[Mizelenius]

Nothing I do seems to work with my 4 yo. She just laughs and laughs even when I'm mad-- and it doesn't seem to be the "nervous" laughter you would think which, is more frustrating than anything I've had to deal with.

She just refuses to do things. The playing method results in her getting even crazier than ever. When she plays with her sisters she can eventually get wild if she doesn't get her way-- kicking, spitting, pushing. It's not rage/tantrum that makes her do this, she is more wild than anything.

I HS my oldest, and I cannot tell you how much I wish DD 2 could go to school-- full-time or even daily part-time. (She was in school part-time last fall and did not act like this.) I very rarely get a break from her as I have no one nearby for help, and I'm with the kids alone for at least 12 hours a day. The only time I can remember not having her was yesterday for 20 minutes, when she went into the church nursery with someone else. Wow. It was heaven.

She is not always hard . . .but she doesn't have the switch that makes her stop before getting really carried away, and nothing I do can turn on that switch. For a long time, I thought it was her age . . .she was 22 months when #3 was born. But now #3 is 2 years old, and while very difficult in some ways, still not as hard as #2. I know she is still VERY young and is easier than she was before, but ay, this is exhausting!

 

[mama_mojo]

All three of my kids went through a stage (a very long stage that DD2 is in right now) of getting wilder and sillier if they were being called down for something. Mostly, wildness gets sent outside. They cannot "learn" anything in that moment, so disciplining them is pointless. They might as well go play and get their wiggles out. Talking goes much better when I've calmed down anyway. And by talking, I say, "Hey, DD2, we do not squirt shampoo all over the floor and skate in it; that makes a big mess and it wastes the shampoo. Shampoo is for hair. What is shampoo for?" DD2 says, "Hair." I say, "Okay, let's have a story."

I think they do know they're in trouble, and they get an adrenaline surge and go bonkers. Once they get over that surge and know they are not in trouble or punished or whatever, they can open up to hearing what you have to say.

 

[foreverinbluejeans]

Sometimes when one of our children are driving us crazy and we just want to get away the best thing is to embrace that child and give them more love, more attention. There is a saying that children need loving the most when they deserve it the least.

 

[Mizelenius]

mama mojo: I agree with you absolutely that the crazy time is not a teaching time. Outside has not been an option lately-- for one, it's been cold, and also, she isn't a fan of the outdoors like her sisters so it would be harder to encourage. BUT I will keep this idea for the near future, since this cold and snow has to go away eventually!

foreverinbluejeans: I completely agree with you, but at those moments I need to get AWAY from DD to calm myself down, because if I try to interact with her to give her atttention she starts to do things that make me even more annoyed (like licking me) or screaming really loudly. Ditto for if I ignore her.

 

[fritz]

I haven't read it, but I've seen it recommended a lot here: Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheed Kurcinka. Maybe check it out.

After being solo with the kids for 12 hours straight, do you get a break then? Or are you still stuck being "on" all the time? It sounds like you desperately need a break. Any chance of finding a mother's helper? Or maybe in summer when the older teens are on break from school, find one who's willing/able to drive out to where you are?

 

[Mizelenius]

fritz, no, no break. My DH comes home and he is a GREAT help with the kids, but of course, it's not like I can hang out by myself completely, though I do do things like cook. A teen helper is a good idea!

DH and I had a talk about this whole thing last night and it was good. We didn't say anything new, but we reminded each other to focus on the little things to make it better:
(1) Focus only on the next interaction with our children and make it better (from Sandra Dodd)
(2) Focus on letting our children know that we hear/acknowledge/validate their needs.
(3) In the case of my DD getting wild, focus on redirecting, not discipline.

We are trying to get away from the nagging, lecturing, etc. that we are prone to do. Our plan is-- validate the need/concern/feeling, see if we can help problem-solve, and if that just isn't possible, redirect.

 

[proudmamanow]

Hi Mizelenius--I remember you from our April `05 DDC. And ironically, dw & I could have written your post, as this describes dd1 to a T right now. Laughing & escalating if we discipline her, defiance for all requests even the most simple. Hitting, namecalling etc.
Of course she is still our wonderful, creative, funny, loving girl too. One insight dw & I have come up with is that dd is very sensitive to criticism (as am I) and tends to shut down at the first sign of being reprimanded and then escalates the goofy, laughing behaviour. Great insight, but we are still left frustrated and unsure of what to do

Interested in hearing others thoughts on this thread...