Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 193 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,027 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Had a talk with my lawyer today. He has prepared a response to xh's lawyer that is hopefully going to effectively stall and delay us to October, at which time he is hoping to schedule a family case conference (with judge in chambers, but unlike a hearing no orders can be imposed, as the goal is to settle by way of consent order).

Figure I probably need my own thread so I don't dominate the rant thread too much!

My lawyer has a really good grasp on xh and sees him as seeming to desire conflict and engagement with me, and said it will be important to have orders that minimize contact and are very specific with no room for interpretation. He wants to avoid a trial and extensive litigation as he feels that is the most harmful thing for kids in divorce. Best case: we settle in case conference and I pay the hourly rate, moderate case scenario: hearings and affidavit evidence maybe $10k, and worse case a full trial that would take 3-5 days with witnesses and cost $30-50k.

It's all "ugh" to me, but I am so grateful for a lawyer who grasps strategy. He is taking control of the process by suggesting a consent order to schedule a case conference in October. This would effectively prevent xh from making a court application prior to then.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,886 Posts
Good luck! It sounds like your attorney has a very good understanding of your ex.
 
  • Like
Reactions: alpenglow

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,027 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I agree, almost like paying for therapy!

Once target has healed and moved on, abusers have their most power by trying to control through the legal system, so it is so so so critical, IME, to have one who has a solid grasp on personality disorder games in order to have a good strategy to stay a step ahead. This guy could write a book on it, IMO. But I have never seen him in action in court. But I have a feeling he is respected. He's a good man
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,293 Posts
A good lawyer with strategy skills is so important. These ex's need to have a negative interaction with the courts so they don't get rewarded and conditioned to seek out the repetitive court drama.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,051 Posts
I hope you get that stall! Your xh has no life. What a disaster of a life to be so focused on hurting someone! I'm sorry it's still on going for you!! xoxoxo
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,027 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 · (Edited)
Well it looks like October would be the earliest possible hearing date. Our courts have a family court day about once a month.

From xh,
"If you are not willing to respectfully and seamlessly change our custody schedule for September then I would like to plan to attend our ______ manager's conference from Sept ___ to___"
.....The only family court day in Sept, he will be absent, on taxpayer paid party leave. Woohoo, one little delay to celebrate.

So far no application filed yet to my knowledge. My lawyer was supposed to have talked to xh's lawyer this past week, but I don't know what happened.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,027 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
He sent me a rotten horrible mean email....marked without prejudice. He is going to try to claim it is protected because we are in settlement negotiations. But in my mind we aren't. He may get away with it, just like some of the other nasties. He sucks
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,345 Posts
I'm pretty sure it's only actual offers that are protected in such an email, not regular chatter - so if he's saying mean horrible things, those can still be brought to court with the other lines blacked out. At least that's my understanding of how it works in my area. May be different in yours. But still, his assertions are so beyond ridiculous, and any emails you or your attorney send back to him - those you are allowed to use in court regardless of your own use of "without prejudice", since they are your words. That's how I thought it worked, anyway. Regardless, he will put on such a ridiculous show again in settlement conferences, and if he forces you to go to trial, again, he will probably do an even better job of making himself look asinine and childish in front of a judge.

Did I mention Xh's appeal is finally moving forward? The court finally finished the transcripts for the last 3 hearings, and Xh will have to order copies for me and the judge(s). I am so so so excited just to read the transcript of the trial. Hehe. I'm expecting many giggles - really hope they'll be accurate. Eeek.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,027 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
What a crazy turn of events for you!

These abusive emails from xh pretending to be discussing settlement offers, without prejudice, are probably a good reminder for me that once he is "hidden" he feels entitled to say whatever mean thing he can to me - proof we need strict orders to communicate by email.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,345 Posts
Yes, not having to worry about court EVER AGAIN is an amazing feeling. But I still want a copy of the transcript!! Wonder if the court will mail them out anyway? I'll call the clerk's office and see if I can get a copy simply for posterity. :)

And yeah, you can't ever relax your boundaries with your Xh. I think I learned that at a much younger age and I can't remember how I did, but every inch you give is an invitation for them to take a mile.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,027 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
In case anyone was wondering....still radio silence from the lawyers. I think I'm going to get my way and not have to "review" the orders prior to the fall 2016 review date. Well actually, it's not getting my way; it's following the orders.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,561 Posts
He's just thinking you HAVE to give him 50/50, not because of the girls but because he deserves it. And he wants to punish you by being able to reduce child support because he resents giving you anything after you "betrayed" him by holding him accountable to his actions.

He's not going to learn anything, because he rewrites everything in his head.

You however are learning to manage him and not play the games he's attempting to start!! You are doing so great.

I think he could only have got it to court early if you had agreed. But you didn't fall for his games!!

You are AWSOME!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,027 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
My lawyer called today! He says he finally got to talk to the other lawyer and they agreed to the order to schedule a settlement conference with a judge, likely in October. In the meantime we are hoping to settle some of the more minor issues so the conference (in judge chambers) can be more efficient, given we only have an hour. The only orders that can be made there are by consent. So it's almost like "insta-mediation".

He also reviewed xh's emails and said its good that xh is agreeing in principal to all these extracurriculars and may have a hard time explaining why he shouldn't pay! And he also said that without prejudice is not intended to allow a party to be abusive. He wants our communication restrictions firmer to try to eliminate that crap. He kind of laughed when he mentioned some of them and couldn't see what I had done wrong.

Xh has been super civil in emails ever since. I bet his lawyer cautioned him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,027 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I'm awake at 4 am after only 6 hours sleep, woken up by a nightmare where I ended up in a crowd of people, mostly unknown, some from the church I've attended, being attacked by a pack of wolves. I grabbed a meagre stick to try to go after one that had another man down, but I was weak and it more angered this wolf, which by this point had turned into a human. We were in the farmyard of my brother's farm (where I grew up). My kids were not seeming to be part of this dream, and I don't recall that anyone familiar to me was in this crowd of people I found myself in.

Weird how I could have ran and hid, but didn't. I was weak but still chose to fight.
But my kids and family were no where to be seen.

I am so disturbed by this dream. I guess I am feeling vulnerable, far away from my extended family. Maybe that lawyer call triggered something. I had lots of nightmares once I had to face the music and start legal proceedings in Jan 2013. And nightmares of xh coming into the home...that were so real that I got up to check that dd1 was still in her room. In the dream tonight, I didn't seem afraid to fight, yet I was weak and uncoordinated. Then I woke up.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,186 Posts
I agree. You now just have to work on building up your strength (your support system?).
 
  • Like
Reactions: alpenglow

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,345 Posts
Haha, yeah, AG, sounds like even if your situation appears bleak, you've learned not to back down. Your Xh is so ridiculous, it's going to be AWESOME to have a judge there to witness your attempts to work out an agreement. Haha. Maybe that will make Xh behave...maybe not! Maybe he'll try really hard, and just won't be able to help himself.

That is an excellent point - that he agrees to specific extracurriculars in principle - and does he ? Or is he saying "You can sign them up for whatever you want if you'll pay for it without bothering me?" Maybe you could try to get him to agree to a set $$ maximum per child per year toward extracurriculars of which you both agree to pay for half, then over that amount, whichever parent signs the children up is responsible to fund it. That way neither of you can extort the other continuously - because two can play at that game if he gets it into his head.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,027 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
We have a court date for a settlement conference a month from now.

Crap. It's real now. I am thinking I need to practice not explaining, and just practice some key phrases and mantras to go back to and help me focus.

The first one that comes to mind is: "That makes no sense. Why would we impose this change of routine on the kids for no measurable benefit?"

You work until 4:30. I am off at 2 pm and available every day for their 3/week afterschool gymnastics classes, medical/dental appointments, play dates. It makes no sense, nor would the kids be happy about having to go to a 3rd party instead of getting to be WITH a parent"

Basically I will be standing my ground on keeping everything as is, and the only thing I would concede on is the holiday schedule, and at the last minute changing Wed dinner to an overnight. No way will I ever agree to anything that has me not being the one to pick them up at school. No way would xh ever share info with me, once he has no accountability and nothing to lose by being an ass.
 
1 - 20 of 193 Posts
Top