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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I know I should stop obsessing on my stbx's behaviors
but it's hard, especially since I can't find a job, and so leaving him seems so far off....

Last month, my dad bought plane tickets for me and the dc to come visit him. I had been putting off telling stbx, because I knew it wouldn't go well, and I didn't want to deal.

So, I (finally) said, in a neutral tone, that Dad had gotten the tix. Stbx looked mildly surprised, and then said, "So, am I invited to come?"

I was like
I'm thinking, We're getting DIVORCED, wth would we go on a family trip? I said, "Well, Dad didn't offer to get you a ticket," hoping he'd drop it.

Then he asks, what if he bought his own ticket?
Now I'm thinking, Don't you think that you've blown enough money?

I say, "As fond as Dad may be of you, he's not very happy how you've treated our family finances. You're not invited. And I am not happy that last year, you let Dad pay most of our expenses when we went to visit him. You knew that the reason we couldn't afford the visit was because you had blown our money, yet you let my retired, limited income father pay for us. What was your thought process-- WHAT was going through your head when you made that choice?!"

His answer-- "I don't think I can answer that."


He has also made no effort to change, anything, though he insists, if pressed, that he doesn't want to get divorced.

I don't even want to work it out, at this point, but I do want to deal with him successfully as we separate and raise our dc. Anyone got strategies for dealing with this kind of person?
 

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i can't really offer advice, but mayb he wants to come on the trip because he wants another chance.
 

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I wouldn't pin his disinvitation on your dad - you are the one who is divorcing him, and you are the one who doesn't want him there. Perhaps indeed your father has his own feelings about it, and certainly he paid for the tickets and chose not to include your stbx, yet it's still your decision that your stbx is not going. Not ragging on ya, but I think it's an important distinction to make, especially since it can send mixed messages to say that your dad didn't want him there but not make it clear that in fact it was you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mimi View Post
i can't really offer advice, but mayb he wants to come on the trip because he wants another chance.
Maybe, but he could be having another chance at any given moment, and he doesn't take it. For example, he took this week off from work. Didn't consult with me beforehand. Didn't make plans to spend time with me or the kids. In fact, he still spends most of his time in his office. I'm not sure the 4 year old even understands that his father is off this week. This week, he made potato salad and a pie, and has done several (maybe 6) hours of yardwork.

It could have been the perfect opportunity to try again, but no.

FWIW, it's not just because we're divorcing-- he's done the week-off-without-the-family thing before.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
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Originally Posted by laohaire View Post
I wouldn't pin his disinvitation on your dad - you are the one who is divorcing him, and you are the one who doesn't want him there. Perhaps indeed your father has his own feelings about it, and certainly he paid for the tickets and chose not to include your stbx, yet it's still your decision that your stbx is not going. Not ragging on ya, but I think it's an important distinction to make, especially since it can send mixed messages to say that your dad didn't want him there but not make it clear that in fact it was you.
I did make it clear that I didn't want him there, but I wanted him to know that Dad didn't invite him. I can't fathom why stbx would even want to go, but he doesn't seem to think. He honestly seemed surprised when I said Dad was displeased about the money.
 

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Are you still living together? I think it would be hard to not feel "part of the family" if you are still living together. If you're not, then who cares how much he does around the house? I have never been through this, but I do think that if resolution is not going to happen, then he needs to live in his own place. That way, the stuff that aggravates you daily won't be their. He won't see the kids as much, he would have to make an effort for that, but maybe the quality of time will improve if he doesn't expect to see them all the time.

I don't know. . .Hugs to you. Enjoy your trip.

Amy
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
We are still living together, and day-to-day, things are civil. He acts like he always has, and I don't say a word.

I guess I just wanted to tell somebody. I shouldn't be whining. I'll keep it to myself.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by darien View Post
We are still living together, and day-to-day, things are civil. He acts like he always has, and I don't say a word.

I guess I just wanted to tell somebody. I shouldn't be whining. I'll keep it to myself.
No, I completely understand.

Remember that "why buy the cow when you get the milk free?" Some people approach separation/divorce that way, as if they can pick and choose what to keep of a marriage and just not do the parts that aren't fun for them anymore. That can work if both parties are in agreement.

(Just as a "for instance," one of the problems in my marriage was sexual abuse. One of the things my ex said more than once after we split was, "I don't understand why we can't just keep scratching that itch for each other." Um, because *I* don't want to!)
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by darien View Post
We are still living together, and day-to-day, things are civil. He acts like he always has, and I don't say a word.

I guess I just wanted to tell somebody. I shouldn't be whining. I'll keep it to myself.
I get it! I really do. We're amicable. Living together. STBX is alternating between trying to do all the right things (it's too late) and calling me at work mopey and depressed and telling me he'll be homeless. [edit: it said "we'll", I meant "he'll"]

He still wants to visit family, and I'm not really in the mood to deal with that. It's weird to me also. But I guess once my head got out of the marriage, I kind of want to reclaim my family for ME. I'm surprised he wants to go visit them but I'm guessing it's like the PP said about wanting to still be part of our family.

Sometimes you play the civil grown-up for so long, you just need to have a little whine to keep sane.
The couple of my friends that I've told keep trying to offer me helpful advice when I whine a little. *sigh* But oh well. A year from now, this will be in the past.
 

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He may indeed have a screw loose; that really sounds like something my hubby wouldn't "get" either, and in his case it's because he would see it as an opportunity for "easy" entertainment. . . . he just wouldn't process that maybe people that have always been friendly to him wouldn't want to have him hanging around after he had been repeatedly hurtful and dumb. Throw in really inconsiderate behavior (Honey, I know you are putting the babies to bed and everything in the kitchen is in the same place since we moved in three years ago and there are leftovers in the fridge, but can you get up and make me a sandwich?) and self-esteem issues (No one likes me because I'm worthless. Me looking at them like they are speaking Greek when they try to engage me in conversation has nothing to do with it! I'm a horrible person!) and you have my husband.
 

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My ex would say something like that purely to push my buttons. And after I'd jump all over him for being ridiculous, who looks more ridiculous, me or him?
 
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