[manitobamama]

Help, I got a call from my mother of all people! that she was told at work by another parent in our school that dd 13 was seen smoking! I have smoke coming out of my ears!!!!!
So just now when she came in for lunch I said that I would give her the benefit of doubt and that she had been seen smoking and I didn't know if it was true or not. I didn't want to confront her,,, and have her defensive and start fighting. Which has happened all week and now she is grounded for the week for not coming home on time! So I said that if this was ever reported to me again or if she was caught she would literally grounded for a very very long time perhaps for the next 4.5 years. This is intolerable to me!
So she then admits she tried it once and I had such a hard time not freaking out. Then I said that if this was to ever happen again the current group of friends would be off limits. Not a big concern because she changes schools next year and wont' be hanging with this group.
What would you have done? Should I do anything else?

: My dh is going to flip tonight when I tell him which is why I wanted to address it before he got off work.

 

[Marsupialmom]

I wouldn't have believed a friend of a friend even if it came from my mother. I got in trouble more than once because some one could swore they saw me do something.......

I started smoking at that age. Being grounded from my friend wouldn't help. You say she won't be hanging out with these people next year. This means there is going to be a lot of change. I would work on finding ways to help her be less stress not more (grounding would be more). I went from one school to another. I always found the group of smokers to be with.

I would have been honest about being disappointed and why. I would also be understanding to the pressures of smoking. I would also be understanding to the addiction.

I would also work on finding ways to build confidence. Bringing her closer to home. Kids smoke more when they have more opportunity. Limit opportunity. Her friends need to hang out at your house. Obviously she isn't responcible enough to hang out at the mall without suppervission.

 

[AMagicalWishxoxo]

You know, I wouldn't ground her for ever. I mean, I am against smoking, but that is just who I am. I am a very responsible teenager, I don't go out partying when there is alcohol or drugs ect. But I have once smoked one cigerette with my best friend. We just wanted to see what it was like and I have never done it again. I mean think back to your teenage years.. have you ever tried it ? I think if your kid just tried it once then let her off the hook ect. Things happen, but if she does it again, it may just lead to more problems so talk to her. I wouldn't ground her, but maybe take things away from her. Grounding never worked for me, but having my phone, or computer usage, something that I always used got taken away from me I got mad and never did what I got in trouble for again.

<33 Italy

just my opinion. Teenagers try things but its abusing it that makes it a problem.

 

[brittneyscott]

I agree with the pp about the stress. Usually if someone smokes its used as a stress reliever. I started smoking young. My dad started doing drugs and the b/t the fights and chaos he caused and the divorce and family situation for a few years I started smoking. It was a way of releasing stress for me. Try to find things for her to do that will relieve her stress without smoking. Maybe try to create some new family activities.

 

[carmel23]

Okay so I admit it I was a little older than 13, but I was seen by my basketball coach when I was 15 smoking with heather in front of like a coffee shop or something. Which never, ever happened. We weren't there at all--

After that someone offered me a cig and I figured, well since everyone thinks I do I might as well!

Yes, 13 is very young, but try to reach out to her and talk about it--tell he that grounding her means she has to hang out with you

... not something horrible.
I would talk with her and just let her know that you are there, and talk a lot about friends and how we can help them think about choices and stuff--that yes, there are things you can try (sex, driving too fast, stealing) but do you really want to? And some things you might try after a lot of thought, but never on a whim or because you feel expected to do it...

 

[manitobamama]

Thanks for the input everyone,
Italy nice to hear from you I hope you are doing well! I really appreciate your thoughts since well you are still in that head space.
I have decided to let it go at this point, she did admit to trying it once and I think she is still scratching her head as to who saw her. We live in a city but have a real close community. I hope this makes her think twice that even if you look over your shoulder you never know who is around the corner!
I basicly ment that she wouldn't be leaving my sight for awhile. I think that some of her freedom will be reigned in as I don't think she is responsible enough to have as much freedom as she has been given lately. She is currently 'grounded' but I hate that term she has lost priviledges to hang out with friends outside of home. She currently is trying out these new friends who have had some pretty crappy things happen in their lives and I really think she is trying to fit in.
I did start smoking at 12 also drinking and smoking pot regularily at 12 too so I can with some difficulty put myself back there. This is just exteremly unacceptable to us and it just won't be tolerated on any level. I told her she has one get out of jail free card and that next time the consequences will be harsh and severe. Basicly dh and I talked and if there is a next time she will no longer have money from us for anything ie movies, spending money for the mall and the computer will be off limits.
I do understand trying it but since she is aware of how I feel about smoking it will be tough for her to get this by me a second time. I have smelt smoke on her occasionally but she has always said it's from so and so's house. Next time I smell it she won't be visiting at so and so's house they are welcome to hang out here. I have already banned sleep overs at friends homes where their parents smoke she does think this is unfair but it is against my beliefs to have my child in a smoke environment.
Thanks again everyone! I really hope this passes!
I was thinking of stopping in to our local Lung Association to see what resources they might have. And yes she is going through some stress right now I'm expecting in 4 weeks and her bio dad just let her know that they are due in August which I thought was disrespectful on his part not to let her know sooner.

 

[fishface]

Italy, your new picture is gorgeous!

I farted around and smoked in junior high. I did it out of boredom -- my parents worked all day and were not home in the evening. It was more of a "I'm doing this because I CAN" kind of thing. I would steal cigs here and there from my mom. Then I started buying my own/smoking regularly in high school, especially when I could toodle around in my car alone or with friends.

Encourage hanging out at your house and don't leave her alone too terribly much.

 

[mamaduck]

I was just looking at your picture links -- what an amazing, cool family! All those beautiful girls! I'm just ever so slightly envious.

Resources from the Lung Association is a good idea. Maybe they would have someone talk to her a bit?

I would be very upset if my kid started smoking, but I think I would try to keep my cool and approach it from a different angel. I would want to try to get into her head, and understand what was going through her mind. What it was like to make that choice, what she was feeling, whether she liked it or not, whether she thought she would try it again or not, what are the pros and cons, in her mind... etc...

You know, she will ultimately be the one to decide how acceptable smoking is. If she decides to make poor choices -- she can find a way. Your job as a parent is to help her learn how to think about it. How to consider the options, and make wise choices.

Then you can go and have a good cry. Which is what I would be doing!