Despite our horribly tragic experience, I was very surprised by how most everyone was amazing and provided more support than I ever dreamed of.
Good:
We were new to the area without family or friends of any sort, thousands of miles away from anyone we know and trust with our children. The nurses in the triage area of the L&D floor took our kids out (we all had to go to the emergency room together, hubby and kids, because we had no babysitter) and put on cartoons and gave them snacks and watched them while we were given the terrible news.
Once we were taken to a real l&d room (at the very end of the hall where we couldn't hear or see any other families), the hospital sent up a social worker who works solely with the hospital. She set up a playroom in a labor room right next to ours, and gathered snacks, coloring books, movies, bubbles, etc., for our children and babysat them the entire day, including changing diapers, putting our youngest down for a nap, etc. She was amazing and I don't know how we would have dealt with the situation without her help. When her time came to leave, after watching them over 12 hours, she brought in a college girl who babysat them until 4-6 hrs until they were brought into our room where the spent the night.
Every nurse I had while in labor was incredibly supportive, my first nurse, especially. When I got an epidural, she sat in front of me and when I cried and cried and said over and over again that "it wasn't supposed to be like this", she just acknowledged my feelings, and said, "no, it's not". She let me cry, she prayed short, sweet prayers (knowing I was Christian and wanted that)
I was terrified of how the actual delivery was going to go. Having had a homebirth before, I didn't know what to expect from the epidural. I was terrified that my son would be born and I wouldn't even know it. I was scared of how he would look when he came out, scared of what it would feel like, scared of feeling the inevitable loss and death of my son and all the dreams that came and went with him. Every nurse answered my questions, listened to my fears, etc. When I did feel him coming down the birth canal, I began panicking. My husband and the nurses kept looking me in the eyes and reassuring me. When the doctor came in, I panicked again, because I was scared that he was going to mess up the "plan" I had. I didn't want my baby flopping around. I wanted my husband to catch him, just as he'd caught our last son, born at home. The doctor quickly saw how panicked I was, and reassured me that they were all going to do whatever I wanted them to do. My husband caught our baby, protected his arms from "draping" and we both held him and just cried and cried. It was horrific, but beautiful, too, if that makes any sense. Everyone was very respectful of what we wanted.
One of the biggest things that made a huge difference, that I was really surprised about, was how the staff really encouraged us to hold and keep and love on our baby as much and as long as we wanted. I started becoming fearful that they would think it was morbid or gross to hold him as long as we did (I gave birth around 4pm and we kept him with us overnight, never once putting him down, and didn't hand him over until we were ready when the lady from the funeral home came the next day around 2pm). The nurse took pictures of him as he was coming out. We, of course, didn't have a camera with us, but the hospital gave us a decent camera to use. They took lots of pictures and left the camera with us to take as many as we wanted. They came in and did hand and foot prints. They wanted to do hand and foot impressions in one of those heart-shaped plaster things, but I didn't want that.
They also had a blue satin-covered box they brought in that had a tiny hat, gown, blanket, and pillow in it, along with the cards for hand and foot prints, a journal, and a little book of resources and comfort.The clothes were actually too small, but I loved the box to keep his things in.
The staff were all accommodating to everything we needed and wanted.
The next morning after our son was born, we were overwhelmed with what to do about having him cremated, etc. We wanted a place that would carry our son in hand, not in a box or container of any sort. The nurse called around to all the local funeral homes and crematoriums and helped us pick one. The lady from the funeral home came in with a beautiful, thick quilt just for our son. When we were ready, we wrapped him, hat, blankets and all, inside the blanket and handed him over to her. She covered him and walked out. He was cremated in the blanket without being removed from anything.
Our church group, from the state we were in before, sent us a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a card. We didn't get flowers or cards from anyone else, and it was very nice to feel their love from afar. I kept the bouquet and pressed the flowers to save them.
Bad:
The first doctor we saw, the on call OB, was just absolutely horrendous to deal with. Kept calling our baby "the fetus", and when my husband, sobbing and desperate for a way to make things ok, was pleading to find out if we could do an emergency c-section to resuscitate our son, the doctor literally yelled at him, "Sir! The fetus is DEAD!". I, in the middle of dealing with this tragedy, had to correct the doctor and basically remind him to compose himself and act like a professional. He was awful, and was reported.
I later bought the book, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. I bought several books afterwards and and found this one, by far, to be the best. Not only was it a source of comfort, but it was full of all kinds of information and resources I hadn't known about. It has lots of information for parents who are making decisions about labor and delivery, etc., if they have not delivered their baby but know that it is coming soon. I would love it if hospitals had a stack of these to give to parents who've experienced loss. It is great for any stage, early miscarriage, mid pregnancy, or even shortly after birth.
