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Hi ladies,

I've been dealing with my own stuff and processing. I felt pretty low but feel back to feeling hopeful and stronger again. Just going to try and relax and go with the flow.

Sorry for all the BFNs so far! Yall are still very early! I got a BFN at 11 dpo with my daughter. I have had an early BFP but until then, I didn't believe they were possible for me. I'm hoping to wake up to a bunch of BFPs tomorrow!!!

I've mellowed way out on the testing. Still getting BFNs each morning though. Had a bit of pink spotting yesterday and pink CM tonight. I think that means AF is on her way. I did get my progesterone results back and they were 17.9 - so right where they should be for taking meds. I am a bit surprised to be spotting by day 10 - thought I'd have a normal luteal phase with high progesterone numbers. But I looked back on some of my old charts and I have had spotting a number of days before AF has arrived - so she could still be a day or 2 away - so I can still end up with a 12 day luteal phase (today is the end of day 11). 12 days is normal I guess. I've pretty much given up all hope of being preg this month.

Cindy
 

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Temp down this am, so I didn't bother to test. It isn't actually below the coverline, but my chart doesn't look tripahsic anymore, and I often have a drop to the coverline one day, and then below the next (when AF shows up). The thing I am most upset about is that AF showing tomorrow would mean not only am I not pg this month (I was mostly assuming I wouldn't be), but also if after two good cycles, my LP is short this time, we may need to prevent again next month while we try to figure out what is going on with my hormones. This month we decided to "see what happens" rather than actually prevent, because the last two cycles were good. But, my naturopath really wanted to see three healthy cycles in a row before really actively TTC.
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Of course, especially after reading M Anna's link about when BFPs show, I am finding myself trying to hope again and rationalize away the temp dip this am.

Gemmine-given the rollercoaster my temps have me on this month, only temping a few times in the LP seems like a really good idea. If I had done that I wouldn't have seen "triphasic" and started to get my hopes up. And, I wouldn't be obsessing about the dip today. I think I am going to try that approach next cycle and see if it makes me less crazy.

Calebsmommy-good luck, I hope you have good news in the morning. I am seriously impressed with your will power, waiting 4 days between testing, especially when you are past when you expected AF to show. Way to set a rational example for some of us obsessive early testers
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BFN. *sigh*

But my temp is nice (I discarded the 99.66 - have no clue what that was but it can't be legit). I'm going to wind up with one of those beautiful triphasic patterns....that just falls off the cliff and AF comes. I'm 11 DPO so I'm not totally giving up. I hope we'll see some BFPs soon too. Sorry this is so self-centered.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/358b81
 

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MAnna - chart still looks good, esp. when you get rid of the weird # there. Fingers crossed.

Calebsmommy - I hope to have your willpower with testing; as I don't know my cycle pretty much at all, I have no idea when AF is coming (other than a guess), so I'll probably just try to wait as long as possible.

AFM - temp dip this AM. Did not sleep well/much last night though. I'm trying to not freak out about this. Read a little bit about implantation dips but trying not to obsess. Tomorrow's another day, right? Basically I'm just waiting until I'm at least 12-14 dpo to test if there's no AF; and just waiting to hear news from you guys!
 

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MatuskaAnna- Hang in there:) RE suggests to wait until 12dpo to test at home, but I'm sure there are a million different opinions out there. I TRY to wait until then, but it's usually too hard to wait that long..hahaha! Don't count yourself out just yet, keep testing, you may get your BFP:) FX! This journey isn't easy for anyone, though many of us have traveled different roads, we are all now in this situation together. HUGS! I'm soooo sorry you are going through this difficult time right now, but one day we will ALL have our rainbow! Take time to feel sad, it's ok....HUGS again!
 

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Attention: Selfish post with some whining. Beware. I want to scream. Another BFN...
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WTH? So, if I was right in my prediction of Oing I think I am 14-18 dpo. Can there seriously still be hope, or is my body just playing tricks? I had ONE cycle 6 months ago that was 36 days, the rest normally are 30-32. I just need to know I'm pregnant or get my period. I hate waiting and being in limbo. I've been refraining from drinking (not that I do too much, but I like a beer/wine/cocktail here and there) and cut down on coffee, no easy task...especially the drinking now that its the holiday weekend! I'm going to a party later, the host always makes killer vodka lemonade smoothies...I don't want to have one because I want to believe I am pregnant. GRRR. I know some people will drink until the stick says your positive, but with losses before I just don't know. One would probably calm my nerves.

This is related in part and because I need to talk a bit and you ladies will understand. My best girlfriend had her baby friday. I went to see her in the hospital yesterday. Her pregnancy didn't bother me. She is my best friend, and I am so incredibly happy for them. As soon as I saw her and her baby tears started gushing down my face uncontrollably. I've longed to hold (my) newborn in my arms for so long, it just felt so good to hold him. She delivered at the hospital I did. I didn't think it would be hard going in there, but it was. My labor was 47 hours, 3 hours of pushing ending with an emergency c-section because DS's head was slamming into my pelvic bone causing him to swell. They had no success in turning him. The labor and delivery were awful and traumatic in itself. One day after being born the nurse said she thought something wasn't right. They took him in for observation and saw he was having seizures. He had scans, lumbar punctures, blood work, etc. They had no idea what was going on. In front of DP and I, they were discussing what the "mass" on his brain could be: a tumor, an infection? It was horrible. They finally said it was necessary to transfer him to a NICU that could help him. Long story short, he had stroke within 72 hours of being born which caused a golf ball size portion of damage to his left parietal lobe. Today, at age 3, you would not know he had such a traumatic start. We are in the very blessed 50% that had no long term damage, even in the smaller % of people who have no residual problems at.all. I of course, remember most of it very vividly...it all hit my yesterday when walking into that same maternity hall that I paced up and down waiting for answers on my newborn baby. The same ward that a nurse looked at me with sad eyes and said, oh, you are the one with the sick baby. The same ward that I thought my baby was going to die. I don't ever want to go back again.

Okay. That is me today, in a nutshell. I'd like to crawl in a hole, but instead I'm going to finish my iced espresso, get dressed, go to the farmers market with DP and then pick DS up from his grandparents and go to a party. I'm going to try to hold my head high and pray for the best.

Thank you for listening (reading). I feel better.
 

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calebsmommy25: I'm so sorry. Going back to the "scene" is sometimes so hard. And I wish I had something I could tell you about your cycle. It's ok to vent - you're having a rough time. Gotta start getting everyone ready for church now - will light a candle there for you - and for all of you ladies. (((hugs)))

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calebsmommy: *hugs*
 

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I am 99% sure that I just had my 5th loss today. I was camping so I could not get a test to confirm it. AF was due Thurs or Fri, and I started bleeding today. I was nauseas, dizzy, and my boobs were tingly, just like all my other pregnancy losses. I have never had a 16 day LP. I still have Pg symptoms today, but I am bleeding like a stuck pig.

I dont think I will every carry another pregnancy to term ever again. I am so crushed, I could jump off a cliff. I tried to kill all hope but when AF didnt show I started daydreaming about Lilly's new brother or sister. I couldnt help it. I am such a fool.
 

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Christine, what is up with that cycle indeed?! I don't know what to think either. Did you feel pretty sure about when you O'd?

And I'm sorry about the hard trip to the hospital. Places like that will definitely bring you straight back to all of those emotions. And then the time since then has been filled with so much grief for you, so holding your newborn surely taps back into that too. Wishing you some peace & healing in all this.

MAnna, I really was wishing for good news today! We are travelling and I logged in with hubby's iPhone this morning in bed to check on you. My temps were still high despite that bfn. Though I stopped temping after that 13 dpo.

AFM, I am now actually a day late and have just had a brown spot or two, but I assuming it's just coming. Would rather just get it going, so I can stop stupidly hoping the HPT was wrong, lol. Why do we make ourselves so nuts?
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Oh, Lydiah, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. I hurt for you. (((hugs))) Don't try to come to long-lasting conclusions today. Today is enough to handle on its own. I'm so sorry...
 

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Lydiah
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. It is so hard not to hope. In fact, I think if I ruled out all hope, I would just sink into the (sometimes tempting) numbness of depression. And, I've also learned that not being excited/hopeful doesn't make it hurt any less. I am so, so, sorry.

MAnna, sorry about the BFN, I was really hoping that you would have a BFP to report.

Calebsmommy,
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I'm glad you've managed to feel happy for your friend, but I understand about still feeling your own grief response. For me it is like my happiness for a friend's pregnancy really has nothing to do with my grief and feelings of loss. Which is good, because at least I don't hate them for having healthy pregnancies and newborns, but otoh, being present and involved in their baby moments hurts like crazy. Having a crazy cycle on top of that is really the last straw too. One possible explanation would be that this is actually an annovulatory cycle. I know when I have had annovulatory cycles, if I had only been going by CM I would have thought I O'd, and that AF was late, when really I hadn't even O'd yet. And, my annovulatory cycles were often much longer than my regular cycles, (like 40 and 60+ days).

AFM, my temp was back up to the triphasic looking high this AM, so I (foolishly) started hoping again, even though I intuitively feel that this month isn't "it." And BFN. I know the box says that 83% of women test BFP at 3 days before AF, which technically means that 17% of women would get a false negative at this point, but I am really not feeling it. I need to just step away from the tests and wait for AF to show on Wed/Thursday.
 

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Lydiah: I'm so sorry. Forgive me if you've gone into this before but have you seen a specialist? Have they done any tests for anything? My thoughts are with you, just try to take it one day at a time.
 

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I am so sorry everyone. I don't even know what to say. This is a really bad start to the month. I'm sorry Lydia and Caleb's mommy. This is just a really tough time for you both.

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I'm so sorry for everyone. Please try and remember that MOST women will NOT get a positive until or even after their period is due. It ain't over till it's over.

Caleb'smommy- HUGS. That is how I feel about the baby girl my SIL is due with at the end of August. I wish more than anything I could just sit in a dark room with her and cry for a while.

Lydiah- I'm so sorry you had to go through that again. I know what you mean about just wanting to be barren and get it over with.

I'm about to kill everyone I live with. Everyone seems to have convientently forgotten that I am still physically recovering and IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE SOME HELP without people pissing and moaning about it.

~Rose
 

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Guys - I'm so sorry things are so down for everyone right now! I'm hoping there will be some good news on the horizon, don't know what to say....other than I'm thinking of you all.

I don't want to add to the not so great news, but I'm spotting. Started having cramps this afternoon, and some very light spotting in the last hour. Don't know if it's AF since I used to have 35 day cycles and that's what I plugged into FF for my first month of charting. If this is AF, it's CD 31. But, I never start a cycle with spotting, it usually just starts at virtually full flow. Honestly, could be that I'm out, and FF was wrong about my O date because I put in the wrong length of time for a cycle because I haven't had a period for a year because I've been pg and went through a full 9 month pregnancy that ended 4 months ago...so I'm frustrated. Currently not too emotionally upset, other than I was hoping to have something to plan for.
 

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I'm sorry everyone. What a bummer of a start to this month! I hope it ends much better than it's beginning.
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Lydiah- I'm sooo sorry! I've had 6 losses (1 before DD and 5 in a row after her)...my last one was the hardest bc I just thought that there was NO way that I could have another and we heard the heartbeat, everything was good...long story short, I was feeling VERY depressed for a few weeks after that one, it's so hard and like Matuska Anna said, don't try and make any decisions or anything right now...just take some time for yourself, let your feelings flow. All I can say is that I was sitting in a very similar situation in April, I cried my eyes out for days in a row and thought I would never put myself through this again...well, here I am now, I'm soooooo ready to have baby #2......now I feel hopeful that it will happen. Hugs to you! I am so sorry you are going through this, it's just not fair!

Calebsmommy- Hugs to you too! You are a strong woman and your son sounds amazing! I loved reading your story, what an inspiration! Thanks for sharing.

My cousin just had a baby on Friday - it was a very traumatic birth, the baby actually got stuck (he was 9lbs 9ozs), her OB pushed some emergency button and a crew of 10 nurses/docs ran in the room....2 nurses climbed in the bed with her and pushed on her tummy while the doc was elbow deep...when they pulled him out, he was blue and not breathing....they were able to revive him and other than some tendon and nerve damage to his right shoulder, he is doing great now.They think he will need some physical therapy (he can move his fingers, but can't move his arm). It felt good to hold him, what a miracle! Holding him definitely re-affirmed the fact that I am crazy enough to keep trying:) The journey may not be easy, but the prize is soooo worth it!
 
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