hi y'all.. need some advice

540 Views 17 Replies 8 Participants Last post by CalebsMama05, Apr 12, 2006

jenn s

Discussion Starter · Apr 10, 2006

I'm new here. I got divorced the first part of Feb 2006.
I'm a SAHM to Razzy (4) and Kath (1).

I'm in desperate need of support when it comes to dealing with my ex. As most of them do he drives me insane.

I'm not sure how to deal with it. He has supervised visitation with my girls for two hours (dinner visit) however he always wants to come early (as in 3:30pm today) and stay late. Today however I said "ok and then you'll leave around 5:30pm" (that would give him his 2hours...) and he got POd and hung up on me. He's also pushing for a week long trip with my 4yo, next summer (at which time she would be 5yo) even tho he does not have week vacations until my oldest is 6yo and then with my youngest she needs to be 4yo.

How do I go about "enforcing" the "rules". He's one who is a control freak and I believe this is just another way for him to exert control...

I don't mind being flexible however I do have a life and am working hard to be flexible while still having a family with my girls...

WWYD??

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1 - 18 of 18 Posts

MsChatsAlot

· #2 · Apr 10, 2006

First, is it that you just don't want him spending the extra time with the kids or is it that he does it in a way that is disrespectful of you and your time?

If he's just taking advantage of the situation then he's crossing the boundaries and it can be resolved by letting him know 'your' rules.

My ex is like this. He picks up and drops off the kids whenever he feels like it. One time he showed up at 7:00 and I was upset because I had plans that night and he walks in with one kid fast asleep and there was no way we could make it to our function. He said, 'why didn't you tell me you had plans?' My response was that, if the court order says you bring them home at 6, why do I need to tell you we have plans at 7? We talked about it, because I encourage him to spend as much time as he likes with the kids, and I agreed (for the sake of being agreeable) that in the future, I'd let him know if we had plans. He agreed to call if he was going to be late or early.

For my ex, he just figured it was his day.....he could show up when he felt like it and bring them home when he feels like it. For the most part, that's okay with me, because I'm quite easy-going and also he sees them so little and they are his kids too, so I'm totally cool and open to him spending more time with them. I just don't like sitting at home for 2 hours worried, wondering if everything's okay.

Since then, he has called when he's going to be late and it's worked out well.

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MamaRainebeau

· #3 · Apr 11, 2006

I feel your pain, mama.
Here's my $.02...
Your ex has supervised visitation for a reason. There is obviously something about him or your situation that the Coiurt felt that unsupervised was not appropriate. Don't let him manipulate you into feeling bad aboutfollowing the oprder and/or being lax about visitation. I think you are more than right to be concerned about a week long trip. I'd say no way mr. Ex. He can always file a request for modification of visitation if he really wants to.

cheyennemama

· #4 · Apr 11, 2006

We have problems with times too. My ex is also a control freak. At first we were friendly and both said that he'd see the kids whenever he could, etc, etc. Now as time goes on, he sees the kids only 2x/wk while I'm at school. So basically, he babysits them at his place for 3 hrs at a time. On the few rare occasions, he's been willing to watch them on the weekend, he refuses to let me pick the time. He insists on allowing himself to sleep in and then pick the kids up at noon. I constantly say 9am or 10am but he refuses because he wants to sleep. What I wouldn't give for him to take the kids a full 24 hrs! We each dug in our heels a couple wks ago- he was going to take them overnight but then we both nitpicked on the times and finally he just said, "Forget it!" and refused to watch them at all! I don't know how to reason with him....

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jenn s

Discussion Starter · #5 · Apr 11, 2006

it's a bit of both... I cannot stand to be around ex however I am b/c I'm nursing dd2 and refuse to let him have her until she has weaned when she chooses (along with other issues). Anyway ex just expects me to be at his beck and call.. meaning the appointed time is from 5-7pm altho he will often call and say "I'm on my way to your apartment" (at like 3pm) and then want to stay until 7pm. Giving himself 4 hours instead of the divorce settlement of 2 hours. He comes over and starts running around my apartment, throwing balls etc (which I do not allow them to do)..however he feels it's his parenting time and even tho it's MY apartment he gets to rule the roost... i say he can rule the roost in HIS apartment..

i cannot get into a fair amount of our divorce proceedings as his attorney had me sign agreements stating I would never speak of some of the reasons/results of our divorce...

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StephandOwen

· #6 · Apr 11, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenn s
Anyway ex just expects me to be at his beck and call.. meaning the appointed time is from 5-7pm altho he will often call and say "I'm on my way to your apartment" (at like 3pm) and then want to stay until 7pm. Giving himself 4 hours instead of the divorce settlement of 2 hours.

Honestly? Get a caller ID and an answering machine. If you see it's him calling then don't answer. If it's something important (like if he can't make it to a visit) then he can leave a message on your machine. If he just wants to come early then don't answer it. Though from the sounds of it he might just come over early anyway. If he starts doing that I'd just start taking the girls somewhere (a park maybe) and bringing them back as his visit is supposed to be starting.

Good luck!

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jenn s

Discussion Starter · #7 · Apr 11, 2006

won't he then claim I'm an alienating parent.. by not being "flexible"

Don't worry I'm working with a therapist about learning how to stand up for myself and not being so wishy-washy

Jilian

· #8 · Apr 11, 2006

Add my ex to the list of control freaks. He likes to call the shots and throws a tantrum when I don't let him. Just be firm. Sometimes you have to really be firm with your boundaries for quite some time until they "get it". My ex is the "give and inch take a mile" type so if I budge even slightly, he sees it as an opportunity to re-negotiate everything

Be honest with him and let him know what is and what is not negotiable. After you set limits it is VERY important to stick to them. Stand your ground mama. I used to be wishy washy too and ex used to take advantage of it, setting boundaries seems to be helping a lot.

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MamaRainebeau

· #9 · Apr 11, 2006

A pp had a great idea...just make plans awayfrom the house that don't put you and the kids back there until just before his scheduled visit time. You can do the same thing on the other end too... Oops, its 7pm. Gotta take the kids to Grandma's house, she's expecting us for dinner in 20 min... you get the picture.

StephandOwen

· #10 · Apr 11, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenn s
won't he then claim I'm an alienating parent.. by not being "flexible"

Don't worry I'm working with a therapist about learning how to stand up for myself and not being so wishy-washy

He could try, but as long as you can prove that you did, in fact, let him see the kids for the scheduled time then I wouldn't see it as a big deal. If he was to ask if he could move the time to 2-4 and you said no, that might be seen as "bad" (but even then it's your right to say no and stick to the original agreement). But he's not doing that- he's trying to control how long he can be there (sounds like a control freak to me).

cheyennemama

· #11 · Apr 11, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by StephandOwen
Honestly? Get a caller ID and an answering machine. If you see it's him calling then don't answer. If it's something important (like if he can't make it to a visit) then he can leave a message on your machine. If he just wants to come early then don't answer it. Though from the sounds of it he might just come over early anyway. If he starts doing that I'd just start taking the girls somewhere (a park maybe) and bringing them back as his visit is supposed to be starting.

Good luck!

If I don't answer my phone, he just comes over. So I always answer it when he calls!

jenn s

Discussion Starter · #12 · Apr 11, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheyennemama
If I don't answer my phone, he just comes over. So I always answer it when he calls!

mine too. he heard about a car accident near where we live and so he jumped in his car to drive over to my apartment to make sure we were OK... all b/c i didn't answer my cell phone (only phone) we were at the park

MsChatsAlot

· #13 · Apr 11, 2006

If you want clear boundaries with this man, you need to set them. If you don't answer the phone and don't open the door, if you are not home, he can't get in. You can makes changes to this situation that will let him know you will not be walked on.

jenn s

Discussion Starter · #14 · Apr 11, 2006

that's what I'm working on... but it's so hard b/c he is soo angry when I try to make changes, he flies off the handle, starts blaming, accusing me of this that and the other.

MsChatsAlot

· #15 · Apr 11, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenn s
that's what I'm working on... but it's so hard b/c he is soo angry when I try to make changes, he flies off the handle, starts blaming, accusing me of this that and the other.

That's why he behaves like that. It works. He starts doing that, you give in, he gets what he wants.

You need to consistently stop giving in to him and eventually he will stop.

My ex did this too. It used to work and after a few not-so-fun lessons, he figured out he has to do something new to get what he wants.

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papayapetunia

· #16 · Apr 11, 2006

Just curious, do you think he's coming over like that because he wants to still pretend you are husband and wife? Or is it about wanting more time with the children? If it's the first thing, it needs to stop real quick, or you're going to have problems later on. Well, maybe everyone isn't like my ex, but when I started dating again, he acted like I cheated on him because of all the time we had been spending "together," even though he had a girlfriend. He actually went to the house of the guy I was dating and did doughnuts in his yard with his car. Yeah, that relationship ended real quick. Along with any other relationship until ex finally decided that he'd keep his girlfriend around for a while.

jenn s

Discussion Starter · #17 · Apr 12, 2006

i think he's sort of delusional... he still wears his wedding ring.. i asked him why the other day, he replied "it's habit" and yes he still wears it.

i don't think many of his co-workers know that we are divorced.. i think X cannot get a hold of it, kwim?

CalebsMama05

· #18 · Apr 12, 2006

I really don't know what to say my stbx is sort of the same as he wants to see caleb when it is convenient for him and not when it is convenient for me. like if i call him and ask him to come see caleb he will say no but he will pop over unnanounced and then get really mad when we're not at home.

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