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Discussion Starter #1
I'm really nervous about all my relatives seeing the baby and me in the hospital. I'll be rooming-in in the LDPR room which has normal 10am-8pm visiting hours, but I'm doing that for me and the baby, not for the whole family to try to squeeze in. Also, this is my first child, and we're both going to be learning how to breastfeed in those early hours. I'm pretty sure I'll be exhausted after the natural childbirth, and besides I would like to freshen up a LITTLE bit before the whole family comes in.<br><br>
Also, I really want to be awake when people see baby for the first time... Is that selfish? And I don't know that I want all sorts of germy hands on baby at least until we get home.<br><br>
I'm even having friends talk about waiting in the waiting room WHILE I"M GIVING BIRTH as if, I dunno, they think they're a) invited and b) going to get to see baby right away...<br><br>
Anyone have any suggestions on how I can tactfully tell people that they need to ask before coming, or how to make people understand where I'm coming from? This is kinda keeping me up at night.
 

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I gently reminded my friends and family that my Dh and I were the only ones there when the baby was made and we want to be the only ones there when the baby arrives. I am not really into tact when it comes to my privacy.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I know, I totally want to tell people to "Get up offa my a$$" but I also care about these people and don't want to hurt feelings if I can help it. Ug.
 

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My family seems to be understanding in my not wanting people around, but my ILs are another story. It appears that I'm either going to pi$$ a whole lot of people off, or I'm going to be miserable. I'm leaning towards making them mad. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I'm with you, especially on the in-law front (they can be pushy) but I'm still trying to see if there's a better way. Of course I'd rather make them mad than be totally uncomfortable!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>momma2emerson</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My family seems to be understanding in my not wanting people around, but my ILs are another story. It appears that I'm either going to pi$$ a whole lot of people off, or I'm going to be miserable. I'm leaning towards making them mad. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"></div>
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You are my kind of mama! I am right there with you on the in-law situation and I am leaning in the same direction. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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I think you should definitely tell people up front that you would like them to wait a while before visiting, to give you some time alone to recover and bond/bf the baby. Hopefully they will be understanding, but if not, they'll get over it. Of course, you could always just wait until the babe is born to call everyone! I seriously would be doing that this pg, but since we live 1.5 hours away from everyone, I don't think that many people will be coming anyway.<br><br>
With ds, I had tons of people waiting around the whole day and they were just chomping at the bit to see/hold ds once he was born. However, he was a little cold so I had to hold him under a heat lamp for awhile after he was born and then he bf'd for a loooong time. People were getting very impatient, but I was not ready to nurse in front of people at that time. (This time, I really don't care, if they wanna come in and see the baby, they'll probably have to look at my boob too!) So I felt pressure from them to hurry up. It made me very uncomfortable. I also felt uncomfortable asking people to leave the room when ds needed to nurse after that time. I guess it was because I was so young and had never bf'd before. But it definitely would have been nice not to have that pressure.
 

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Who says you have to call anyone and tell them you're in labor? (We only called one person when I went to the hospital, and that was b/c we needed him to walk the dog!) You can also specifically tell the hospital not to allow anyone in the L&D ward. Security is usually pretty tight there.<br>
Good luck!<br>
-Erin
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I think you should definitely tell people up front that you would like them to wait a while before visiting, to give you some time alone to recover and bond/bf the baby.<br><br>
That doesn't seem too terrible. And hopefully they will understand.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>merrick</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Of course, you could always just wait until the babe is born to call everyone!</div>
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We live in an apartment in the same house as my parents. Not only would we probably have to sneak out to avoid them knowing, but I kinda want to have some support from my mom in the early hours of labor before I go to hospital. Not sure I could convince DH to leave his parents in the dark because they are only 5 blocks away and it probably wouldn't be fair of me to ask him to withold info. Besides, I just generally think people should be understanding, dammit! hehe<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>merrick</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">but I was not ready to nurse in front of people at that time.</div>
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I don't have a real problem with people seeing me do it when baby and I know how, but I don't need help/comments/stares from people who HAVE NEVER BREASTFED, i.e. everyone I know, at least until we know what we're doing and are comfortable with it.<br><br>
Thanks for the advice I really do appreciate it!
 

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Discussion Starter #10
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>LuckyMommaToo</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Who says you have to call anyone and tell them you're in labor?</div>
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You'll have to read my last post for that answer, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">You can also specifically tell the hospital not to allow anyone in the L&D ward. Security is usually pretty tight there.</td>
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We're not having the baby in the traditional L&D, we're having baby in a LDPR Birthing Center in the hospital, but its not even in the same ward/floor as the maternity ward, so they are much more lax than a regular maternity ward. But you're right, I should see if they'll help fend off the well-meaning wellwishers too early after the birth. I wouldn't know who to ask other than my midwives... Maybe I'll ask at the birthing class wheneverthehell they start up.
 

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According to my midwife, the first 3 hours after a natural childbirth you are on a kind of a natural high, and this is a great time for you and your partner to bond with the baby and to initiate breastfeeding. Then, right after that, is the *only* time in the next few months that you and the baby will be able to sleep for an extended period of time, apparently the baby is quite exhausted after the birth as well. So basically, the 12-24 hours after birth are really important for recuperating. I would say, don't even call people until after you 've gotten that deep rest, if you can help it - you don't want to be interrupted by phone calls or visitors when you're getting your last long chunk of sleep for quite a while!<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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You are getting lots of good ideas! Here are some others:<br><br>
Do you want nobody to visit or just some people (like parents and IL's?). If you just want parents and IL's - tell them now and let others know you would love their company once you get home (especially since then they can bring food, throw some laundry in, make you a sandwich while you are nursing etc!).<br><br>
DH called immediate family when we went into labor...but we waited to go to hospital. Maybe you could call and let people know you are in labor but not going to hospital yet, then you don't have to call them back to say you are going to hospital!<br><br>
I think it is perfectly acceptable to not call people immediately after birth. I remember after DS that it was hours later before I thought too! In fact, it was about 12 hrs later before I called my closest friends...I was in a huge baby loving land! (You can always blame your delay on that!)<br><br>
Ask people to call first if you will allow visitors. That gives you the opportunity to say things like. "My doctor is coming soon, can you try back later." or "The baby will be going to the nursery at that time, and DH will be with him/her...not a good time." or have somebody answer the phone and say "CindyCaz is with the baby right now, can she call you back?". I think it is acceptable to make it clear that visitors must call first!<br><br>
When you call people (if you do) you could say something like "The baby and I should be home on Wednesday. Would you like to stop by on Saturday to see the baby?" ...then you are setting the limit, they can come by once you get home.<br><br>
Some of these ideas allow you to be flexible. I know mama's who enjoyed visitors after birth - you may decide you want the company!<br><br>
Good luck
 

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Mom2Adam said:
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Great advice! Yeah, gotta ask my Mum to stay put at home and wait for us I think. Still trying to decide if I want her at the birth - specifically labouring and pushing - or not. * I can only imagine her trying to give me some rah-rah type of speach while I'm in transition, that really pisses me off and I really blow my lid at her and hurt her feelings. I think she will make me nervous looking at me trying to breastfeed as well (maybe I will ask for privacy when I'm doing that specifically). Not to mention any other well meaning friends coming and being underfoot.<br><br>
And as for the other friends, I will follow your tips about calling or coming at a pre-arranged date, as in please come at the "welcome baby to the world" BBQ on such and such a date, everyone will be there and baby and new Mommy will be ready for the party too!
 

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Actually, soon after birth is when I wanted people to come. So, after ds was born, I tried to nurse him, let dh bond with him while I showered and put makeup on, tried to nurse again, then I was ready for people to come. After the short line of visitors came and left, I didn't want to be bothered for at least a week.<br><br>
So, dh called our friends (we didn't live near family at the time), and they visited. It took less than an hour for all of them to visit, they were happy and so was I.<br><br>
This time, we're not telling anyone when we go to the hospital except MIL because we'll be taking ds to her. We'll call immediately after birth and tell everyone to come for a short visit at the hospital and when we get home, there will be a sign on the door telling everyone a family is bonding and resting as much as possible and we'll call when we're ready for visitors. But, we'll tell our parents ahead of time so they won't be upset.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>peilover010202</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Actually, soon after birth is when I wanted people to come. So, after ds was born, I tried to nurse him, let dh bond with him while I showered and put makeup on, tried to nurse again, then I was ready for people to come. After the short line of visitors came and left, I didn't want to be bothered for at least a week.<br><br>
So, dh called our friends (we didn't live near family at the time), and they visited. It took less than an hour for all of them to visit, they were happy and so was I.<br><br>
This time, we're not telling anyone when we go to the hospital except MIL because we'll be taking ds to her. We'll call immediately after birth and tell everyone to come for a short visit at the hospital and when we get home, there will be a sign on the door telling everyone a family is bonding and resting as much as possible and we'll call when we're ready for visitors. But, we'll tell our parents ahead of time so they won't be upset.</div>
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That's so weird because I was just the opposite. I really got tired of all the visitors in the hospital (of course I have a huge family- dad has 6 brothers and sisters and mom has 2), especially since I didn't have nursing down yet.<br><br>
But then after we got home I was expecting visitors and was all ready for them. I think about two people stopped by. It sucked because dh had to go straight back to work and school and was gone pretty much all day and night so I was alone with a newborn!
 

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This is a good time to work on setting boundaries <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> . Figure out what your dream scenario is...maybe you'd like to babymoon with your dh and your baby for a week or more?! Really tune into yourself and your dh and figure out what you want (while totally ignoring what everyone else wants). Then communicate your wishes to everyone nicely and firmly. You are only having a finite number of babies and you will only have those first hours and days with this baby <b>once</b>. No one is <b>entitled</b> to participate in that time.<br><br>
I would not recommend having friends waiting around for you to have the baby either - birth is not a circus, a type of performance art or a social event. One of the leading causes of c-sections in first time mamas is "failure to progress" and IMO that often happens because the birth situation is inappropriate for mammals - who need dark, quiet, privacy, and safety to birth naturally. Remember that you'll already have birth center staff around you, so you'll probably want to protect the privacy that you do have.<br><br>
The cool thing is, if you change your mind and want to have a big party after the baby is born you can always call everyone and they will be over like a shot <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> . We did find that we wanted people over after ds was born (short visits from beloved friends and neighbours) but we had control over when we called people, ds and I were both in great shape (I hadn't lost any sleep because it was a daytime birth), breastfeeding got off to a great start, I wasn't having any wild hormonal mood issues, and we got all the visits over with by bedtime. I agree with the PP who said that soon after the birth is a good time to get a good sleep and it can get harder as the days go on before the baby is attuned to days/nights.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>merrick</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">That's so weird because I was just the opposite. I really got tired of all the visitors in the hospital (of course I have a huge family- dad has 6 brothers and sisters and mom has 2), especially since I didn't have nursing down yet.<br><br>
But then after we got home I was expecting visitors and was all ready for them. I think about two people stopped by. It sucked because dh had to go straight back to work and school and was gone pretty much all day and night so I was alone with a newborn!</div>
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Well, I had a daytime birth and thankfully slept through contractions off and on all night and woke up around 8am. Contractions didn't get uncomfortable until noon and seemed to disappear once I got in the shower, transition hit - lasted only 10 minutes and babe was born about 20 minutes later. So maybe that's why I was ready to get visitors in and out? I guess it depends a lot on the birth.<br><br>
And, we didn't live near family. So, it was our friends that came. They kept it short and sweet - I guess a little bit different than family! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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This baby will be my 1st that I will not have extended family near me~ I will actually miss not having my family come in take a peak & leave~ For all of my other births that is exactly what everone did~ I have wonderful pictures & memories of sharing our newest addition with my mom, dad, IL's & grandmother~ They not only helped with my other kids they sent their love & support from the waiting room~ After my 1st no-one came in the room to see how things were going~ They are all of the nimd set that drugs are good in labor & it makes them hurt to watch me labor so they just stay out <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I also noticed that they were/ are just as tired as I am from just being in the waiting room so they come & go pretty quickly~<br><br>
With my last child I had leaked amniotic fluid for 13 weeks & was induced at 35.5 weeks because the risk of infection outwieghs the risk of prematurity(plus I will say that I was tired of being on bedrest) We were not sure if we were going to be bringing home a live baby for the first time in all our labors~ Needless to say I was way past nervous & did not want anyone at the hospital in case the worse outcome happened~ My MIL who I love most of the time <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> told me that wild horses could not keep her away from the hospital & tha tshe was going to be in the waiting room no matter what~ At first Iwas really upset but then I realized that if this baby did die not just stillborn then she had a right to know her granddaughter as well as I had a right to kow my daughter~ Even if she oculd only see her through a window she & my mom deserved that chance~<br><br>
So that experience really made me more aware of my family & how important the entire unit is not just my feelings~ Don't think of it as a curcus~ Think of it as a lovely birthday party~ Your family can be told early that you will not be up to visiting with everything still going on but they are welcome to stay in the waiting room & then come in say hello, ooh & ahh and then come back the next day for a better visit~ Most people will really surprise you & respect your privacy~<br><br>
HTH's<br>
Melissa
 
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