[melissel]

I work from home 30 hours a week, with only 10-15 hours of childcare. I spend all day with the kids, cooking, cleaning, managing all household issues (doctors, forms, contractors etc.), feeding, putting to bed, and cramming e-mails and editing in the in-between times. My DH gets home, spends 1/2 hour helping me put kids to bed by reading a story or distracting the little one, and then I sprint downstairs to do my paid work. He, in the meantime, gets dressed and goes to the gym or pops in a DVD and lounges on the couch, where he falls asleep, and then stumbles to bed later

He may take out the garbage (or he may not, some days I'm lugging three bags of garbage down first thing in the morning). And then he complains that we have no romance; he expressed to me his extreme unhappiness in that department this weekend.

I have tried asking, crying, pleading, and arguing for his participation. Each time, I ask for a dollar's worth of extra "help," I get about a nickel. (I mean that in a manner of speaking, of course

) His argument is that he works all day, he wants to come home and have time to relax. Yeah, me too!!!

My biggest complaint is that I need him to open his eyes and SEE the things that need to be done. Example: We had family coming over on Saturday at 11. DD had gymnastics that would get her home at 10:30. DH ALWAYS takes DD to gymnastics when he's home on Saturdays, and I had discussed with him that I'd be spending the whole morning frantically cleaning for our company. He had to take his car in early and was supposed to get a loaner to come back. When he didn't call or come back, I called him and he said they didn't have a loaner, and that he'd just hang out at the repair shop and read, and I could pick him up on our way back from gymnastics. I got mad, and he said I should have told him what I expected. Do I really have to write everything down? I mean, really? Am I expecting too much, for him to examine a situation and help work out a solution? Sometime I feel like he's a third child, and I need to tell him exactly what to do all day. This does NOT feel like an equal partnership

Things have been OK for awhile, but the big fight we had this weekend has gotten me going again, because he has no problem expressing his emotions and expecting me to adjust, but I don't feel like I get to do the same. As part of this weekend's discussion, I expressed my own feelings again, and then he was home on Tuesday and saw how my usual days go, and said he was speechless at how hard it was for me. I thought, Wow, maybe this will change some things around here. So last night he comes home, an hour late, and eats some of the pizza I made, while keeping the baby busy. He's taken the high chair tray off the chair and shoved it into the sink, covering the whole thing (it's huge). I said I try not to do that because it really blocks the entire sink and counter, I just wash it while it's on the chair, and he said he didn't want the dog getting the leftover food on it. Fair enough. So I go down to do my work, he pops in Smallville and gets comfy on the couch. Eventually I come runnning up because the baby has awakened screaming, and end up falling asleep with her (he's asleep on the couch). THIS MORNING, I get up and find the pizza still in the pan, ALL the dishes still all over the kitchen, and the huge tray still covering the whole sink. He did not let the dog out either last night or this morning, did not take out the garbage bag that was hanging in the kitchen or put in a new bag, and was walking out the door to go to work, while I'm left to get myself and two kids ready and off to camp drop-off, and then downstairs to work all day myself. He DID manage to get the recycling out in the middle of the night, but only what was already in the outside bins, not anything that was still in the bins inside the house (kitchen and office).

Seriously, am I asking too much? Am I not asking in the right ways? Do I need to make some kind of threat? Is there a more productive way to approach this? I find that if I even try to bring a situation like this up gently, he gets very defensive and says I'm acting like I'm his mother. I FEEL like his mother, and what I really need is a partner

Sorry this turned into a huge vent/rant, but this has been going on for three years now. He actually brought up the subject of divorce this weekend (in the sense that if things kept on they way they've been going, in a few years he'd be unhappy enough for a divorce). Well, what about me? I'm pretty resentful and unhappy too, and I don't see him doing anything about it. I don't want to be his miserable, resentful, overworked drudge of a wife that he doesn't want to come home to anymore, but dammit!!! That is what I'm turning into, and I don't see what else we can do unless I can quit my job, which I can't because then we'll all starve in the dark, and that would be bad for our marriage too.

I would LOVE any suggestions or feedback anyone might have. (I do feel better having gotten that all out though

). Thanks!

 

[lisac77]

I don't really have any advice, but I wanted to commiserate with you because I have the same type of problem!

DH works all the time, I work full time in the evenings. The only reason the house stays moderately clean is because my sister is our nanny and she takes pity on us and straightens up while DS is taking his nap. She only does surface cleaning (picking up and wiping counters) and everything else falls on my shoulders.

DH always has an excuse as to why he "can't" clean. He's busy, he has to work, he just got home from work, he has a "project" to do, he painted the whole house over three years ago and STILL uses that as an excuse why he can't do daily housework. Meanwhile I'm expected to spend all my time at home cleaning because all I do is "sit around all day"

: . Not to mention, he only likes home cooked food, but is never home to actually cook. So he wants a home cooked meal, and he expects me to clean up after it as well. Is it any wonder that I prefer to eat out?

This has been an issue in our relationship from day one, minute one. The fact is that neither of us wants to clean. I'm OK with a messy house, but he is very fussy and wants everything spotless all the time.

I'm going to be watching this thread for suggestions....

 

[Pandora114]

I feel your pain momma. We STILL Have broken down boxes that need to be taken to the recycling center here..so I can acctually CLEAN THE HOUSE...brand spanking new house and our feet are truning black because I can't for the life of me see the sense of making cardboard boxes all gooey and nasty and immovable and then stuck to the floor.

Mine also has this bad habit of leaving recyclables on the counter instead of putting them in their proper spot....

Yeah so much for the "deal" of keeping this place nice and shiny clean eh?

SO! Watch for his NEXT Post in the Dads forum bitching about my lack of cleaning skills when HE is the one who has to load the boxes and take them to the recycling center so I can do it! Or he can just put them in the basement in a corner somewhere so we can re-use them when we buy a house, JUST GET THEM THE BLIP OUTTA MY WAY!

*sigh*

 

[melissel]

Thanks mamas,

to you too. I mean, I know I'm totally not alone. It just makes me

that I'm actually having the typical SAHM vs. WOHD argument (actually, I guess it's also the WOHM vs. WOHD argument too) with him, and I flipping WORK too! Argh. We had an arguent not long ago about calling the fence guys to schedule installation--he was supposed to do it, but had been busy at work, and I was getting on him a little about it (because the man DOES take lunch breaks, which kills me). He said why couldn't I just do it, because I was home and he was working

Uh, hello? What am I doing every spare minute of the day? Not freaking watching Smallville, I can tell you that. I just about went ballistic. He apologized. But guess who ended up calling the bloody fence guys? You know, I just realized that. Wow. What is wrong with me?

And here's the kicker. My mom is due to arrive here in 40 minutes. So I need to stop what I'm doing, go upstairs and clean up the whole house as quick as I can, so I don't have to hear HER kvetching about HIM to me, which makes my blood pressure go sky high.

OMG. Typing all this out has really made me see some stuff. I would still love any advice though.

 

[melissel]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pandora114 Mine also has this bad habit of leaving recyclables on the counter instead of putting them in their proper spot....

And oh yeah, about this. We have this too, except the cans and bottles manage to get within a foot of the bin, but somehow can only make it to the edge of the kitchen table, in front of the bin. THE BIN IS 6 INCHES AWAY!!! All the boxer briefs and Hanes undershirts in our house have the same inability to close the deal too

 

[mthomas]

the only advice I have is couples counseling. When dh and I have an issue that we can't work out ourselves that's what we do. be back to type more - kiddo needs a nap.

 

[frogguruami]

After 2 weeks of no clean jeans, DH finally realized that laundry was now his responsibilty. He does a very good job now!

:

 

[northern_sunshine]

I have some of the same issues with DH. He'll get upset cause DD has toys all over the coffee table, yet he doesn't have the ability to move his cups from the end table (until it's cluttered enough to cause him to knock something over and spill it, and it's the same with the cups he takes to bed with water in them). Or complains when none of his clothes are clean, yet seems to go through twice as many clothes as DD and I and is unable to put them in the washer (or he'll do only HIS laundry, we wouldn't want to wash our underwear together, ya know!) Our cans and bottles also get within INCHES of the cupboard where we store them, literally on the counter OVER the cupboard, but can't make it IN the cupboard.

:

The only way I've found to get him to do things around here is to flat out ask him to do stuff. And keep at him til he does it (not in a nasty way, but just remind him that it needs done until it's done, I don't harp on it and remind him every minute, more like every couple hours). If I don't ask him to do specific things and only ask for help, he'll do nothing. If I say "Will you unload the dishwasher and load it for me please?" he generally will within the next 6 hrs. If I ask him to put the clothes in the dryer, he'll usually do it the next time he goes to the bathroom.

It's pretty odd too, considering he and his siblings had a ton of chores when they were growing up (literally they were dusting and doing dishes and vacuuming from like 4-5 up). And his mom was PICKY (and not in a nice way), so they had to kinda predict what needed done and do it to perfection and hope it was good enough. It's not like I want perfection, I'm not the worlds neatest person (far from it), I just want it done and a little help doing it along the way.

 

[seaheroine]

I can so relate to this - and we don't even have kids yet. He's been seriously pushing the issue lately and I'm simply INCREDULOUS that he thinks I'll be willing to bring another life into the picture when he can't lift a finger around the house.

We both work full time out of the house, both commuting long distance, and it seems like MY days off are spent frantically trying to get as much cleaning done as humanly possible, while his involve relaxing on the couch and drinking soda. Every day I come home discouraged because of the list running in my head: dishes, dinner, the bathrooms, dog crates, the recyclables (all over my bathtub), laundry everywhere, the fridge needs to be cleaned, etc. etc. etc. Yard work. The sheets need to be washed. I'm in near breakdown mode because I feel so overwhelmed, on top of the paperwork I've got to do from work, and he's irritated because there is no clean laundry.

Truly, it's made me lose so much sexual attraction to him. I know he works hard and stresses over work, but he doesn't seem to see any of the work that I do - and that needs to be done - around here, and I can't help but think he is lazy, which irritates me more, since I spend my whole day delegating things that need to be done at work with success. If I ask him to do even one thing when I work on a day he has off, I get home and it isn't done. Even if its as simple as washing and oiling the cast iron pans. Then I'm tired, in the foulest mood possible, trying to clean up around him and he gets upset that I'm in a bad mood. Last weekend his Mother was over and she kept asking me why the garage door handle is near falling-off...and how he could let the house get to this state without taking any initiative to fix it.

Little does she know that I've asked him a million times to fix the stupid handle and he keeps brushing me off. Finally this morning, when he woke me up to complain about his pants, I asked him where his tools were so I can take care of it myself, which seems to happen regularly. I just wish he would be proactive. I try so hard to be proactive and to stay on top of things at work, extending it to the house when I have the energy, and he just chooses to do nothing. I'm resentful and irritated and I can't help but fantasize about living by myself, in a clean home I can and will manage, without a man leaving a trail of destruction and half-finished tasks around the house for me to pick up.

AND HE WANTS TO HAVE A BABY!

This post did nothing to help your situation...but you're not alone and I am sending big hugs your way!