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my situation is somewhat similar. we do not have children (yet), and we plan on UCing, etc. my ILs are much more 'mainstream' and my MIL prefers the concept of an elective c-section for birth rather than any form of natural birth. her's was painful, she says, and 'no woman should go through that.' so, she sees the elective c-section as the right choice for women!

what she also likes about the elective c-section is that, as in the cases of her friends who are now grandmothers, the grandmother's get to hold the baby first. in most of the c-sections around here, the mother is so out-of-it that she cannot hold her own baby. sometimes, she's completely unconscious for the surgery to remove the baby from her body. so, the baby gets bathed, nurseried, etc, and then brought out to the father of the baby and the grandparents. my MIL's one friend ws the first family member to hold the baby! this is what my MIL wants.

so, when we told them about homebirthing (not UCing) she was very upset. When we told her about 'babymooning,' she came unhinged. she said that it was "very mean and unfair" for us to do these things 'to her.'

while we will live across the country from them in a few months so proximity won't be an issue, our current plan is to not tell them when we're pregnant until we're 6 or more months along, and then not give them an EDD so that they don't show up on our doorstep. we'll have the baby when we have it, do our baby moon, and then tell them when it's appropriate to come out to see us and the baby.

this is mostly to avoid grief--but also because we're both rather private people. so, this is our current, working plan.
 

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there is this book--i'll look for the title--that we got my ILs. we gave it to their pastor who read it and then 'passed it along' to them. sometimes, that guy is really nice.


anyway, the book is somehting like "when your kids live alternative" or something like this "Adult children and alternative lifestyles?" that might be it. ah, i can't remember, but i'll look for it.

anyway, it teaches parents to accept differences and let go of their expectations and disappointments.
 

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krystal:

that's the book! thanks!

boheime:

i completely understand 'cutting out' the aunt and uncle for their cruelty. i also have great sympathy for them and feel that they didn't mean it the way that it came out. it was more like "our kid did everything right in her pregnancy, and it didn't turn out at all. she did everything wrong and got that great kid. it's very unfair." i'm not trying to make light of what was said or how hurtful it was to you. But, i had a friend who grieved his mother and said "i wish your mother was dead!" to me, in front of my mother, and i simply realized he wanted me to understand the extent of his pain and grief. Although i don't think you should or need to resume contact with them, to heal yourself, understanding where they came from will be helpful.

Have you tried utilizing gentle discipline techniques with your MIL when she goes into irrational tantrum mode? It's what i utilize with my family members when they go irrational. The pre-rational distraction technique works well--and then you can utilize other gentle discipline techniques as you go along and when they're more rational. it's amazing how well it works. I started reading those books to learn about gentle discipline for my future children; i find mself using the techniques on a regular basis regarding employers, ILs, and other relatives and relations. It really works.

also, as a total aside, give your parents that book, but not for christmas. give them christmas gifts, and then say "i want you to read this book so that you can udnerstand where we're coming form as parents." it just works out better.
 
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