How can I help DH through his depression?

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umm... I'm there! My DH has been unemployed for a while now, and is depressed about it. I don't have a lot of advice; if I did I'd be taking it! I'm just counting the days and assuming that this is a SITUATIONAL depression and when the situation changes things will get better. We've got 14 years together before this arose, so I have to think it's a temporary thing.

My Reiki instructor tells me to "strive for neutrality." The old "force versus power" chart, with neutrality right at the center (after that you can get acceptance, but that's a whole other step!). So I am trying to take this less personally, to realize that part of the issue is that the roles we have created over 14 years or so do not support HIM being out of work and depressed. I'm a "doer" and it's hard for me not to try to tell him how to fix everything. But I can't, and I need to keep working on letting go of resentment about his current attitude (and try to look at the few, small positives when I can).

BUT, one thing that would concern me is the outburst of anger. Of course he's angry. Depression and anger are linked in many ways. But outbursts and violence are not the answer, especially in a family with children to witness that. You can't change his mind, make him change jobs or attitudes, cheer up, or make different choices, but you CAN tell him that some things are unacceptable, and rages and childish tantrums, wall kicking, etc. will not be tolerated. JMO as a non professional though.

You're not alone. I'm sure there are many people on the board who are in or have been in similar situations. Take care,

I know it feels like your dh is pushing you away and you can't stand him. The truth is, he probably can't stand himself, either. I hated myself. Truly believed everyone would be better off without me. I was wrong, of course, but when you are in that kind of mental state you are not thinking really cleary. I would say, do what you think is best as far as making decisions your dh can't make right now. Also, I was a jerk to people to get them to go away from me, when really that was the last thing I wanted. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me it was all going to be okay. Now, if someone had actually done that I would have argued a blue streak and been even more of a jerk....but then I would have remembered they did that, later. Instead I remember other things, later, IYKWIM. Just have patience. And try to get your dh into a good therapist, it worked wonders for me. Good Luck.

~Lisa

Thanks for your replies,

Lisa, what you said was helpful, that even though you would have responded badly to kindness, you would have remembered it later. That's kind of how I'm trying to look at this, we're in for the long haul. It is so hard though because it goes against every instinct I have when someone is being an immature jerk.

Traci, you're right about drawing the line at violent outbursts. He's done stuff like that before and I've told him if he must react like that he needs to do it away from me and ds. I think he got it a little when he sees ds (who is 2) imitating him exactly when he's frustrated (kicking, banging his head with his fists, my personal favorite : ). For me, the problem comes when it's not physically violent or obviously mean, there's just this underlying well of frustration and anger that I can almost SEE floating around him and it kind of permeates normal interactions and a normal day at home, kwim? He'll shut the door a little hard, pull the covers up a little too aggressively, it all adds up.

Here's a question ... dh copes with his depression by withdrawing from reality .. i.e. watching videos and sleeping .. totally normal I know, but probably not helping him, right? What I mean is, should I actively try to get him to do things (like, "get up, let's go for a walk" or "could you take ds outside and play ball so I can do the dishes?") or just let him do whatever he feels like doing. It seems like one of those things where he just wants to be left alone but might thank me later for getting him to do stuff instead of just staying in bed ... or should I just let him be? I'm not the kind of wife to tolerate not helping around the house and especially with our son but I feel a little differently now that dh obviously has something going on in his head that's hard to deal with, kwim?

Thanks again.

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I think TV and sleeping is a better way to handle it then I did (I was a cutter). However, I don't know how much you should get him to do things. Sometimes, yes, but not all the time. That isn't a real answer, sorry. It is just so hard to deal with depression. However, please remember that you can only do so much and ultimately it is up to him to get better or not. That being said, he isn't thinking straight at the moment. You know him better than anyone. I think any reaction on your part is very situational. I don't think there is an easy answer or anything that would work all the time. Maybe you could try to get him to open up to you more about what he's feeling and follow his lead. It really helped me to talk about it, I even named my depression because it felt like this entity that was taking me over and I had to fight it away. Once it had a name, I could do battle. That is kind of a weird way to look at it, but it worked for me. I really hope things get better for you and your dh, it is a very difficult thing to go through.
~Lisa