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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I guess I am asking what you would do...or for help for me to work through this and figure it out..

We have two children, both UP/UC...extremely intelligent, beautiful, wonderful kids...and are expecting our third.

When I was pregnant with ds, dh was so excited about our birth plans, that he told his parents we were planning a homebirth. He didn't even mention that we were planning a UC at that point. That came out later to one of his brothers. Anyway, they called us and attacked us multiple times. They called all of the extended relatives and had THEM attack us. We almost cut off all contact with them permanently because of this treatment (we've never had a great relationship with them).

They have been unsupportive of all of our parenting decisions. Our kids are great IN SPITE of our parenting decisions, according to their thoughts.

We were going to wait to tell them with dd, but we were going to be seeing them when I was around 4 months pregnant so we decided to tell them. Actually, FIL wasn't going to be there, so dh called and told him to make it special for him (he isn't too bad if MIL isn't with him). Then we ended up not making the trip, but we had already told FIL, so we had to tell MIL and everyone else at that point.

We are expecting #3. We now live within 45 minutes of the ILs rather than 20+ hours. Dh's oldest brother just had his first baby the "right" way - hospital, epidural, drugs, incubator, etc. and it raising it the "right" way - crib, pacifier, passing off to relatives, electronic toys, and everything completely mainstream. There are also issues concerning dh's cousins who are having babies the "right" way and a comment made by his aunt about how our son should have been the one to die - well, things that should never be said and we can't forgive.

We haven't told any of dh's family. In fact, when the ILs came over a couple of weeks ago to give ds a birthday gift, I made sure to wear a T-shirt rather than a more fitting shirt, just in case they might notice my expanding waistline.

I don't like hiding the fact that I am pregnant. We have come so close to cutting out the ILs SO many times. However, I am having a hard time distinguishing whether we are not telling in order to protect our family or to hurt them. The first is a valid reason for me. The second is not. I guess it could be both. I really just don't want to deal with them. I wouldn't mind telling dh's grandmother. She doesn't agree with our birth choices, but she keeps it to her self and would be happy about another great-grandchild. However, that would mean all of the extended family would know.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What would you do? At this point we are just waiting for enough time to pass for them to have the audacity to ask if I am pregnant or fat or for one of the kids to say something about it. I'm not too worried about my two year old saying anything and I explained to my 4 year old that we weren't ready to tell them. He agreed because "they aren't very respectful of our family."
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
We required a one month babymoon with ds. They were NOT happy. Since he was born a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, they decided that if they called us from a hotel in our town, we would HAVE to let them come see the baby. Luckily FIL slipped to dh, who promptly sent a very polite preemptive strike e-mail, thanking them for their understanding and listing all of the reasons why we were having a babymoon. We moved here in the middle of my second pregnancy, but we still said 6 weeks with dd. Dh says we will just add 2 more weeks for every baby.

Although, they got to be in the delivery room for our new nephew, so they will probably bring that up. Too bad. FIL was mad because we had taken our kids out in public long before we let them come see them. Um....in public they are in the sling - not being expected to be held by unknown relatives....

Sometimes we come really close to cutting them out. However, we really wish we could find an understanding and have a respectful relationship with them. That will probably never happen, though...I guess we just don't tell about the new baby for now. They will find out eventually and then can wait 8 weeks before seeing the baby....
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
We did cut the aunt and uncle out of our lives. We have never said anything official about it, but we no longer send cards and refuse to attend any functions if they will be there. We want absoultely nothing to do with them. I know they were coming from a place of hurt. Their first grandchild had a rare heart defect which was found before he was born. Dh and I actually researched it and the fact is that he was fine while he was still in the womb. Only after birth would there be a problem and he would need surgery. They ended up having an early C-section and the baby didn't weigh the required 5 pounds needed for surgery. They ended up going ahead and doing the surgery because he was dying, but he wasn't big enough to handle it. The comment about our son being the one who should have died came from this. I know they were hurting, but to us, that is inexcusable.

We have stood up to dh's parentes before. MIL throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get her way - which she doesn't really with us. Yes, full fledged temper tantrums - yelling, stomping her feet, etc. They usually will tred lightly for a littl ebit, but then they start pushing again. Even simple things - like asking her not to baby talk to our kids or that they not say "Good Job" to our children. Now that the "favorite" grandchild (BIL's child) is here, it could go either way. Either they will leave us alone more or they will bother us more.

Dh decided that as part of their holiday gift this year, we will give them a copy of Unconditional Parenting and explain that non-coercive parenting is an importnat part of our lives. They may not agree, but they have been given a copy of a book which speaks about it - sort of a warning that we will be calling them on stuff and they shouldn't be surprised. We will also offer to lend them the DVD, if they would prefer to watch it.

We decided not to tell them about the pregnancy. They will find out eventually. We aren't saying anything to them. The kids aren't saying anything. It is their own loss.
 

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Discussion Starter · #21 ·
We are giving the ILs other gifts. We don't celebrate the same holidays that they do (yet another issue with them). They wouldn't accept the book otherwise.

The comment from the aunt was the final straw for them. We were close to cutting off contact with them before that because of other comments and actions - that was just the final push.

For now, we will be cordial with dh's family and go on with our lives. They can take it or leave it.
 
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