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Backstory: (sorry this is sooo long!)<br>
I don't have a great relationship with my inlaws. They don't understand social norms and have hurt me many times by acting very inappropriately. DH insists that this is out of ignorance and not unkindness, and at this stage I want to believe him. That said, I don't jump at chances to see them because I have a hard time dealing with it all. (examples include yelling at me in the middle of the Christmas gift exchange, inviting dh and my then newborn son out to dinner and specifying that I wasn't welcome and specifically undermining my parenting choices as soon as I leave the room) In spite of all of this, I want my kids to have a relationship with them and my DS has always seen plenty of them.<br><br>
DD has been a different story. She seven months old. She's seen them probably a dozen or more times, (they live an hour away) but she is a very high needs baby and pretty much only wants mama, which means she's been in the sling or attached to my breast most of the time. She won't go to sleep anywhere except for my bed, no matter how hard I've tried. When we are out past bedtime she screams inconsolably until we get her home. At home, she is asleep by 6:00pm most nights. DS naps until about 3:30 most afternoons. We don't have a lot of time in the evenings unless it's with angry children and they pretty much exclusively want to do things in the evenings.<br><br>
Also of concern is that DS has many allergies and we don't yet have them all figured out. <b>Every single time</b> he is at my inlaw's he breaks out. Every time. His skin reacts so badly to whatever it is that he gets these eczema like patches that seep blood. First I thought it was that they were sneaking him treats when we weren't looking, but twice DH has monitored him the whole time he's there and he is still breaking out. So I don't really want him in their house until we can get it pegged down as to what it is what is causing that... DH has been taking DS there a lot without me or DD so they can see DS and dd won't freak.<br><br>
So MIL has been so upset that she hasn't seen DD enough, she's apparently spending her evenings crying. I feel bad about this of course and I want to try and help with that, but there's only so much I can do if they are not willing to work with us.<br><br>
The other issues is that Christmas is coming. We traditionally have dinner at their house for Christmas. They eat late, last year we at at seven, opened gifts at eight. DS was a wreck by the end of it last year, but any attempt to speed things up has only been viewed as me trying to not spend time with them. (IE suggesting at 6:00 that we should eat dinner.) This year, to avoid dd being unhappy for hours, just this once, I'd like to have dinner at my house so that when it's time, I can just excuse myself and put dd to bed and it's easier for me to control the schedule so that DS isn't crabby for the gift exchange and won't have bleeding welts the next day. I don't think it's too much to ask, though I fear asking will create yet more family drama.<br><br>
So here's the email I plan on sending to address all of these issues. Please help me to make it sound as non-confrontational as possible. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/help.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="help"><br><br>
Hi MIL,<br>
I hope you guys are doing well. Keagan had a great time with you guys the other day and was just asking me to "See Grandpa D soon soon!" In other Keagan news, he read the word ball today! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I heard that you're really upset about not having seen much of Eden. I am really sorry that it's been that way. Eden is a really high needs baby and she really is not happy in the evenings. We have a pretty small window from the time Keagan gets up from his nap to the time she needs to start getting ready for bed. She is usually fussy and wanting to nurse by about 5:30 and asleep by 6:00. She's not a good sleeper and has problems falling asleep away from home. Basically, I haven't really gone out in the past seven months hardly at all because it's just too hard on the whole family. I don't know if Nick or Matt were anything like this at all as babies, I know Keagan surely wasn't. Keagan would go to sleep anywhere and it made it easy for us to go on outings, but Eden is just not that way at all. I really hope you don't think that I'm trying to keep you away from your granddaughter. I'd never do that- you are a loving person and I want my kids to know you and D well.<br><br>
We'd love to have you over soon so that you can see both kids. I'd love to come there, but that small window gets even smaller when we have to travel and you'll get more time with the kids if you come here. Plus, Keagan keeps having some sort of reaction from being in your home. Sometimes his welts even bleed after being in your home. We're going to get allergy testing done as he's finally old enough for it, but until that's all straightened out it's best to have you spend time with Keagan somewhere else. It's bad for his immune system to be exposed to his allergens and in this cold and flu season I just don't want to make his weak immune system any worse. If you don't want to just see him here at our home I am sure we could work out some fun outings such as the zoo on a clear day, the Children's Museum etc.<br><br>
In light of all of that, I was wondering if it would be possible to have you come to us for Christmas dinner. We could do our gift exchange, I could put Eden to sleep in her own bed, and then we could eat dinner together. I'm afraid if we come for dinner at your house, Eden will lose it while we're opening gifts or eating dinner and I'll spend the rest of the evening trying unsuccessfully to keep her calm in some far off corner of the house. After a certain time, the only place she will calm down is our bed. I've tried other places and I've never been successful, I just have a baby who screams until we get her home and it's a long drive for her to scream for that long.<br><br>
Anyway, I know travel isn't easy for you either, but I was hoping that maybe just for this one year we could to things a bit differently so that Eden and I can enjoy the holiday with the family and her screaming doesn't disrupt everyone's holiday. I'm sure when she's another year older, she will be more flexible.<br><br>
Please let me know how you feel about this all soon. I hope that we can work something out that works for everyone!<br>
Stephenie<br>
___________<br><br>
So please, please help me to avoid more drama! Thanks!
I don't have a great relationship with my inlaws. They don't understand social norms and have hurt me many times by acting very inappropriately. DH insists that this is out of ignorance and not unkindness, and at this stage I want to believe him. That said, I don't jump at chances to see them because I have a hard time dealing with it all. (examples include yelling at me in the middle of the Christmas gift exchange, inviting dh and my then newborn son out to dinner and specifying that I wasn't welcome and specifically undermining my parenting choices as soon as I leave the room) In spite of all of this, I want my kids to have a relationship with them and my DS has always seen plenty of them.<br><br>
DD has been a different story. She seven months old. She's seen them probably a dozen or more times, (they live an hour away) but she is a very high needs baby and pretty much only wants mama, which means she's been in the sling or attached to my breast most of the time. She won't go to sleep anywhere except for my bed, no matter how hard I've tried. When we are out past bedtime she screams inconsolably until we get her home. At home, she is asleep by 6:00pm most nights. DS naps until about 3:30 most afternoons. We don't have a lot of time in the evenings unless it's with angry children and they pretty much exclusively want to do things in the evenings.<br><br>
Also of concern is that DS has many allergies and we don't yet have them all figured out. <b>Every single time</b> he is at my inlaw's he breaks out. Every time. His skin reacts so badly to whatever it is that he gets these eczema like patches that seep blood. First I thought it was that they were sneaking him treats when we weren't looking, but twice DH has monitored him the whole time he's there and he is still breaking out. So I don't really want him in their house until we can get it pegged down as to what it is what is causing that... DH has been taking DS there a lot without me or DD so they can see DS and dd won't freak.<br><br>
So MIL has been so upset that she hasn't seen DD enough, she's apparently spending her evenings crying. I feel bad about this of course and I want to try and help with that, but there's only so much I can do if they are not willing to work with us.<br><br>
The other issues is that Christmas is coming. We traditionally have dinner at their house for Christmas. They eat late, last year we at at seven, opened gifts at eight. DS was a wreck by the end of it last year, but any attempt to speed things up has only been viewed as me trying to not spend time with them. (IE suggesting at 6:00 that we should eat dinner.) This year, to avoid dd being unhappy for hours, just this once, I'd like to have dinner at my house so that when it's time, I can just excuse myself and put dd to bed and it's easier for me to control the schedule so that DS isn't crabby for the gift exchange and won't have bleeding welts the next day. I don't think it's too much to ask, though I fear asking will create yet more family drama.<br><br>
So here's the email I plan on sending to address all of these issues. Please help me to make it sound as non-confrontational as possible. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/help.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="help"><br><br>
Hi MIL,<br>
I hope you guys are doing well. Keagan had a great time with you guys the other day and was just asking me to "See Grandpa D soon soon!" In other Keagan news, he read the word ball today! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I heard that you're really upset about not having seen much of Eden. I am really sorry that it's been that way. Eden is a really high needs baby and she really is not happy in the evenings. We have a pretty small window from the time Keagan gets up from his nap to the time she needs to start getting ready for bed. She is usually fussy and wanting to nurse by about 5:30 and asleep by 6:00. She's not a good sleeper and has problems falling asleep away from home. Basically, I haven't really gone out in the past seven months hardly at all because it's just too hard on the whole family. I don't know if Nick or Matt were anything like this at all as babies, I know Keagan surely wasn't. Keagan would go to sleep anywhere and it made it easy for us to go on outings, but Eden is just not that way at all. I really hope you don't think that I'm trying to keep you away from your granddaughter. I'd never do that- you are a loving person and I want my kids to know you and D well.<br><br>
We'd love to have you over soon so that you can see both kids. I'd love to come there, but that small window gets even smaller when we have to travel and you'll get more time with the kids if you come here. Plus, Keagan keeps having some sort of reaction from being in your home. Sometimes his welts even bleed after being in your home. We're going to get allergy testing done as he's finally old enough for it, but until that's all straightened out it's best to have you spend time with Keagan somewhere else. It's bad for his immune system to be exposed to his allergens and in this cold and flu season I just don't want to make his weak immune system any worse. If you don't want to just see him here at our home I am sure we could work out some fun outings such as the zoo on a clear day, the Children's Museum etc.<br><br>
In light of all of that, I was wondering if it would be possible to have you come to us for Christmas dinner. We could do our gift exchange, I could put Eden to sleep in her own bed, and then we could eat dinner together. I'm afraid if we come for dinner at your house, Eden will lose it while we're opening gifts or eating dinner and I'll spend the rest of the evening trying unsuccessfully to keep her calm in some far off corner of the house. After a certain time, the only place she will calm down is our bed. I've tried other places and I've never been successful, I just have a baby who screams until we get her home and it's a long drive for her to scream for that long.<br><br>
Anyway, I know travel isn't easy for you either, but I was hoping that maybe just for this one year we could to things a bit differently so that Eden and I can enjoy the holiday with the family and her screaming doesn't disrupt everyone's holiday. I'm sure when she's another year older, she will be more flexible.<br><br>
Please let me know how you feel about this all soon. I hope that we can work something out that works for everyone!<br>
Stephenie<br>
___________<br><br>
So please, please help me to avoid more drama! Thanks!