[StephandOwen]

I'll put a disclaimer right now saying I'm bitter at the moment and just need to get it off my chest somewhere where people understand. I hope that is here.<br><br>
My DS is 8 months. When he was born me and ex lived together (had been living together for 1 month). The night Owen and I came home from the hospital his *dad* smoked a joint in the bathroom across from the nursery (we lived in a pretty small apartment). That was the beginning of the end. It went on like this (me taking Owen at 7 am to my mom's house to watch my little sister all day, coming home around 5 to the ass smoking marijuana). He never helped. Ever. A couple weeks after he was born I packed up Owen and left. I told ass if he wanted us back he needed to quit for good. He swore he did and, silly me, I came back. Before long I saw and smelled the *evidence* that he indeed had not quit. On the night after Thanksgiving ass told me I can't make him quit and he'll smoke pot whenever and wherever he wants to- including around our son. The next morning I woke up bright and early and started hauling stuff away. Within hours, and with the help of my dad and brother, Owen and I were completely out of there and living with my dad.<br><br>
Months with by with no/minimal contact (or child support). I let him see Owen everytime he asked, which was very rare. Fast forward to a couple months ago when ass moves in with his mom. Being the controlling b*tch she is she managed to convince ass to go after visitation so SHE could have it (note- ass doesn't want visitation, he's doing it to please his mom). 2 weeks ago we ended up in court. I had an excellant lawyer but I still *lost* in a way. Ass did end up getting visitation BUT the judge agreed to most of my terms- he has Owen for 3 days a week, 1 hour a day, for 3 weeks. If he can do this it moves to 3 days a week, 2 hours a day, for 3 weeks. If that's done it moves to 2 days a week, 4 hours a day, for 6 weeks. Provided he does that it moves to 1 day and 1 overnight a week. He CAN NOT take Owen to his house- he must remain in a public spot and he has to let me know where he is. (This was all due to Owen's breathing problems and the fact that there are 5 smokers living in ass's parents house). He can't do drugs or alcohol for 8 hours before visits (riiiiight..... drugs are illegal anyway and he's not 21 so he shouldn't be doing either. Period.). Before he gets those overnight visits *I* get to do a home inspection with my lawyer. If I don't agree with the living conditions I can go back to the Judge and tell him so.<br><br>
So anyway, Friday ass had a visit- with me there (my lawyer suggested it since Owen and ass haven't seen each other for almost 2 weeks and Owen doesn't like ass). The visit was to be 1 hour long and I sat at the way other end of the park so as not to interferre. 43 minutes after visit starts ass hands Owen over to me and leaves. Sunday he has visit again. Only this time he tricks me into bringing Owen to the park again by saying he has a carseat he wishes for me to install. I agree. When I get there there is no car seat. He tricked me so that he could still get the visit (no car seat equals no visit since it's obviously illegal for an infant to travel without one). Owen screames for most of the visit and ass just leaves him laying on the ground. Doesn't pick him up, comfort him, nothing. Finally ass's mom (who is at every visit and is the main person who has Owen during these visits) gave Owen back to me to calm him down (there's only so many screams of *mama* one can take. Apparently ass didn't even care that Owen was screaming so much he was *thisclose* to puking). Ass eventually leaves but not before making Owen scream again.<br><br>
Fast forward to tomrrow- Ass has Owen alone tomorrow for an hour. Ass knows nothing about parenting. Ass can't even feed Owen (breastfed and doesn't take bottles or sippies). Ass doesn't give a d*mn about Owen. Yup, this visit will be going well. Ass called about 1/2 hour ago asking to change his visitation because his mom won't be able to make it tomorrow. I refused as Ass is the one who has visits- not his mother. If he can't handle Owen for an hour (he can't) then he shouldn't have him. BTW, I will be checking up on Owen and taking a camera to get proof Ass isn't doing a good job. I will be bringing this back to court once I have enough *proof*.<br><br>
But the thing that pisses me off the most is that all my hard work to make sure my precious boy knows he's loved and will always be well cared for and protected is being thrown out the window while the ass sits around torturing him.<br><br>
Stephanie <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/rant.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rant">:

 

[Jane]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> You're doing great! You've got let him fail at this and the only way to do it is how you are doing it: going with the letter of the agreement and being "nice". Here's to hoping he fails quickly.<br><br>
PS What a jerk

 

[ktmama]

Stephanie - hang in there honey. He does need the opportunity to fail. Please make sure you are documenting EVERYTHING - either in writing or with a video camera. Why not bring one on these visits? Hmmmm.....why didn't I think of that long ago? Anyway, the notes you take will provide a trail of evidence on his "fitness" as a parent. Good luck.

 

[Patchy Dragon]

{{{HUGS}}}<br><br>
Diffinitely take good notes, photos, etc of his visits. Did he pass a drug test before the judge granted him these visitation rights??? Just seems odd, KWIM?

 

[Soul-O]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I agree with the others mama - keep that camera on hand for every visit, and as hard as it is, let the ex fail because he's already digging himself a very deep hole. I have to let my ex fail with my kids several times a week, so I can definitely relate to your story.<br><br>
I will keep you and Owen in my thoughts and prayers. Sounds like you are a fantastic mama - keep up the good work, and keep your chin up.

 

[AllyRae]

Ugh...I'm sorry Steph. I wish ass would just disappear (I've actually never seen you use that word so many times in one post). His visits are across from the police station...can you call them and have them check up on him? And if Owen is screaming on the ground, they can end the visit? Sounds a little extreme, but maybe it'd work (especially since I'm sure most of the cops know you because they're friends' dads). Give a huge hug and kiss to that sweet little nephew of mine! I'll see you guys soon! I'll be thinking of you two tomorrow.... Ten bucks says ass won't show up if his mommy can't come...then you can go right back to the lawyer and say he hasn't fulfilled his last 3 visits...

 

[StephandOwen]

Thanks for all the replies. Yes, I have been and continue to document everything. I will be taking my digital camera tomorrow but unfortunatly our video camera is dead. My digital isn't that good (from far away) but it'll have to work. My dad also plans on taking a bike ride through the park during ass's visit <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
Patchy Dragon- nope, he didn't have to take any drug test before getting visitation. I asked but the Judge said he wasn't going to order it at this time and *if* I feel he's getting high before picking Owen up then he'll re-evaluate it. So basically wait until after he hurts my son. Great. Ass sat there and lied out of his ass to the Judge swearing up and down he doesn't do drugs anymore. Although I'm not certain he wasn't stoned at the time. He sounded like it but I refused to even look at him. I could have killed him for all the lies he told that Judge. Fortunatly the Judge didn't seem to buy most of them (when he told the Judge he was taking parenting classes but then couldn't answer what the program was called, who was running/teaching it, or even where it was I think the Judge realized he's not the most reliable person).<br><br>
Ally- I don't know. Never really thought of it. But if he is just letting him scream on the ground I will try to get the police involved. I'm not sure what, if anything, they would do but it's worth a try. My lawyers office is just a few doors down so it won't be hard to get her too (if she's not in court). I don't know. If only I had called the police back when I was living in the apartment and turned him and his drugs in. I might not be dealing with this. Argh. Hindsight is 20/20 <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:

 

[mocha09]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I don't get that if visits need to be in public, and he can't go to the house full of smoke, why this is set up so that eventually his dad would get an overnight? Perhaps the judge is expecting him to fail?<br><br>
Well, hugs to you. I think that you're doing everything humanly possible to ensure that your ds remains safe. He's lucky to have you.

 

[StephandOwen]

I think the Judge is trying to give ass a chance to provide a good environment. It obviously can't be done overnight but Ass claims his house is smoke free. Which is BS and I have proof (emails from his mom talking about it) to prove that yes, Ass's father lit up in front of Owen back in April (I think, which is when I started refusing to bring him over there and made him meet us in a public place). So the overnights are there IF he can prove he's a good father and IF he can prove his house is smoke and drug free.<br><br>
And I will add that the Judge is the father of one of my friends and knows Ass (his son used to hang out with him) and KNOWS that Ass is into drugs and alcohol. So it didn't take much on my part to convince him of that <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">

 

[Dechen]

Steph - <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wave.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wave"><br><br>
Nice to see you here.<br><br>
Honestly, this makes me so mad I could kick ass in his, well, ass. I hate that this is happening to you and that wonderful little boy.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Cuss.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="cuss"><br><br><br><br>
- Andrie

 

[StephandOwen]

Hey Andrie! I knew there were a couple people around here I knew but didn't know where ya'll were! LOL! Ally told me about this site so I came to gain some knowledge <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">:<br><br>
------<br><br>
The visit today went okay. He picked Owen up at 10 and brought him to the park. I followed shortly after (taking my almost 2 year old sister that I watch during the day for a walk). My dad and 8 year old sister were also in the park. Didn't give Ass many chances to screw up <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> I did stay where Owen couldn't see me because I didn't want to be the reason he cried. BUT, as far as I know he didn't cry at all. Ass brought him back to me at 10:53 (which meant I had to RUN home to make it before he did. And it was uphill too <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Bolt.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bolt"> ). Anyway, he didn't come alone, as I predicted. He brought his sister since his mom couldn't make it. He has Owen again Friday from 10-11 <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:

 

[comet]

First off, I do like your nicname for him. Catchy<br><br>
The only thing I cna think to add is don't help him out. Don't reschedule any visits, don't help him install the carseat, don't take Owen from him if he's crying. It may kill you, but do it, the sooner he realizes this is hard, the sooner he will disappear. Yeah, taking pictures is good, might as well see about taping conversations (see if it's legal in your state, it is legal in mine). And don't mention anythign to him about him needing diapers, needing a bed for Owen, etc. Don't ever bring up the carseat topic, in fact. Let him *ask* for unsupervised, then point out why you can't allow it. String it out. But absolutely don't help him.<br><br>
You know, he already violated his visitation agreement when he handed Owen over at the 45 min mark of one visit. That's really all you need to either reset his clock, or just jam up the works for him. He has to be perfect during that period to proceed to the next level. Well, not quite perfect, but don't do him any favors and things should go easier for you and Owen.<br><br>
I'd push harder on the drugs thing. I've been told over and over again if only my x did drugs, then I could restrict his visitation even more.<br><br>
Good luck!

 

[StephandOwen]

Thanks for the reply. I hope you don't mind me copying and pasting but it's getting late....<br><br>
"Don't reschedule any visits, don't help him install the carseat, don't take Owen from him if he's crying."<br><br>
I don't reschedule any (he wanted to change todays from 11:30-12:30 and even told me it's because his MOM couldn't make it at 10). I refused to change it. I have never taken Owen from him when he's crying. It breaks my heart to hear him screaming my name but I knew I couldn't do anything (he would end up telling the judge I was interferring and not giving him a chance or some other BS). I did, however, install the carseat this morning. That is one thing I had to do, knowing if I didn't he would drive off with my precious baby in a crappy installed carseat. And if he had gotten in an accident and Owen was hurt I would never have been able to forgive myself.<br><br>
"And don't mention anythign to him about him needing diapers, needing a bed for Owen, etc."<br><br>
Ass's mom already went out and bought the car seat, diapers, wipes, sippy cup, ect. Ass had nothing to do with it and wasn't even there when she was buying them. Yeah, shows how involved he is <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> I will be fighting the overnights. He's scheduled to get them shortly after Owen's first birthday (if he doesn't screw up before then) but I know Owen won't be able to handle that (he nurses to sleep every night- has since he was born- and several times during the night). He definatly still needs me at night and it would be cruel to take him away (though I know it's still a possibility <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"> )<br><br>
"You know, he already violated his visitation agreement when he handed Owen over at the 45 min mark of one visit. That's really all you need to either reset his clock, or just jam up the works for him."<br><br>
EXACTLY! As soon as this 3 weeks is up he's going to expect to move to the next level (3 days a week, 2 hours a day, for 3 weeks). But that'll happen over my dead body. If he can't keep him for a full 1 hour what makes him think he can keep him for 2??<br><br>
"I'd push harder on the drugs thing. I've been told over and over again if only my x did drugs, then I could restrict his visitation even more."<br><br>
I don't know what else I can do about this. He claims he doesn't do them anymore and I have no real proof he does. I've been told I'm darn lucky his visits are restricted as much as they are (as opposed to the Judge not caring about Owen being nursed, the drugs, smoke, ect and giving Ass Owen for every other weekend or whatever). Next time this goes to court though (probably in a couple weeks when I try and get him from moving to the next level) I'll push for the drug testing again, but I don't know if he will. I'm just waiting for the day he gets caught by the police. Then I don't have to worry about that anymore.

 

[mammastar]

Do you think he has drugs in his house? If so, can you provide an anonymous tip to the police?

 

[magnoliablue]

I am new to your thread, mama, but I want to tell you that you are doing an awesome job as a mama looking out for your little guy. All will work out in the end, keep looking out for your son's needs first and foremost, and do not let your ex call any of the shots.. by the way, I call my ex Ass also. We must number all the ex's methinks..Ass#1, Ass#2.. I know my fellow mamas on here have a few asses to add to the numerical list. Peace, mama and good luck to you and your son.

 

[karlin]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/oops.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="oops">T<br><br>
Hiya Steph....I didn't know so many of us were here too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I have been thinking about your situation a lot. I met a mom yesterday who went through the exact same thing with her ex bf ....her Ex's sister had a baby, and they did stop calling as often....about once a month or less. Maybe you'll get lucky too.

 

[Junitune]

Hi Steph,<br><br>
You're doing great! Give 'em enough rope..........! Seriously, if he can't handle him for an hour, it will only get worse. I agree, don't cut him any slack. Follow the order to the T which puts him on notice that parenting is a 'responsibility', not a 'right'. He'll get tired of the responsibility soon enough. Even though it sucks to know your baby is crying, better now than when ass gets him for longer periods of time because you made it easy on him.<br><br>
Guys like him seem to be able to follow a court order for a very short period of time until the fight is over. Once his family gets sick of picking up the slack and he realizes you aren't going to play games with him anymore, he'll fade away. We can only hope its sooner rather than later! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumbsup.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbsup">