[North_Of_60]

I don't know how to broach this subject without feeling like a failure. BUT, you know that saying; "it takes a village to raise a child"? Well, I'm beginning to understand what that is all about. Many other cultures have several generations that help care for children, take care of the house, cook, clean, etc. We don't.

I don't live near my extended family, and my husbands family all works (no retired grandparents or anything). I'm on my own, basically, and I feel like I'm drowning. I've become so consumed with being a good AP mama that other areas of my life are being neglected, like, um... me.

There's no balance.

My husband mentioned a nanny, and at first I was like NO WAY... "I don't want someone else raising my child", but then, as the days wore on, I realized that on any given day that I could make a list as long as my arm for all the times I wished I had "an extra set of hands". You know what I mean?

So now I've been fantasizing about how nice it would be to have someone around to help get dinner ready, or fold laundry, or vacuum, or play with DD while I shower, or take a nap, or, or, or, or...

I can just picture it now - "she only has one child, she doesn't work. What does she do all day." It is this kind of thing that has kept me from wanting to even think about hiring help.

My husband works long hours, and it's not fair to dump everything on him the minute he walks through the door.

Does anyone else have someone that comes in to help around the house? If so, where do find someone, let alone someone who knows AP/NFL?

Edited to add: I have no intention of leaving my daughter with a nanny while I go to the beach or go window shopping, this is strictly a support position, for help around the house/yard, etc.

 

[PancakeGoddess]

Loving loving this topic. nak with FIL visiting but I'll be back with thoughts.

 

[poetesss]

I'm from Pakistan and have lived in Jordan and in both places it's totally normal for people to have nannies, especially live-in nannies/housekeepers, even if they are SAHMs. My MIL said that when she came to the US she had literally never cleaned a bathroom, and they were a "middle class" family with a stay at home mom.

It's completely insane for a society to expect a mom and dad to raise children by themselves, with no help, in a very attached manner. Someone's got to earn the $ and the other is stuck with all/most of the housekeeping and childcare responsibilities. Can we say burnout?

Perhaps consider a nanny whose cultural values seem to be very family and attachment oriented...people from more AP oriented cultures wouldn't even bat an eye at cosleeping, extended bf'ing, etc. Of course even in other countries things have become so western that a lot of their attachment based values are dying out.

I remember when my mother was going about this whole business it was several years ago but she basically just put an ad out and had to go through interviewing prospective nannies...ideally word of mouth is best because it's very easy to find a dud.

Anyway sorry I don't have more advice but just wanted to say that I think it's totally normal to want and need help, even with one child.

 

[mammatomyboys]

Now here's something we should talk about more often...HELP! I think it's our individualist and indepence-driven culture that makes this feel so off-limits. I have long since decided that if I didn't live near family and had the means to, I would hire live-in help in a heartbeat. Almost a year ago, I gave myself permission to have someone come in and clean my house, first every other week, no every week. It was something that drove me crazy (having the house dirty) but I dreaded doing and wasn't good at. Finally my husband convinced me to do something about it rather than gripe about it all the time...and it has been the best "investment" in my sanity. Yes, it's alot of money when I think about what I've spent on housecleaning in the past year, but it's been worth every penny of it. I say go for it! If you have the means to, and if it will take a load off your shoulders so that you're a more pleasant mommy and wife, it's money well-spent!

 

[NannyL]

Hi! I'm a nanny. What it sounds like you are looking for is a mother's helper, someone who will literally just be an extra set of hands. This is often a perfect job for either someone in college (maybe studying early childhood ed) or someone who wants to get into the nanny field but has little to no experience.

As far as finding someone, I would post fliers at any local colleges (they should be starting classes soon, so there's a good chance that there will be quite a few people looking for jobs), and maybe in your local newspaper. There's also Craigslist, but I'm not a huge fan...

As far as AP/NFL compatible, just like there are parents of all types, there are nannies/mothers helpers of all types, the key is just to find someone compatible with your family. Ask lots of questions, and most of all, trust your instincts.

One final thing - if you've found someone who could be a great mother's helper, but isn't that educated about AP/NFL stuff, but who seems open minded and wants to learn, give her (or him) a chance!

 

[skybluepink02]

www.greataupair.com is a wonderful site where I've found all of my Nanny jobs.

If anyone is looking

:

 

[tschifo]

There is a young girl (12 yo) at my church that has been offering to watch ds, and it just terrifies me! However, I was thinking it would be GREAT if she could watch him while I was cleaning the house and making dinner. She is so good with him, and he loves her! It's so funny to listen to them both, because they just crack each other up. And, it would be a good experience for her. And, I can mold her into the AP mother's help I'd like her to be.

 

[millionmom]

I need help!! I dream of the day I can hire someone to clean my house for me!!

 

[kristenburgess]

I would totally and 100% love a mother's helper if we could afford one. She would be worth her weight in gold. I do think it takes a village and it's pretty hard to run the village with one set of hands... I would not feel bad at all about hiring a mother's helper if you think she'd help.

 

[PancakeGoddess]

Well, the OP said it all. There are so many times that a second set of hands would make life much smoother. There is definitely plenty of work for two people all day, and I wouldn't mind some time to knit, too.

The boys and I are homeschooling together, and we all managed pretty well until 2 years ago, when we decided to have two more babies. What were we thinkin'?!

Obviously, the new additions are beloved, but they put a serious damper on our learning style. The baby is quite fussy and the toddler is way spirited, and I don't think everyone is getting the attention they deserve. Nevermind my poor sticky kitchen floor.

 

[Harper]

Quote:

Originally Posted by North_Of_60 I can just picture it now - "she only has one child, she doesn't work. What does she do all day." It is this kind of thing that has kept me from wanting to even think about hiring help.

I think that I have found that one of the most important thing about being a mama is not worry about what anyone else will think about whatever it takes for you to do this "job" and be the best mama you can. If you need help and you have the means to get help--GET HELP!! I doubt there is a mama out there that wouldn't love to have some help. Consider yourself lucky and forget about what anyone else might think about you!

 

[North_Of_60]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PancakeGoddess Nevermind my poor sticky kitchen floor.

Tell me about it!! I am embarassed to admit it, but my kitchen floors haven't been cleaned since DD was born. She's almost 5 months old. I wear sandals around the house, I don't dare where white socks. To make matters worse, we have hard wood. I can't just pull a mop and bucket out and "quickly" do the floors. It takes all morning - spray them down, clean, buff, etc. I haven't even considered doing this while wearing her, which brings me back to my original point, I need help!! Sure, I can have a spotless house, but that means she spends the morning in and out of her exercauser while I scrub and buff the floors. I can't catch a break, it seems like it's either one or the other. Dirty house = unhappy babe. Happy babe = dirty house.

:

 

[RainCoastMama]

I'll admit it - I've become a better mama since we hired a mother's helper. I'm not as exhausted/burnt out/crabby/divided between two very needy ages and I can offer each child one on one time and 100% attention. She comes 3 times a week from 10-3.

We differentiate the term mother's helper from nanny because I'm rarely not home when she's around, and it really describes what her role is.

She holds the baby while I goof around with and prepare breakfast for my 3 yr old.
She watches one or both kids while I go grocery shopping and cook healthy, homemade meals.
She's there for potty learning when my arms are full with the baby.
She entertains and stimulates either child when the other really needs me for napping, changing, feeding, cuddling, or whatever.
She doesn't do housework other than tidying up toys or the dishes, but I enjoy being able to sweep, do laundry without it piling up, pay bills on time, make phonecalls.
I can go swimming with 2 kids with her, or to the beach, park, museum, etc. without fearing inevitable meltdowns or tantrums or whatever.
On a 'selfish' note, I take care of myself once in a while and get a haircut (gasp) or something like that.

So yes, it's made my life with children much more manageable and less stressful.

Having said all of that, we have been through 2 fantastic MHs who left on great notes (everyone in this field seems to be coming or going somewhere else) AND we fired 2 on bad notes (one after 1 week, 1 after 1 day). We're pros. We know what to look for, how to interview, what to ask, and to give a trial run. It takes me a VERY long time to trust someone else with my kids alone, especially preverbal. Always, always, always call references and look for gaps in employment history.

Good luck!

 

[PancakeGoddess]

raincoast - that was really helpful! Would you mind sharing what these MHs charge? I guess it sort of varies by region - I'm in the midwest.

Also, I'd love to know the questions you ask in interviews, and what you looked for wrt whether to keep or fire (ouch).

 

[TRIBE]

I hired a maid to come in every 2 weeks. It's not really in our budget but with dh being gone for 6 mths and me being alone with 5 kids it was either I hire some help or we live in a dirty house. I keep up the basic stuff (laundry, sweeping, quik mop. dishes) and they do the heavy work, scrubbing the floors, walls, cleaning the bathrooms, washing the counters and appliances, changing the bedsheets. It's been a MAJOR help.

I also hired an assistant teacher to babysit the kids so I could keep my appts with my therapist.

I certainly think we need more help and I wish we could go back to living in "villages" where we all got the help and support we needed. It's a nice fantasy I dream about a lot

 

[*guest]

I have a post-partum doula come in every now and then. I found her through my midwife, but there are also listings on dona.org. There is nothing wrong with getting help. I'm also considering hiring a cleaning service to do deep cleaning every other week. It's hard on the budget, but then again we don't eat out anymore or really take trips. I have no one who can drop in and help me either, and seeing the house in complete disorder does drive me insane. But she's at the age where she needs me the most, and I can't put clean dishes ahead of a little baby who needs cuddling. Yet some things do need to get done, and there we are.

 

[sheandaru]

Not trying to hijack, but how much do you usually pay a Mother's Helper?

 

[Party*of*5]

I would love to be able to afford some housekeeping help. But I wouldn't want some one to help with the kids. Well, the baby wouldn't have it anyway. We just have to let some things go. It can be hard. Especially when your obsessive clean mother is always making faces, huffing and puffing and making comments. But most everyone has a messy house those first several years.

As to the hardwood floors, I just use the vacuum on the hard floor setting so the brush isn't rotating. Then on weekends DH uses the Swiffer mop with our own solution in it. We are saving for a Roomba Scuba

 

[Getz]

I used to think the "village to raise the child" was silly, until I became a mother!! I think it is ridiculous to that they (society? men? ourselves?) expect us to do it all alone.

I am pregnant with my second and will have 2 babes, 14 months apart. I am already considering having the neighbor girl as a mother's helper next summer. Not to leave her alone with the kids (she is 13ish) but just to play with older DS so I can do other things around the house.

 

[Cullens_Girl]

I was a mother's helper 3 afternoons a week in high school... Very rarely was I left home alone with the baby - except for maybe an hour while she grocery shopped. While I was there she would do the house cleaning and pre-pare meals for the week.