Mothering Forum banner

1 - 5 of 5 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,925 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay, I know that stbx didn't have a super role model for a father, his own dad moved out a few times, occasionally treated various family members like crap, and brought financial ruin to the family. If his mom hadn't been willing to tolerate anything, they would not have stayed together. (Yes, I most definitely should have thought about the seed not falling far from the plant, but he was very critical of these things in his father, so I hoped he was more like his mom. Guess not.)<br><br>
But how does a person really walk out on their kids? I don't understand it. After moving out, he expected me to stay in the area and have a baby without any family and only a few friends for support...instead I moved to Florida to live back home with my mom and my sister comes by every day (practically lives here). And he's only been to visit once. He's never seen or touched or kissed his new child. And just on Saturday, I told him we were driving up North to stay with family nearby and he said he'd be "unavailable" to visit, no contact phone number given, nothing. I think he's going on a trip with his girlfriend to New Zealand, where she's from. So much for no money to make trips to see his kids. And what if something happens while he's gone? No contact info? And he's missing a court date, too...which is part of why I'm going up when I am. He says he didn't know about it. I don't even know if he's left on his trip yet.<br><br>
So...anyone know how these guys can be such deadbeats?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,064 Posts
i'm so sorry you're going thru this. I know - its somehow unfathomable to us that you could just walk away from your kids..not see them...<br><br>
My daughters biological father disappeared from her life when she was three years old. She is almost 15 now. Thats alot of years to not see your little girl ya know? He's not paid child support except for about a year that the state found him. He called once about two years ago when his own mother passed away - felt some kind of need to connect with her. He wanted to see her - but when my dh and I said he'd need to have a sit down with us first he bailed on her. again.<br><br>
I'm really blessed that i met my dh when my dd was just shy of 6 and he has been and is an amazing father to her - so she knows what a real daddy is. She has talked bout her biological father on occasion, basically saying she doesn't "get it" but that obviously he's gotta be a pretty messed up person. She knows it is his loss.<br><br>
anyway, i'm rambling - but i don't think any of us know how these guys can be such deadbeats. how they can rationalize in their own heads that they've not seen or been there for their children. I can only think that they blame us "well, if xxx wasn't such a bxxxx then i'd have been able to see my kids". (?)<br><br>
well. i'll stop talking now lol. Hang in there
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
397 Posts
I ask myself this all of the time. My ex has come out to visit once. But he has said many times I should just send the oldest to visit, that he can get to know Oobi and Boo when they are older. I think it is just selfishness or laziness. He doesn't want to have to work to see his kids. He doesn't want to spend money on seeing them when he could be spending money on himself. He wants to wait until the kids are at that stage where they like action figures and video games, cuz honestly he still likes that stuff too, so then they think he is fun and cool...He can't relate to the younger kids and he doesn't want to make the effort to try. And honestly I think he knew he was going to leave before the baby was born (left when he was 2 weeks old) so he never bonded. I think in my case my ex honestly does not even think of the baby as his own. It makes me want to cry. I worry so much about when the baby hits high school...I mean what kind of a blow to the self esteem it would be to realize your dad basically left when you were born. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Oh my! Off on a tangent much? Sorry, didn't mean to make it all about me!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I am so sorry that you are going through this <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> and <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> for your dd too. In the end the only one really missing out is him. Your dd sounds like she is surrounded by lots of love!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,572 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>brusselsprout</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">He can't relate to the younger kids and he doesn't want to make the effort to try.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I think that is also the case with my stbx, he find ds boring and frustating. He wants his time with ds to be like an exact science: 5pm, ds eats all of his dinner without a problem, 6pm, ds goes to bed without a peep, etc, etc. Although, I think my stbx has serious bonding issues to begin with.<br><br>
Brussel, I don't think your baby will have any problems with self-esteem when he is older...you are a wonderful mama that will make him feel special, loved and not lacking for anything! So, please do not beat yourself up over what your ex is missing out, because it is just that, your ex is missing out...not your son!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,925 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks for the support, and it's sad that your children are going through the same thing. I try to keep the fact that he's losing out in mind, but I know that both my dds will feel a loss from their fathers rejection, since I felt it myself growing up with a similarly deadbeat dad. And he was actually a "good" divorced dad because he called every week and paid child support, god forbid we should actually expect parenting out of these people.<br><br>
Well, I'm off for a two week vacation, hope that I'll have some good news from our hearing when I get back!
 
1 - 5 of 5 Posts
Top