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<p>Returning to Mothering after awhile.  Glad to be back.  </p>
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<p>I am due 5/1 and have a wonderful 3 yo boy already.  Here's where the rest might get a little heavy duty.  I apologize.</p>
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<p>I am a single mama who separated from an abusive husband last January.  No physical abuse.  He didn't love me he wanted to own me.  He is a wonderful father.  I didn't realize until this pregnancy how sick with depression I am and have been.  When my son was with his Papa I was drinking and having a lot of sex at random.  I was medicating my depression in my own way.  In June I met a wonderful man.  We hit it off fast and furious.  He moved in right away and things were blissful for some time.  We were involved with what was going to be a long wonderful relationship.  We talked about having kids down the line. We created a lot of dreams together.  3 months later we were pregnant.  I told him by saying "I'm pregnant. Don't worry you can just go now."  I don't know if any of ya'll have done any split parenting before.  It really sucks being separated from your child.  Sharing and missing out on all the awesome day to day things.  I was terrified of the thought of having to share 2 kids.  </p>
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<p>This pregnancy has been really hard really painful.  This pregnancy has turned me inside out.  I can not medicate my depression like I had in the past...I guess most of my life.  It is really severe right now.  I have also found I am extremely Vitamin D deficient.  A medical low is a 30.  I am at a 15.  My muscles are in a constant state of tight.  They feel like the wringing the juices out of themselves and separating from the bone.  It is obviously not helping with the depression.  I am getting help from professionals at this point.  I have not been able to work so I am in danger of losing our housing.  He was a massage therapist so his income was never steady.  All of this has proven too much for him to handle.  He could not make my son the baby or myself his number one priority, deal with the stresses or provide so I told him to leave.  I am also not in a state to work on a relationship and be a mama to my son.  I could no longer have my son going through the relationship issues with us.  Right now I am trying to figure out if I am sad about losing him or the idea of him?  I am so sad to be going through this pregnancy and birth alone. </p>
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<p>So ladies I really need you right now.  I am healing.  In better circumstances I would say I'm pretty rad so please be gentle and patient.  I need help in being excited about this pregnancy.  This baby has been so checked out compared to my 1st.  I can almost understand how women don't know they're pregnant.  I need to relearn how to connect with this baby.  I'm hoping I can do that with a group of women in the same stages as me.</p>
 

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<p>Oh, mama!  Im so glad you are here.  Im so glad that there is this place of community in such a disconnected world.  I hope it is a place of healing and strength for you.  I can already tell from your post how strong you are, even if you dont feel it.  It takes so much to break away from the things that are unhealthy for us.  It's so much easier to let ourselves be bloodied and beaten, then to fight for what we know we deserve.</p>
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<p>Im sorry that you are going through this, but Im so glad you arent alone and you have opened yourself up to needing others.  <3</p>
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<p>I felt so much better mentally and physically when my vitamin d levels came up to normal.  It was really amazing the difference.  I hope you experience the same.  It isnt pancea, but it is something easily remedied and how many of those things do we have in life? ;)</p>
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<p>I look forward to getting to know you and have another cojourneyer :)</p>
 

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<p>Welcome back to MDC, we are glad to have you! I am sorry you are going through so much...wow. You are insanely strong and I admire you a lot! Please let us know how we can help you. If you need a facebook buddy I'm Rye Porritt. <3</p>
 
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