Help! She keeps hitting the dog!

If you are a consensual living no consequences sort of parent, just skip this post now. Same if you think that "3 1/2 is just a baby" and can't be held accountable for her actions. Because I believe that 3 1/2 is plenty old enough to both understand what she needs to do and to resist the impulse to do something. And a pet deserves the same protection from an over-rough child as another child does. Perhaps even more because the pet can't really defend itself. Well, it can, but you would be really angry at the dog if it bit your child.

First, how is it that she can hit the dog if you are right there? Have you figured out when she does this -- what triggers this and what cluss she gives that she is about to hit? Because you should figure out a plan to literally catch her hand when she starts, thus saving the dog. If you aren't close enough to do that, then I would suggest the first step is not to have her and the dog in the same room unless you can be that close and paying that much attention. I know that's hard -- I have a 3 1/2 YO and I don't spend every minute at her side. But she isn't hurting a pet either. So first, I would say you need to pay really, really close attention for the next few days and intervene as soon as her hand (or foot) moves. If you can't do that, then have the dog somewhere else. If he doesn't like the kennel, can you put him in the bedroom or outside or some other room? If your child asks about this, you can tell her why you are keeping the dog away -- she's old enough to remember what happened in the past.

Then, when she does hurt the dog, I wouldn't punish the dog by kenneling it -- I would move the child to another room. Not in a punitive way, but "we need to protect dog and if you don't want to play with dog gently we will leave dog alone and go in here." Which is pretty much the same approach I take when my kids are starting to be not-so-gentle with each other. One of them gets moved to a different activity in a different room.

When dog and child are together, then I would take that moment to demonstrate gentle petting. Again, very hands on, very much down on the floor with child and dog to play and guide. This is showing her the way she should interact with the dog and is the necessary flip side to removing her when she is inappropriate.

It is so important to ensure a safe environment for your child and the dog. Personally, I would do a combination of staggered schedules, and careful supervision with natural/logical consequences. Staggered schedules means that your child's "awake and active" times roughly coincide with the dog's resting and quiet alone time. Then arrange for one part of the day together when you are prepared to closely supervise and teach your dd appropriate behavior. At that age, if she seems mature enough to handle it, I agree that directing her to another room to play when she is rough is better than always crating the dog. One way or another they should be separation after the first infraction. I wouldn't give second chances to hit an animal.

I would be looking at the underlying needs. Does she need a stuffed animal that she *can* hit and wrestle and pound? Would reading age appropriate books on dog care help her internalize better behavior? I would try to figure out the need and meet that even as I closely supervised and separated them until the phase resolved.

I think that demonstrating gentle petting and modeling good pack behavior to your DD, as is close supervision when the dog is around, is whats most important. But....
How does the dog react to this? What age/breed is she? I just need to say that you need to be very careful when removing the situation from the dog rather than the dog from the situation. You dont ever want the dog to make even the smallest aggressive thought towards your DD and then have her be "rewarded" by DD going away. Same idea about comforting the dog, you need to be very aware of what state of mind the dog is in when you praise her, it can be very easy to reward fearful or anxious behavior, which you DONT want. When my DD is getting too rough or intense with our dog, I have the dog go to her pillow, which is off limits to DD. Dogs dont feel upset the way we do, they think very differently.
Seeing that youve only had the dog for a few weeks, shes still settling into her new pack and youve got a great opportunity to set rules, boundaries and limitations with her. She has to earn rights in your little pack....
As far as the kennel, try leaving the door open in a main room of your house for awhile. Put her food down in the kennel. Dont think of it as a punishment or a cage, but make it a safe place for your dog. Your DD should never be encouraged to play with the dog in the kennel..
You can talk to some very knowledgable people over in the Pets forum here, its in Mindful Home Management....Hope to see you over there soon!

I agree with the pp, comforting the dog with a sad voice after its been hit by dd, will teach the dog to be sad around dd. Dogs react to what you do and say, when you have a pup, and it's time to leave the house you don't say in a sad voice "bye bye doggie, see you later...."... this teaches the dog to be sad when you leave.

Like one of the other posters said, you need to be totally actively present when dd and dog are together. Perhaps only specific times for a while, I woudl get some baby gates and let the dog have say the kitchen to roam in, and dd cannot interact with the dog except when you are there to watch and catch her hand before she hits. It shouldn't take long for her to learn.

When my dd was 3, she decided she wanted to put the dog on the leash all the time. I think it was her way of feeling like she could control something. At first I said ok, but soon it became all the time and the poor dog was being dragged around the house for hours. I had to finally tell her, "no leash in the house"... that dogs are not toys and it's not acceptable. She had some fits about it. The hitting would be harder but I'm guessing it's the same type of thing. She is feeling like she has some control over something. She hits the dog and it does nothing to her. She's testing the boundaries of this new relationship.

One thing that has worked for dd, is to tell her that people who are mean to animals cannot keep animals. It is simply not ok. And so if she continues to be mean you will have to find another home for the dog, where the people don't hit the dog...

Because this is a new dog in your house though you do need to keep that in mind and the dog is learning where he fits into this pack... so you need to keep that in mind too

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She can hit the dog because she's faster than I am. I'm the only parent for better than 14 hours each day- I can't neglect all else to keep control of all her bodily movements.

We have a couple of things going on at the same time, I think. The dog is new and is fairly young- just over a year. She is a chewer and has gotten several of DD's toys. We've gotten pretty much everything away before there was damage, but understandably, DD doesn't like for the dog to destroy her toys. But, the fact that she is a chewer means that she can't just be shut in a room somewhere unsupervised. She has rawhides and toys of her own, but is equally happy to chew the furniture. At the same time, DD is going through a really tough phase where it isn't just hitting and kicking the dog, it's screaming hysterically at any and all upsets, as well as hitting me with things when I've said no to something or not gotten her something she wanted fast enough.

On top of all else, I'm 18 weeks pregnant.

Someone asked about the dog's reaction. The dog is starting to react to her doing these things, thankfully not by biting. She either runs away from DD, which gives yet another opportunity (with visible consequences!) to discuss how she is hurting the dog and making her scared. Or, the dog gets all excited, thinking that DD is playing and starts jumping up. DD is not really crazy about playing with her this way since the dog weighs only a little less than DD. So again, there's a visible consequence that we can discuss.

Yesterday, I made a very conscious effort to focus more on the good behaviors than the hitting. She still hit me a couple of times and took a couple of swings at the dog, but didn't actually hit her. It seemed to help. I didn't feel so negative at the end of the day and overall there was less screaming and hitting from her.

You guys made some good suggestions. Making more use of the kennel is probably the best bet and the dog does need to learn to associate it with a safe place. I'll make sure I am paying attention to the dog's state of mind as well, and that I'm not putting her in there with a frustrated disposition. I think having some very concrete consequence to the hitting and kicking would be good, especially if she's not allowed to interact with the dog during the time she's in the kennel.

Maybe someone could put me in the kennel when she's doing the same thing with me!

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We've talked and modeled several times what is appropriate behavior with the dog. We've talked about things to do when the dog is doing something she doesn't like- "Drop" or "No" if she has a toy or "Back" if the dog is getting in her face. I don't know that the dog would necesarily do what DD is requesting, but it is my signal that I need to act quickly to prevent the next step of kicking or hitting. We've also talked about taking a break by walking away from the dog when she's feeling frustrated (a behavior I've modeled & talked about with her when I'm feeling frustrated about something) or by asking mom or dad for help. So, she's been given several options of ways to deal with frustration, just like in real life.

Focusing on her good behaviors with the dog has probably been the most effective thus far. It worked well yesterday and has thus far this morning. Everytime I see her doing something gentle, loving, happy- anything positive- I make sure I point it out and praise it.

A 1 year old dog chewing does not indicate a "chewer." It indicates a young dog going through totally normal young dog behavior. I really really second the recommendation to check out the Pets forum for more info.

Also you might try a treat of some kind in the kennel, a kong or something... she does need to learn that the kennel is a fun, safe, restful place and being physically forced in definitely won't do that. A kong stuffed with some cream cheese is good...

I really also like the idea of baby gates to give the dog "safe" areas to play separate from your daughter without the confinement of the kennel. The dog really shouldn't be alone in the house right now anyways; if she's alone she will get into stuff, she is a young dog and that is what they do! (Consider her a toddler!) So giving her a safe space will give you peace of mind on more than one level.

Maybe you could also include your daughter in some training sessions with the dog... spending 10 min a few times a day teaching "sit" or very basic, simple commands, is a great way to get started with obedience and might make her feel more empowered with the dog too. (Assuming the dog doesn't know "drop" yet.)

I hope that helps

Keep them seperated and keep things that the dog can't have out of the dog's reach. This may mean getting a baby or dog gate and keeping all kid toys in that area or in her/your room, always off the floor if they're not being played with. It's possible, we do it. And keep kid and dog seperated. Again, it's possible because we do it. I TOTALLY trust my dog. He's seven years old and I know him pretty well. HOWEVER if dd one day snags an ear or hurts him and he snaps at her (which would be TOTALLY out of character because he's never snapped) that's MY FAULT. *I* let that happen.

There's a lot of work involved with having a dog, esp a dog and a little one (or two). You can't just train the dog, it's like you have to train the whole family! But really, once you get in the habit of keeping non-dog things out of the dog's reach and always always keeping them seperated (till dd is older - really, even if she 'knows better' - that impulse control is just not there. It's not dd's fault, we adults have to step in) it is much easier. This is too little too late, but I personally wouldn't have gotten a dog with one so young and one so soon on the way. But now you have the dog and I admire you for looking for answers and help!