Help with 9yo dd please

729 Views 6 Replies 5 Participants Last post by Charles Baudelaire, Apr 15, 2006

Stephane

Discussion Starter · Apr 13, 2006

I am new to GD, and my dd frustrates me so much! This is a difficult age, for both of us.

The main issue is her overall attitude. She doesn't want to help out around the house, gets testy with everyone, and is constantly comparing our family to others who she is sure have it better in some way. She complains about not getting an allowance, not having fancy clothes, and not getting to do a lot of outings. In the same breath, she's upset that I work two evenings a week on the weekends. She knows I have to work because we need the money, but she resents that I work on the weekend. The other day, she said that she wished I would just put the babies in daycare so I'd be home on the weekends with her.

I am home friday night for family time, and I only work from 2p-10p Sat/Sun.

As an example of her attitude, I asked her yesterday afternoon to fold a basket of laundry. She took two hours to do it, and when she was finished, she left the little piles in the living room floor. I asked her just to take the stacks to the right rooms, and told her she didn't have to put them away, just in the right rooms. She took a little, then sat down to watch tv. I asked her again, in the exact same friendly tone, to put the clothes away. She took a stack, then sat down to watch tv. I asked her a third time to take the rest of the clothes, and she grabbed them, sighed, flipped around and stomped off. I asked her if she needed a nap (oops, old habits), and she had a mini breakdown. She got very angry, stomped around some more, and started crying. I was in the middle of something, but within 5 minutes, I called her aside and told her that I just didn't appreciate the attitude. She said that she just wanted to watch tv. I reminded her that she'd watched tv for 2 whole hours. I told her she didn't have to take a nap, but she was acting cranky and tired; then I said that she could hang out with us but I didn't want to put up with that tude, so she could watch tv in her room if she was going to be cranky and mean.

I know I didn't handle this 'right'. I don't seem to handle anything right with her. I enforce boundaries, and she goes off the deep end. I loosen my grip and she pushes back to see how far I'll "give". There are many other examples, and I'm sure it's normal stuff. I just need some tools. Oh and she's in the early stages of puberty, I know some of the moodiness is from that. I'd like to teach her how to handle the moody times without making everyone around her miserable though. I hate it when women do that.

She was a quiet, content baby, a cheerful, compliant and cooperative preschooler, and then developed a major attitude around first grade; which is also when her baby sister was born and she stopped being the baby. I really attribute more to school than the baby, but I'm sure it's a factor as well.

Sorry for the book. I could really use some help.

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Jasmyn's Mum

· #2 · Apr 13, 2006

My dd is only 2 so I don't know if I'd be the right person for advice. It sounds like she needs some extra attention and your time. I'm sure you must be super busy but is there any way that you could get some quality time together with just the two of you? Kinda like a Mommy-daughter date? Even if it's one night a week or every other week. Something to show her that you want to spend time with just her. Go to a movie or to the mall or whatever.

It also sounds like you need to sit with her and have a heart-heart. My friend's mom said to her once "I don't know how to connect with you. PLease tell me what you need." It showed her that her Mom was human and is willing to work with her. Pre-adolescence is a tough stage in life. YOu couldn't pay me to do it again.

Be gentle with each other, MAma. Good luck!

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mamaduck

· #3 · Apr 13, 2006

Up until Jan. I was working a schedule similar to yours. It was *very* hard on my 9 yo. He really felt that I had time for everyone but him. The only thing I could do was empathize -- but it helped a lot. The best thing to do when he griped about my schedule was too just openly admit that I missed him too, and wished I had more time to spend with him. I tried to ignore his attitude and address the underlying feelings. And I didn't waste my breath explaining or justifying my schedule. And I didn't try to make it seem reasonable. The fact was -- he didn't feel like it was reasonable.

With chores -- I'm lucky in that my ds really likes to help out. But I don't enforce or demand anything. If he is in a funk about helping (which is rare) then I appeal to his age and status. "I really depend on you a lot as an older member of the family. I appreciate and need your help."

I also will frequently point out that I feel hurt by his tone. Never accusing him of anything. But instead using "I" statements. For example, "I would be happy to do that for you, but I'd prefer you ask me more gently first."

I think he does seem more edgy and maybe more hormonal lately too. I often have to let him storm away in tears, and not try to fix it or make him stop. He will compose himself eventually and does not always appreciate my input. Its okay for family members to go through stormy periods. We can support him when its his turn to feel funky and miserable. Goodness knows I have my days too.

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maya44

· #4 · Apr 13, 2006

First, stop expecting her to want to help or to do so without complaining. All sighing and needing to be asked repeatedly is just par for the course and should be ignored. (a "la la la I can't hear you" in your own head is usually good

)

And make sure to thank her. Alot. Thanks for folding the clothes. Now I need you to put them away. Thanks for putting them away. It really does help me out ALOT!

"I want to watch TV"

"I know. But I need the clothes put away. Put them away and then I will have no problem with you watching."

NOTE: you are not saying she can't watch TV unless she puts them away, just that you won't like it if she does that.

In other words, I absolutely make demands. But if they are not met, they risk only having not met them.

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Charles Baudelaire

· #5 · Apr 13, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stephane
I am new to GD, and my dd frustrates me so much! This is a difficult age, for both of us.

The main issue is her overall attitude. She doesn't want to help out around the house, gets testy with everyone, and is constantly comparing our family to others who she is sure have it better in some way. She complains about not getting an allowance, not having fancy clothes, and not getting to do a lot of outings. In the same breath, she's upset that I work two evenings a week on the weekends. She knows I have to work because we need the money, but she resents that I work on the weekend. The other day, she said that she wished I would just put the babies in daycare so I'd be home on the weekends with her.

I am home friday night for family time, and I only work from 2p-10p Sat/Sun.

I see two problems here: one, she has affluenza. She's constantly surrounded at school and on tv by images of people who have more than she has, and she's been culturally conditioned by the media to think that buying and having material possessions will solve her problem.

Solution: Pull the plug.
Seriously. Cancel the cable, if nothing else, and use TV only for DVDs. Right there, you cut out commercials, and that's a big part of it.

Next: no teen magazines. They exist, like most women's magazines, to make you feel bad and to believe you'll feel better if you buy things.

The other thing is that she's hungry for your time, your attention. I don't know your situation, but is there any way you can homeschool her? Especially based on the fact that apparently her attitude began with school and is probably not going to be improved by adolescence, I'd seriously look for alternatives, if you can. Can you downsize your house? Your expenses?

Quote:

As an example of her attitude, I asked her yesterday afternoon to fold a basket of laundry. She took two hours to do it, and when she was finished, she left the little piles in the living room floor. I asked her just to take the stacks to the right rooms, and told her she didn't have to put them away, just in the right rooms. She took a little, then sat down to watch tv. I asked her again, in the exact same friendly tone, to put the clothes away. She took a stack, then sat down to watch tv. I asked her a third time to take the rest of the clothes, and she grabbed them, sighed, flipped around and stomped off. I asked her if she needed a nap (oops, old habits), and she had a mini breakdown. She got very angry, stomped around some more, and started crying. I was in the middle of something, but within 5 minutes, I called her aside and told her that I just didn't appreciate the attitude. She said that she just wanted to watch tv. I reminded her that she'd watched tv for 2 whole hours. I told her she didn't have to take a nap, but she was acting cranky and tired; then I said that she could hang out with us but I didn't want to put up with that tude, so she could watch tv in her room if she was going to be cranky and mean.

I know I didn't handle this 'right'. I don't seem to handle anything right with her. I enforce boundaries, and she goes off the deep end. I loosen my grip and she pushes back to see how far I'll "give". There are many other examples, and I'm sure it's normal stuff. I just need some tools. Oh and she's in the early stages of puberty, I know some of the moodiness is from that. I'd like to teach her how to handle the moody times without making everyone around her miserable though. I hate it when women do that.

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Stephane

Discussion Starter · #6 · Apr 15, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jasmyn's Mum
My dd is only 2 so I don't know if I'd be the right person for advice. It sounds like she needs some extra attention and your time. I'm sure you must be super busy but is there any way that you could get some quality time together with just the two of you? Kinda like a Mommy-daughter date? Even if it's one night a week or every other week. Something to show her that you want to spend time with just her. Go to a movie or to the mall or whatever.

It also sounds like you need to sit with her and have a heart-heart. My friend's mom said to her once "I don't know how to connect with you. PLease tell me what you need." It showed her that her Mom was human and is willing to work with her. Pre-adolescence is a tough stage in life. YOu couldn't pay me to do it again.

Be gentle with each other, MAma. Good luck!

Really great advice. Thank you so much. I always intend to do one on one stuff with her, and never quite get around to it. That's a big reason for my looking into alternative discipline in the first place. I wasn't getting any time with my children between their mandated chores and mandated consequences for not doing said chores.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamaduck
Up until Jan. I was working a schedule similar to yours. It was *very* hard on my 9 yo. He really felt that I had time for everyone but him. The only thing I could do was empathize -- but it helped a lot. The best thing to do when he griped about my schedule was too just openly admit that I missed him too, and wished I had more time to spend with him. I tried to ignore his attitude and address the underlying feelings. And I didn't waste my breath explaining or justifying my schedule. And I didn't try to make it seem reasonable. The fact was -- he didn't feel like it was reasonable.

With chores -- I'm lucky in that my ds really likes to help out. But I don't enforce or demand anything. If he is in a funk about helping (which is rare) then I appeal to his age and status. "I really depend on you a lot as an older member of the family. I appreciate and need your help."

I also will frequently point out that I feel hurt by his tone. Never accusing him of anything. But instead using "I" statements. For example, "I would be happy to do that for you, but I'd prefer you ask me more gently first."

I think he does seem more edgy and maybe more hormonal lately too. I often have to let him storm away in tears, and not try to fix it or make him stop. He will compose himself eventually and does not always appreciate my input. Its okay for family members to go through stormy periods. We can support him when its his turn to feel funky and miserable. Goodness knows I have my days too.

Thanks for your help and empathy. Everything you said makes a ton of sense. I still get hung up on her being disrespectful and that reflecting badly on me. Our relationship is slowly improving. She's always been affectionate, but she's even more so now. I think we are on the right track. She used to love to help out, until it was required. The irony is not lost on me, believe me. I get much more cooperation out of her when we do things together, that's just not always an option. I'm trying not to care so much. DP and DS age 15 DO care though, since DS had to do it without parental help, and got flak for his attitude, it's got to me hard on him for me to all of a sudden ease off of everyone. DP is still not really on board the GD train, and is pretty sure I've lost my mind and thrown out all rules. So I am also trying to get her cooperation to prevent her getting bullied by those two. It's kind of a tightrope I'm walking while I try to convince everyone I'm not nuts. I've noticed though that the house is more peaceful. In fact, yesterday DS & DD had a disagreement. Instead of bickering for the next 30 minutes, they actually told each other how they FELT and didn't even raise their voices! The entire interchange was less than 3 minutes. It was thrilling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by maya44
First, stop expecting her to want to help or to do so without complaining. All sighing and needing to be asked repeatedly is just par for the course and should be ignored. (a "la la la I can't hear you" in your own head is usually good

)
And make sure to thank her. Alot. Thanks for folding the clothes. Now I need you to put them away. Thanks for putting them away. It really does help me out ALOT!

"I want to watch TV"

"I know. But I need the clothes put away. Put them away and then I will have no problem with you watching."

NOTE: you are not saying she can't watch TV unless she puts them away, just that you won't like it if she does that.

In other words, I absolutely make demands. But if they are not met, they risk only having not met them.

Thanks, I needed that reminder. I was not allowed any sort of disagreement or sour attitude when I was a kid. It's hard to let that go. I have been doing the thank you thing, but can I overdo that? I don't want to seem insincere or manipulative.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charles Baudelaire
I see two problems here: one, she has affluenza. She's constantly surrounded at school and on tv by images of people who have more than she has, and she's been culturally conditioned by the media to think that buying and having material possessions will solve her problem.

Solution: Pull the plug.
Seriously. Cancel the cable, if nothing else, and use TV only for DVDs. Right there, you cut out commercials, and that's a big part of it.

Next: no teen magazines. They exist, like most women's magazines, to make you feel bad and to believe you'll feel better if you buy things.

The other thing is that she's hungry for your time, your attention. I don't know your situation, but is there any way you can homeschool her? Especially based on the fact that apparently her attitude began with school and is probably not going to be improved by adolescence, I'd seriously look for alternatives, if you can. Can you downsize your house? Your expenses?

Affleunza....yeah, you nailed it on the head. It frustrates me to no end, because I am so not THAT girl. I think the bulk of it is from school. She watches very little commercial tv. Most of the time, it's movies or prerecorded stuff where we can skip through the commercials. That 2 hr straight watching the other day was a fairly rare event. Probably why she was so resistant to the laundry interrupting her.

She doesn't get any teen magazines. I thought about subscribing to American Girl mag for her, as an alternative to the others though. I'd love to homeschool her, but we tried it last year and she begged to go back to public school. It was not a great experience for a lot of reasons, but I wish they'd given it more time. I was outvoted 3 to 1 though.

Thank you for your advice, it was right on target and I don't mean to shoot down all of your ideas. Got anymore?

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Charles Baudelaire

· #7 · Apr 15, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stephane
I'd love to homeschool her, but we tried it last year and she begged to go back to public school. It was not a great experience for a lot of reasons, but I wish they'd given it more time. I was outvoted 3 to 1 though.

Thank you for your advice, it was right on target and I don't mean to shoot down all of your ideas. Got anymore?

I would be most curious as to her stated reasons WHY she wanted to go back to PS. My guess is that, "Because I want a world-class education free from distractions" was not one of them.

Hey, it's your house, your family, your rules, but if I were in your place, I would strongly assert my desire to have this debate re-opened and re-assessed. Forgive me if I am less than GD on this point here, but I am not convinced that the typical reasons a kid might want to go back to PS are well-considered or in her best interests. "Because my friends are there" is actually one of the worst of all, not just because she's thinking that the purpose of school is socialization, but because she thinks she can't have those same friends without school.

Just a thought.

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