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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So many issues to deal with a high needs child. Description to start: <a href="http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/t050400.asp" target="_blank">http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/t050400.asp</a><br><br>
Anyone have a child who sounds like this? I need to talk!<br><br>
Main issue now: My husband and I can't do anything! We can't watch tv (if we sit on the couch he screams and tries to climb on (then he tries to jump off--over and over and over again); if we sit on the floor he climbs on us; if we lay down next to each other he starts screaming and sitting in between us; if we are on the computer, he starts screaming and tugging at us to get off; if we are eating, the same thing, we sit him in the high chair and he's screaming because he wants out, we put him on the ground, he's screaming to get up on our laps, then he's screaming because he wants our utensils or to get the food off our plates. I can't go to the bathroom, cook...almost nothing. Keep in mind, I have carried this baby nearly ever moment since his birth, bf on demand, and cosleep. Are we doing something wrong, is something wrong with him? Does anyone else share in these experiences? This is all day everyday! I am screaming in my head at this point! Gentle discipline ideas?
 

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My DD is 14.5 mo and is also "high needs" or "spirited."<br><br>
How old is your son?<br><br>
I don't think you really need discipline. I think you need to find a way to live consensually, in that everyone's needs are being met and no one's needs are being ignored. I'm not saying this right... what I mean is, there's no way to punish your child into being a different, easier child.<br><br>
You have to parent the child you have, not the child you want.<br><br>
Is this new behavior? Could it be an ear infection, food sensitivity, etc.? Are you newly PG, have a new baby, just moved, etc.? Any change to daily routine totally throws off my DD for a few days and makes her very clingy/needy/draining.<br><br>
There's a spirited child tribe you may want to look into.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">:<br><br>
Hey! He's thirteen months. No changes in our lives. This is his personality as far as I can tell. Yeah, what on meant on the discipline was any way to deal with these behaviors in a positive way that would help him to grow in the most positive direction possible. I will try to find the high-spirited tribe! Thanks!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>DoratheExplora</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9826627"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">We can't watch tv (if we sit on the couch he screams and tries to climb on (then he tries to jump off--over and over and over again);</div>
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DD is like this. It can help a little to get him something he CAN climb on, such as a Kangaroo Climber, but in my experience, they really want to be involved in what we are doing but the TV show is too boring so they end up climbing on what we are sitting on and on us.<br><br>
For the most part we have given up TV. In the rare instances we watch it, its usually something she also enjoys like the Backyardigans or Kipper or Little Bear. If we REALLY want to watch a video of our own, then basically we need to spread the playmat on the floor in front of the TV, pile some toys up, sit down there on the mat with her, and kind of play/watch. TV is not a relaxing activity anymore and won't be for a while yet.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>DoratheExplora</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9826627"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">if we sit on the floor he climbs on us;</div>
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Yep - being on the floor is fair game!!! That's what your SUPPOSED to do on the floor!<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>DoratheExplora</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9826627"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">if we lay down next to each other he starts screaming and sitting in between us; if we are on the computer, he starts screaming and tugging at us to get off; if we are eating, the same thing, we sit him in the high chair and he's screaming because he wants out, we put him on the ground, he's screaming to get up on our laps, then he's screaming because he wants our utensils or to get the food off our plates. I can't go to the bathroom, cook...almost nothing. Keep in mind, I have carried this baby nearly ever moment since his birth, bf on demand, and cosleep. Are we doing something wrong, is something wrong with him? Does anyone else share in these experiences? This is all day everyday! I am screaming in my head at this point! Gentle discipline ideas?</div>
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This really sounds pretty normal. He wants to be in the middle of whatever you are doing. He wants to be doing what you are doing, and if he can't, then he wants you to stop doing it.<br><br>
If you work on finding safe ways for him to be included, then it will feel much more harmonious to everyone, plus every now and then you'll hit on something he's willing to do for 20 minutes or so which will give you a moment to use the potty or the frying pan or have a sip of your coffee. A stool or chair in front of the sink and he will "help" wash dishes, for example. But its not reliable (what worked yesterday may not be as interesting to him today).
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
betsy--know where i can find that tribe?<br><br>
bellingham--good to know i am not alone.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

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You're really not alone! I think there's tons of us out here with high needs/ spirited kids. I used to think my first was about as high needs as you could get, until I had my second. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I think part of it is the age. This is a classic moment when they are beginning to realize that mama is a seperate entity from themselves, and they are scared and overwhelmed. Just keep remembering that while he may always be high needs, this part will pass. Especially as he gets older and is able to play by himself for a bit. Even if it's only 2 minutes, that's a bathroom break!<br><br>
TV might be making him more wound up. Do you notice any correlation with his behavior and TV exposure? Then again, we don't do TV at all (occasional DVD when they're asleep) and I don't have much luck reading a book or cooking either.<br><br>
One thing I've found that helps is making sure to give them plenty of hands on time (a good 15/ 30 minute chunk of play/ cuddling/ reading) before I try to do something for myself. Get the glass full so to speak. This may only buy you a minute but it's worth a try!<br><br>
Can your DP watch him for you for an hour or so on the weekends so you can go out for coffee or something? Go for a walk alone? Anything to calm down. You do the same for him if he needs it too.
 

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Climbing on us and the loveseat was how our DD amused herself while we watched tv until just a couple of months ago. (She's 24 months) She had a footrest behind the loveseat and she'd climb over landing on us, my DH would say "ohno", she'd giggle, then run around the furniture to do it again.<br>
We usually are available to play abit with her when we watch something. Blocks and balls are really good for being able to play and watch a program at the same time. We're scifi fans, and watch StarTrek, Dr Who, or something about 2 or 3 times a week, so it's not every night or more than an hour or two. She's finally starting to play more on her on - sometimes. She used to like eating in our laps sometimes, but it's less now that she's using forks and spoons more.<br>
Anytime she has to wait for one of us to pick her up she gets upset, but she doesn't have to wait often or for very long. I guess it's not a problem because we expect her to want our attention most of the time. We don't expect couple time until she's asleep. We usually take turns for using the computer or cooking. If I'm on the computer during the day and she climbs in my lap, sometimes a little nursing or going to a site she likes ( <a href="http://cuteoverload.com/" target="_blank">http://cuteoverload.com/</a> is one) helps. Having an occasional uninterrupted break is important. Once DH took DD to a park so I could nap. Usually it's he plays with DD so I can have one uninterrupted shower a week.<br>
Basically she'll be too busy playing on her own and with her friends to play with her silly old parents soon enough, so we're trying to enjoy this dependent stage of her life.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wave.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wave"><br><br>
Greetings from a Mommy of a "High Needs" 4 year old!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I have read that article so many times, and have joined a support group.<br><br>
I love how Dr. Sears define "draining" (transferring your energy fuel into their tank) because it's exactly described what happens with our DS.<br><br>
Our DS still does the things you describe. If DH and I are having a conversation, DS will do little things to regain our attention because the *focus* is off HIM.<br><br>
He's very very very extroverted and not being engaged in conversation is NOT meeting his needs. I get tired (see my mood) and what helps me to keep meeting my DS's needs is to take alot of time for myself.<br><br>
You are not alone!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"><br><br>
Thanks for your support. I am going to focus on patience and try to see the good things about his character, and just hang onto the fact that it won't always be this way.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>DoratheExplora</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9826627"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">So many issues to deal with a high needs child. Description to start: <a href="http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/t050400.asp" target="_blank">http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/t050400.asp</a><br><br>
Anyone have a child who sounds like this? I need to talk!<br><br>
Main issue now: My husband and I can't do anything! We can't watch tv (if we sit on the couch he screams and tries to climb on (then he tries to jump off--over and over and over again); if we sit on the floor he climbs on us; if we lay down next to each other he starts screaming and sitting in between us; if we are on the computer, he starts screaming and tugging at us to get off; if we are eating, the same thing, we sit him in the high chair and he's screaming because he wants out, we put him on the ground, he's screaming to get up on our laps, then he's screaming because he wants our utensils or to get the food off our plates. I can't go to the bathroom, cook...almost nothing. Keep in mind, I have carried this baby nearly ever moment since his birth, bf on demand, and cosleep. Are we doing something wrong, is something wrong with him? Does anyone else share in these experiences? This is all day everyday! I am screaming in my head at this point! Gentle discipline ideas?</div>
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Abigail is a high needs baby/toddler.<br>
Sophia is so easy in comparison.<br>
Makes me happy Abigail came first.<br>
She's 2.5 now, and it's getting better, but some of those things still drive me insane.<br>
I cannot eat dinner without her jumping on me.<br>
I stand to eat, every single time I eat, because if I sit down, she'll climb on me and spill my food, and she wants what I have even if it's EXACTLY the same thing I gave her.<br>
I cannot sit on the couch without BOTH of them jumping all over me.<br>
I hate that.
 

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My son is the same age, and sounds like he has a similar personality. My gods, if I try to (heaven forfend!) sit on the couch, it's the end of the world. I must sit on the floor where he can get to me. I can't hold anything (a book? No way!), but he doesn't necessarily need/want to interact with me. As long as I'm accessible and not DOING anything, I can get up to 5-10 minutes of not getting climbed on.<br><br>
There are a few things that help.<br><br>
1. Going outside. He's more willing to give me some space if he can roam around outdoors. It's snowy out now, so this happens less and less.<br><br>
2. Going to visit other children/people. If there are OTHER people around instead of just mommy and daddy, he's so fascinated that we can get a break.<br><br>
3. For my own sanity and for the sake of having a positive relationship with my son, I've started having to set boundaries. Yes, it is okay if I step over the other side of the baby gate and cook myself some food so I don't have to eat crackers for lunch AGAIN. Even if he yells the whole time. It doesn't do him any good to have a mom who can't function because she can't take care of herself. And I don't want to model for him that it's okay to completely neglect your own needs in order to take care of someone else.
 

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When I read your post I laughed because I could have written it! My ds is 16 mo and sounds VERY much like your ds. As others have posted, we have found that the best way to handle ds's need to be close (almost suffocatingly close at times) is to be around other people. My ds is VERY social and loves to play with other children and adults. Consequently, I take him to as many playgroups as I can during the week. This keeps us both happy!
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>prothyraia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9846688"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My son is the same age, and sounds like he has a similar personality. My gods, if I try to (heaven forfend!) sit on the couch, it's the end of the world. I must sit on the floor where he can get to me. I can't hold anything (a book? No way!), but he doesn't necessarily need/want to interact with me. As long as I'm accessible and not DOING anything, I can get up to 5-10 minutes of not getting climbed on.<br><br>
There are a few things that help.<br><br>
1. Going outside. He's more willing to give me some space if he can roam around outdoors. It's snowy out now, so this happens less and less.<br><br>
2. Going to visit other children/people. If there are OTHER people around instead of just mommy and daddy, he's so fascinated that we can get a break.<br><br>
3. For my own sanity and for the sake of having a positive relationship with my son, I've started having to set boundaries. Yes, it is okay if I step over the other side of the baby gate and cook myself some food so I don't have to eat crackers for lunch AGAIN. Even if he yells the whole time. It doesn't do him any good to have a mom who can't function because she can't take care of herself. And I don't want to model for him that it's okay to completely neglect your own needs in order to take care of someone else.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: M is for mother, not martyr!
 
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