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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MissNo</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15105848"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I am so sorry for replying without realizing there were so many updates. Uptownzoo, I agree with your post very much, you make such great points. Bisou, you are a great parent. You didn't cause this behavior in your son, and you are trying so hard to find solutions, you ARE a wonderful mother.<br><br>
Buuuut, you need a support system. Your parents are toxic, and you need some other options to be there for you in case of emergency or just to vent. Is it possible for you to find an in-home provider for day care, maybe with fewer kids? Is a mother's helper an option? Someone that can be with you and your son in your home that he can be comfortable with so that you can catch a nap or a break?<br><br>
Hang in there. I know it sounds so cheesy, but I know I keep coming back to this post looking for an update. People care about you, and we want you to succeed.</div>
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Hi MissNO and my other MDC pals:<br><br><b>So NOT cheesy at all! You have no idea how much you've all meant to me. Just knowing that if I am having a hard time I can come here and post and people will actually listen and respond sometimes seems like a miracle.</b> I don't even know any of you people! It definitely renews my faith in humanity to know that a bunch of strangers on the internet would think about me and my son and want to help us. Thank you sooooooo much. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><br><br>
My parents are toxic = agreed! Lately my mom has been suggesting that I should basically give up my son to live with them and I can have him on weekends. It's so ridiculous to me that she doesn't think being basically abandoned by me would be harmful to him. Come on! The last thing my son needs is for me to abandon him to live with his grandparents. What kind of message would that send?<br><br>
As far as the childcare situation goes, I do have him in a small in-home preschool/daycare. Sometimes it's only him and one other child. Actually this is pretty hard for him because he's really bored, and he's 2 1/2 years older than the child he spends the most time with. He's been asking to go somewhere where there are more children.<br><br>
Now for some GOOD NEWS! We've actually had a good day or two in the last few days!<br><br>
After we had our last really bad incident where I completely lost my cool with him <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/guilty.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="guilty"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bawl"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/brokenheart.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loss"> we are now trying a new approach to time out, which is sitting on his bed and even looking at a book. I decided that I HATE having to be in a physical confrontation with him trying to force him, physically, to stay in time out. However, I still feel like he needs to have some consequences if he hits me or throws something at me. So we had a talk and we came up with this plan that he could sit on his bed. If he doesn't stay on his bed, he will have to do a time out the old way. We've tried this twice. The first time he pretty much stayed on his bed. Yesterday he was more angry and resistant, so I put him on his bed and closed the door, then he came out of the bedroom. I reminded him that if he didn't stay on the bed, I'd have to hold him in the chair, and that he and I had agreed that he would do time outs on his bed. He went back into the room, and I put him on the bed. When I closed the door, he said "Mom, can you set the timer for four minutes?" in a calm, sweet voice. I said yes, and he stayed in there! When I went in, he was lying there calming reading a book, and we didn't have any other incidents for the rest of the day!<br><br>
Now of course I don't think that our problems are magically solved. I know if he is really in one of his rages, this might not work at all. I am hopeful that this will be effective enough that we can use it at least the majority of the time. We will see. I am trying to be hopeful whenever/wherever I can.<br><br>
He was at his best this morning, even trying to calm me down when I was feeling frazzled about being late, trying to get him to school, me to an appointment, and give him and the cat their multiple medications! (Antibiotics for him, lots of stuff for the kitty post-surgery.) He kept saying, "It's ok mom. I can help you. Everything is ok!" and trying to help me in any way he could. He was totally cooperative and sweet.<br><br>
I've also been trying to catch him when he starts to go into a fit. For example, if I say, "We need to go to the store," and he says, "But I want to go to the park!" and starts screaming and yelling, I've been saying, "WAIT! Let's talk about this," and then I try to negotiate or explain to avoid the conflict. Before I'd often say, "No, we need to go to the store. We can't go to the park right now." No matter how kindly I said this or tried to explain why we needed to go to the store, seeing me dig my heels in, in a sense, only made him explode.<br><br>
I keep trying and trying to modify my behavior to calm him, but I also don't want to be totally trying to pacify him at all times and let him control everything. It's a hard balance. It takes SO MUCH ENERGY to be constantly thinking, constantly planning diversions, constantly trying to be funny and entertaining. I have been feeling on the verge of just dropping dead in my tracks lately. (And I also haven't made my weekly acupuncture appointment in a few weeks, and I am noticing how much I really need that! It really keeps my stress down!)<br><br>
On the autism issue, I've discussed that with his therapist, and she doesn't see it. When I've read descriptions of Aspergers, maybe one or two things sound like him, but the rest don't. For example, he does seem to be aware of people's emotions, and while smart, he doesn't have that "genius" element that many Aspergers kids do. He also is very good with his motor skills. I suppose he could be on the very end of the spectrum? I don't know enough about how autism works.<br><br>
I started making a list of behaviors and characteristics that I will bring to the OT and to his therapist. I've discussed some of these things with his therapist, but not all. When I've read about sensory processing disorder, a lot of those children have the same kinds of problems with transitions and new situations. They also often have problems with other children. I am hoping the OT will be able to help me sort all this out!!!! I am still trying to remain hopeful.<br><br>
Here is the list I am compiling for the OT who will be looking at the sensory processing stuff. Let me know if you see anything here that pops out at you! I know lots of you have children dealing with these issues, so I really appreciate the info you've all given me. If it wasn't for an MDC mom who mentioned sensory processing disorder (SPD), I would've never even thought to look into that! I think he has definite SP issues, now that I am aware of it, and I've been looking for ways to give him what he needs in his "sensory diet" as much as possible. Lately it's been a lot of squeezing, bear hugs, and tossing him onto the bed. He loves that!<br><br>
Ok, here's the list:<br><br><b>Hates having his teeth brushed.</b> I had to hold him down to brush his teeth (because he absolutely wouldn't cooperate), twice a day, for almost two years. He now will open his mouth for me, but it's still very difficult because he won't sit still, bites the toothbrush, or won't keep his mouth open long enough.<br><br><b>Hates having hair brushed.</b> Will run around the house or wiggle around to avoid having hair brushed.<br><br><b>Likes being squeezed/squished.</b> Likes bear hugs, wrestling, being squished between pillows.<br><br><b>Loves spinning (himself or on merry-go-rounds or swings), swinging, being thrown in the air, being thrown onto the bed. Likes being upside down.</b> Will often lie upside down on the couch or bed.<br><br><b>Loves fast, spinning rides that would scare many/most children his age.</b> At amusement park, he would love to ride roller coasters and other intense rides. Actually had a ride operator comment that he had seen kids twice my son’s age crying on the ride (in fear), and he couldn’t believe that my son loved the ride so much!<br><br><b>Loves climbing, jumping, and all high-intensity movement.</b><br><br><b>Is very high energy.</b> Isn't tired after hours and hours of intense exercise (e.g. hiking straight uphill for an hour). Isn't tired when most children his age would be tired! Needs lots of outside time daily, at least 1-2 hours is the very minimum. The less outside time and physical activity he has, the worse his behavior is.<br><br><b>Dislikes long sleeved shirts, but will wear them.</b> Prefers short-sleeved shirts even when cold. Often gets upset about how his socks feel.<br><br><b>Reacts strongly to loud sounds.</b> Has to wear sound-blocking headphones if I vacuum or use the blender. The other day when I was using a metal spatula to scrape baked on food off a metal tray, he said the sound "hurt" him.<br><br><b>Seems to often have difficulty interpreting other children's intentions,</b> especially when they approach him. If a child approaches him suddenly, moving quickly towards him, he will often hit or push the child. Seems to interpret other child's actions as aggressive. Will often say, "I NEED SPACE!" but will hit if other child doesn't listen. Recently we were at a pharmacy waiting for a prescription, and a small child (around 1 year old or younger) approached him and possibly grabbed his leg. He very roughly kicked the child away from him, knocking him to the ground, to the horror of everyone watching (me included!). If a child is giggling, this seems to go over well with him, and he seems to understand this is a friendly approach. He also sometimes responds positively to children asking him something, like "Hey, wanna go play tag?" as they approach. If a child approaches without giggling or saying something friendly, that child may be hit or pushed.<br><br><b>Likes children and wants to "make friends" but has difficulty doing so.</b> He does want to play with other children but has extreme difficulty doing so, especially with children his age or younger. Often it might start out well then disintegrate into arguing or even physical confrontation (pushing, shoving, hitting). If the other child shows any disagreement or opposes his plans or acts in even a minor confrontational way, he will often overreact and become very confrontational. He has a hard time working out problems with kids, and once they've made him mad, there is pretty much no resolving it. He much prefers older children.<br><br><b>Has extreme difficulty with transitions of any kind or any change in plans,</b> even if it might be something that I think he would enjoy. Has difficulty with leaving me to stay with grandparents on the weekend, then has a hard time leaving grandparents to come home to me. Has a hard time being dropped off at preschool, but then also has a hard time leaving preschool and will often tantrum when I put him in the car. He has tantrums (including hitting and other aggressive behavior) when I pick him up from preschool 60-70% of the time. It isn't that he wants to stay there, but he just is really out of sorts most of the time. I am not sure if this is due to the difficulty of "keeping it together" all day or not.<br><br><b>Is very advanced in his verbal skills and in his motor skills.</b> Could ride a bike without training wheels before age 4. Was running at 9 months. Was eating with a fork and spoon as an infant and very skillfully uses silverware now. Can shoot baskets and kick/throw a ball with great accuracy. Uses advanced vocabulary and complex sentences.<br><br><b>Gets easily frustrated, even though his skill level is fairly high.</b> Gets very frustrated with dressing himself. Prefers me to dress him even though he is capable of doing it. Won't brush his own teeth.<br><br><b>Often chews and sucks on things.</b> He may chew or suck on his fingers, the end of his sleeve, something he's carrying (like a backpack strap), the belt on the coat I am wearing, etc. He does this especially when he seems tense or nervous. For example, when I recently took him to see a children's play for the first time, he was very excited, but chewed on his fingers and hands the entire time.<br><br><b>Has extreme difficulty with new situations, especially if they involve lots of unfamiliar people and activity.</b> I tried to take him to a gymnastics class, and he absolutely couldn't handle it. He really wanted to try it and would love jumping on the trampoline and doing all those tricks, but he was too overwhelmed and scared, even after we returned to the class several times, and I was very encouraging and calm.<br><br><b>Doesn't seem to hear me if he is listening to something else</b>, like the TV. I don't think he is simply ignoring me. I will often have to turn off the TV before I can get his attention.<br><br><b>Sometimes seems to have difficulty getting a good night's sleep.</b> Has lots of nightmares. Screams and moans a lot at times when he's asleep. Sometimes he wakes up, and it's very hard to settle him down.<br><br><b>Usually doesn’t sleep more than 8 hours a night, sometimes only sleeps 6-7 hours.</b> If he has a nap at school, he will have difficulty falling asleep until very late (11pm or later) because his energy level is just too high. If he goes to bed early, say 6:00pm, he will often wake up for the day at 2:00-3:00 am and not be ready to sleep again until 8pm that night. He will often complain about being tired and be cranky as though he must be tired, but rarely is his energy level also low.<br><br><b>Does seem to respond to the emotions of others, but not always appropriately.</b> For example, when I am hurt, he will sometimes laugh, though other times he appears concerned and will try to help by bringing me an ice pack or hugging me.<br><br><b>Will often slam his head or body into me fairly hard, like ramming my back or torso with his head.</b> He often does this when he needs attention, but this also seems to be a possible sensory-seeking behavior. Starting around 12-18 months, when we’d be lying on the bed, he used to throw himself backwards and slam his head into my face/head. He gave me many split lips and black eyes because I wouldn’t see it coming. At the time I interpreted this as aggression, but now I am thinking it might have been sensory-seeking behavior, as it would often come out of nowhere and he wouldn’t seem angry.<br><br><br>
Sooooo, that's the update. I hope the next one is as upbeat! I really relish these happy/good days. This is what I thought parenting would be like! Not perfect, definitely exhausting, but fun a good majority of the time. So far, unfortunately, that's not what I've had. I am not giving up hope that things won't somehow get better. I am hoping that the OT will help.<br><br>
Love you guys! Thanks so much for your continued support!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
