[RoseRedHoofbeats]

Oh wow, I cannot believe it's July. BYE JUNE DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE ASS ON YOUR WAY OUT!!!!

I told my mom about my second miscarriage. She was really sad for me and said I should have called her but she was nice about it. I'm going to stay with her for a couple weeks in Texas and I wanted her to know since I'll probably still be weepy and might get my first period while I'm there, which if it's anything like my first post-m/c period from last times, means I am going to be taking lots of hot baths and popping Vicodin.

I am hoping to take it easy this holiday weekend. All my stepkids are coming. If we can just avoid my FIL and MIL and pregnant SIL I'll be happy.

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

Me and DH are having such a hard time preventing. Both of us hate using the condoms, on principle and the way they feel, and whenever one of us in the mood the other one brings up condoms and then I start crying.

If I weren't still incapable of staying awake for longer than 12 hours at a time I would just say screw it. But I know my body's not ready and I'm fertile enough that it IS a possibility I'd get pregnant in this condition and that would be bad. And I am SO. TIRED. OF. SPOTTING. I am so tired of the smell of old blood. I've been spotting for THREE WEEKS and I want it to GO AWAY and have normal looking normal smelling discharge and then get my period with real blood that's actually red AND THEN I CAN HAVE NORMAL BABY MAKING SEX AGAIN. If I haven't got it in two more weeks (unlikely, I hope) I'm breaking out the ginger and parsley.

I want to be testing with everybody else. =(

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

I think I am having a such a hard time because I almost resent getting pregnant at all the second time. I didn't want to be and I didn't plan to be and I didn't even get to enjoy any of it at all and it just set me back at least a month and probably more like two or three, when if I had just gone off birth control like normal like I wanted to, this cycle would be my first fertile cycle and I WOULD be testing with everybody else, and it just sucks.

I don't even mind if I don't get pregnant right away. I really wouldn't. I just. Want. To try. I feel like I'm exactly where I was a year ago, before we even started trying to TTC. In September, I had my IUD out. In December, I got pregnant. In February, I miscarried. In April, I went on birth control, and sometime between then and May, I got pregnant. And then in June I miscarried again. I MEAN WTF?!?!?!

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

I'm really tender over my left ovary (ectopic was completely ruled out on ultrasound when I was at the ER so it's not anything scary) and debating going to the store for chocolate and an OPK. Seeing my pee make a stick do something exciting might be novel. Also then I can be sure that in a few days I won't need to worry about condoms.

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

My regular luteal phase is about ten days, so I try not to test until then. I haven't ever gotten a positive earlier than that.

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

Maxnmaizy- an ectopic nearly always bursts the tube by 8/9 weeks. Would you be that far along by now? You would know it, trust me. Cramps and tender ovaries and twinges as things go back to normal aren't a worrisome sign. How long it takes the hCG to washout of your system is really, really variable- it depends on when you stop making it completely and then how long it takes your body to metabolize it, etc. I would try calling a Planned Parenthood and asking if they can just check you out. It is really important to get a checkup 2-4 weeks after a miscarriage. It will be MUCH cheaper than having something retained and getting a uterine infection that requires you to be hospitalized.

I did some housework and yard work today- not a whole lot, maybe four hours? And I swear to God you'd think I gave birth to a ten pounder three weeks ago instead of having a m/c at 8 weeks. My flow got heavy and turned bright red and I used up a heavy pad. WTF?! And my uterus is like HAHA YOU'RE FUNNY SIT DOWN. I am just SO OVER THIS.

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

I'm so sorry for everyone. Please try and remember that MOST women will NOT get a positive until or even after their period is due. It ain't over till it's over.

Caleb'smommy- HUGS. That is how I feel about the baby girl my SIL is due with at the end of August. I wish more than anything I could just sit in a dark room with her and cry for a while.

Lydiah- I'm so sorry you had to go through that again. I know what you mean about just wanting to be barren and get it over with.

I'm about to kill everyone I live with. Everyone seems to have convientently forgotten that I am still physically recovering and IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE SOME HELP without people pissing and moaning about it.

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

Still bleeding a lot even though I took it relatively easy today- about a heavy pad every four hours. Went in for a blood draw to test my hCG. Praying TO GOD that I do not have to get a D&C after all this...

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

I find OPKs *much* better than charting as far as obcession is concerned.

Had normal baby-making sex with husband. I'm still bleeding and my OPKs are negative and if I didn't get laid without wanting to burst into tears I was going to go insane. I took a VERY nice three hour nap afterward, so it clearly did something for me. =P

Appointment with my midwife and results of my blood test tomorrow.

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

Well, my midwife appointment was great. My hCG is less than two so no retained tissue so NO D&C THANK YOU GOD. She thinks the bleeding is either from a scab that got loosened and hasn't clamped down yet, or it's my period acting funny because it's my first period from anovulatory miscarriage cycle, so who knows. She drew some more blood to test my iron and prolactin and thyroid and FSH. If I'm not completely done bleeding in two weeks then we'll do some more bloodwork and maybe supplement with something.

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

So hi everybody. I've been gone for a while. I had a PTSD-related breakdown and spent three nights in the hospital. Finally saw a really, really good psychiatrist who was VERY sympathetic about me wanting to conceive, got me set up for therapy twice a week, and says that once I'm not having panic attacks and can stop taking the Klonopin daily, I can TTC on the meds I'm taking now. I researched them myself and feel really good about their safety. I feel better than I have since my dad was diagnosed with cancer last fall.

What happened was just... everything. The ER was really traumatic for me with the pelvic exams and t/v ultrasound and I think it triggered me more than I realized. And then sex with my husband turned into a trigger as well, and I was just a basketcase. But I'm home now and I have a plan and I actually found a really awesome holistic therapist who does a lot of work with women who've had pregnancy loss. Check out her website- http://holisticbalancementalhealththerapy.com/ I emailed her and she already got back to me and said someone would call on Monday to schedule a consultation. I am so excited and feel like this is a real turning point for me.

Something interesting- I stopped bleeding my second day in the hospital. I'm having normal white discharge now, like I would after my period before I ovulate. Crazy.

Sorry this last cycle turned out to be such a bust for everyone. =( Maybe we've shook off the last bits of June and now we can have a better one!

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

Well GOOD! We needed some good cheer around here! *HUGS* to all.

I have an appointment with my new therapist on Friday. I talked to her on the phone and she seemed really nice. Wish me luck!

Also taking my daughter into daycare (for while I'm in therapy) for the first time tomorrow and am SUPER SUPER NERVOUS. The place is really nice and very AP-friendly but still! AHHH!

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

I cannot tell you (well okay I can, becaues you're y'all) how much I love not bleeding, and not wearing pantiliners, and getting to go commando again. Seriously. Bleeding for a mong straight? Got really really freaking old.

I'm considering myself CD 13- my best guess was that last bought of fresh bleeding was new lining that got shed and now we're back on track. Who knows. Just going with it. Not conceiving this cycle anyway so we'll just see when I bleed again.

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

Uhm.

I made a bad life decision.

Darn.

Me and DH had sex this morning. We just... did. It happened. I've had no fertile signs and no EWCM and nothing to indicate ovulation at all and I just REALLY WANTED TO HAVE SEX, OKAY?

My O stick has two lines. It's not positive, and I read it after ten minutes, BUT I've never had two lines and not ovulated very soon thereafter. And I've collected the sticks for several days at a time to compare and I never had a line pop up later.

While this is not technically a bad thing, I wasn't technically supposed to conceive yet. My iron is still low and I'm still on benzos (which are a D risk for fetal malformations) which I can stop taking right away but it would be a lot easier if I didn't have to and CRAP.

Not that I am guaranteed to conceive from this one time that happened before this theoretical ovulation, but still. It would rather fit the pattern of my life the past few months.

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

Okay.

I am retiring from being a grown up.

My daughter's dental crown fell off. For no good reason. Just. Fell off. She comes up to me and goes MY MOUTH and I'm like HOLY SHIT AHHHH. We stuck it back on and it's stayed and so they're going to see her first thing Monday but just SERIOUSLY?!?!?!! SERIOUSLY?!?! I needed this tonight?

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

Well, my O sticks totally turned positive last night/today, so I guess move me to waiting to know....

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Besides scared.

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

Had a much more positive OPK today so I am hoping that ovulation is still imminent and the further it happens from Saturday the better. I'm going to keep testing until the line disappears.

This is so fucked because I know I should be happy that I might be pregnant but the medication I'm on is a category X and if I want to stay out of the hospital I need to keep taking it. I just cannot believe I was so stupid. If I had been tracking CM/CP I would have known I was borderline fertile.

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

It's Restoril, a super strong benzo for insomnia and anxiety. It's giving me a normal, regular, 8 hour sleep cycle where I actually FALL ASLEEP without having to stay up 24+ hours at a time to where I'm so exhausted because the anxiety is so bad I can't slow down enough to sleep. I'm doing yoga and meditation now before bed, after I take the meds, so that I can retrain my brain that sleep is safe and my bed is safe (I was abused as a child and when I had to go to the ER, with the pelvic exams and t/v ultrasound..... it triggered me really bad) and then I take Klonopin as needed for panic attacks/flashbacks, and Zoloft for depression and OCD. I should be able to get off the benzos entirely within 2-3 months (IF I COULD GET MY INSURANCE TO APPROVE SOME FUCKING THERAPY) but I'm not there yet. I'm just not. I shouldn't have had sex at all much less unprotected and I'm wondering if I should get Plan B but I don't want to fuck with my hormones but I don't want to miscarry or cause birth defects either, and I sure as hell do not want to end up in a termination situation so I'm just.... FUCK.

I mean, I think I'm over-reacting. My OPKs are still positive so my LH is still surging which means I probably haven't ovulated yet. And I cannot believe I am here, after two miscarriages, hoping I'm not pregnant. FML.

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

Okay, I got a super strong positive on my OPK (could barely see the control line) and today is the first day of really goopy EWCM that I usually associate with ovulation, and 72 hours is on the outside chance, so I think I'm okay.

I wish I'd never gotten on this train. *sigh*

~Rose

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

Damn, OPK is STILL positive. Which is good!

*pats nice obliging lazy ovaries*

MA- I hear you about the creepy dreams. *hugs* They always weird me out after too.

~Rose