DS1 has meltdowns during which he is totally unreachable, and he will often try to hurt me during these angry spells. Is that how it plays out for your DD?
I don't feel comfortable portraying our story as a total success quite yet, but I can tell you a little about our journey so far. Things have gotten a lot better, especially over the past six months. (He turned three years old last fall.)
It really frightened me to see DS developing in this way. I was never like that as a child, nor was anybody in my family... but my son's biological father was that way, and he became a truly awful man. I felt I needed to nip the behavior in the bud, but I didn't know how. I was consistent with delivering consequences for these outbursts, but they weren't doing anything to change him. I stepped up the severity and so he stepped up his negative behavior. I yelled, screamed, and cried in desperation, and he yelled back at me. Nothing seemed to matter to him.
What has made the biggest difference for DS was transforming my entire outlook on parenting. I'm a quick reader, so I've made heavy use of my local library.
These three books were the most helpful:
Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort
Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
They're not perfect (nothing is), but I gained a lot by reading them and adapting the ideas for my own child. As Nelson cautions in her book, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. If something an author recommends doesn't sit right with me, I skip over it for now and take the parts that do work. Sometimes I come back and find out I was wrong. Sometimes not. I reread the helpful parts many times and I skim the chapters that don't speak to me so much.
I also got some insight out of
The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene and
The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine N. Aron. The latter of those titles helped me see that some of DS' behavior actually stems from temperamental inclinations that I
do share with him (even though we react to our sensitivities in very different ways), and it isn't all scary stuff from his bio-father. Knowing this has increased my understanding and empathy toward him. It also helped me start to heal from the fear that I was doomed to raising some kind of monster no matter how hard I try to intervene.
Here are some things that helped DS:
-No time outs
-Gradual departure from punitive discipline
-Giving him more power over his daily life (what to eat, when to eat, what to wear, etc.)
-Refraining from criticism or mini-lectures, trusting him to learn his own lessons
-Saying "yes" whenever possible
-Making extra sure to be available to bond in the way he wants (for example, I helped him get dressed for several weeks, even though he already knew how to do it himself. I did this because he wanted the closeness that comes with it. Nelson actually recommends against this, but I think she's wrong. He's now dressing himself again, btw.)
Okay... so those things have helped make him a happier, calmer boy in general. But he's still himself! He still has meltdowns and they're still not pretty.
My approach now is to let him know that I want to talk about whatever's the matter
after he is calm. There is no point in validating, conversing, or even listening much when he has already entered his meltdown. He's not in his right mind at those times and he doesn't mean anything he says. (If he's merely upset, we can talk just fine. Meltdowns are different.)
If he lashes out physically, I tell him that I love him and I won't let him hurt me. If he continues to try, I isolate myself in a room with a lock on the door and I repeat that I won't let him hurt me. We are lucky in that DS does not turn his aggression on himself or on objects or do anything else dangerous to get me to come out. He actually seems relieved that I won't let him do things to me that he would regret. Typically, he will pound at the door and scream at me for a few seconds, then he goes and plays in his room. I leave him to play alone for a while so his body can calm down. When I come out, I ask him if he wants to talk about what happened, or just forget about it. If he asks me to come out sooner, I do.
I think you're right in attributing this sort of behavior to feeling out of control. I know that for my son, control is a very important issue. He likes to feel like he's in control over his own life and, ironically, he will get totally out of control if he feels like he doesn't have enough control to begin with. What I'm starting to see is that I don't need to be afraid to give him a lot of control. It doesn't spoil him or create a tyrant... quite the opposite! The more healthy control and freedom he has, the less he grasps for these things in an unhealthy way.
Another thing that was very helpful for me to realize is that I didn't have to give him the reins on issues where he truly can't handle being in control, or where it greatly inconveniences me to let him do as he pleases. Giving kids more control is not an "all or nothing" thing. For example, he has had sleep issues since birth and would not be able to choose a healthy bedtime for himself. He just can't read his own body's tiredness signals yet. So I decide when bedtime is. But I make up for it by giving him freedom in other areas, so his appetite for control is still satiated.
Anyhow, please don't think I'm implying that you've made all the same mistakes I've made. I just wanted to share what I've been through, in case any of it might be useful to you.
Even though our situations aren't exactly the same, I do know what it's like to deal with extreme behavior and be very worried about it. I really hope it gets better for you and your DD soon!
