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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi Everyone,<br><br>
I just got off the phone with my dp who says that the fact that there is sand from the park in the living room and bathroom means that I don't listen to him and don't love him. He has asked me a few times to remember to empty our ds' shoes after playing in the park. Well, I remind myself to do it, but somehow forget sometimes, and when giving ds a bath I realized that I had forgotten and tried to get as little sand as possible on the floor. I am forgetful. I get distracted. Dp says that I am a grown woman and he does not believe that I just forget - I choose to forget, he says.<br><br>
He rides me on everything that I do wrong. However, his view is that all of these little things can just be done correctly and we would have peace in the household. I see that. But I also think that if he didn't make such a big deal of the little things we would have a peaceful household. Is it possible that subconsciously I forget things around the house just to get back at him because I am mad at his lack of tolerance, when I feel I am very tolerant of him and his messes?<br><br>
I know that I should do everything 100%, and should really curb any laziness that I do have. But part of me feels that I do lots as it is, and that I don't need to be perfect. Is this just laziness? Any feedback is greatly appreciated.<br><br>
Thank you.
 

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I have been right where your DP is! I have also, regarding one particular behavior, been where you are. Here's what I recommend:<br><br>
Apologize. You did this after he had asked you not to. The fact that you didn't MEAN to do it again should be put aside for the moment. You did this, you know it upset him, and you are sorry. You are sorry that he feels unheard and unloved, because you didn't intend for him to feel that way.<br><br>
Next, explain that you are having trouble remembering to empty the sand before going into the house. You ARE TRYING, but you're having trouble with it, and it will take you a while to get it right 100% of the time. Ask him to please be patient. Maybe he has an idea of how you can remember to do it.<br><br>
Then, try to do better, and when you do spill sand, clean it up as quickly as possible. If he is home when you spill sand and you can't get to it immediately, say, "Sorry about the sand; I'll clean it up as soon as I ___." so he knows you are aware of it.<br><br>
Meanwhile, keep an eye out for messes DP makes and ignores. DON'T bring them up when discussing the sand ("Oh yeah? Well, YOU always...") but instead choose another time to tell him that you would like him to clean up this mess and avoid leaving that type of mess in future. Tell him using the kind of words and tone you wish he would use when complaining about the sand.<br><br>
HTH! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I'm messier than my dp too. He is pretty laid back about it, but does get annoyed with asking me 100 times to put the cap back on the toothpaste when I am done.<br><br>
My own brand of equality is to make deals. "Ok, I will make a good faith effort to put the cap back on after brushing if you make a good faith effort to put your cds back in their case after listening." That way we are BOTH working toward the most optimal living environment rather than just me trying to remember to do all the stuff he wants me to do, stuff that I don't really care about. It gets rid of any possiblity of subconscious resentment while also reminding him that it is hard to remember to do something that doesn't bother you if it is not done.<br><br>
Or you can just say "Don'y lay your trip on me, man."<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hippie.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hippie"><br><br>
Good luck
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by yaay1</i><br><b><br>
He rides me on everything that I do wrong. However, his view is that all of these little things can just be done correctly and we would have peace in the household.</b></td>
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He should look in the mirrior while saying that. By you partner riding you about such nit picking things is causing there to be a lack of peace in the household.<br><br>
If it where me I'd tell him to take a hike till he grows up a bit and stops trying to micro-manage.<br><br>
Sand on the floor give me a break, big deal.
 

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I hate sand so much.<br><br>
I like mud on the floor better than sand.<br><br>
I like kitty litter on the floor better than sand.<br><br>
I like freakin PLAYA DUST IN EVERYTHING I OWN better than sand.<br><br>
I hate sand.<br><br>
I still forget to have the kids dump their shoes sometimes.<br><br>
Your DH needs to chill.<br><br>
Make a big sign for your front door that says "Did you dump shoes?'<br><br>
Also buy a Dustbuster.
 

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alright urklemama!<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jammin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="jammin"><br><br>
Sometimes I gently remind dh that if he were home more & participating more, he too would forget to clean up on occasion. It's easy to walk in from the outside world and see 10 (or 100) things that aren't being done in the cleanest or most efficient manner. Raising children is messy.
 

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Dustbuster is the solution, yeah!<br>
Also buy a TRex (from Pensare) in case of any spills in the carpet, lol).<br>
My dh is also like yours and I think I forget things more when he insists on the topic.<br>
You don't NEED to be perfect just to do your best and sometimes with kids it doesn't show at all.<br>
Hope things will calm down over there <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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You know it is funny. When I read your posting I was already on my own little path in our house. I had some things come up personally and with dp that kind of pissed me off and just threw me off in general.<br><br>
but then I watched this show on PBS about 9/11 and well.... nothing seemed that big to me. Dh watched it too and we both naturally chilled on the things that were bothering us. It all seemed pale.<br><br>
take the next 48 hours to watch some of the stuff. Sand on your part and nagging on your husbands part will seem small. At least for this week. In the meantime, it is probably just your dh's way of trying to control his world...which suggests to me he might be nervous or scared about something else in his life. That's when we are our most controlling. There, I saved you about $100 in therapy.<br><br>
hugs
 

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If your DH equates your forgetting to empty your child's shoes with not loving DH, then DH has issues FAR greater than messy sand here and there.<br><br>
He needs a reality check.<br><br>
Good luck!<br><br>
Mel
 

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I second Gurumama, forgetting to dump sand does not equal not loving someone, kids are messy and perfectionism is not going to be achieved. He has serious issues here.
 

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He seriously says you dont love him because of sand?<br><br>
He needs to chill is right. I mean, he has nothing better to do that worry about sand from the playground, sand he most likely doesnt vacuum or sweep up? I can assure you my husband would never even think of complaining about sand, because one he doesnt think about it, and two, he knows me and wouldnt like what he would get should the subject ever be brought up.<br><br>
Sounds like a bit of a control issue going on.<br><br>
I hate sand too, but spilled sugar is worse IMO!
 

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As someone who has the same problem as your dh, perhaps I can offer a little insight? My dh does things(or doesn't do them) that I specifically ask him to do. At first it was not a big deal, hahaha, please try next time, was always my approach. But, after a certain point, it just starts to feel disrespectful of me. My time, how hard I work around our home, how little I actually ask him to do here to help me, me as a mother and caretaker of him and our home, doesn't feel appreciated. In fact, it feels like it's a big joke that I mop the floors of our home every few days and he doesn't understand that he really needs to wipe the little drip of pee(<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="EEK!"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused">: ) that ALWAYS lands on the bathroom floor. For all kinds of reasons(up to and including the ick factor), it makes me crazy. But mostly because it ends up feeling like what I do is not important to him.<br><br>
I don't know if that is what your dh is dealing with, but that is my perspective on why is really is such a big deal to take care of the little things your partner asks of you. Even if you don't see what the big deal is<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> Good luck working everything out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks everyone for your feedback. I agree with most of you that he is totally overreacting and that there is really something else going on if my not cleaning sand is for him proof that I don't love him.<br><br>
Of course, to argue with him does not solve the problem that he thinks I don't listen to him, so I have to handle it a bit differently (thanks for your perspectives envirobecca & mamalisa). I think that just expressing my frustration on this forum helps a lot, and hearing many of you say "give me a break!" which echoes what I'm feeling relieves me of the need to get angry with dp. Sometimes my friends who are a great support system, side with me a bit too much and I feel like they judge my dp for his faults - of which he has many, but I know I love him and must patiently work with him just as I do with myself.<br><br>
Thank you all so much. I may be posting here more often <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> !
 

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My ex used to get pissed if I would walk right past these tiny little infinitesimal specks on the carpet without picking them up. It drove him up a wall, I was lazy and a slob.<br><br>
I mentioned the little bits of whiskers that are ALWAYS on and around the sink after he shaves. His response? "Well, I just don't see them!"<br><br>
Somehow he did not see how the two things were equal. He has huge control issues.<br><br>
I see what the women on the "other side" are saying, and I appreciate the viewpoint, but him saying that forgetting about sand (which it would never occur to HIM to vacuum up) means you don't love him? Um, no. Issues, dude.
 

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Re: not cleaning up sand means you don't love him: Yes, holding this opinion indicates he "has issues", but that doesn't mean his feelings aren't to be taken seriously.<br><br>
What is his mother like WRT housework? If she is meticulous, maybe he grew up thinking that the clean house was an important indicator of his mother's love for him and desire to create a pleasant family life. Therefore, your failure to keep the house clean (in ways that are noticeable to him) would mean to him that you don't love him and don't care about having a pleasant family life.<br><br>
If you and he together can figure out what his issues ARE, the situation will become much more resolvable. For example, if he's holding the belief above, you could remind him that different people express love in different ways and point out some of the ways you show your love.
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by trabot</i><br><b>take the next 48 hours to watch some of the stuff. Sand on your part and nagging on your husbands part will seem small. At least for this week. In the meantime, it is probably just your dh's way of trying to control his world...which suggests to me he might be nervous or scared about something else in his life. That's when we are our most controlling. There, I saved you about $100 in therapy.<br></b></td>
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Actually, trabot, you just saved me some $$$ in therapy, too! Thanks.
 

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Yeah, I know this guy whose mom used to make him scrub the walls with a toothbrush--when he comes home now, she still makes him do it--tho he has graduated to a scrubby sponge now<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="EEK!"> Major issues<br>
Luckily, my husband and I are both slobs & will send our children out in the world to disrupt the lives of OCD people...<br>
Sorry in advance...
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Luckily, my husband and I are both slobs & will send our children out in the world to disrupt the lives of OCD people...</td>
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:LOL !! That is me -- but not my dh. He once told me that "I know you aren't very good at housework, but if it bugs me too much I will just do it because I don't like things messy." My mom told me to get it in writing. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> It's funny, though -- after 3 years of marriage, he somehow doesn't notice the sinkful of dishes & the empty soda, water & beer bottles all over the place (mostly his, btw) ...8 months in to parenthood & he can walk around/over baby toys with the best of them. Hmmm.. selective vision? :LOL<br><br>
Good luck & I hope your dh mellows -- these ladies have some great ideas.
 
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