[nichsofyanos]

I AM A STAY AT HOME MOMMY OF A FIVE YR OLD GOING TO KINDERGARTEN NEXT MONDAY AND AN ALMOST 3 YR OLD. THEIR DAD WORKS AND WHEN HE GETS HOME HE WANTS TO RELAX BEFORE DEALING WITH THE KIDS....LIKE I HAVENT DONE SO ALREADY 11 HOURS A FREAKING DAY. BUT THEY GO BANANAS WHEN DADDY COMES HOME AND HE IS CONSTANTLY TELLING THEM LEAVE HIM ALONE AND HAVING ME ONCE AGAIN WHEN I NEED A BREAK AS WELL.......TO CONTINUE TO TAKE OVER. BUT THEY CONTINUE TO THROW THE FITS AND ALL WHEN DADDY WALKS IN. WHAT CAN I DO AS THE SAHP CHANGE THE SCHEDULE....HAVE DADDY SEE THAT THE KIDS MISS HIM AND ALL THEY WANT TO DO....IS HAVE DADDY TIME....INSTEAD OF GET OF I NEED TO UNWIND...YET HE DOES SO TILL THEY ARE ASLEEP. WHAT DO I DO. VERY STRESSED OUT MOM. HE ACTS AS THOUGH AS I HAVE NOT ANYTHING. OR GET ON THEM. I DO. HOW CAN I CHANGE OUR ROUTINE TO WHERE HE WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH THE KIDS MORE AND BE ENJOYABLE. PLEASE HELP BEFORE I LOOSE MY MIND.

I DONT WANT TO BE A MEAN MOM WHO SPANKS EITHER. I HATE YELLING OR GETTING ON TO THEM.

 

[Summerland]

I have the same sort of problem. Maybe you could make a deal with him, that he spends time with him when he first gets home and then later he can have time to himself.

 

[Kidzaplenty]

I have found, in my relationship (which was very similar for a long time) that I have to give my DH 20-30 minute when he walks in the door to unwind. If I DON'T give him this time, he is very crabby and unlikeable. If I DO give him this time, he is a completely differnt person.

I would suggest, sitting down and talking to your DH. Offer a good compromise. Perhaps him being "thrust upon" as he enters the door is too much and he is not handling it well. Offer to give him 20 minutes when he walk in and you make sure the chldren leave him alone (hey, it is ONLY 20 minutes, and after a long day, what is 20 minutes more if you get a better husband and father out of it for the evening). Then, in return, he is expected to help out and participate and spend time with the family. After the children are in bed, he could have "me" time if he wants.

It could not hurt to give this a try for a couple of weeks. Remember, though, you have to try to make it work, and you would have to give it a little time to break old habbits.

I know that being a SAHM is very hard and it is a 24/7 job. AND I know that DH gets a "break" every day by going to work. But for me, 20 is a sacrifice that I am willing to make to have a better marriage and happier family.

I find, in MY opinion that too many SAHMs think that just because DH does not have to take care of the children 24/7 he should be expected to take over the second he walks in that door. But, in my experience (and I thought that way for a long time), my marriage is much closer, my house runs much smoother, and my children are much happier just giving him 20 minutes a day.

 

[nichsofyanos]

we tried that for six months. then it got to be where he gave up. and then i dont get the return. and yes i do expect him to chip in and not have three hours to himself. when he comes home i give him 20 minutes. but it is getting to be really tiring. i do expect him when i am gone for an hour or two alone...that he does the dishes if needed or laundry if needed. i do it when hes gone. why should he not do it...cuz he has a job already....my version of family....is we all chip in. not just the mother. we have a job already. and yes he does get a break all day and night. i cant be expected to be the main person. he has to chip in and help too.

 

[chfriend]

Could he stop and take a 20 minute break walking around a park b/f he gets home? Then he could unwind, put on his game face and bring game when he walks in.

I woh and I pep-talk myself in the car so I'm all the way there when I walk in the door because the two year old starts jumping up and down when she sees my car and the 5 year old acts like I never left and just folds me into the game they're playing.

Mine wouldn't be able to wait 20 minutes while I got my act together once they could see me. But if I wasn't home yet, it would just be 20 more minutes I was gone.

 

[Kidzaplenty]

Quote:

Originally Posted by nichsofyanos we tried that for six months. then it got to be where he gave up. and then i dont get the return. and yes i do expect him to chip in and not have three hours to himself. when he comes home i give him 20 minutes. but it is getting to be really tiring. i do expect him when i am gone for an hour or two alone...that he does the dishes if needed or laundry if needed. i do it when hes gone. why should he not do it...cuz he has a job already....my version of family....is we all chip in. not just the mother. we have a job already. and yes he does get a break all day and night. i cant be expected to be the main person. he has to chip in and help too.

Sorry about your situation. I guess I always forget to appreciate how hands on my DH is. He does his own laundry, but will do all the laundry if it looks big or if I ask him to. He will wash dishes, clean the living room, clear the table, play with the children, put the children to bed, and just about anything that I do. He may not do it the same way, but he is willing. I'm gonna have to thank him tonight!

If you have tried the "unwinding" 20 minutes, and your DH has stopped, perhaps there is a deeper problem there. Maybe you two need to sit down and talk. When my DH becomes that way, there is usually some reason and when we sit down and talk, it comes out. If for no other reason, though, you should talk about how YOU feel and how your expectations are not being met. Maybe by opening up to him, he will open up to you and you can work this out.