[caedmyn]

My DH is going to be gone for a month for work, and I really couldn't care less. I've been trying to think about all the things I will miss about him with him being gone, but the truth is, I really don't care. Hopefully that will change after he leaves and I'll start to miss him, but I don't know.

Ever since our 3 month old DD was born, our relationship has really changed. We used to spend a lot more time together. I know it's natural for a relationship to change after kids arrive, but there's got to be some way to get back to the way things were at least a little bit.

Part of the problem is that we really don't like to do the same things. His idea of a fun thing to do on the weekends is going to a bunch of stores and looking at things or running errands. That is not my idea of fun, especially since it seems I always have low blood sugar and pretty much need to eat constantly so I don't feel sick, and since I don't eat processed foods, I have to make whatever I want for a snack in advance and bring it along. That in itself is not so difficult but it seems we are always gone longer than planned so I end up hungry or feeling sick, which makes me crabby and reluctant to do anything the next time...

I like to do things outdoors, like go for a walk or hike, but he doesn't really like to do either of those.

I've suggested doing things around the house together (like making dinner or doing dishes) since there are always things that need to be done. That way we can spend time together and I can get help with my stuff and I'll help him with his stuff, but that never seems to work out.

The other problem is a communication problem. If I ask DH a question, he will give me the least possible amount of information. Like he went to Wal-Mart the other day to get a bread maker and came home without it. I asked him if he got the bread maker and he said no. I asked why not and he said because he didn't want to. I had to ask about 4 more questions to finally elicit a response that Wal-mart only had one bread maker and the box looked like it had been opened so he didn't want that one--why didn't he just tell me that in the first place instead of making me go through 20 questions? He never volunteers any information, I have to drag it out of him. I've tried discussing this with him but he just says I need to ask questions if I want to know stuff and I want too much information.

I am really frustrated right now. I want us to have a good relationship like we had before but I don't know how to make that happen. I'm not trying to bash on my DH--he's a great father and a good guy, I'm just frustrated.

 

[Shanana]

I don't have any advice mama. Just wanted to offer {{hugs}}.

 

[`guest`]

I think part of marriage is compromise, so I'd say try to find things you both like to do together. Maybe take turns, one week get snacks and go look at stores, then another do what you like. It also sounds like you guys need to have a good talk, and really listen to what is going on with him. Having a baby is a big transition, it's not all easy, and sometimes talking and working things out is an important part of the change in your relationship. I also think it's hard on men sometimes because they are expected to be so happy and overjoyed, and maybe they aren't, and they feel bad. (of course same could be said for women).
I think talking things out can be vy powerful, getting the truth out, no matter how scary it is.

 

[faeriewisp]

You guys should read Non-Violent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg

It's life changing! It has worked wonders on our marriage!

 

[trini]

Oh my! I could have written your post WORD FOR WORD except our ds is 8 months and dh never went to buy a breadmaker.

I can't tell you how many hours I've spent in Home Depot and other stores hungry and tired (and before, several months pg).

Oh, and some questions dh selectively doesn't answer at all. But otherwise it is just the bare minimum - which rarely communicates anything to me.

Anyway, I'm subscribing to this thread because we are having the same issues.

 

[sunnymommy]

i think one of the most challenging things about motherhood can be reforming the partnership with your partner. it inevitably changes. there are shorter tempers b/c of less sleep and less time to yourselves. i have just a couple of suggestions:
1) when you get angry, hold your middle fingers (one after the other). this is from jin shin jytsu, and works wonders for me.
2) make a list of everything that you love/used to love about your husband and post it somewhere where you can refer to it often.
3) realize and remember that no one is perfect.
4) set up a weekly booty call time (when he returns). this means getting someone you trust to watch the baby for that 1-2 hours (i find that morning time is the best b/c you're both not quite as tired as at the end of the day).
5) don't forget to breath.

things will hopefully get easier as time passes. they definitely have gotten so for us. parenthood is probably one of the biggest changes in your individual lives, as well as your partnership. be patient.

 

[Petersmamma]

I've been there too! Ds is now a little over a year, and things between dh and I are much better (although dh did something SO stupid this past week that I had to tell him if he ever did anything that dumb again, I would have no choice but to leave him and to take ds with me, which SUCKS!). So, my first piece of advice is to try to wait it out, because it does get better (a lot of moms told me that, and I just hung on to that).

If you can go to couples counseling, go! I know that isn't an option for many (it isn't for us!). So, if you can't, then I totally agree with the PP who said that yall need to have a good long talk. Trust me on this. After dh became Idiot Man, I have discovered that if I had simply told him all the things I was feeling, it is possible we wouldn't be in the situation we are in right now. Of course, I now feel I can tell him ANYTHING because I realized that I have to do what is right for ds, which hopefully means staying with dh, but also means telling dh when he is f-ing up! So take a deep breath, say "We have to talk" and get it all out there. ALL of it.

I also agree about the booty call. That is SO important to men. And I imagine you don't want to. I hear that, because that was me until about three weeks ago. It's almost as if my body knew that ds turned one and said it was okay for me to stop giving everything to him! But men really do equate sex with love. So, especially if you weren't having much sex during the pregnancy, he may be feeling so unloved right now. And also, like he isn't a man. Not a good feeling, I'm sure! I also agree about trying to do it in the morning, because it's hard after a long day to have energy to do ANYTHING, much less something you know is physical. Usually, once I get started, I enjoy myself, and I finally had to force myself to make advances even though I didn't want to.

Also, make compromises....on days off with him, agree that yall will go run errands for 2 hours, then come hom, have some lunch and in the afternoon go to the park or whatever YOU want to do. Hopefully he will be amenable to that!

Keep us posted, and I hope things get better for you!