[Luckymomma]

My son is 7 weeks old, my first son is 4 years old. Dh says no more and is going to set up to get snipped. I'm soo sad. I really wanted 3 kids. I just had a triumphant VBAC which has really healed me in so many ways, that I now feel I can really be a good mom, my confidence is back after doubting myself for so long. How can I deal with knowing my reproductive years are over at the age of 33. O.k., I'm not that young, but I really wanted to experience the miracle of one more baby. I just feel like crying. I'm so sad and angry. I mean, if a partner says, no kids, you could easily leave tham over somthing like that. But I have two beautiful boys, so It makes me sound selfish or somthing. I really would like a chance for a daughter. I love pink.

It seems silly to think and dwell upon this. I wouldn't even become fertile for at least 18-20 months. But he'll have it done long before then. How can I not hate him? Yet he has his mind made up too. How can I deal with this. Everytime I hold my baby, I get teary thinking this is the last time I'll have this magic. Help, I don't want to be so down. I'm actually past the 'baby blues' stage, but this is just like it. HELP!! Please.

 

[Lucky Charm]

I am so sorry you are upset. I would be too. Your husband has a "right" to say "no more", which i know you understand, but feel bad about....which i totally "get". If this were me, i would ask my husband to wait.....maybe 6 months. stay on birth control, or continue to do whatever you are doing to prevent pregnancy. (no poking holes in condoms!

). that said i would talk with him, but not brow beat him. My husband says we are "done" too, but like you i had a magically healing third birth, and feel like i want more babies, i want a homebirth, i can do it all.....leap tall buildings in a single bound! so, my dh has not been snipped, leaving a tiny crack in the door to possibly having more kids, or should i say "just one more". my husband says "i have deep respect for women and babies, and i am afraid of
messing with you on that level, whats one more if you really really want one?"

That said, even if i did have one more....is that enough? i cant say, but i am 37 and am sad that my reproductive years are coming to an end. it really hurts that i might not have another baby inside me or at my breast. sometimes i can almost feel the "let down". I think what you are feeling is totally normal, and you might feel this way even if you had one more baby. I have two friends who feel the same way. Try hard not to let it consume you, and see if your husband can wait for a while before getting snipped.

 

[Luckymomma]

Yup, I want a homebirth, I want to catch my own baby. But it does go beyond birth.I love the changes in myself. I love how each child can change you for the better. As my ability to love my children increases, my ability to love other people also expands. Dh says he can't handle and doesn't want to worry about another child. We are in such different places, it's a wonder we've stayed married this long.Sheer stubborness and fear of the unknown I think.
Sweetbaby3, Just thought I'd also share, my Dh is a psychotic Packer fan, and I'm also a nurse.

 

[Lucky Charm]

Quote:

my Dh is a psychotic Packer fan, and I'm also a nurse.

 

[Momma Aimee]

check out this like minded thread.................

http://216.92.20.151/discussions/sho...threadid=84360

 

[ja mama]

My dh had a vasectomy 3 months after our 2nd son. I was informed, but not included in the decision. It's his body and he's sure he would resent me and the new baby if there were one. He's not opposed to foster care or adoption someday, but that's something in addition to, not a part of, our family. IMO
I have just had to change my thinking. And it's not as hard as I thought to accept the finality of it. He says he'll be willing to have it reversed if we win the lottery, then I can hire a cook, a housecleaner... and I can just play with the babies all day.

 

[mothernurture]

This must be so difficult, especially so soon post-partum... Any chance the two of you could negotiate a "honeymoon" period of time in which you both could put the subject on hold and then address it again as your fertility returns later? It's really hard to make permanent decisions on birth control when you're still in the severe sleep deprivation phase.

Luckily for me, my dh isn't anxious to discuss vasectomy (and I'm not willing to consider tubal ligation) so we've decided to shelve the decision on permanent birth control until our 2nd child (dd) is 2 (next summer). Our first child (ds) will be 4 in November. Perhaps some reasoning about having a "waiting" period will make sense and he would respect your desires to not make a permanent decision right now, with post partum/lactation hormones in play, etc... a unilateral decision on his part will be soooo incredibly difficult... I honestly don't know what would happen in my marriage if either of us made a unilateral decision on this subject, especially so soon after our 2nd child's birth.... (which was an incredibly healing, empowering out of hospital birth with a midwife in attendance)...

My heart goes out to you... I hope your dh will respectfully consider your feelings on the subject and allow those feelings and his feelings for you to affect the decisionmaking process in a meaningful way...

 

[mountain]

This is what we are going through too

 

[mothernurture]

Mountain,
how old is your youngest little one? I knew a couple who were pursuing a vasectomy reversal because they made the decision to soon and hastily after the birth of their youngest... and then when their youngest was between 2 and 3, they had a change of heart and wanted to conceive one more time.

Unfortunately, the husband had already had a vasectomy. So, the decision to conceive had to be put on hold in order to try for a reversal... Seems like a lot of pain and heartache could be eliminated if there was a waiting period until the youngest was old enough that the parents could make a sound joint decision uncluttered by sleep deprivation or other factors.....

 

[Luckymomma]

Thanks for the responses. I've got to figure out a healthy way of coping with this(a hobby?) I know he won't change his mind. Yet, I've been trying so hard to show him how easy babies are. He hasn't changed a diaper yet(baby is 8 weeks tomorrow). He sleeps in a different room, so he has never slept better. I guess I try not to complain when I'm exhausted and overwhelmed, Don't want to hear any"See, we can't handle anymore", statements. So, I'm kind of a martyr, but not really, because I love being my baby's "one and only", I just wish he could see how incredible these little creatures are.
I see families with one or two children, some with two girls or two boys, and they seem so content. Why can't I? I know I'm so blessed to have what I have. Was it the magic of birth that has me hooked?I've been building up to a vbac since my 1st sons birth 4 years ago. And now that I had it, maybe I'm just seeking that thrill again. I'm not sure.
But if I went to the doctor, and was told I had some illness or condition that wouldn't kill me, but would leave me unable to have any more children, I'd be just as devastated and would have a strong sense of loss.
I've never felt closer to God than when I held my baby in my arms, umbilical cord still linking us. I'm so thankful I had that.It's hard to say no more.

 

[mothernurture]

Luckymomma,

The birth high is so amazing... I understand completely your desire to not close the door on the possibility of experiencing it again someday. I had a far from ideal first birth and then when we had our 2nd birth (summer 2002), I was on cloud nine.. it was such an incredible, empowering experience.

There's got to be a way for your dh to understand your needs... to allow for a waiting period until he takes permanent steps to prevent any future conception.

I've even had friends who came to an understanding with their partners to wait AT LEAST until the youngest child was 12-18 months, using the argument that you need to wait until the risk of SIDS has been eliminated..... ? just a thought...

It's totally normal to experience a sense of deep loss at the thought of never having another child (whether through a partner's unilateral decisionmaking, through an illness/disease, or through menopause). The ability to conceive and birth a child is about the most powerful capability I can think of, and losing that would take some serious time to adjust...for your own mental health, I hope your dh will consider your post partum needs and WAIT until you both can come to a decision together at a later date...

 

[mountain]

Well my youngest turned 2 in August...I am a birth junkie too but not necessarily a pg or after the birth soreness junkie

there's worse things to want...
I think I can be satisfied with bringing 2 lives into world (have 3 total to take care of--dd from dh's 1st marriage)--I think of it as replacing myself & dh generation-wise...I worry about my kids so much-everything from vaccination to snack day at school...my mom was a god-awful screamer & physically abusive so it takes ALL MY ENERGY to be a more aware mother than she was...
I do worry about being so young, Nurturemama, but we had a knock down drag out discussion at 3 am (those are the best ones, huh) And my sweet man told me if I wanted to have another, he would definitely be ok, help with that, not treat the baby like he/she was mine to raise...and you know what? That's all I really wanted to know, I was so RELIEVED...I don't think I want another baby right now to divide my focus when I so desperately need it to get through the day without blowing it like my mom

I don't want to be like that EVER. I want my kids to look back & remember happy smiling guitar playing goofy mom--that way I'll be invited to the grandkids' births!!!!
Luckymomma, it sounds like you are taking too much responsibility onto yourself--you will be so exhausted if you do it all by yourself---what's the point of having him there? It sounds like there are some partnership issues that need to be addressed before you think about more babies...hope that's not too harsh, but we are modeling the relationships that our own babies will have when they grow up...don't you want to model an equal nurturing parental team? Wouldn't that be a lot easier to focus on rather than having a distant dad who never knew what it was really like to have kids? It doesn't seem like that's making it easy to have babies.
I hope I'm not totally off base here but I think the kids that we already have here should be given what they need to evolve to a greater understanding of love.........

PS Me & the old man rock paper scissors for diaper change turns!!!

Hey, he helped bring those poopers into the world too!!!