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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Continued from the Hope, Healing and Conceiving - April 2015 thread.

This thread is meant for anyone who wishes to conceive after a loss or is planning to conceive and/or needs support with healing after a loss. In other words, you don't necessarily have to be actively TTC in order to post here.

If you'd like to be added to the thread or want to change your information, please make requests in bold or PM me. If you have an online chart (TCOYF, Fertlility Friend) and would like it linked with your name on the list, post the link and add the icon in your post.

Healing and fertile vibes all around!

~ Waiting to O ~
t2009
1babysmom

~ Waiting to Know ~

~ Not not Trying ~

~ Waiting to Adopt ~

~ Oh Crumbs! I Don't Know What I'm Doing?! ~
ascher21
naturalmummy
LaurenB
Lizafava

~ Waiting with Special Circumstances ~
DungeonQueen
Azohri
Tenzinsmama

~ Recent BFPs! ~
May- MsBe

March- Loba

February- Meeba, Henalexa

October- radiowave

September- ememers

August- Wilhelmina

June- alivewithyou

~ In Our Thoughts ~

(If you're in this group, we haven't heard from you in a while. Stop by and give us an update if you can.)

Anna1979
Verdahekwi
laurela
unuselyriver
mcghee45baby
Sleepymama
MountainMama2Be
Melinda1980
bfw0729
rosie2727
ilovemykiddos
MountainMamaGC
gelato
lollie2357

Alivewithyou

Redmom
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
So I guess I couldn't stay away for too long. I'm so determined & yet feeling so hopeless. I feel like we waited too long to try for another & I'm simply paying the price for letting age get the better of me. Like I have no one to blame but myself--Even though we were not in a place where another was ideal, I feel like my stupid life choices prevented me from realizing what I *really* wanted & now it's too late. I was distracted & thought we only wanted the one, but then something opened up & I felt the space in my heart for another & it's just not happening. I feel *so* depressed that even if we are successful, our children will be so far apart in age--When we started TTC my son was 4 but now he's six & will be 7 by the time #2 comes, if we are lucky & get pregnant soon. And forget trying for a 3rd! I thought I'd want a 3rd but now if we're lucky I'll be 38 when we have number 2. I don't feel regret so much as deep sadness right now. I don't know how to move forward. I'm scared to get pregnant again. I'm terrified of not getting pregnant again.

My doctor (who I waited for for over an hour yesterday, mostly crying in the examination room) wants me to wait until my thyroid is normalized before trying & wants us to wait a cycle. I don't know if I can wait! I know we probably should but it's just crazy to me to not try right now. And what if my thyroid *isn't* within the normal range in a month!? I'm so desperate to get pregnant (especially before I turn 38 in the fall).

It's like I kept it together for my SIL's wedding last weekend but now I'm totally falling apart. And I just feel like there's nothing I can do. I've tried it all (acupuncture, diet, supplements...) & I feel it's all just a scam & makes no difference whatsoever. I didn't really feel attached to this last pregnancy (the miscarriage was so early) but I feel devastated in a new way--the numbers are stacked against me now. It's like everything I've read says your chances of a successful pregnancy just plummet after 3 losses. DH is much more positive about our chances, which I'm grateful for. And my doctor of course has no answers or even ideas really, even though she runs a recurrent loss clinic. I don't even want to go back there because it's so stressful explaining my situation every single time I go there. The nurse is lovely & gave me a big hug when she saw me but the place overall just stresses me out. I know you know what this is like @1babysmom, and I don't know how you continue on.

Sorry for the emotional brain dump but I'm just feeling at the end of my rope. :(

@azohri, how are you, dear? I am glad you had a decent experience with the OB, but I am sorry that she said she suspects infection as the cause of your 15 week loss. I feel so stupid & guilty thinking that my thyroid might have caused my first two miscarriages, but like you there's no way to know that at this point. I hope you can move past this & not dwell on it--You're right that no matter your past choices in terms of care it is possible that you'd still not have answers. But it does seem like we should have better choices for providers during miscarriage. At least you have found someone who will listen to you now & hopefully will be supportive down the road.

@ascher21, again, I'm so sorry that you are also struggling. I am really crossing my fingers for you this cycle, even though I know you're not feeling hopeful. I'm hoping that your blood work reveals an obvious answer (& one that is easily solved)--It's so hard to give so much blood & undergo all the tests & not have answers. I hope that the baby asperin helps, at least. Where are you DPO? It sounds like your still early in the TWW, right? If so, I'm sure absence of symptoms doesn't mean anything at this point. I hear you on spending too much on acupuncture, etc. with no results (in baby making or just feeling better), so it seems to make sense to cut back. But I hope you are able to take care of your needs somehow--We're totally here for you!

@1babysmom, I'm sorry you're going through so much, especially the loss of your friend & your close friend moving away. But it does sound like there was some good stuff mixed in there as well, which is good. I hope you can hold onto that. What a bummer that you didn't O when you thought this last cycle. Crazy with all of your symptoms, even the spotting?! So strange. I hope it's all back to normal & next cycle is successful. I hear you with the EMF's but I'm so drained right now I can fathom making any more changes. But I hope you can hardwire you home & that it makes a difference for you! I keep wireless devices away from me at night (& I'm trying to get my DH to remove his mobile but no luck so far) as I agree that it cannot be good. That's all I can do right now, though. And I'm sorry you are struggling with purpose & growing your family right now. :Hug I hope you have some clarity & can feel more relaxed about this process.

@DungeonQueen, how are you holding up? I've been thinking of you a ton & I hope you are recovering & feeling as good as you can at this trying moment. :Hug

Have I forgotten anyone? @tenzinsmama, how are you doing with your practicum?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
In addition to just letting us know what's going on in your life, please let me know (in bold if possible) where you are at in your cycle/TTC journey. I'll update the top post. Thanks!
 

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Thanks for starting a new thread, t2009. I'm heading up to bed shortly, but I'm thinking of all of you. We are going camping, then on a week trip to CA, then birthdays, then a short trip just me back home - so I'll be sporadic until late June but will check in when I can.

We are still on hold. The OB is going to run an infection panel (pending being sure the insurance will cover it, which I should hear back on tomorrow). I decided not to ttc this month just in case I need abx or something. Plus I have a bunch of travel in the next month and decided I'd rather not be pregnant or stressed about the 2ww, especially while on a short weekend trip all by myself for a cousin's wedding. If we are in the clear on test results and I ovulate after the trip, we might try next month. If not, the cycle after. I know by this point not to make any plans, but that means that we could possibly conceive a Spring baby, which I'm excited about. And terrified about.

I read this article today and thought it was really beautiful and resonated with how I feel: http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/05/because-of-you-2/

It's good to be reminded, over and over, that others have felt this brokenness and yet can eventually go on to find some sense of wholeness again.
 

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Well hugs, @t2009

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. My feeling hopeless is my depression talking, which my therapist reminded me of. It took me a month after my chemical for my hormones to normalize, so some of that is probably affecting you now (which is to say you might feel a little better after that happens). I totally understand you on the one child vs many front. The same thing happened to me my blighted ovum in 2014 was a surprise and during that pregnancy I kept saying "I'm not ready!!" And then the mc happened and suddenly I realized I did want another. And it took a while to figure out if it was me wanting to fix something broken or something I wanted: I waited 9 months to make sure. I think you can still have a family with children that far spaced out, I'm adopted but my sister is 10 years younger than me. If I had grown up in a more loving family no doubt things could have been very different. There are all kinds of families. Love is all you need.

And finally, I try to remember the stuff that has gotten better because my mc made me stop and look at my health. Like I'm finally working through all the childhood trauma and that will help me be a better momma to my son now and if I ever have another. I uncovered my vitamin d deficiency. I'm eating better. Those things matter, even if they are not directly making me pregnsnt, they are improving my life for the long haul. You might not have known about your thyroid if you hadn't had a mc.

It's ok to be sad too. And all of it. your thyroid and the mc's were not your fault. I hope some of this helps you, it's so much easier to tell others these things.

We are learning to live through heartache some people never experience and I can only hope it makes us stronger.
 

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Oh and I'm in my 2ww. Can't figure out how to bold that on my mobile. I'm 5 dpo
 

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Hmm, I was thinking this morning that the article I posted might have been upsetting since she talks about a rainbow baby, and none of us have any guarantees for the future. Sorry! The part that I resonated with, separate from whatever our pregnancy outcomes, was that it's normal to feel like the sky could fall at any time. This:

The lurking shadows and strange noises of the night, the house settling on its bones, my body readjusting to fear and cold – the world is vast, the world is huge and everything can end and hurt at any time.

Other times, the night is warm. I feel safe, cuddled together in our family bed. The light of the moon shines through the cracks in the blinds, and it brings me you. I feel you. Not as what could have been but never was, but as what you are. What we are: mother and daughter, separated by bodies, we come together in love.


And the idea that life is so precious, and so fragile. Perhaps there is good to come out of these losses, to savor and appreciate all the good things.
 

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Here's my chart this month if anyone wants to obsess with me. My body is notorious for showing mid lp signs and then nothing (like I had spotting at 9dpo last month). So this temp dip could just be some weird problem. Or the 98.5 could be inflammation. Who flipping knows. It sure looks pretty though. I'm all proud of my temp rise at ovulation. go lazy ovary!
 

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I am about 7dpo today. I am doing pretty well resisting the urge to test. I have only taken one so far, and that was yesterday (After my ectopic experience, I feel the need to test at least once early on just to ease my mind a bit, because with how dark my ectopic BFP was at 8/9dpo, I am sure I would have seen the line starting at 6/7dpo!).

So sorry for all the discouragement and disappointment around here. :(
@t2009- I am sorry you are feeling sad about the age gap, as well as the "don't know how much more of this I can take." I guess I am so desperate that I fear stopping more than continuing, but I do wonder what it'll do to me if I keep going and keep losing.

I have been thinking about this a lot too. I try to be encouraged by my history though. I think about how in 2011-2012 when I had the five consecutive losses including my most traumatic ones, the late MMC resulting in actual labor weeks later, and then the misdiagnosed ectopic and losing my tube after I thought I had already miscarried completely. If there was ever a time to assume I needed to quit based on my history, that was it. But if I had, I wouldn't have this precious little 2 year old snoring in the back seat of my car right now. So that keeps me going....Just the "what-if's" alone are enough to make me realize I could never call it quits on my own accord, no matter how emotionally drained I am. Even in my lowest lows I haven't ever been able to say I can't do it anymore. I know I have said in the past that I struggle knowing how to keep hoping, but I think I just realized that THAT is a form of hope for me- being scared of the possibilities the future holds, but not enough to quit. Does that make any sense?
@azohri- Glad you have a peace about waiting at this point. I feel similarly when we have certain events or travel in the near future. I think having had my first miscarriage ON vacation really ruined the idea of going anywhere in early pregnancy, for me. I hope you guys are cleared for next month and that all is well!
@ascher21- what you say about health is SO true. Miscarrying certainly does make you want to be your healthiest in hopes of a future pregnancy.
 

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I'm sorry I haven't had much to say lately, I'm dying on the inside, DH wont talk to me and nothing seems to be working out at home. My kids are getting ready to leave for the summer so I'm even more depressed then usual. I always read every-ones posts even if I don't always respond at least I know I'm not alone here. I'm hoping some of you mommas have some more positive news soon.
 

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Here's my chart this month if anyone wants to obsess with me. My body is notorious for showing mid lp signs and then nothing (like I had spotting at 9dpo last month). So this temp dip could just be some weird problem. Or the 98.5 could be inflammation. Who flipping knows. It sure looks pretty though. I'm all proud of my temp rise at ovulation. go lazy ovary!

Thats a great looking chart, hope it leads to a BFP!!
 

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@DungeonQueen I hope your hubby is just dealing with his feelings and not feeling angry at you. I'm sorry things have been off at home. Hugs for you. We are here for you, we support you, we know it is not your fault.
 

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So I think there may be something going on outside of my uterus. Around the time I has that temp dip my whole left side was achey, but achey in the groin area: the crease between your tummy and your leg. I was reading that there are lymph nodes there and it was tender. So unfortunately this feeling of "fullness" I've been experiencing with every ovulation, I'm a bit worried it might be something they haven't caught because it isn't in my uterus. The ache has gone away, but it is still a little sore there. I wonder if I should mention this to my RE prior to our meeting? It's a week from Monday. Not much can change in that time, I'm guessing. Although I might rest more easy if I knew my white blood cell count was normal.my uncle dealing with terminal cancer has me more worried, too, I guess.

I wish it was ovulation pain or implantation pain, but I don't think it is. That is usually very noticeable and quick, this was small and constant and burning. My armpits are always tender too, but I always thought that was from nursing.
 

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Wow, @ascher21! What step are you going to take next? I'm sorry you have this new thing looming over you...as if you need more to deal with. I hope it's nothing. Actually I REALLY hope that the lymph nodes have more to do with some minor illness your body is fighting off WHILE you had a little egg implanting in there!!! Praying for you!!!!
 

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So this is happening again....(not sure if it's even visible on the computer...I can only see it when I scroll to where the pic is at the top of the screen)

1st pic with the stupid cheapie test bubble (if it's not scratches or dents, now it's bubbles?! Sheesh) is of a test from about 30 minutes ago and it's actually much easier to see IRL, and the thing that surprised me was that I could begin seeing the line while it was still pretty wet. The 2nd pic shows a test from earlier today on the bottom (can't really see the top line in that pic, though). I'm about 8/9dpo, and IF this is the real deal, this is a typical test for me at this point. So I guess that tomorrow will tell. I'm pretty sure that based on my experiences, if it's not ANY more visible by tomorrow evening, I can count myself out for the long run.

Obviously you guys know that this could easily go either way (well, I guess that's not putting it accurately...it could easily go BADLY, but there's also a chance it could be good). I tested a couple times yesterday and *thought* I might see some lines trying to show up, then this morning I determined myself to be crazy. But then these two in a row, the 2nd showing up faster, and not even much of a squinter IRL.

On the same note, two days ago I got SUUUUUPER dizzy in the early afternoon. Mostly if I was standing or walking around, but even a bit while sitting. Lasted a couple of hours. My BP was fine, as was my blood sugar. Reading up a bit, I wonder if it may have been related to implantation? What do you guys think? Have you heard of that as well?

eta- Well, because I enjoy torturing myself, I just took another one (okay, I can't be the only POAS-aholic here so I'll just be honest...I dipped TWO. Have to compare for accuracy, right?). The line on the cheapie was visible again before the stick even whitened. That alone is a positive sign just based on the last 2 pregnancies I've lost since January. The other test was an older FRE I had (which I've never found to be as sensitive as cheap tests) and I *think* I can see a line on it, too, but barely...yet even that is progress as well, compared to my last two (which never showed ANY sign of a line on a mid-stream test). So again, I will see what tomorrow brings. I actually feel hopeful, which is HUGE for me. And at peace. Well, I think it's peace...could be numbness. I don't know.
 

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@1babysmom I'm going to call my re on Monday but I might call my doctor too. They will likely prescribe an u/s. it could be nothing. But I'd rather have a doctor tell me that.
 

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@1babysmom I hope that your tests get darker!
 

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@1babysmom I'm going to call my re on Monday but I might call my doctor too. They will likely prescribe an u/s. it could be nothing. But I'd rather have a doctor tell me that.
I hope it turns out to be nothing serious, maybe a pulled or tight muscle? But I agree it's safer to check it out just in case.
 

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So this is happening again....(not sure if it's even visible on the computer...I can only see it when I scroll to where the pic is at the top of the screen)

1st pic with the stupid cheapie test bubble (if it's not scratches or dents, now it's bubbles?! Sheesh) is of a test from about 30 minutes ago and it's actually much easier to see IRL, and the thing that surprised me was that I could begin seeing the line while it was still pretty wet. The 2nd pic shows a test from earlier today on the bottom (can't really see the top line in that pic, though). I'm about 8/9dpo, and IF this is the real deal, this is a typical test for me at this point. So I guess that tomorrow will tell. I'm pretty sure that based on my experiences, if it's not ANY more visible by tomorrow evening, I can count myself out for the long run.

Obviously you guys know that this could easily go either way (well, I guess that's not putting it accurately...it could easily go BADLY, but there's also a chance it could be good). I tested a couple times yesterday and *thought* I might see some lines trying to show up, then this morning I determined myself to be crazy. But then these two in a row, the 2nd showing up faster, and not even much of a squinter IRL.

On the same note, two days ago I got SUUUUUPER dizzy in the early afternoon. Mostly if I was standing or walking around, but even a bit while sitting. Lasted a couple of hours. My BP was fine, as was my blood sugar. Reading up a bit, I wonder if it may have been related to implantation? What do you guys think? Have you heard of that as well?

eta- Well, because I enjoy torturing myself, I just took another one (okay, I can't be the only POAS-aholic here so I'll just be honest...I dipped TWO. Have to compare for accuracy, right?). The line on the cheapie was visible again before the stick even whitened. That alone is a positive sign just based on the last 2 pregnancies I've lost since January. The other test was an older FRE I had (which I've never found to be as sensitive as cheap tests) and I *think* I can see a line on it, too, but barely...yet even that is progress as well, compared to my last two (which never showed ANY sign of a line on a mid-stream test). So again, I will see what tomorrow brings. I actually feel hopeful, which is HUGE for me. And at peace. Well, I think it's peace...could be numbness. I don't know.
The first one looks darker then the second to me on the computer at least.I'm not sure about the weird bubble, I've never seen a test do that. I always get the light headed/ dizziness around implantation and for the first few weeks of pregnancy I always figured it was normal. I hope this is a sticky one and the test get darker soon.
 
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