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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, I have a 14 year old daughter. She wont do her chores. I have tried everything from making chore charts to giving money for daily chores that get done.

She constantly tells me to shut up or she mumbles other things when i send her to do her chores

I have tried to ground her to her room but she walks right back out.

I have took priveledges away but she sneaks constantly to the other kids rooms to watch tv etc.

Any Advice
She back talks the whole family, but me the most. I am her mother
 

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She talks beck to you the most because you are her 'safe place' My guess is that she is letting off frustration and you are taking the brunt of it. I have a son who is a challenge to work with as well and we're not even quite into the actual teen years, but he sounds alot like your dd...I feel for you.

Teens are desperately trying on different ideas and identities in order to find themselves, I knpw this from my studies as well as being around alot of teens. What works the best with my son is to give him nothing to bang up against. I let up on the things I expected of him and try to work with him to learn negotiation. That is a valuable skill to carry into adulthood. I'm not saying to just let her sit around all day , contributing nothing, but if the powerstruggle will be too great, I've found that completely letting up, discussing *their* needs instead of just the needs of the family, the parents, etc...then it disarms them and they begin to build trust, the trust can then be built on.

I'm working on this myself and it is not easy, but for now, there has been peace in my own home.

Good luck
 

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It was around 14 that I realized my parents couldn't really kill me lol

So when they told me to go to my room I thought.... ummm and what can they really do to me if I don't? So I didn't or I would do something completely assanine like take all my closet doors of the hinges and the bed apart. I was such a brat.

Good Luck!!!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by BelovedK
, I've found that completely letting up, discussing *their* needs instead of just the needs of the family, the parents, etc...then it disarms them and they begin to build trust, the trust can then be built on.

I'm working on this myself and it is not easy, but for now, there has been peace in my own home.

Good luck


I just wanted to add, upon reading my post again that negotiation involves making sure *everyones* needs are met. Not the Child's as opposed to the parents...In order for it to be a healthy skill learned, the needs of everyone need to be considered. That teaches empathy and compassion as well as listening to the other person's ideas/ concerns..

I realize that this takes alot of time and patience, but is worth it . It may even seem like things are going backwards for a while, but wait, your child will eventually trust you when she realizes that her own concerns are being listened to and considered...that they are just as important as everyone elses. They are no less just bc they are a teen.

I am working with my son in this way (and my DD) I suppose we will have setbacks along the way and I'm sure I'll post about it when I do


A good book to read about this approach is 'Nonviolent Communication' by Marshall Rosenburg (I think I got his last name spelled right) It is an excellent and important book IMO.
 

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UGH.
I just finished reading a fantastic book called Boundaries with Teens. It is written from a Christian perspective which might be just what you're looking for - or a big turn off. I also once read a GREAT book called The Defiant Child: a parent's guide to oppositional defiant disorder. (A psychologist family member once suggested that my youngest might have ODD - this book was great - because all of the suggestions were along the lines of behavior-modification...and this child is no longer suspected by anyone of having a disorder.)

So, there are some potential resources...here are some other thoughts I have as we are definitely in some trying times with our 17 year old. We absolutely do not allow disrespect (from her - or from ourselves toward her - not an easy task when they say some of the craziest things!). Also, we don't allow the slacking off on chores because it rewards the behavior we don't want to see (not participating as a member of the family) and what about the more compliant siblings who do their chores? (I had a younger sister who always got away with slacking off...it irked me then (because I wouldn't have dreamt of not doing my chores) as I was penalized for being compliant) and to this day she can't hold down a job - and I see the relation between the two. What we tell the kids is that they earn priviledges commeasurate (sp?) with their responsibilities: "If you want X you need to do Y". Also, we have to really work at consequences for our younger kids (the 17 yo is easy: internet, phone, going out, driving her car...)...but consequences have to either add something uncomfortable or, preferably, take away something enjoyable to be effective. (For instance, right now my son is vacuuming the living room - which is his weekly chore, but this week he has to do it every day because (for the umpteenth time) he wore his dirty boots in the house after walking his 4-H pigs...he doesn't like vacuuming..and I bet he will remember to take of his boots in the future). What we have learned is that the battle is ugly in the beginning, but well worth it over time. Good luck, Mama..you're fighting every parent's battle!
 

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I wish my kids did more chores around the house. I never thought I would be the parent who would do the job because it was so much easier than trying to get the kids to do it, but I sometimes do.

What has worked alright in my family (people still complain and moan and bicker with each other about who is doing more) is having the kids all do a job together. I ask them to empty the dishwasher and so the oldest (nearly 14) puts dishes in the cabinets while her younger sisters (11,8) dry them off. My youngest (5) puts away the silverware. They are also responsible for cleaning up after dinner. My son who is 5 folds the napkins and wipes off the table. There is bickering amongst the rest to get the other parts of the job done, but they manage it somehow. I noticed that they had written up a list dividing up the jobs and put it on the fridge. We have two bathrooms in our house, and when they need cleaning I send two kids to each one.

My oldest also does her own laundry and I don't interfere with that too much. Occassionally, I have to remind her that she should do something with the mound of dirty clothes in her room. But she just throws everything in together and hardly ever folds it and puts it away (she has a clean basket and a dirty basket--which yes, sometimes merge).

I am planning on having my other kids start washing their own clothes when they get to 7th grade.

Good Luck. It is such a never ending struggle, isn't it?

(Also, we only have one TV at my house--I think that helps--no place to sneak away and watch)
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by maybaby18
My suggestion is taking everything that is important away from her.


Quote:

Originally Posted by maybaby18
Going to school without my prized possessions like looking good and such made me want to love and cherish my mom, and be respectful
I tell ya, I know *my* teen would never make this assosiation "going to school without possesions made me love my mom"


I would neither


To the OP - I would second the posters who suggested trying to reconnect with her. Teenagehood is tough - on both parent and the teens themselves...

It's almost like a second toddlerhood - when you all of a sudden have those "strange" emotions, but don't quite know how to express them appropriately.

In toddlehood it shows in form of tantrums. In teenagehood - in from of what we see as a "rebelion".

Honestly? I would let go of chores for a while and concentrate on reconnecting with her. Whatever those chores are - they can be left undone for a few days, right?

Sometimes teens all of a suddent see the interaction with parent only in a form of "nagging" - "did you do this?" "did you do that?" "are you staying out of trouble?" and that's all. Not that they themselves are very inviting to be around sometimes, but as we did it when they were toddlers (even though the screaming and flailing and stomping was not very pleasant to be around), we sometimes have to do it again on a slightly different level when they are teenagers.

As you can see yourself - punishments don't do much good...
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Those chores are kept undone at all times. She never does them. She even sneaks food in the room and hides the garbage in the corners, and under things and in the closet. It caused ants, etc.

Her room stays a mess and begins to smell. She shares it with her sister and its not fair for her, she does her side every day. Also, dhr checks my house so it cant be left like that.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by irinam
To the OP - I would second the posters who suggested trying to reconnect with her. Teenagehood is tough - on both parent and the teens themselves...

Babycakescom, is this relatively new behavior (as with the advent of teenhood)?

While I agree that teenhood is a crazy/awful/wonderful time for teens (and their parents), I just think that all people need to understand that certain levels of respect and cooperation are required at all times - whether you feel like it or not. I know that our 17yo can really get out of whack emotionally and what I want her to learn is that life is like that sometimes - but that doesn't mean you quit functioning - or that disrespect or unacceptable behavior are suddenly acceptable. It means that you rise to the challenge and you overcome it. Sometimes that requires a hard line from mom and dad - and sometimes it requires understanding, communication, and mentoring in better ways of handling stress...but that doesn't mean that it's ever acceptable.
 

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I haven't read any of the other replies yet - but here is my two cents.... Reading your post gave me the thought, "children need us most when they are at their worst" It sounds like their are some issues going on with your daughter, maybe it is just about becoming a teen; maybe it is deeper. It sounds like she might be feeling upset with the whole family (or the whole world) right now, since you said that she talks back to everyone. Maybe she needs some special attention - sit with her, take her out for a coffee and treat her as an equal, tell her what you are feeling right now (stress) and that you would like to try to work out some type of plan to make some changes. Is it just her? Maybe the whole family needs to take a step back, have a meeting. If her sister is cleaning her side of the room maybe she is feeling jealous. Kids can be so tricky and mine are not even teens yet, but I can remember being 14 and my parents driving me crazy when I wish they would just listen to what I really had to say: Good Luck!
 

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: I should quit reading posts like this. They make me realize that I will have a teenager one day!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by frontierpsych
: I should quit reading posts like this. They make me realize that I will have a teenager one day!

not only that i was the subject of this post a few years ago!
only thing that made me do anything was the fear of my father. hes not a real warm n fuzzy type. im 20 n have my own kid and still live in fear of angering him. not that hes ever done anything other than lecture hes just a very imposing individual...that didnt help at all to answer your question! sorry all i have are
 

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heh, yeah, I'm 19. Of course, my mom would never post for advice on something like this, she'd just beat the CRAP out of me (and dammit, that diamond on the wedding ring she wore always found it's way to the inside of her palm before she slapped me-- I've been subject to bloody gashes from that thing more than once!) I'm so scared to ever let my kids stay with her for fear she'd hit them. I was so glad when my parents got divorced (I was 15) partially because it meant my mom would get rid of her ring. Now is that effed up or what?! I'm glad I have a great support group here on MDC when it comes to gentle discipline. I can't ever see myself hitting a young child, but when teens act like this it's GOTTA be tempting! I'll need someone to hold me back!
 
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