[nerdymom]

My husband works a 3 days on, three days off 12 hour rotation (military). I am a SAHM to our 5 month old. I had an uncomfortable third trimester, with terrible heartburn and constant peeing. I have not STTN in 8 months. I am pretty tired! For the most part I feel good in the morning, but by evening I'm pooped. DH sleeps like a log, right through all of my and DS's nightwaking. DH always gets 7-9 hours of sleep, many times more than that. Plus he MUST have a shower when he gets up, and coffee, and time to read the news online. Sometimes I don't even remember to brush my teeth.

:

I feel like DH doesn't view what I do as work, and that somehow he is better than me because he gets a paycheck instead of an "allowance".

I love what I do, and it's worth it for sure. But I am tired! I would like a little more help, whatabout offering the shower to ME first in the morning, or offering to entertain Jack so that I can sleep in alittle, or something. I've tried saying "I am tired" but he doesn't understand why that would be. "You're home all day" he says. Then I get mad and he tunes me out.

Advice please? Thank you.

 

[AngieB]

You need to stop waiting for him to get it and start telling him what you need. Hand him the baby and say "I'm taking a shower now" or "I'm taking a nap have fun with the baby." He probably has not put together "I'm tired" with "I need a break and some help." Men in general do not seem to get hints very well.

 

[KnittingTigers]

I know that this is hard to do when you're nursing, but is it possible to leave him with your DS for a day? My DP spent a few days alone with our DD early on, and really "got it" after that. It made it much easier for us to negotiate things like taking turns getting out of bed with her in the morning, giving each other nights off, etc.

Also, instead of just telling him you're tired, maybe it would help to ask for specific things. For example, you could ask if he could get up with him two mornings a week so you could sleep for another hour or two. Or ask him to take him for a regular afternoon on his days off. Sometimes people need really concrete suggestions about how to help, you know?

 

[MissLotus]

Tell him exactly what you've said here. Say it the same way. Tell him you're entitled to a shower too, and you're the one who's been up all night. Don't ask him, just take your shower. Tell him you need some time online too before you begin a day with the baby. He obviously isn't about to offer, and you don't want this to be the permanent pattern. Change won't happen unless you make it happen!

 

[punkrockmomma]

I am a SAHM too, and am going through a "why can't you do such and such and why can't you pay for some of the bills. (I babysit for my friends daughter about 30 hours per week, and get payed on average $90/wk, and have always used that money for my needs, and wants. We aren't married) We are not hurting financially lately either. It drives me crazy! He doesn't understand how much I work too, just at home. (Sorry had to rant a bit, we just got into a fight about this stuff this evening.)
I know when it comes to certain things I need to get done, I've just gotten into the habit of saying "I'm going to (fill in the blank)", and leaving DP to tend to DD while I do what I need to do. Next time you need to take a shower, just tell him what your doing and give him the baby. See how he reacts. I know I feel guilty sometimes that I don't get certain things done, or have to ask him to get up early so I can do stuff like go to the doctor without DD

, because DP works about 50 hours per week. It's really hard being a stay at home parent, and unless you are one or have been one you wouldn't understand how hard it is. And it seems that SAHP's partners can be the least understanding sometimes. Again thanks for letting me rant a little.

 

[nerdymom]

Thank you for the insights. I suppose I do just need to push him into it. I consider myself a fairly thoughtful person, and I just wish that others were as considerate of me. I'd rather not push him into doing things, I prefer to have him offer, and do it out of love, and not because I'm forcing him. But I guess it's the same as that magical unicorn I wanted as a child - it just ain't gonna happen honey.

I've thought about leaving DP with DS for a day or two. I have more than enough milk pumped. But instead of teaching DP a lesson, I feel like it would just be a punishment for DS and I. I'd miss the little buggaboo too much, and right now he depends on me for comfort.

I just need to start spelling out what I need from DP. But really, I wish he could read my mind. I feel like I'm being demanding and ungracious when I say things like "please take him for an hour." I wish he's just offer. too bad.

 

[Lynn08]

It's been my experience that I need to be specific with dh as well. If I just say "I need help" or "I'm tired" he just tells me what I can do to solve the issue ("call my mom to give you a hand" or "go to sleep with lovey").

:

But if I am explicit in what I want/need and and phrase my request in such a way that makes him feel like my "hero" (ie "Babe, would you do me a huge favor and fold the laundry? I'm swamped and it would help me out so much!"), he has no problem giving me a hand. And, on the rare occasion that he can't/doesn't do what I've asked, I have to be ok with that and not get upset.

And there have been plenty of times where I just walked out of the room and did what I needed to do while he played with dd. It took me several months to get to that place (I always felt like I was taking advantage of him if I took a shower - go figure

) but now I know that it's better for me to just take the time I need than fester because he isn't "giving me" the time I need. And he appreciates that I'm not angry all the time anymore.

 

[LemonPie]

Quote:

I just need to start spelling out what I need from DP. But really, I wish he could read my mind. I feel like I'm being demanding and ungracious when I say things like "please take him for an hour." I wish he's just offer.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that if you have to ask for it, it doesn't mean as much. It's not fair to him. Perhaps he doesn't pick up on subtle cues well, but would be perfectly happy to help if he knew specificially what it was you wanted.

Get up 5 min before he does, tuck the baby in next to him, give him a kiss and say (sweetly) "Baby wants to snuggle with Daddy while Mommy gets a shower!" Or hand him the baby after he showers--he can definitely hold a recently-fed 5 month old while he drinks a cup of coffee and browses the news online. If you're tired, hand him the baby and just go put your feet up with a book for a bit.

Asking for what you want specifically doesn't have to be an aggressive behavior. You can be assertive without being harsh. And when he does help, make sure and thank him, even if it's something small. I've learned that simply thanking my husband for even tiny little things goes such a long way. He actually verbalized to me that it made him feel really good when I acknowledged what he'd done, even if it was as minor as putting a few dishes away or taking out the trash.

 

[bobandjess99]

Definitely a communication issue..lol..I just taught a class on communication this week, so this sounds all too familiar.

Instead of saying "I'm tired"....and then waiting and expecting him to respond with "Okay,I'll hold the baby while you nap then shower."

You need to say "I need a time to shower and sometimes, I need to get a little more sleep. Let's come up with a schedule for that. How about after dinner you play with JAck while I shower, and on Thursdays, I will be the one to sleep in while you get up with him. "

 

[confustication]

I struggled with this with my first. I don't know why, but I felt guilty asking her dad to do things I thouht he should want to do with her- because, you know, it's part of being her dad? He is also military, and worked 3 days out and 4+ days back (yay missile silos.)

He never did get around to offering, and I just hit the wall and learned to do it all alone- evntually. In his case, he wasn't asking because he didn't 'get' being a dad/partner, but I was also guilty as I didn't really voice my needs clearly enough for him to understand them. I don't know if it would have made a difference at that point, as he and I are no longer together, and he doesn't contact us at all. "Thoughtful' isn't on his radar.

My husband (I have remarried) was somewhat passive when our son was born this past summer as well, but I'm a whole lot better now (apparently I'm old and tired- which means cranky ) at saying, "I need XXXXXXXXXXXX." I handed him the baby, and I went to take a shower- he's not a babysitter doing me a favor, he's this child's dad, and the hard stuff, and the good stuff, are to be equally shared. Stand up for your needs, and don't feel guilty.

 

[*Erin*]

he's the baby's OTHER PARENT, which means it's his duty and responsibility to do some caregiving. he works and brings home money, awesome, and he's a father, too. you should not be feeling like you have to do it all just because he brings in the money!! and he has a great schedule! my dh works 5 and 6 days a week, for 12 hrs or more a day and he still gets up in the mornings and lets me sleep in alot-i take care of both our kids, homeschool, keep the house, the bills, do the cooking, shopping, entertainment arrangements-he knows i work hard!

i don't mean to "yell" lol, but that just chaps my bum for you, mama! he's a parent, too. he is not doing you a favor watching his own child for a while so you can bathe or sleep in or *gasp* take a moment to do nothing!

if i were in your shoes, i would tell him what i need him to do, don't ask. put the baby in the stroller after you nurse him good, and send him and your dh out the door for a loooong walk. tell him, i need you to get up with the baby in the am so i can catch up on a bit of sleep.

"here, dh!here's your son, and I'm going to take a shower, now!"
walk away!
don't ask, just tell him. you don't need to be mean to be assertive

sometimes dudes need it spelled out for them. even when they love us, they don't intuit our needs like we wish they would alot of the time.

good luck!
and don't you dare feel guilty, you can't take care of everyone when you don't take care of yourself. hugs, mama.

 

[mommy68]

When it comes to having a small baby in the house I think that the husband should offer to help out. While I wouldn't expect my DH to help during the night since he has to go to work the next day very early, I do expect him to help once he returns home from work and up until bedtime. I am pregnant with # 3 and if my DH simply chose to do nothing to help me with our baby once it gets here then he'd get an ear full. The first year is very hard with a baby in the house and he knows this. I remember with our last child that as soon as he would walk in the door from work he would take her and hold her (she was very colicky for months on end) and even though I also didn't STTN for many, many months it helped when my DH would help out during the daytime hours.

When it comes to your children (especially babies) your DH should be helping out when he is there, especially if he has time to relax and get on the computer or read or do whatever else that is of no importance next to a small baby.

 

[mommy68]

Quote:

Originally Posted by nerdymom Thank you for the insights. I suppose I do just need to push him into it. I consider myself a fairly thoughtful person, and I just wish that others were as considerate of me. I'd rather not push him into doing things, I prefer to have him offer, and do it out of love, and not because I'm forcing him.

You have to realize that men and women think differently. A man just isn't going to understand what he needs to do, especially when it comes to a baby or small child. My DH didn't. He is much better as a parent to our older children than he is to our children when they were babies. I think some men just figure that us women have a natural instinct to know what to do with a baby so they don't interfere or know how to offer to help. We have to tell them what to do and when to do it.