Mothering Forum banner

1 - 7 of 7 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,541 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We live in a neighborhood with lots of children of various ages. Usually this works out fine. But there's one girl, a few years older than DD who does not like DD to play with her. Unfortunately DD really likes her, so she keeps on trying.<br><br>
What generally happens is said girl, 'Sally', will be playing with something with a group of other kids and DD will try to join in. Everyone else is fine with this but Sally will say 'NO.' At this point Sally's mom will have a little 'chat' with Sally and encourage her to let DD in. Sally's mom and I will show Sally what DD can do- if they are coloring with sidewalk chalk we point out a way DD can help. Or we set up DD with her own chalk nearby. But the second we attend to our other (younger) kids, Sally is trying to get DD away from her, generally by yelling at her.<br><br>
Yesterday, Sally came to me and told me DD kicked her. Because DD did go through a hitting phase- several months ago- I believed her and moved DD away. Later another mother told me she watched the whole thing and DD didn't kick her at all. I realized then that Sally tells me stuff like this virtually everytime DD is outside with her, and that every time I had responded by taking DD far away. And that every time I had been watching more or less all the time and hadn't seen anything, but had believed Sally simply because I have a younger child that distracts me and figured I *might* have been distracted and something *might* have happened.<br><br>
I really want to help protect DD from this kind of thing. She just turned 3 and the older girl is 6 1/2. I know this is normal childhood stuff, but I don't want DD to imitate the behavior later, or always be excluded when this girl is around. This school age behavior is new to me as my kids are younger. I know next time Sally tells me that DD has done something I will make sure I have not been distracted, though I don't know an age-appropriate way to catch her in a lie. I can teach my kid to ask to be included nicely, distract her when the older kids need older time to play on their own, but how do I protect her from the meanness?<br><br>
And I'm wondering if my expectations are off? I tend to think that if kids are playing in a group in a common area (right in front of my house, fwiw) they should learn to tolerate one another, and if they want privacy they should go to a less common area. The older kids are allowed to play indoors by themselves, so they can get away from the younger kids if they want. Since this is happening in my front yard more or less, I don't think the solution is for us to stay away.<br><br>
And I love this girl's parents. They do address everything they witness and are very attentive, responsive parents (and awesome neighbors) so I don't want to address it in a way that creates conflict.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,541 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I may not have been clear what I'm looking for... I know this is typical age appropriate stuff. I'm looking for a way to interact with the older girl that models for my daughter how to deal with these things so she can eventually do it herself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
915 Posts
I really don't have an answer, but I will be watching this thread too. The same thing happens to my daughter, but it happens a lot more often because my daughter has a disability. The other kids don't want to "deal with it" and they leave her out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,371 Posts
argh. I'll be watching this thread too. We are going through a similar situation with dd4. It makes me feel so sad for her<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I too know that some of this is normal, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't suck. They're very young and they starting form their ideas about how this social thing works, not to mention forming their self image. Lately I've been surprised at how rude some children can be. I must have forgot what it was like when I was younger.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,541 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
And DD is in such a bad mood after being treated like this, so I know it upsets her. I hope someone has some suggestions. My only consolation is that it is getting cold and we're not outside as much.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
343 Posts
Hi there.<br><br>
I don't have personal experience with this, so I am admittedly a little out of my depth here...but it sounds as though you really respect and care for "Sally"'s parents, and you sound like a very reasonable and tactful person. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
Perhaps you could seek ideas/answers from them, kind of framing the discussion in a "what to do when my littler kid bugs your older kid" sort of way, though I get that that is not quite the situation--I'm suggesting just phrasing it this way for openers, IFYWIM.<br><br>
Also, my two cents is you are completely justified in hoping that the kids will be able to tolerate one another. It sounds as though most of them can do so--it's "Sally"'s issue.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,514 Posts
Since they are playing in a public space, I wonder if you can approach it from that angle. A simple, "Everyone is allowed to play here" when Sally tries to exclude your daughter. And then rinse and repeat. That's a handy phrase your daughter might pick up on and be able to use herself.<br><br>
My DS has tried to exclude other children at the playground (playing with a friend on the equipment and saying "go away, this is our place" to other unknown children) and my firm stance to him is that eveyone is allowed to use the equipment at a public park. If he is unwilling to share, I make it clear we will have to leave. Perhaps Sally's parents would be willing to take a similiar stance with Sally and tell her that if she attempts to exclude other children from the public play space she will need to go inside.<br><br>
Trying to force kids to play "together" would be tricky, but I do think it is appropriate and reasonable to expect them to share public spaces politely.<br><br>
Catherine
 
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
Top