[kbond]

I am so pissed at my husband right now. We have had the housework fight since we moved in together, and I had mostly made my peace with it. But, now with our daughter, it's just too much.

We have a cleaner come in once a month, but that's the outer limit of what we can afford so that's not a solution.

We had a couple of weeks ago decided that we would trade off days for the dishes---and, guess how well that worked? Currently, our kitchen has so many dirty dishes in it that I can't cook.

And, somehow, when it gets like this, he says that he can't clean because it overwhelms him. Well guess what--it overwhelms me too, but someone has to clean it.

I'm just so pissed off....he stays up late to play his computer game, but then complains about being tired, not having enough time to do his grading, and that the house is a mess. I'm not going to claim saintly status, but damn it, I go to school, do homework, cook half the meals, and BREASTFEED our daughter EVERY 2 HOURS! Plus, I manage to do my chores.

This is just so beyond frustrating. We start couples counseling on Thursday, and I really hope that it helps because I cannot live like this for much longer, but I also don't want to leave him or be a single parent.

 

[mandib50]

good luck with the counseling.

 

[homewithtwinsmama]

We had a couple of weeks ago decided that we would trade off days for the dishes---and, guess how well that worked? Currently, our kitchen has so many dirty dishes in it that I can't cook.

And, somehow, when it gets like this, he says that he can't clean because it overwhelms him. Well guess what--it overwhelms me too, but someone has to clean it.

Paper plates, one pot meals. Throw all of his mess in a big basket or box out of site and let him sort it out. Don't do his laundry, but throw anything he leaves out into the box. My dh's box was in the basement and he got really tired of hearing the answer to "where's my XYZ" be "I told you I am not living in clutter so I threw it in your box". He is much better now about keeping stuff cleared off. He also does about half the dishes and 1/3 of the laundry these days. I have also been known to let him know that housework ruins my libido...

 

[kbond]

I won't do paper plates for environmental reasons, and I have a feeling that the box idea would go over like a lead balloon.

And, I lived in a communal situation for a while, and one of my other housemates got so fed up with the dishes situation that he just started piling them all on the porch. He'd wash his and take them back to his room, but all the other dishes were put on the porch. Two more of us also just washed our own, but the other 7 members of the house just let them pile up on the porch. So, I'm a little leery about how well boxing or putting things out of the way actually works.

 

[mamalisa]

I would minimize what was available to use. 3 plates, 3 cups, 3 bowls, 3 sets of silverware, 2 pots, done. If you want to eat, you have to wash your dish. If I was being a real jerk about it I'd write my name on my plate. Can't pile up if it's not there to use!

 

[Liquesce]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kbond I won't do paper plates for environmental reasons

Buy recycled, and compost. Sometimes a fudge on the environmental factor is worth the sanity gained.

 

[cdahlgrd]

That first year of having a baby is quite an adjustment.

Have you really told him how you feel? I don't condone it, but I had a few temper tantrums on my dh and it does make an impression

.

Your life has changed and now you need to sit down and adjust your roles and expectations. (doesn't that sound so neat and easy? ) This can be really hard and can take a lot longer than you ever expected. But just keep working on it and keep at it.

I find that telling dh what I want specifically, is helpful. "honey, I need your help for 1 hour cleaning up the kitchen. You wash the dishes and I will put away the food." "I don't have time to clean as much now with the baby, do you want to clean the bathrooms every Saturday, or give up your lattes and have the cleaning person come weekly?"

The staying up late thing drives me batty. My dh does that too! And then has the gall to complain about being tired. I have just told him that he can only complain of being tired after spending a night dealing with kids, otherwise he can shut his mouth and deal with it like a man!

Be patient with each other. It is a hard adjustment going from 2-3.

 

[maddymama]

Hi Mama,
I understand completely how frustrating it is..... I would suggest trying the FLYlady for a bit. I liked her philosophy of 15 minutes a day, and it has worked wonders for me. There is also something affiiliated with the Flylady called the Housefairy, which I used with DH even though it is meant for little kids.
I did 15 minutes of my chores, wrote out DH's 15 minutes for him, and set the timer. I think I made it a competition "Who can get more done in 15 minutes?" At the end of the 15 minutes I made a HUGE deal of his work. That night I sprinkled fairy dust on his chores and left him a little gift.
It hasn't been perfect, but it has definitely helped. Every few nights we'll do the 15 minute competition, and once every month or two I have the fairy leave my DH (or me) a treat (Starbucks gift certificate, a magazine DH wants, a candy bar, etc.).
Good luck! The little pieces at a time approach helped my DH.
~maddymama

 

[kbond]

Thanks for all the advice....I feel like I've tried some of these things before, but can't hurt to try again.

 

[Learning_Mum]

A while ago I got so sick of the same problem, and the kitchen being such a mess that I packed up everything and threw it out and bought new plates.

 

[fek&fuzz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamalisa I would minimize what was available to use. 3 plates, 3 cups, 3 bowls, 3 sets of silverware, 2 pots, done. If you want to eat, you have to wash your dish. If I was being a real jerk about it I'd write my name on my plate. Can't pile up if it's not there to use!

That's what I did because I hate washing dishes. Now I have one coffee cup that I wash every day after using, instead of 6 sitting in the sink. One bowl, one plate, a few forks and spoons. Everything else is in an upstairs closet. It makes things so much easier.

 

[Softmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamalisa I would minimize what was available to use. 3 plates, 3 cups, 3 bowls, 3 sets of silverware, 2 pots, done. If you want to eat, you have to wash your dish. If I was being a real jerk about it I'd write my name on my plate. Can't pile up if it's not there to use!

I REALLY think this is a good idea. Box up and store the rest of it. I read a recommendation for this by a woman who had 8 kids and was sick of all the dishes. If his bowl is dirty it's his choice to clean it or eat off of it dirty (just don't fall into the trap of caring whether or not he eats off it dirty)