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Hoping my husband doesn't let me down!

885 Views 18 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  HarperRose
With my first pregnancy, I did research, but I could have done more. I was lucky that both the pregnancy and birth were relatively easy. I had a great doctor and they administered my DD's first bath, measurements etc in the room we were in.

This time around, I've done more research, and we live in a new state (Texas) so we went on a maternity tour (my hubby is not comfortable with home birth/etc and I am okay with hospitals). I was shocked when they informed me that they take my babe away for "about an hour". Immediately, I asked "WHY?" (my hubby said I sounded snotty and jumped in quickly to say "Is it necessary to take our baby away for an hour?" (but I was thinking, "No, WHY are you taking my baby away for so long so early after birth?"

I get the standard answer "So we can measure him, give him a bath or a bottle but your husband can go with us while we attend to him".

This was new for me (I've heard it is a standard procedure for hospitals to whisk babies away, but I didn't have to deal with that with number one). I explained to my hubby later "Why would they need him for an hour? He's NOT getting a bottle and why can't they weigh him etc in our room?" It totally bothers me. Not to mention that our son is NOT going to be circumcised...I don't want any early retractions, etc.

I am totally revising my birth plan to include all sorts of things that cover these bases, but my husband has not done any research.....his ability to go with the flow just pisses me off because I am afraid that I will write in block letters on my birth plan "NO BOTTLE, NO CIRCUMCISION, NO RETRACTION, etc" and when he leaves with our son while they have him, I'm afraid that he will be swayed by "Well, the doctor said this was necessary" argument and that our son will be retracted, vaxed or something that I specifically was against.

My hubby is like "Oh, they won't do (fill in the blank) and thinks I'm being paranoid, but s**t does happen, right? The thing is, when HE truly believes in something,he is totally the strong personality and will put his foot down and he doesn't mind conflict. BUT I can totally hear a nurse or whoever say "No, we've got to check his penis for (whatever) reason" and then totally rip him open....

I don't mean to sound as if I don' t have faith in my husband, but he DOESN'T research and I just hope he sticks to the birth plan because ITS IMPORTANT TO ME and I won't be there!

In any case, he may be right....things may go totally smooth and he will not have any issues to contend with and he can call me a total worrywort, that everything was perfect, and my son will be back in my arms within 10 minutes.

I go into this birthing process with a little more apprehension than I did the first time, but I think its because I am more aware. I've tried to talk to my hubby about my concerns, but like I said, he's so much more go-with-the-flow
and just has more faith in the system than I do. I have no idea if I've stressed the importance enough for some of these matters to him (like the retracting and he just says "Yes, yes, yes, but is he really HEARING me?!)

Okay, I'm semi-done worrying.
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Um. Say no. Just say no. They can NOT take your child without your permission. OR, if you won't be able to argue right after birth, then don't go to that hospital. Find another one where you are more comfortable with the routines. If you don't advocate for yourself, there's no gaurantee that you'll get what you want. There isn't anyway, but why test fate, you know?...
Okay- I understand it's different elsewhere, but birth in TX hospitals is bad bad bad. Really.

Seriously consider educating your husband on out of hospital birth.

What you've seen is the tip of the iceberg.

-Angela
DO NOT allow them to take your baby away! A separation like that can have an impact that lasts a lifetime.

At the very least, have a doula present with you to help reinforce the fact that you do NOT consent to any separation.

But I'm afraid that you're in for many other problems, with a hospital that still thinks that frivolous separation of mother and newborn is just peachy keen.
: Goodness knows what other crap is routine there. Stirrups and tied to the bed? No food or water? Pitocin for everyone? Mandatory episiotomy?
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Shouldn't that stuff be the signal to run far and fast? There is NO WAY I'd ever allow anyone to do ANYTHING to my child without my full express consent. No way at all. You're employing them, they're not there to tell you what will happen to your own child. If the hospital seriously think that's their right, you are not safe there for anything else and neither is your child. If you want a homebirth, have one. As soon as dh is pregnant let him go to the hospital.
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I agree with the other posters. I would NEVER NEVER let them take my baby away for no reason.
: It's completely ridiculous - why would they even need to do that? I would run away from that hospital (all hospitals, really - I think it's far too risky to set foot in one if you don't have a true medical need) as fast as I could go.

Good luck!

hapersmion
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thanks for the posts, ladies.I am 35 weeks already, so I am not sure how much time I have left. I've looked at other hospitals, and I guess its the "norm" in this area....even the area where I used to live (and it was pretty granola-ish), which surprised me when I spoke to other mamas from those areas.....guess I was relatively lucky the first time through.

I can start looking elsewhere, but time is running out....we are in no position for hiring a midwife. I am going to request that they do the measurments in the room...but I am going to be pretty firm with the rest of the stuff and make sure my husband enforces it. I understand why many of you think this is a red flag issue, but I also don't want to start panicking and assuming that everyone employed at hospitals are out to do harm against my baby....I guess I've heard stories on both sides of the fence with bad midwives, etc, so at this point, I guess I am leery when it comes to being in anyone's total care.

I also don't want to think that separating a mom and baby can impact a baby for a lifetime...there are times when things do go wrong (like for a few of my friends) and there was a separation....if I think in absolute terms like that, I will go crazy!

I am scheduled to have another maternity tour at a different hospital....I am going to see how different this hospital is and their policies (I've heard better reviews from other mom's) so I am hoping there will be more accomodations for people like myself! But I am going to keep looking....
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If you can't trust your dh to stand up for your wishes regarding your baby's care, can you find someone you do trust? You might be able to find a doula who would specifically follow the baby (if you're separated) and insist your directives be followed exactly or they get an override from you for any changes to your directives. Many of them aren't so awestruck by the medical professionals' SOPs.

You could also put out word in LLL, and independent CBE circles of what you're looking for. Maybe a midwife apprentice or midwife/doula/cbe wannabe would be willing to step in and help you out for more birth experience..

~BV
You might post your location and see if anyone has any suggestions.

-Angela
That is a really great suggestion....but I sheepish to say that most of the lack of faith is really from me....I am probably not giving my hubby enough credit. I am actually thinking that after I officially whip up the birth plan, that I go over it in detail with him and see how he responds. He's interested in what I have to say, but you know how sometimes the saying goes "If you want anything done right, do it yourself?" so maybe I am NOT giving him enough credit. However. So I'm off to update my birth plan....and to call the other hospital to verify procedures....and to post on a local mother's group to see how their experiences were.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bryonyvaughn View Post
If you can't trust your dh to stand up for your wishes regarding your baby's care, can you find someone you do trust? You might be able to find a doula who would specifically follow the baby (if you're separated) and insist your directives be followed exactly or they get an override from you for any changes to your directives. Many of them aren't so awestruck by the medical professionals' SOPs.

You could also put out word in LLL, and independent CBE circles of what you're looking for. Maybe a midwife apprentice or midwife/doula/cbe wannabe would be willing to step in and help you out for more birth experience..

~BV
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Quote:

Originally Posted by courtenay_e View Post
Um. Say no. Just say no. They can NOT take your child without your permission. OR, if you won't be able to argue right after birth, then don't go to that hospital. Find another one where you are more comfortable with the routines. If you don't advocate for yourself, there's no gaurantee that you'll get what you want. There isn't anyway, but why test fate, you know?...
:

There is nothing they need to do they cannot do in your room. In WA they do everything in your room in front of you. There is no reason for it. If it helps your DH point out that your child's risk of being kidnapped increases as soon as that baby leaves your sight. DH said there was no way he would allow someone else to take DD out of our sight for that very reason. That is how most babies are kidnapped and it is often done by hospital employees.
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I quite agree with you....and I will bring up the safety thing as an issue. Supposedly, they have those baby "Lo-Jack" systems (thats what my hubby calls them) that they have to wear around a foot, but I've heard that sometimes they don't work. I just had a talk with a friend who's first son was gone long enough that she had to tell her husband "Um, can you go find our son?" so once again, I was surprised that this is so common in hospitals. I know my husband will be with our son, but I am definately going to ask if he needs to leave the room, can the measuring, etc be done in our room, pretty please? I am hoping that this other hospital that we are looking into is more accomodating!
You don't ask. You tell.

Your baby. Your choice.

-Angela
My baby was taken out of my room very briefly, for like 15 minutes, because at the hospital I went to they do their hearing tests in another room (that is very quiet to make the test easier). My husband went with them and he knew what to say. If we'd had a boy I would have forced myself out of bed to go too because I've heard of babies "accidentally" being circumcised. But even with a girl, I didn't want her getting the Hep B vax, and I've heard of them being given bottles and pacifiers, and I've even heard from a nurse who works at the hospital we went to that they sometimes do that, particularly pacifiers but also sugar water, *knowingly against the parents' wishes* because they think they NEED to to keep the baby quiet and they don't think it's a big deal. I thought a hearing test was a likely place to try to keep her quiet, and my husband said that they asked him three times if they could give our daughter a pacifier so thank goodness he went. Also the nurse told me that they sometimes keep the babies longer to give the mom "time to rest" and they often give bottles of formula when they do that.

Like I said, I know a nurse who works at the hospital, and she told me that nurses are given a list of things to check off after a baby is born. They are under a lot of pressure from the hospital to get that list CHECKED OFF. Their priority is to keep the hospital happy, not you, so if you have things on the list you don't want checked off, you need to make sure someone follows. Also, everything is done for their convenience and if the baby makes noise and you aren't there, I promise something will be put in the baby's mouth. Third - mistakes happen and if you are doing (or not doing) anything against the norm, say not circumcising or whatever, there is the potential for that to happen.
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One other thing I thought of - when you have a baby you are instantly that baby's parent. You wouldn't send your one-year-old or 5-year-old off for an hour to have tests without you. Why would you send a one-day-old off without you?

Given that they even said that they might give a bottle I'd be very concerned. My nurse friend also told me that nurses have incentives to use formula, like the more bottles of formula they open the better the reward from the formula company is. With the set-up you described, I bet every baby taken away is given some formula. They can open up a new bottle for each baby so each baby wouldn't have to drink much for them to rack up points if they're giving some to each. Especially if the baby is gone for a whole hour. At some point, they're going to want to quiet the baby by putting something in the baby's mouth, and they get rewards for using formula. Do the math.

Good luck!
when ds was born i'd already gone over the birth plan a few times with dh. he knew perfectly well what was and wasn't acceptable. he could rattle off the list in his sleep.
right after the birth i was busy bleeding too much and fainting so i wan't involved in what was going on at all. they never took ds out of the room but they did give him eye drops and vit. k with dh standing right there. he never even noticed the vit. k and was about to intervene when he saw them administering eye drops, but they'd already done one and so he let them do the other.
basically, he was exhausted and disoriented from the chaotic birth and was in no position to supervise what was going on with ds.
this time around even if i'm passed out they aren't allowed to weigh, measure, clean up, or do ANYTHING to the baby until a few hours after the birth when i can supervise. there's nothing they do that can't wait a few hours.
i don't blame dh for letting ds down, given the circumstances. but i won't let it happen again.
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I wasn't going to let them take my son without my hubby next to him....I hope everyone understands that. I was just grimacing at the fact that I wish it was ME going with my son because I just want to make sure things are done according to my birth plan (my hubby....he may not be as aware).

Mamazee, thanks for your post....I wanted to hear all those things from someone who has gone the hospital route and also had to enforce issues. My hubby doesn't believe that some boys get "accidently" circumcised...although, I did talk to my doctor and she immediately said "No problem" meaning, SHE wouldn't be circumcising, but yeah, I won't let my baby go without my hubby going with him. He knows better about the sugar water, and other things but I SO want to make sure that he better be Eagle Eye Dad and make sure no one retracts him, etc according to the birth plan.

And josybear, thanks for your input as well. If this other hospital I am checking also takes the newborn, you are right, I didn't think that maybe I should make them wait and supervise things myself along with my hubby.
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Regardless of what hospital policy is, you don't have to consent to them leaving the room with your baby. You don't even have to make it a trust issue when you talk to your dh or the staff, just tell them that the baby is going to stay in the room with you and anything they need to do (that you're willing to have them do), they can do there with you.
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Quote:

Originally Posted by alegna View Post
Okay- I understand it's different elsewhere, but birth in TX hospitals is bad bad bad. Really.

Seriously consider educating your husband on out of hospital birth.

What you've seen is the tip of the iceberg.

-Angela
Yes, what Angela said. Even in the small town where we had ds. I passed out for 4 hours after my birth. That was 4 HOURS that my baby didn't have ME, that he didn't get breastfed, that he got a bath and a shot and a sugar-water bottle. Granted, I was completely passed out due to extreme blood loss (due to an unnecessary induction, an unnecessary episiotomy, an unnecessary vacuum extraction, etc) but still, I didn't see my son till he was 4 hours old. Aside form those few minutes. They *did* weigh him in room, but that was it.

Angela and I speak from experience - we both live in different TX cities.
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