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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been down on marriage. For most of my adult life I have never wanted to marry. I've lived with a few people. But after a relationship with my son's dad I never wanted to EVER get married. I just don't see the benefits in it. Why? I've never been a traditionalist. It just never really appealed to me. Currently my wonderful partner and I live together. He is a wonderful father to my son. (Bio-dad not in picture). He treats him like his own. They have a very special relationship. And lately I've been having thoughts of marriage! Very strange to me. He recently told me he wants to be with me the rest of our lives. He's not big on marriage either. He once said he would only get married on a frozen lake. Yikes! So we have been extremely happy co-habitating together, but no wedding bells in the picture due to both of our take on tying the knot. We have been falling deeper into one another. It has taken us 4 years to really fall in love. And now I am feeling the urge to plan a wedding and make and take vows with this man! The urge has been so overwhelming that I've been dreaming about it almost every night. I also want to blurt it out to him "I wanna marry you". Even though I am pretty open and liberal I want him to ask me. Is this weird. Have any of you been down this road-never had plans of marriage but decided to do it. Have you (the women) asked your husband to marry you? I feel like he wants to ask me but is too scared. What to do? Let me hear your stories.
 

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aw, sweetymom! what a nice story... welcome to the MDC boards, and i look forward to getting to know you!

after my kids' dad walked out after 16 years (13 married), i wasn't looking for another marriage. but here i am again, and i have no regrets.

it's great that you can re-examine your beliefs and expectations... we are always growing, changing and learning, and what is true for us at one point of our lives might not be true a few years later.

my dh and i have a great marriage, despite neither of us really looking for one. but we decided that we really wanted to celebrate what we have together, and that a big party was just the ticket! the legal aspects are also good... if he or i are ill, the other has authority to manage our care, that kind of thing.

while i wasn't looking to the state for affirmation or authorization of our union, i'm glad we went down this path. our marriage is for us, and the side effects of legal recognition are just gravy, as far as we're concerned.

maybe drop a few hints? find romantic proposal stories on the web and mention then to your dp... casually mention your shifting views on a wedding... but if the two of you have up till now maintained an aversion to marriage, don't expect him to pull out a big ol' rock and drop to one knee spontaneously. feel it out with him, let him know you're open to the idea, but don't be hurt if he doesn't take the hint. it might be just his dream to hear you express a desire to wed him! who knows?

good luck and let us know what happens!

katje
 

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I don't have any experience with this - I KNEW I was going to marry DH before we even met (long story involving long distance communication, parents were dating, etc.) We've been married 3 1/2 years without a fight.

However, a friend of mine always said that he didn't ever want to get married, bleah bleah blah. One day, he met this girl, and BOOM! They were engaged about 6 months after they met and were married last summer. So I guess you never know! I think it really is this feeling you have inside about wanting to let others know how much you love this person. That's how it was for me. We called each other husband and wife before we were married and we are so proud to call each other that, especially when talking to other people.
 

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To me marriage sometimes gets a bad rap from people (I am also by the way a liberal feminist). Too often it's interpreted as a trap or as an outside interference on a perfectly healthy and happy relationship. But I see marriage as a public declaration of love. It's an opportunity to gather your friends and family and tell the world how much the person standing next to you means to you. Marriage is a constant public commitment to love, and to me that's a beautiful thing. So yeah, it makes total sense that now that you've found your soul mate and life partner that you would want to declare your love and commitment to everyone.

And I proposed to my husband with a band that had "Forever" engraved on it (although I still got him to buy me diamond ring). Sometmes I regret it as there is a part of me that wishes that I had had that romantic on the knee surprise porposal but that would've never happened. It's just not like Dh.
 

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I decided I did not want to get married when I was a senior in college. I was 22. Then I met DH at work. He proposed married when we had been dating four weeks. We were married four months later. The day after my college graduation.

We were happily married for 26 years and four months. He told me he never had a moment's regret and neither did I.

Everyday was a conscious decision to be with the other person. I loved him. He loved me.

Marriage has its own legal and social advantages and you should take advantage of those.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by applejuice
Marriage has its own legal and social advantages and you should take advantage of those.

Yes, this is one very good reason to consider getting married...health insurance is a big one for us.

That said, I completely see where people are coming from by choosing not to marry for philosophical reasons. BUT there is something really magical and spiritual about standing up in a room full of everyone you love and care for (and who loves and cares for you) and pledging your life to someone else. IMO it is not the same as being in a relationship with someone and simply being together forever as an assumption. That, of course, is a perfectly lovely way to be a family, but it seems like a much deeper committment when you verbalize it publicly.

Good luck with everything Sweetymom....

and BTW, I am sure you've thought of this, but weddings are not all the lineup of bridemaids, foo foo cakes and poofy gowns...we got married on a hillside at an historical site and the sunset (which we didn't pay for per se) was every vibrant shade of the rainbow you can imagine. It was intensely beautiful.
 

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My dh & I have been together for 8 yrs on July 10...we had a ceremony with ourselves. I don't subscribe to the legal paperwork thing...we are married w/ 2 beautiful lives entrusted to our partnership...how much more solid could you get than that? Tho' at 10 years, we're thinking of having a big bash, b/c celebrating 10 years of love & hard work seems to make more sense to me than the beginning of it...my .02
 

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You are certainly not alone in all this. I can to the conclusion to reject the institution of marriage in college when the federal gov't decide to ban gays from marriage (gggrrrr...); I had been with my dh at that point for about 3 years. He was okay with it and life went on. Skip 4 more years later and he starts to rethink he's ideas, mostly from parent pressure I think. Anyway, I decide that because he had made some changes for me (becoming veggie, staying in Boston), I could make a change for him. I proposed to him during a full moon on 8/15/00....wow that seems like so long ago now. I bought him a pocket watch and literally proposed (although I didn't get down on one knee). It was all very sweet -- although I must admit it is completely nerve racking, I was scared to death. It was crazy - we'd been together 8 years, I knew he would say yes, and still I couldn't sleep for 3 nights. It is fun to plan a big party that is just about the two of you...you could involve your son. Another option, my dh and I were each other's domestic partner for the years before our marriage for all the legal stuff. Good luck with it all. Let us know how it turns out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks everyone for the good advice and fun stories. My DP is on a two week camping trip with my son. So I can't ask him now, but I sure am thinking of it. I like the pocketwatch idea. I hope others tell there stories and opinions too. I love hearing it.

-Sweetymom
 

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If the idea of being proposed to feels right to you, you might consider a conversation just to let your honey know you're open to the idea of marriage. He may be interested in marriage too, but thinking you wouldn't consider it. Who knows? BTW, I love being married
 

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KarmaChameleon said:
BUT there is something really magical and spiritual about standing up in a room full of everyone you love and care for (and who loves and cares for you) and pledging your life to someone else. IMO it is not the same as being in a relationship with someone and simply being together forever as an assumption.
Maybe this is the issue. Do both of you assume you're committed just because you are together? Maybe you should discuss your relationship, and ask for a committment and pledge your own, not necessarily get married.

I just got married myself, but would have been happy dating my DH for the rest of my life! However, we do want kids together, and that was my main reason for getting married. Now, we're living apart (long story), and I'm glad we got married - it keeps us connected and committed. I often think of our vows when I'm missing him and it helps me know that we are in this together for life.
 

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I am divorced. I am also not christian in the traditional sense however I do think Christ was a pretty cool guy...

I want to remarry however our reasons for not marrying are different...we are from a small Island community and that is where we would like to marry...but it would have to be a christian marriage..no jp's there...we are looking into the legalities of having a sea captain marry us(his dad is one, my uncle is another, my dad was when he was alive as well) So unless we can come up with a non-religious way to marry in our home town we will maintain the status quo...but here in Canada common-law has the same rights and priviledges as marriages so that's not an issue...we just want to unite in front of our families and friends in our home town, on a boat or a cliff overlooking the ocean....

It's a spiritual thing and I think eventually our spirit wants it...that's why you are suddenly feeling like marriage...because you are so close to this other spirit you want to show it!
 
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