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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I haven't even started yet, though I am just about ready, because I am afraid.<br><br>
How do I parent a 19 month-old to sleep for naps and night who is yelling and arching because he is not being nursed to sleep?<br><br>
How do the parents who have peaceful times reading stories and rocking do it? My son won't even think of sitting and enjoying a story when what he wants is to nurse, and to complicate further, he has always disliked being rocked or cuddled in any way if it didn't include nursing (won't cuddle DH either).<br><br><br>
If I can't seem to cut down on length or number of nursings without causing ds to show be with his behavior that he needs to nurse more, do I need to wean cold-turkey?<br><br>
How would one wean cold-turkey in an moderately AP way?<br>
I have read "How Weaning Happens" and "Mothering Your Nursing Toddler", but still need more help/ideas/success stories. Please also post if you had a terrible time weaning at about this age, so I will feel better <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I think your baby is telling you he still needs to nurse. I would re-evaluate why you think it's so important to wean right now, it seems to me that he is very clear that he still needs to nurse. All of the research I've read indicates that humans need to nurse until at least 2 or 2.5<br><br>
-Angela
 

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I agree with PP....your child is still VERY young...you did not post WHY you think you must wean right now...but it seems obvious that your child is not at all ready to wean.......unless it is some sort of truly unavoidable reason, I would second the idea that you re-evaluate and not wean right now....you yourself seem to think that weaning your dc will cause emotional trauma, and say yourself that you believe he might "show you with his behavior that he needs to nurse more" so if you know that he needs to nurse, I don't get why you feel you need to wean right now?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kvan</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><i>IIf I can't seem to cut down on length or number of nursings without causing ds to show be with his behavior that he needs to nurse more, do I need to wean cold-turkey?</i><br><br>
How would one wean cold-turkey in an <i>moderately AP way</i>?<br>
I have read "How Weaning Happens" and "Mothering Your Nursing Toddler", but still need more help/ideas/success stories. Please also post if you had a terrible time weaning at about this age, so I will feel better <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"></div>
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<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch"><br><br>
How could you put those two together?<br><br>
AP + "he needs to nurse more" = cold turkey weaning?<br><br>
I don't know your needs, desires or motivations, but from everything you have said you realize the benifits of continuing to nurse, your DS shows you he needs to nurse and it is not easy to wean, so... perhaps you could share your motivations for weaning? They might be easier to deal with than an inconsolable son.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I agree with what the previous posters have said, and wanted to add <a href="http://askdrsears.com/html/2/T026400.asp" target="_blank">this link</a>.<br>
I hope you're doing ok Mama.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I was just hoping for one/some of the mamas out there in MDC-land that HAVE weaned when THEY were ready, (even though their child probably wasn't) would post some stories.<br><br>
Nursing should continue as long as both the mama and the child are willing and able. I am half that equation.<br><br>
There are mamas here who have weaned cold-turkey. I have read at least three who have, but they didn't tell their story, so I didn't get to hear it all...<br><br>
My pediatrician, who is a compassionate and loving doctor and father, and who has discussed tandem nursing with me, also believes that it is not cruel to wean at around this age.<br><br>
I intentionally posted this HERE instead of in the Child-Led forum...hoping to hear some honest accounts from practical, caring mamas who are not willing to nurse until the ideal age...I believe that I can still be a natural and loving AP mama without ignoring my needs.<br><br>
I also do not feel it at all appropriate for mamas wishing to "help" to do so by asking me to explain my reasoning for weaning first. Need I post my personal reasons in order to earn advice?<br><br>
I do not want or need to know if you agree with my reasons for wishing to wean, and I do not need to hear that my child wishes to continue to nurse... I am well aware of that.<br><br><b>I</b> do not wish to continue to nurse for another 6 months or a year. Soooo....that as a given....how have other caring mamas, who chose not to nurse much past 20 months, progressed next???<br><br>
Please feel free to pm me with your stories.
 

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Although my experience is not the same as yours, I do think that if you need to wean, for whatever reason, you will need some support. Do you have a partner who can take some of the burden of nighttime and/or naps for awhile? What have you tried/considered so far? Being sure to give lots of extra attention at this time is pretty important and distraction can work depending on the child's age/personality. Since I don't know your reasons or timetable for weaning, gradual weaning may not work for you so if you do decide to go "cold turkey" please be sure that you give yourselves extra love and care at this time and take precautions to avoid mastitis/plugged ducts too!
 

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AP is about listening to what your child needs. You are telling us that you are quite aware that your child needs MORE nursing. I do not hear that there is a compelling medical reason to wean at this time. I understand that you are tired and touched out <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> We all feel that way sometimes. 2 years is not the ideal. 2 years is the bare minimum- please give your child that, it's his birthright.<br><br>
Your child does not WISH to nurse longer- your child NEEDS to nurse longer, please respect those needs.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
-Angela
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kvan</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I was just hoping for one/some of the mamas out there in MDC-land that HAVE weaned when THEY were ready, (even though their child probably wasn't) would post some stories.</div>
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Many AP mos try to put their child's needs first, however. You are quoting the AAP (an org in cahoots with drug, formula and baby furniture $$$ associations), not really a source for AP parenting.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Nursing should continue as long as both the mama and the child are willing and able. I am half that equation.</td>
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Yes, and to help you, we are asking why you are no longer willing or able. How much is it worth it to you, to wean now, when it will cause yr ds pain? Only you can answer that, in your heart. No need to say it here, if you'd rather not.<br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">My pediatrician, who is a compassionate and loving doctor and father, and who has discussed tandem nursing with me, also believes that it is not cruel to wean at around this age.</td>
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But your son seems to feel differently. When a baby is crying hysterically, where is the feedback that he does not feel hurt?<br><br>
So, what is up with the tandem nursing? Are you pg, or ttcing, or just thinking about it? It is much easier to wean when actually pg, b/c your supply goes way down. BTDT.<br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I also do not feel it at all appropriate for mamas wishing to "help" to do so by asking me to explain my reasoning for weaning first. Need I post my personal reasons in order to earn advice?</td>
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No, but I think we will not give you "permission" to ignore your child's feelings b/c yr dr says it is not cruel to do so. If we can't have an honest discussion about mother's feelings, we will not be able to answer in a helpful way.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I do not want or need to know if you agree with my reasons for wishing to wean, and I do not need to hear that my child wishes to continue to nurse... I am well aware of that.<br></td>
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I respect your privacy. I have no information on how to make a 19 mo baby stop crying for what he needs. Sorry. If he was 2 1/2 I would. He would/will be more verbal and distractable then.<br><br>
Also, the beginning of winter is the worst time to wean, b/c you are leaving him wide open for viruses.<br><br>
Just gently asking for you to consider this.
 

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Karin,<br><br>
I know this is a tough time! I think no one told us weaning is hard, because very few mamas nurse their children this long anymore. It is probably VERY easy to wean a babe 1 year or less. When you hit the 15 month mark, when a baby is cognizant of what they want and need, it becomes much harder.<br><br>
Then if you are a mama who considers to go longer, you almost join the clw crowd. I feel like there is a small number inbetween mamas. So you leading the weaning is going to be difficult for both of you! No matter what.<br><br>
If anything, I think cold turkey weaning is the worst route you can choose. Hard on your baby and hard on you! You will probably get engorged, your body will feel like it has the flu etc. I am sure you have checked out Kellymom.com, if not they have some great advice.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I do put my son's needs first, all day every day.<br><br>
I know that children are not ready to wean, really ready, until age 3 or 4. I am fairly sure that I do not wish to nurse ds until 3 or 4. I respect and am amazed by all you mamas who do, and who knows...I may end up doing so too, but it is not something I believe will work for our family. I have been resenting nursing him more and more each month since 16 months. Every month I get more frustrated, more isolated, and more ready for him to learn new ways to be comforted, and more new ways to connect with me.<br><br>
I am not dead-set on weaning right this minute. I just need to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am no longer willing to nurse my flailing, busy, toddler in public (even at a friend's or family-member's house) so I stay home with him. We cannot go anywhere. He is an intense child who instead of being distracted by fun outings, gets stressed and needs to nurse more in these situations...so we stay home.<br><br>
This is not good for him and it isn't good for me. A minute or two of nursing is not worth missing out on the rest of life. I truly believe that he is ready to find comfort in my presence (and/or DH's presence) without actually suckling.<br><br>
He has never had any interest in cuddling or being held, especially by me. It is all about "the milkies". I cannot even read a book with him or hold him on my hip. It is embarrassing to me so I do not visit any of my friends or family who are liable to comment...insinuating that I must be a control-freak or emotionally needy myself to be still "indulging" him if I am unhappy with our nursing relationship. I realize that this is all normal behavior for a 19 month old, but that doesn't make it any more manageable because NO ONE I am social with, nor any of my relatives, agree with or understand extended nursing. I am so tired of being the outcast and having to explain myself or hide in a separate room to nurse. I am tired of being embarrassed.<br><br>
I am also in need of some time away. Just a half-day. Maybe a day. I haven't been away from ds for more than 3 hours since he was born, and I have done that maybe twice. If I do go out, it is to the grocery store, or some other errand (not soul-enriching to say the least), and I am always in a panic about getting home in time. I need to be able to be GLAD that ds is enjoying time with someone other than me. It takes a village to raise a child, but my son has never met the village, because we can't go anywhere and if we do go somewhere, I am a mess worrying about when he will start stuffing his hands down my shirt or having a tantrum for a couple of seconds of nursing.<br><br>
It is getting in the way of him learning about his world, and of me being his guide through it.<br><br>
So,<br><br>
If I know to truly listen to what my child needs (which I am good at and proud of parenting him this way) BUT am not willing to nurse till 3 or 4 ... How do I reconcile that? Is there a time or a way that will feel to him like he is being heard and listened to, but will also help me to guide him toward weaning sooner-rather-than-later?<br><br><br>
For bedtime is the only nursing that I really am sure he needs. He relishes in the connection. We really become one again for 20 minutes as he falls asleep. I am happy to continue this.<br><br>
This is my last post, I think. I don't think I am going to find any imperfect AP moms like myself here. I appreciate you all taking the time to write.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>keepin'itsimple</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">When you hit the 15 month mark, when a baby is cognizant of what they want and need, it becomes much harder.<br><br>
Then if you are a mama who considers to go longer, you almost join the clw crowd. I feel like there is a small number inbetween mamas. So you leading the weaning is going to be difficult for both of you! No matter what.</div>
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OK!!! THIS is what I was wondering so much about! Thank you! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
I didn't know that 15 months was a mark, though I sure do now <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> . I knew that I wanted to go past a year, so I knew I was in the "past a year" crowd. I never was willing to claim to be part of the CLW crowd.<br><br>
I see how many who continue to nurse past 15 months is in the CLW crowd. Now I understand, THERE ARE VERY FEW IN BETWEEN mamas!!! Probably because between 15 months and 2 1/2 years is the hardest time to wean, huh?<br><br>
I guess I missed my window <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nut.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nut"> .<br><br>
Sooo...any other in between mamas out there? or am I alone.
 

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Could dh watch him for a day? I know he seems to only be comforted when nursing, but have you tried going away entirely and leaving him with your dh? It's possible that when the source of milk isn't right there that your ds will be more open to things like cuddling and stories from your dh. It could be worth trying for a few hours to give yourself a sanity break.
 

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I just wanted to add that many friends of mine including myself seem to find 15 to 20 months or so a challenging time. Many say the nursing slowed down only to pick up alot during this time. You are not alone in some of your frustrations. At about 20 months or so I had some training to attend and I left my son with my husband for about 8 hours. That was the first more than 2 hour separation. Could you get some support so you could have some more me time? Maybe that will help while you figure out what you are going to do. I know that I need some time here and there to do some things just for me. My children are always first but I can get touched out. I have a new nursling so I haven't been taking much me time. Anyway for me it helped and put things in perspective when I had some time to develop my interests. My son weaned at almost 3 while I was pregnant with #2.
 

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Have you checked into La Leche League? Some groups have toddler meetings. My group had many moms who chose to wean on mom's timetable, and many who let the child decide as well. It could help combat the criticism from the other moms in your life you mention, who act like your child's normal behavior is due to some (supposed) flaw in you....which is so untrue and unfair and just adds to your stress.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> ((((HUGS)))) mama!<br>
really, it is hard to keep nursing him. But you know what's harder? Listening to your baby cry when all it would take to calm him down is a little nursing. My children have always been easier to deal with when I nurse them *more* often. Sounds counter-intuitive almost, at least goes against what everyone else tells you. But it works. When my kids are extra fussy, when they throw fits, when they refuse to cooperate with anything I want them to do, the problem usually is that they have not nursed often enough lately. And maybe I'm just lazy, or my heart isn't hard enough, or whatever, but it's really much easier to nurse them than to try not to and have to deal with the behavioral issues, with the nightwaking, and the temper tantrums instead.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kvan</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I am not dead-set on weaning right this minute. I just need to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am no longer willing to nurse my flailing, busy, toddler in public (even at a friend's or family-member's house) so I stay home with him. We cannot go anywhere. He is an intense child who instead of being distracted by fun outings, gets stressed and needs to nurse more in these situations...so we stay home.<br><br>
This is not good for him and it isn't good for me. A minute or two of nursing is not worth missing out on the rest of life. I truly believe that he is ready to find comfort in my presence (and/or DH's presence) without actually suckling.<br><br>
He has never had any interest in cuddling or being held, especially by me. It is all about "the milkies". I cannot even read a book with him or hold him on my hip. It is embarrassing to me so I do not visit any of my friends or family who are liable to comment...insinuating that I must be a control-freak or emotionally needy myself to be still "indulging" him if I am unhappy with our nursing relationship.</div>
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<br>
OH!!! I missed this part...<br><br>
you need new friends. Real life support makes all the difference in the world. I thought that would be impossible for me, but I found them. I found them when I wasn't even looking for them! We joined a homeschool support group when my oldest was about 15 months old. So I'm sitting there wondering if they'd be uncomfortable with me nursing my toddler, when another mama nurses her baby, and when she's done, her three year old jumps up on her lap for a little milky snack, too! I was amazed and awestruck! I couldn't believe it. And after hanging around them some, I don't care who sees me nursing my kids anymore. Funny thing is, nobody else seems to care when I do it either. I walk downtown with almost-two-year-old nursing in a sling, and the only comments I get are "that is so cool!" and "where did you get that sling?"<br>
I wander through the aquarium nursing her in the sling, and one lady did mention to me that they have a nursing room, but she also said in the next breath "you don't have to go there, and it doesn't look like you need to, either. Just thought I'd mention it in case you needed somewhere quieter."<br>
Have you tried hooking up with other mdc mamas in your area? Check out the tribal forums!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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I hear your pain! Momma, I don't have any way to offer weaning help as my dd weaned at 10ish months, but I do hear what you are trying to say. Sometimes we as mommas get lost along the way of raising our children. Yes, we need to put our children first but there is nothing wrong with that. Given that it sounds like you have a pretty spirited little boy who you are often going to struggle with his coping skills.<br>
sorry I have no real answers...you can try replacing some cuddle/nursing time with another form of affection. I care for a little one who doesn't want to be held unless it is on his terms so instead I rub his back or tossle his hair. Being close/connected isn't always about nursing or holding.
 

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I would suggest weaning gradually (this will be the least upsetting for your ds) and start with giving up the least important nursing of the day. You'll have to come up with an alternative activity for him (a snack, a story, a walk in the stroller, something to replace the nursing session) and when he gets comfortable with that then start thinking about the next least important nursing of the day. I think that when you wean this way you have to prepare yourself ahead of time for alot of time not sitting down (so you're not signalling to your ds that he can crawl up for a nurse) and come up with other alternatives to make him happy and also let him know that even though your not giving him a nurse, you are still there for him.<br><br>
Another way that some mothers find useful to cut back on nursing is to limit the amount of time at the breast - telling your ds that you will nurse until you count to 10 or 20 and then ending the session. This might make it more tolerable for you and feel like a compromise to your ds.<br><br>
Good luck and give yourself as much time with this as possible.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I understand your frustration. Take a deep breath and look at what can be done to improve the situation. It sounds like you need some "me" time- bad. That's cool. Plan on that. Set up a day- within the next week or two- put it on the calendar. Tell your dh he will be having baby-duty. Go to the spa. Get your nails done. Drink coffee and read a cheap paperback- whatever it is that will help you re-charge. your babe is old enough to handle that. He'll be fine with daddy for a few hours. Then, plan some regular you-time. Maybe 2 hours at the library on Monday nights- something that you can do regularly and look forward to.<br><br>
Next- your son is old enough to be okay with some limits on nursing. Maybe you can start going out more (start in little bits if you're worried) and the rule can be no nursing except at home. He can get used to that.<br><br>
I think you'll feel a lot better about nursing in general if you can get some space for you.<br><br>
There is a middle ground here- you CAN take care of your needs AND his.<br><br>
-Angela
 
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