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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm not sure what to say or do about having people come over and visit our new baby. I honestly would be happy if no one bothered us for a month or two but that's not realistic. I'm OK with my parents and sister seeing the baby right away but I don't want anyone else coming to the hospital or coming over to our home to visit. This is easier said then done since my sister lives right below us and she has tons of friends and inlaws that have no clue. As of right now I plan to just not allow anyone in our home except my immediate family. I will let my parents and sister know tomorrow that I don't want anyone else around. I hope they understand but I doubt they will. The only other relatives I have around are my Aunt, Uncle, Cousin and his wife and baby but I'm sure they'd want to visit too but I'd rather they not. How do I handle this without seeming harsh? I just want our privacy for a while to get adjusted. Is this just crazy for me to feel this way?<br>
With our first baby it was perfect for us because we had no relatives around, my mom and sis came and stayed with us for a week but then we were alone. I loved not being bothered or having to worry about everyone wanting to hold the baby.<br><br>
Anyway, does anyone else feel this way? If so how are you planning on handling this?
 

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Gosh, I dont know either. My last baby was exposed to chicken pox at 6 days old, now I'm very leary to have visitors over this time around. I'm probably going to post a sign to our front gate and lock it.....that should solve the problem. I hate offending people (which I will.) but really, I just dont feel comfortable having visitors over right away.<br>
I'm also going to unplug our phone when dh goes back to work, I dont want to feel obligated to chat with everyone. I need to figure out a routine and get my homeschooling schedule figured out before I have the time for people calling umpteenmillion times a day.<br>
Jackie
 

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I guess it was on the homebirth thread, people had good suggestions for signs to put on your front door. basically something along the lines of, "Thanks for coming by, but the mama and new baby are resting and recovering. Please feel free to give us a call at 555-5555." then you just let the voice mail pick up, or answer and schedule a visit on your own terms<br><br>
Some people had some more complex ideas, like suggestions for what you could do to help the family (bring a meal, do a load of laundry, etc.) Personally, if I'm going to ask someone to do something for me, I'd prefer to just verbally ask them - these aren't things I'd ask from people I'm not comfortable talking to.<br><br>
The only people who'll be coming to see us are close family and friends - so I'm not trying to keep anyone away as much as limit their visits. I have a 2 story house, and I have no problem taking the baby and going upstairs if we need a rest or to nurse quietly. The people in my life wouldn't be so presumptuous as to follow me into my bedroom. This is also the 5th kid on DH's side and the 4th on my side, so everyone has a better understanding of what a reasonable visit is to the home of a newborn.<br><br>
I think passing the word along through close family members is a good idea. Another option might be to have a little get-together with your less-close family - if the cousins, etc. know they'll get to meet the baby soon, they may not rush you. I will say that I think *most* of the time people want to visit just to give you an obligatory gift/hug. So if you schedule some sort of open house at a family members house for a few weeks after the birth, that might give people an avenue for gift giving/baby holding on your terms.<br><br>
I'm a bit worried that my folks assume they will be staying at our house after the baby comes (they live 4 hours away and often come stay in our guest room). But I am not up for overnight guests at this point, not with a toddler and newborn who both will be awake all night.
 

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I'm not too worried. I think it'll be pretty minimal this time around. DH owns his own company - the 2 other guys he works with are bachelors and don't care about visiting newborns. We JUST started going to our current church and don't know anyone well enough for them to drop by....I've been a sahm for 3 years now so no coworkers there...um, I think that's about it. Pretty much just close family and friends for us, who I'm excited to introduce the baby too.
 

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With ds the MW put a note on the door just saying don't stay too long and do something nice like dishes, laundry or bring food for us. We didn't have a lot of visitors except my family and in laws which was fine. None of our friends came until he was a few weeks old. I was so happy we had our baby at home when I heard about my friends in the hospital where visitors were coming all the time and they couldn't control it. This time I am going to do that same thing just family and my mom can come as much as she wants b/c she cleans and makes us food.
 

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The only people I am stressing over are my in-laws. They live 700 miles away... but I have a feeling as soon as we tell them I am at the hospital they will be on their way. I told DH he needs to tell them not to come for a week after birth... who knows how that will go over. I have a feeling she'll play the poor me card and DH will cave. Whatever... drive 700 miles. You still are not allowed 24/7 access to my house (even if she does do dishes!) With my first they were there ALL.THE.TIME. Seriously. They drove us home from the hospital (baaaaaaad subject with husband and I) and they stayed. For HOURS. It has been almost 4 years and I am still pissed!
 

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Visitors? What visitors? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Seriously though. The Inlaws are coming up early to help finish getting the house ready, and to take care of DS. My parents are coming up, and taking DS back with them for a few days when I get out of the hospital, to help with recovery (c-section). Then they'll be back 4 days later, and hopefully not for long.
 

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All of our family live out-of-state, and we've already told them when they are "allowed" to visit - not for three weeks after he arrives! My MIL is chomping at the bit - she'd come today and stay 'til he's born if we let her! (First grandchild on that side). On the other hand, my Dad is here right now, babysitting me while I'm on bedrest, and he's agreed to leave as soon as we come home from the hospital, if he's still here when DS arrives. They all understand that we want time to bond as a family, and get our "parenting feet" so to speak, before we are inundated with overnight guests (the next trick will be getting the in-laws to stay at a hotel rather than in our very small house!).<br><br>
As for local friends, I don't think we'll have too much trouble limiting visits. One trick I heard of, though, is to make sure you are in robe/pjs/sweats when people come visit - that if you are in regular clothes and all showered and normal looking, people are more likely to linger! Interesting thought...
 

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I told my family (a good 7-8 hour drive away) that we wanted a month long babymoon back when I told them I am pregnant, and they've had plenty of time to think about it. I also did not tell them my due date, but rather that the baby is due in "early April" (actually March 28th is my due date...). Although they seem to respect (although they don't like it...) our request for no visitors for a month, my dad has been hinting that they want to stay with us when they come. Luckily, there's no furniture in the "spare" bedrooms of my temporary digs, so it's much easier to direct them to a hotel--which will also cut down on how long they visit because when it comes to spending money to see us, they are <i>soooo</i> against it!<br><br>
As for my in laws, my MIL lives right next door, but it sounds like she is more than willing to respect our boundaries and will only come over when we invite her. BIL/SIL...not sure about them yet, but they live 4 hours away, so not too worried.<br><br>
Friends...guess we'll just post a note on the door for anyone brazen enough to come without calling first. We'll also put it in the birth announcement e-mail that we will be happy to take visitors after our one-month babymoon, as long as you call first (or we extend an invitation). I don't think we'll have any problems, tho'.<br><br>
Hope this helps...it's good to read what others are doing to give us ideas on how to be tactful, but stand our ground and make our wishes clear.
 

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We are having the baby shower with my in-laws *after* the baby is born and that will be extended family's opportunity to see the baby (just a few people, DW's extended family isn't big). I've made it clear though I'm not doing it like a week or even two weeks after the baby is born though, so they're going to have to wait a bit. But that's their time to see the baby and no visiting before, except my DW's parents and sis. And we already made it clear to them they can't come over until we say- and it will be at least 3 days before that happens. They weren't pleased but oh well!
 

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I love having visitors. But I also have very few people in my life who I am not close to. I traveled for a few years before having DD, so the people in my life had to have positive sticking power in order for me to keep in contact. No one is likely to show up with out an invite or previous arrangement due to the fact I am VERY protective of my space when I need it.
 

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This one is very sticky with us. After DD was born, I felt overrun, esp. by my MIL who was very intrusive after an extremely traumatic birth/NICU stay and whose only concern was clearly how much 'air time' she was getting.<br><br>
This pregnancy has been super-hard on me (and by extension, us) and I'm suffering from a pretty serious depression brought on by PTSD from DD's birth. Now, it's pretty clear we're down the same pre-e/c-section/preemie road again and I've decided that I'm going to at least control what I can, since everything else has gone to h*** in a handbasket.<br><br>
So, there will be no hospital visitors: my Dh will stay with me, except when the baby is separated from us after the c-section, when my mom will stay with me. Otherwise, no visitors, no phone calls, no gifts.<br><br>
Once we're home, I am intending on spending at least 2 weeks in bed with the baby and I'm not getting out or letting baby out of my arms. Our immediate family can come to bring food or visit with Dh and DD if they like - if they happen to catch baby awake and happy while I am sleeping, then fine, but otherwise, too bad (we had a lot of "Oh, oops, the baby just woke up..." and insistent holding last time). There will be no other visitors and we will not be accepting deliveries or phone calls.<br><br>
It sounds harsh and it's not for everyone, but for us, I think it's really important to protect that time/space in the early weeks since the birth/early days are going to be so unprivate and unpeaceful. It doesn't make it ok, but I'm hoping it will help start the healing process...<br><br>
After seeing how hard this has been on us, *everyone* has been so supportive EXCEPT, you guessed it, MIL who was very angry with DH that she is getting cheated out of her "due" as grandmother.<br><br>
And you know what, that just tells me that we made the right call, lady!
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>miche28</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7276669"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">MIL who was very angry with DH that she is getting cheated out of her "due" as grandmother.<br><br>
And you know what, that just tells me that we made the right call, lady!</div>
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This is how my MIL is. It's her own fault that she will not be able to see her grandchildren anytime soon. She hasn't seen our DD since she was 4 months old or so and DH has no plans on letting her see either of our kids again. It's very sad but MIL has brought all this upon herself. Luckily FIL is wonderful and he has been able to see our DD more often even though he lives in Germany!<br>
I'm sorry you had such a bad experience the first time around. I really hope you get exactly what you want and need this time! *hugs*
 

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I don't know, I gues I"m kind of resigned to the fact that we're going to be having lots of visitors, both in the hospital and when we get home... my husband is very close to his mom's family and I'm pretty close to my dad's, so I can't help but to expect visitors from them. Which is just fine with me, I suppose. Though I'm pretty sure that at some point we'll be tired of visitors!!<br><br>
EDIT: Oh and uh.. maybe I'm super slow, but what exactly do DD, DH, etc stand for?? I keep seeing them all over the boards and just can't figure it out! I feel soo stupid!!
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>ergonyer</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7278405"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">EDIT: Oh and uh.. maybe I'm super slow, but what exactly do DD, DH, etc stand for?? I keep seeing them all over the boards and just can't figure it out! I feel soo stupid!!</div>
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They stand for "dear <i>whoever</i>":<br>
DH: dear husband<br>
DS: dear son<br>
DD: dear daughter<br>
DC: dear child
 

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If any one wants to come and see the baby they can call first and then I can diceide if I am up for them to come over. I am having a friend fly up from Florida who I want here. But I know that I can't keep people a way. So I will put a limit on the visits and how many people at a time and how often. Like I am not going to want my MIL over every day after the baby is born. But I will fing a happy medium for it.
 

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Not your DDC - hope you don't mind if I weigh in...<br>
I am really nervous about the whole visitor thing as well. DH and I are very involved at our church and have a lot of close friends there. Many young couples @ church have had babies recently, and I've noticed that they have all brought their babies back to church and to various church functions fairly early....like 1-2 weeks after they were born. My midwife is a firm believer in trying to keep a newborn out of crowded situations like that for 6 weeks....and I feel like my instinct is to do the same, even if she wouldn't have suggested it.<br><br>
We live a few blocks from our church and almost everyone there knows where we live. Our house is sort of a hangout spot and we love entertaining. People drop by unannounced all the time and it doesn't bother me at all. But after the baby's born I know I'm going to wish that we lived out in the boonies, someplace where it would be inconvenient for visitors to drop by (instead of a block off of the main highway in a town full of people we know)!<br><br>
Maybe I will use the sign on the door idea that pp have suggested....I'm afraid everyone will think that I'm being a paranoid reclusive nut-case, seeing as how all our friends have surrounded themselves with people very soon after the births of their children. That's just not how I want to do things....and I guess people can think we're weird if they want to. I just hope no one gets their feelings hurt.
 

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I think open communication is a good thing. Although I try to think about how the person will recieve the message what I focus on is giving the message in a compassionate way. I don't want a lot of visitors for the first month or so, even if they were to clean the house- a clean house is not worth it to me. I am going to have a postpartum duola.<br><br>
My open communication has gone pretty well with our friends, who are pretty laid back. I don't plan on introduce him (the baby) to our church until after the first month. Our pastor says it should be atleast 40 days after his birth so he is very supportive and excited.<br><br>
My mother had a fit when I told her my plan. I told her during the first trimester b/c she was getting a little too excited about the birth of her second grandchild and I was afraid that she would purchase her plan ticket w/o talking to me first. So when I told her may "babymoon" plan her response was a nasty, "So I have to ask permission to see my grandchild?" Her response just affirmed my decision. She didn't talk to me for months, but oh well. It helped me realize that I have to start doing what I think is right for me, my baby, and my family even before he is born.<br><br>
I encourage everyone to do what they think is right and to talk to people about this choice before the big day.<br><br>
Just my two cents<br>
Zora
 
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