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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all,

My name is sheila and I have been lurking for a while. I really admire you mamas!

My situation is that I am married, but not well... Have been married for 17 years. I have an 11 year old boy, 5 year old boy and 9 month old girl... my spouse has always been verbally and emotionally abusive. I have tried to shield my kids the best I could and have spent a lot of years going in and out of feeling like I have done a sufficient job at that, and not. I have been economically dependent on him for a long time- 12 years... Now I am confronting the fact that I really think I would be so much happier on my own with the kids. I am not planning to exclude him from their lives and will need c/s and some child care as well, I will be returning to work- at least part time. I use the word "returning" pretty loosly. I don't know what I want to do and assuming I won't be paid very much. Over the years I have dabbled in a little of this and a little of that. I had my middle son in day care for a while when I was going to school and really want to not do that with my daughter (9 months old) until she is older, if I can help it... but I have not really worked in MANY years. I do not hold any degrees.

It is all so tangled right now, I am kind of paralyzed and not sure what the next step will be. I have to have some surgery in November and will really need hubbys help, so I am thinking - January. I don't even have any savings right now. How to get out? I know he will get *very mad* when he figures out what is going on and will go from his usual hard to deal with self to REALLY angry.... We have a house, so I would eventually be getting some equity from that but the market has slowed a lot here... and in his anger I would not put it past him to try really hard to mess that up.

I am over welmed and wondering where the heck to start... I am trying to "find" money.... I am waiting till after the holidays (hard time to be looking to "find" money!) both so I can heal and for my kids... but my kids know that something is up- especially my oldest son. he hates all the fighting...

I have never lived on my own... I rely on hubby for a lot... Altho I am in charge of the finainces, but like with the cars and the lawn and home maintnance, all that will be new for me.

I need to figure out how to search the archives and see what is back there about this but I wanted to introduce myself and say "hi" and ask "how did you do it"????

Sheila
 

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Sorry to hear things aren't going well.

You're already getting a plan together, that's good. Financial is the most important, make sure you have money when you talk to him.

I know it seems like you have to have everything else figured out right now and that seems overwhelming....but in reality, everything will just sort of happen and you'll have time to adjust to each thing as that happens.

There are a lot of options. Some of us work from home, some of us go to school, some do online school, so there are different ways to do things and be away from your kids as little as possible. Open up your mind to all possibilities and really look at what options you have available to you.

I hope your surgery goes well and you recover quickly. That will be one less thing to consider.

Making these decisions are never easy and often you'll find that once you start putting your plan into action, it's easier than you thought it might be. We tend to think we need an answer for everything all at once, but we really don't.

Good luck and feel free to use this board as a resource and place for support.
 

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It's definately hard to be in limbo, and waiting for the time to make your move. You sound like a strong woman, stay firm in your decision is the advice that I would give. Flip flopping is painful and confusing.

There is help out there. Perhaps you could explore the state help you would be eligable for before you make your move. Talk to a social worker, they are there to help. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I have relied on the YWCA for support in my own abuse issues, counseling and they have provided me a direction to compile resources, a call wouldn't hurt and it is free. They also have child care (I'm not sure how much that costs)

There are also alot of options for making money...working from your home might be an option. My counselor at the Y has helped me talk through those types of challenges.

Welcome to the Single Parent forum, we are here to be a support group to help. There are so many nice and helpful people here...like MsChatsAlot said, feel free to come here often
 

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It's a tough position to be in, but you are formulating your plan - and that's the important part! When you are being abused, it's time to go. I really feel badly for your child who is upset by the fighting - more than anything, I don't want my child to have to deal with that. Home should be a peaceful place.

Does your area have something like a Women's Resource Center? Most counties have something like that, where you could explain your situation to someone and have them make suggestions about getting on your feet. And, consult with a lawyer (some do it for free, and some charge, but it's worth it) and write down all your questions/answers...it's good to know your rights and what's common for custody/visitation in your area. Not that you probably would, but don't tell your husband about all this information-gathering, at least not yet! Since you have been married so long, it is likely you will get maintenance (alimony) as well as child support. A lawyer could give you a better idea about that, but of course that could shape your work/childcare situation.

I wish you well - I know it isn't easy - but you can make a better life for yourself and your kids!!
 

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I would sit back and plan, as you are doing and leave when all of your ducks are in a row. Safety is always a big concern and so you may have to figure out a way that you can end it without being physically present. Work on stashinng some cash away for yourself and the kids so that you will have something to cushion you when you're out there.

Also, if you are being abused in any form, consider a domestic violence women's shelter. At least there you are safe with the kids and have a roof over your head(s) while you get yourself together.

Life it too short for any of us to be unhappy. The next thing you know, you'll look up and 40 years will have passed and you are still waiting on 1. him to drop dead or 2. him to change.
yourself and then you'll know what is right for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·


I am feeling a little better aobut things and I do appreciate the support. One thing I have to admit is thinking osmeone local may recognize me. I guess I am still at the point of being embarrased about what a mess this all is.

Thanks,



Sheila
 

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get into therapy. It gives you the strength to move foward and deal with your situation. Being embarassed is difficult. I live in a small town and am often "outed" by x. I spent our married lives here hiding him from people and my marriage. Now it is out in the open, and I hate having people know my situation, but therapy will help you learn it's not your fault. Find a good therapist that deals with domestic violence. That is what you are dealing with.
 
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