He's So Irresponsible! And Rude... New info at end of OP.

BabyMae09 · Dec 16, 2010

DH is driving me crazy. He forgets things constantly, for example, the one major child-care thing he does is taking DS to school each morning. I can tell him over and over again that our DS needs to wear a clean shirt to school each day and it still doesn't happen every time.
 
Sometimes he just doesn't think - for example, I donated some stuff to the local low-income Christmas store, so they gave us some vouchers to shop there. DH was supposed to go there right after work so he could shop for me. Well, he didn't think about needing to be there by 'a certain time' and so not only did he not get me anything, but we lost the vouchers, which I could have used to get the kids some things. And then he was all defensive about not doing it. That's one of many, many examples.
 
He doesn't pay attention to time at all - which has more implications than I can name here.
 
I've told him over and over that he and I need to spend more time together, and it just doesn't happen.
 
Last night, he came home from a guy's night about an hour later than he said he would, and then started to yell at me because I didn't do any dishes or fold any clothes yesterday. I don't really clean much, it's true. He knew that when he married me. I would much rather be providing good care to our kids than have a spotless home. DD, 18 months, is a handful - she needs me constantly. I literally never get more than 5 minutes to myself. If I ever try to go downstairs just to rotate the laundry, she screams for me until I come back up. I can't take her down there because the laundry room has all kinds of things I don't want her getting into.
 
He doesn't know my cell phone number. We 'share' a phone (I usually have it because I'm with the kids and he's at work all day) and until about two days ago, he had no clue what my phone number was. His BOSS made it write it down and post it so he'd know what it was.
 
He makes a paltry wage - we are way below the poverty line. Our deal was that I was going to stay home with the kids, and he'd work. Don't try to talk me into getting a job - it can't happen for many more reasons than I have time or space for here. I'm fine with being poor - people generally have too much stuff anyway, and I'm not into that. Anyway, he refuses to find a way to bring home more money, so we've had to accept two roommates. Which is fine for him - he never sees them!!
 
But I handle the bills, so CLEARLY the reason we never have money is because I bought myself a pair of new pajama pants this week. I also do all the household and grocery shopping, 90% of the stuff related to the kids, and on and on.
 
I even do our car maintenance! Basically all he does is work 35 hours a week for $12 an hour, come home, do a few dishes or a load of laundry, and then yell at me because I'm not doing enough.
 
Last night his exact words were 'I'm surprised we've made it this long' - meaning as a couple. We have no goals or dreams in common, he thinks I'm stupid for believing in spiritual things, and he doesn't understand a damn word I say. I can explain my feelings over and over again and all I get is a blank (or disbelieving) stare.
 
I swear sometimes I think he's a very poorly programmed robot. It very often seems that he has no feelings, he laughs at odd times, and so on.
 
Last night he even told me that the reason he's not doing the brewery with his brother isn't because his brother kicked him out (which he did, but apparently DH still hasn't absorbed that little fact!) but because he has a family now (meaning us!!!)! He's been telling people that - he can't do it because he has a wife and kids! It's our fault! WTH?
 
Last night he says that I don't do anything all day; that our DD needs me so much because I must be staring at my computer all day. He was slamming dishes around. When he dropped his glass of wine on the floor and shattered it, he grabber the towel from the fridge and nearly hit me in the face with it. When I told him that he sneered 'oh, it's just a towel! It's not like it would have hurt!' Then a few minutes later when he was really being loud and I knew the kids could hear him, I touched his chin to get him to look at me (gently) and he grabbed my arm really hard. I was scared for a minute.
 
He went on like that for a while. The whole thing that set him off was finding out that two of his friends (neither of whom have kids!!!) have wives who do dishes. UGH. He said he realized that his life is 'just so different from everyone else's.' UGH!
 
He is pretty good with our kids, although it seems every time I leave our DD with him I come back and she has a new bump or scrape of some sort.
 
Anyway. Thanks in advance for any replies. I guess I'm trying to figure out what I should do next.
 
Edit: Okay, so I do a ton - I take care of all the errands, getting the kids where they need to be, make a from-scratch dinner every single night, do the shopping, car stuff, bills, everything besides bringing in money. He does a load of dishes now and again, and his OWN laundry.

MissLotus · Dec 16, 2010

He gets a guy's night out but gets angry because you're not doing enough chores at home while he's out having fun?
 
Anyway, on to the bigger picture: Why are you with him? That does not sound like much of a partner.

~Charlie's~Angel~ · Dec 16, 2010

Agreed. Lots of deal-breakers in OPs post. 

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by MissLotus <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285799/he-s-so-irresponsible-and-rude-long-sorry#post_16120434"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a> He gets a guy's night out but gets angry because you're not doing enough chores at home while he's out having fun?
 
Anyway, on to the bigger picture: Why are you with him? That does not sound like much of a partner.
</div>
</div>

purslaine · Dec 16, 2010

The money and division of labour is hard.
 
On the money thing: it would be nice if he made more, but he doesn't, and that is sort of that. You could talk to him about long term plans to increase earning, but it is not going to happen overnight. In the mean time because you two agreed to live in poverty so you could be a SAHM, I think you should suck it up.
 
Division of labour is also difficult. Unless he has no commute, all he is going to be able to do is a load or two of dishes, work and watch the kids. He should not yell at you, though, over your lack of housework. He knew you were like this when he married you and 18 month olds are hard. They really do need to be followed around. He needs to accept the house is not going to be clean. I think you should do housework as you can during the day (and with reasonable breaks) and then you should both be doing housework equally when he is home. 
 
I am distressed about the towel and arm thing. I almost hope the arm thing leaves a bruise so you can show him that he hurt you. He should be horrified and apologetic. I hope this was some very weird one-off.

TinkerBelle · Dec 16, 2010

I mean this in a gentle way, but you cannot have it all your way, sometimes.
 
If you are that hard-up for money and he will NOT do more to make more, and you don't like it, I am sorry, but you might just have to get a job too. At least part time, on weekends or whatever, when he is home.
 
Perhaps he would do more to make extra money if you would be willing to take over more chores at home?
 
However, him yelling and grabbing you is not acceptable at all. I would not take that lying down.

texmati · Dec 16, 2010

At first I was going to mention that not remember phone numbers and being on time were things that I would hope my partner would forgive me for. I still can't remember his work number-- I'm speed dial dependant.
 
But the rest of the post-- it sounds like you are scared of him! that's no way to live, mama.

~PurityLake~ · Dec 16, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by BabyMae09 <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285799/he-s-so-irresponsible-and-rude-new-info-at-end-of-op#post_16119945"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> He is pretty good with our kids, although it seems every time I leave our DD with him I come back and she has a new bump or scrape of some sort.
 
 
</div>
</div>
 Can you get a nanny cam of some sort to record what is happening when he's home alone with your daughter to find out if he is abusing or neglecting her in your absence?

Alyantavid · Dec 16, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by ~PurityLake~ <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285799/he-s-so-irresponsible-and-rude-new-info-at-end-of-op#post_16121254"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a> <div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by BabyMae09 <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285799/he-s-so-irresponsible-and-rude-new-info-at-end-of-op#post_16119945"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a> He is pretty good with our kids, although it seems every time I leave our DD with him I come back and she has a new bump or scrape of some sort.
 
 
</div>
</div>
 Can you get a nanny cam of some sort to record what is happening when he's home alone with your daughter to find out if he is abusing or neglecting her in your absence?
</div>
</div>
 
That's a little extreme. My kids get bumps and bruises all the time and I'd be mortified if my dh filmed me to make sure I wasn't abusing them.
 
I've read several posts about sahms complaining that all their husbands do is go to work. Being the breadwinner is horribly stressful, especially when the stay at home spouse is complaining that there isn't enough money but refuses to work. He needs to realize that every couple is different and while he may be jealous that his wife doesn't do the dishes, those wives who do probably have downsides as well.
 
I think you guys need to have a big talk, about what each of you expect and how you can work together to get it.

Thalia the Muse · Dec 17, 2010

I agree -- it seems like there are very serious problems in the relationship, and neither of you is interested in compromising or taking the other's concerns seriously. He should not grab your arm and you should not reach for his face during an argument.
 
What do you want to happen from this point on? Do you want to repair the relationship, or leave it? Because the next steps for those two options are very different ...

jeminijad · Dec 20, 2010

I have no justification for the arm grabbing.
 
But one 18 month old does not make it impossible to keep a house a basic level of clean. Laundry itself, minus folding, takes 2 minutes per changeout. I have to say that while being the SAHP is valuable and important, being the breadwinner is stressful, and makes the SAHP lifestyle possible. Wash the dishes.

MrsBone · Dec 20, 2010

I agree that he treats you kinda crappy with the yelling and the arm grabbing, but as far as cleaning goes? Yeah, I don't always want to clean up, I'm tired, whatever, but I do it anyway, because I'm home and I have the time. I also only have one kid, almost 2 and keeping the house at a manageable level is definitely doable. But I also understand that personality comes into play with that. Have you ever thought that maybe there are things about you that drives him crazy too? Could you all sit down and have a talk about all your issues? Talking is hard, but it's a vital part of marriage and sometimes takes years to get good at. Hubby and I are still not good at it, but both realize that it's important and has to be done 

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by jeminijad <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285799/he-s-so-irresponsible-and-rude-new-info-at-end-of-op#post_16128292"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> I have no justification for the arm grabbing.
 
But one 18 month old does not make it impossible to keep a house a basic level of clean. Laundry itself, minus folding, takes 2 minutes per changeout. I have to say that while being the SAHP is valuable and important, being the breadwinner is stressful, and makes the SAHP lifestyle possible. Wash the dishes.
</div>
</div>

momo7 · Dec 21, 2010

Staying home with children and doing everything that we do plus more IS hard work! 
 
But I also think that you should take a step back and look at this situation from his point of view. 
 
Believe it or not, he is very aware of how little money he makes. He also believes it is a reflection on his abilities as a father and a husband. I bet he is severely stressed right now wondering how he is going to "make do". 
 
We, as mothers, get severely stressed too....but somehow, I don't understand how, we take it all in stride and deal with it in ways that men have no idea how to do. It is what it is and we just do. 
 
He is also more than aware of how you were before he married you. But at the same time, it is important for you to understand how much a clean house has the ability to cleanse negative energy. You may not notice it, because you are there all day, it may not effect you the way it does him. But he is stressed and worried about work, his life, your life and the life of yours/his child, and how it all rests on him, and a house that is not set at least a little orderly is a drag on him too. 
 
I am not saying that it all should rest on you, it shouldn't at all...but it not a huge sacrifice to put things to a little bit of right before he walks through the door. 
 
It's very hard for me to do this as well...but I can tell the difference in my DH's demeanor on days when the house has a little order and on days when it it looks like a train wrecked and died in it. The stress is so bad I just go in my studio and lock the door. We don't even speak. I have 8 children at home and I homeschool so when I tell you that it looks like a train wreck, I am not kidding one bit. There are days that go by without laundry being done, and there are days when we don't have a dish to eat off of because no body bothered to start the dishes. I KNOW. I want my life to be as stress free as possible....it's not like it's so hard. The one thing that really helps is to have a little order in the house. 
 
Maybe this is all your DH really wants...just a little order.

freestylemama · Dec 21, 2010

I agree with the others who've said the grabbing is unacceptable. I also agree that it sounds like a really stressful situation and if you two want to make your marriage work, there needs to be a compromise. An 18 month old can chill out for a couple of minutes while you change the laundry. She can hang out with you in the kitchen while you do dishes or clean. She can hang out with you while you fold clothes. You can give her little jobs like putting something away or "folding". Yes being a mom is work, but if you get organized you can get housework done as well. Your situation sounds difficult, but it's not going to improve if you don't start giving a little bit. Also, if you split up, you'll be the one doing all of the housework.

purslaine · Dec 21, 2010

I do not think we need to be so hard on the OP.
 
Keeping a house clean is hard for some people - really hard. I struggle with it myself, and tbh if my DH had not been somewhat accepting of a messy house, I would have lost it. I knew it looked like crap and I needed to do a better job of it (as did he) - I did not need him judging me as well, yk?
 
I did not/do not judge him for his income, though. It is what it is.
 
Both the Op and the Dh need to be each others soft place to fall. She needs to lay off his case on money and he needs to lay off her for cleaning.
 
I do think there are ways to positively support each other in things that are mutually beneficial - such as earning a higher income and having a cleaner house - but this need to be supportive endeavours, not judgment, or it is going to go nowhere.

Chamomile Girl · Dec 21, 2010

My husband yelling at me for not doing dishes or folding laundry would be a deal breaker for me...especially if he just came home LATE from a fun night out. Was he drunk or is he just clueless? I've got news for some of you...being a stay at home mom does not mean it is your JOB to do the freaking dishes. Especially if you are the one who cooks. You are home to watch the kid/s. I don't know about y'all, but I have an 18 month old that needs constant supervision, and if my laundry were downstairs there is no way in he-double hockey sticks- that I would leave him alone for the time it takes to change a load. He is destructive and would with certainty hurt himself and break stuff. Not worth it. Nor is it worth it to me to have him cry because he is alone. Sorry. So screw the dishes OP! If you cook, your DH should be doing them anyways.
 
If he does his own laundry why does he even care what you do about the rest?
 
And while it may be stressful to be the sole breadwinner I do not believe (having been in both positions myself..at a very, very stressful job) it to be as bad as being trapped in the house with kid/s all day. It's really, really not. If my DH came home and said one peep about how I didn't do enough I would freak. out. What a ***!
 
OP it is up to you to decide what to do. You can't change your UAV husband, so you either have to modify your reaction to his cluelessness or bail. As PP have pointed out if you bail you will be responsible for all that you already are and more, but at the same time your life will be your own. I'm sorry your in the situation you are, having an 18m is HARD even with willing partner support. I was lucky today that my DH was willing and able to come home early so I didn't chuck DS out of the window.

VisionaryMom · Dec 21, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285799/he-s-so-irresponsible-and-rude-new-info-at-end-of-op#post_16130421"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> My husband yelling at me for not doing dishes or folding laundry would be a deal breaker for me...especially if he just came home LATE from a fun night out. Was he drunk or is he just clueless? I've got news for some of you...being a stay at home mom does not mean it is your JOB to do the freaking dishes. Especially if you are the one who cooks. You are home to watch the kid/s. I don't know about y'all, but I have an 18 month old that needs constant supervision, and if my laundry were downstairs there is no way in he-double hockey sticks- that I would leave him alone for the time it takes to change a load. He is destructive and would with certainty hurt himself and break stuff. Not worth it. Nor is it worth it to me to have him cry because he is alone. Sorry. So screw the dishes OP! If you cook, your DH should be doing them anyways.
 
</div>
</div>
I think this depends on the relationship and situation. MIL has always stayed at home, and she does everything except mowing the lawn. That's worked for my ILs for 35 years. FIL will do things if she asks, but when the kids were little and she was home, yes they viewed that as her job. I would be miffed if I worked, and DH stayed home and didn't get any dishes or laundry done ever. Doing laundry around one toddler truly isn't difficult. Heck, at that age, both of my kids loved to "help" move clothes to the dryer or put them in the basket. You could do 2 loads a day and be perfectly fine if your DH does his own laundry.

Storm Bride · Dec 22, 2010

You know...I don't get where the OP says she never does dishes or laundry. She may not be a great housekeeper (I suck at it, personally), but that doesn't mean she doesn't do anything around the house. The tone of some of these comments sounds like the old "sitting on the couch eating bonbons" cliche.

Schae · Dec 22, 2010

It sounds like you are both very unhappy in the relationship and all the fights and issues are caused by the unhappiness. I suggest you go for couples counselling.

coyotemist · Dec 22, 2010

My mood and self-esteem are much higher with a tidier house. It's never perfect, but I feel better when it's not a disaster. Also, I watch my children, but I've never been much of a playmate with them. They get involved with my activities, I encourage them with theirs, but encourage them to do them independently. 
 
Be kind to yourself, be kind to each other. Continue working on the hard stuff. If you do stuff to make yourself feel better, your relationship will be better.

He's So Irresponsible! And Rude... New info at end of OP.

BabyMae09

Registered

MissLotus

Registered

~Charlie's~Angel~

Registered

purslaine

Registered

TinkerBelle

Registered

texmati

Registered

~PurityLake~

Registered

Alyantavid

Registered

Thalia the Muse

Registered

jeminijad

Premium Member

MrsBone

Registered

momo7

Premium Member

freestylemama

Registered

purslaine

Registered

Chamomile Girl

Registered

VisionaryMom

Registered

Storm Bride

Registered

Schae

Registered

coyotemist

Registered