change. And it isn't fair to marry someone so irresponsible that you feel like a mother rather than a wife.<br><br>
The next move is his. He needs to get counceling. He needs to learn responsibility with money. He needs to stop using until he can do so responsibly (and with random drug tests, the only responsible way to use is not to). This may be a wake-up call for him. In six months you should know whether change is iminate or whether you need to cancel the reschedled wedding and move on. This is also 6 months in whcih you can prepare yourself for a future together (for better or worse) or for a break.<br><br>
I am marrying in a month too, and feel confident that if some big screw-up happens (a freak DUI, a job loss, etc), me and dh would make it. This is because I trust him and him me. People screw up. If this scew up is not part of a pattern, than you can work through it. But if the DUI etc is a result of habitually making bad decisions, the blame and guilt and stress can overwhelm the relationahip. Don't marry DH until you can feel with confidence that your relatiosnhip could withstand the horrible stuff that can happen in a momentary lapse of judgement.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you so much for your posts. I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond.<br><br>
I told dp that I wanted to cancel the wedding and we had a big conversation about everything; it was pretty straightforward for me. I told him that I needed someone that I could trust out in the world by himself and that I wasn't going to deal with this stuff anymore. He understands what I said, and has said he is going to do whatever it takes to work these things out. I told him he needed to go to counseling, and he agreed. I gave him some ideas about where to go to get started on that, and told him I would support him, but not take care of him anymore (including things like cooking for him and doing his laundry).<br><br>
In the meantime, I have let myself fall into the trap of the 50s housewife (not to be stereotypical) and am not making enough $ to take care of my own business. I have informed him that I am going to be finding more work (I work part-time making good money, but it's part time), and that I am going to re-construct my life as if he is not a part of it. I also told him that if we did have any money I would have asked him to leave. I think he finally heard all of this, and I think he will do what it takes. We'll see.<br><br>
I am calling the wedding off indefinitely because I don't want to find out in a year that we aren't going to work out and cancel again. I am less concerned with having a wedding ceremony than I am about dp getting it together. And I did also tell him that if he got things together and decided that I was not the partner he wanted that I would understand and he could do whatever he needed to do. I think that surprised him a bit, but I truly want him to be happy, and if I'm not part of that, then I'm not. We are both very committed to our daughter, though, and I think whatever happens she will grow up with 2 loving parents.<br><br>
Thanks again for everything...
 

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I really don't want to sound insensitive but couldn't he get some work, even part time while he seaches your something else? You mentioned in you OP that he can only find jobs for $15 and hour? $15 an hour is a pretty good wage around these parts. I hope that you and you dp are able to work things out if that is what you want to do <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Dp did get a job, the day after he lost his other one. $15 an hour isn't terrible, but he was bringing in $1400 a week. Big change, and we are paying catch-up with bills and other debts. His job now pays $11/hr, with 10 hours a week of overtime.<br><br>
He's taking care of the job part, sort of, but we'll see what happens.
 
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