[KarlaC]

For the last 3 years my oldest dd has hung out with friends that were bad influences. I kept my silence as it's not my friends, etc.

In the last 6 months things have escalated & now I'm at a point where I want to send her to her fathers 1000 miles away, however I know it's a horrible environment for her so I haven't. The problem with her here is that there are so many things that trigger me being angry with her.

I'm angry that she's let some strange grown man into our house through her bedroom window, not just once but multiple times(I found this out after the fact).

I'm angry that she refused birth control then got pregnant & required $ that of course the man she snuck into the house didn't have to help her take care of her problem. Not to mention whatever diseases she exposed herself to.

I'm angry that now I sleep like crap because I'm scared. I never know if there will be a stranger in my house when I get up & my dh is deploying soon so I will be here alone with a newborn in my house & a unpredictable 16 y/o(not to mention my 13 y/o dd who is stuck as a bystander in this).

Lastly I'm angry dh's gun was taken out of this house & recently returned to us by the police. Surprise..it was found in this sneaking in the house mans car. Of course dd claims she didn't let him have it even though our house wasn't broken into & nothing was disturbed(which it would have had to be to find the key AND the gun which were in 2 seperate places).

I get mad when I feel like she's being secretive now..I felt like she was before but I decided to trust her & it got me nothing but a slap in the face. She's spent 3 years lying & sneaking around, now whenever I catch her in a lie or something close to a lie I feel like she's laughing at me behind my back. The gun was the final straw for me, I don't feel like I can be nice anymore & honestly I don't know what I can do to re-gain some kind of relationship with this girl. I love her but I surely don't like a thing she's done lately.

We've always talked things out, never used corporal punishment or threats..she's always willing to do household chores, etc without any fuss. It feels like some kind of passive aggressive lashing out. She refuses counselling & no one will see her if I drag her in there screaming & clinging to doors. Maybe someone else will have ideas here. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading & any ideas/suggestions you might have(please no flaming).

 

[journeymom]

Good heavens. What could I possibly flame you for?? You're in an intolerable situation.

Your first priority: is that gun secured yet?? I would never have a gun in the house to begin with, but at the very least you MUST lock it up in a safe that only you know the combination to. No keys, obviously. You and your whole family are in danger as long as that gun isn't secured.

Maybe you can't get your daughter into therapy, but you can get yourself to a family therapist, someone who can advise you how to proceed.

Best of luck to you.

==============

Edited to say, I re-read your title of this thread. Your anger is absolutely reasonable and justified. I'd be outraged if my daughter sneaked a stranger into my house!

 

[Cherie2]

I could have written your post 6 years ago... I don't know if I handled myself well or not ...

Just wanted you to know, you are not alone - a million hugs to you

I could try to think of some advice if you want me to

btw 20 yo dd (and 3 yo gds) are doing well now.

 

[crl]

I'm sorry I don't have any parenting/therapy/etc type suggestions. But I want to suggest that you get alarms for the doors and windows (including your 16 year olds obviously) and arm them when you go to bed so you can feel safe sleeping.

 

[Theoretica]

Can you press charges against the grown man for statutory rape????

 

[amynbebes]

While I haven't been in this situation I have to say that I think one of my first steps would be pressing charges against this man. Also, I'd look into an alarm for her window. Beyond that I think therapy is definitely in order.

 

[Cherie2]

oh, its easy to say "press charges" but at what cost to your relationship with dd?

we ended up pressing charges, but the way it came about strengthend our relationship ... just saying ... easier said than done..

 

[Theoretica]

I dunno...15-16yo girl and a 'grown man', which (to me at least) implies at least in his 20's...there's no real grey area there.

 

[Cherie2]

I dont know about the op's story but .. sigh, there is always grey area, I could tell you my whole story but I am at work and don't want to start crying ... but when he looks and acts 16 and then after she pours her heart out to you (about how much she loves him) with the truth that he is about to turn 20 (when she just turned 14 last week) and you already feel like you are loosing all conection with her ...well sigh, there is grey area...

 

[KarlaC]

Well the gun is stored in a safe type gun cabinet at BIL's house now so that's all good at least.

I had no idea the man was 'grown' until we picked up the gun & the police told us his age. DD had told us he was 16 prior to that & as far as I know he has been gone from the area for at least 2 months now. Where he was picked up by the police confirmed that idea.

Apparently the moron got pulled over, abandoned his car with the gun in it & his illegal drugs. He's so bright he tried(and failed) to scratch out dh's name on the gun but left the serial numbers. He still got picked up 2 days later, I guess the fact that the police are able to track who the car belongs to didn't occur to him.

Now that I know he's over 18 if I catch him in my house at 3 a.m. I plan on pepper spraying him into next week while calling 911. I called 911 last time but he ran out of the house before they got here & dd refused to give up his last name saying she 'didn't know it'.

I believe our first extra $ check from dh's deployment is going into an alarm system, thank you whoever put that idea out there. Maybe being able to sleep at night & not being as scared about it will make me feel less irrational toward her during the day at least. Then I can look into how many hoops the insurance will make me jump through for therapy(for me at the very least).

 

[MusicianDad]

She can't press charges if DD is 16. She's in North Carolina and the age of consent is 16.

To be honest, at 16 the only thing that will make her change is her wanting to change.

 

[spruce]

Maybe, as hard as this is to hear...maybe your daughter WOULD be better off with other supervision? Or more supervision?

Honestly, she sounds like a child in crisis to me. An abortion, sneaking men into her room, sneaking this and that and the other...

Many of us *were* that girl at 16. And many of us wish our parents would have been more proactive about our situations.

You are not supposed to be her best friend...you're supposed to be her mother.

 

[KarlaC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by spruce Maybe, as hard as this is to hear...maybe your daughter WOULD be better off with other supervision? Or more supervision? Honestly, she sounds like a child in crisis to me. An abortion, sneaking men into her room, sneaking this and that and the other... Many of us *were* that girl at 16. And many of us wish our parents would have been more proactive about our situations. You are not supposed to be her best friend...you're supposed to be her mother.

Hmm interesting take. I don't find it hard to hear because it's just not applicable.

I'm definitely not her buddy, I remember my own mother handed me a lot of rope & I hung myself with it. What I didn't do however was endanger my own health or my families safety, steal or get pregnant in her circumstances.

She would tell you I've let her have 'no life' because she's never been allowed to run wild with no accountability like her friends. Now she's found out what it's like to locked down as completely as I can manage.

She has no doorknob & her door must stay open at all times, her windows are screwed shut, she isn't allowed phone calls & can go no where but school, I take her shoes at night so she cannot sneak out & I put baby powder on every doorstep & sill before bed to show any tracks in the a.m.

As for more supervision, I'm not sure where she would get it because it wouldn't be at her fathers house. He is the parent that shouldn't even be a parent which is why I haven't sent her there yet no matter how much I want to.

 

[chiromamma]

KarlaC,
Don't send her away.

I swear, she is a teen who has made foolish choices and she needs her mom more than ever. With your DH deployed, perhaps you need support. Whether it's therapy or a trusted family member, teacher, whatever.
I recently read Beyond Logic, Consequences & Control by Heather Forbes and it truly shifted how I see my kids and misbehavior. It was written for parents of kids with major attachment issues but it certainly applies to any kid.
Regarding the boyfriend...I have to say, when firearms come into the picture, he HAS to go. Your daughter's safety is at stake. I don't know the legalities but I would consider a restraining order.

 

[churndash]

I don't think you need to be one bit less angry at your daughter. She's done outrageous, dangerous, horrible things that put your entire family at risk and you are entitled to be FURIOUS at her.

Can you press charges against the guy for theft of the gun? Even if your daughter gave it to him, it wasn't hers to give.

 

[StoriesInTheSoil]

Quote:

Originally Posted by churndash I don't think you need to be one bit less angry at your daughter. She's done outrageous, dangerous, horrible things that put your entire family at risk and you are entitled to be FURIOUS at her. Can you press charges against the guy for theft of the gun? Even if your daughter gave it to him, it wasn't hers to give.

I was wondering about that (bolded)

I think that your in-home version of lockdown sounds pretty good but an alarm sounds even better. As a once "rebellious" teen, I'd say that if she's determined, she'll find ways around most anything.

Therapy is my only other suggestion. For both of you. Do you know anything about partial hospitalization? That might be a good idea also.

And about being less angry, well I think you have every right to be angry. She screwed up. If you want to be less angry with her because you feel it is too much of a burden to hold on to the resentments, I think you should journal and find someone to talk to.

I am sorry your daughter is going through this and dragging you with her.

 

[Cherie2]

I think it is a good goal to get rid of the anger, it really does not help anything.

 

[Ruthla]

I thankfully have never been in this situation, so I don't have any practical advice- except to suggest counseling for the entire family, including the "13yo bystander."

 

[cjmz]

Perhaps instead of locking her in, you should get her involved in some positive outside activities.. choir, track, acting, dance, karate etc.
If she is kept busy and focused, she may pick up some new friends/ideas goals.

 

[Blu Razzberri]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Theoretica Can you press charges against the grown man for statutory rape????

I'd do that, and as other's said, charge him with theft (gun) and get a restraining order. Weren't charges pressed against him for stealing the gun? If not, why not??

Quote:

Originally Posted by cjmz ...get her involved in some positive outside activities.. choir, track, acting, dance, karate etc...

: too.