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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been very up front with DH that I wouldn't spank dd and that I expect the same from him. He was abused as a child and has some anger issues. He had no intentions of spanking her himself, but still thinks spankings are important. "That's how children learn." I know that's a load of BS but I don't know how to convince him.

Last night dd wouldn't settle down and go to bed. She was laying in bed, but she just kept rolling around and changing positions. I was letting it go because I knew she would settle down after a little while. This started to get on dh's nerves so he spanked her. I got very upset, it didn't solve the problem and now I really need to confront him about it.

I think I'm going to point out some stuff like...
He's always saying that dd is going to be a brat like his 4 year old brother is because I don't discipline her.(I do... I just don't yell or try very hard not to and I don't spank.) Well mil spanks and yells and it's not getting her anywhere.
Ask him when the last time he was hit by his mom. Then ask him if he remembers what it was for. If he does then ask him if it changed that behavior.

So ladies anything you can add to help me out would be greatly appreciated. TIA.
 

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I'm not sure what advice to give you, but I wanted to tell you that I'm kind of in the same boat. My dh thinks spankings are important for the really "bad" things the kids do (well, kid- he wouldn't spank our 8 month old).

I think that there are other threads here that maybe have links to websites on GD, or at least have some books on GD that maybe your dh could read. I think it's important to just tell him exactly why you believe spanking is wrong and maybe tell him exactly what GD is. I know that my dh didn't quite understand GD, but I kept assuming he did. Well, I finally had to sit him down and go over the main points with him. I don't think he 100% agrees with me, but he does see that my ds responds better to me than he does to him (which is kind of sad).

Sorry, I know that's not much help, but I guess I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone! I know that there are a lot of other mamas on the boards who have gone through (or are going through) similar circumstances. Hopefully they'll respond to your question!

Good luck. I'll be thinking about you!

S.
 

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Actually, I wasn't thinking of having him read it but for you to read for more support on why you shouldn't spank.

For example here is a link to the Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Kids After reading it you might find it easier to refute
"That's how children learn."

Then you need to model the way you think DD should be treated. I think that seeing the results you get will be the best teacher.

How old is DD? I'm wondering if your DH is aware of what is developmently appropriate. I think many children have a hard time settling down to sleep. I know my 3 year old does. I can't see anyway that spanking could help. It doesn't make her more comfortable and relaxed (solving her problem) it just hurts her.

Do you think he'd be willing to go to therapy for his anger issues or take parenting classes?

I hope this post makes some sense and I wish you good luck.
Angela
 

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I don't know if you could also make a (probably more basic) argument that spanking is going to conflict with what you would like to teach her about her "private area" i.e. it's for her alone and certainly is not meant to be hurt by anyone. It might make him think more in a protective dad kind of way, what type of example is he setting for future relationships - do men hurt? do they hit? do they hurt you where you are vulnerable? dads can have such a positive influence, it would be sad to think otherwise.

My daughter was horrified when she heard about spankings at preschool. "Mama, did you know some parents HIT their kids on their PRIVATE AREA?! You aren't supposed to touch someone's private area even, and their mommy/daddy hits them on it!"

I've always found that aspect a little creepy myself, when you think about it. Not that common society or most people think about it that way, but the buttocks are an erogenous zone, and there is some sort of weird sexual/power thing that comes to mind. Why hit a kid somewhere you spend so much time teaching is private and not be shared with the whole world.

When you ask him about his last spanking, maybe also ask - how did you feel about your mom? Do you want your daughter to feel that way about you? Did you feel ashamed/angry/hurt/surprised that someone you love acted this way towards you? I was spanked a LOT as a kid as well - these were the emotions that have always stood out for me, and why I'd never do the same.
 

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Okay, I am once again going to recommend "The Secret of Parenting" by Anthony Wolf.

Its not super AP. But it is a method of disciplining without punishment where the Parent is "in charge".

Dh's who won't listen to anything else will often listen to this. Its really easy to read though you could read it to him. Its FUNNY. It even has little funny cartoons!

Even the mama's I know for whom it is too "strict" or too "unattached" can live with their dh's using this method while they use what they consider "more AP".
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnasMominPA
How old is DD? I'm wondering if your DH is aware of what is developmently appropriate. I think many children have a hard time settling down to sleep. I know my 3 year old does. I can't see anyway that spanking could help. It doesn't make her more comfortable and relaxed (solving her problem) it just hurts her.

Do you think he'd be willing to go to therapy for his anger issues or take parenting classes?

I hope this post makes some sense and I wish you good luck.
Angela
The post made complete sense to me. DD is 15 months and I think what she was doing was very much developmentally appropriate. She has started falling asleep after breastfeeding and not during. So it takes her a little while to settle and I'm fine with that.

He's been in therapy in the past. He is in a much better place then he was when I first met him. I think I may have overstated the anger a bit. It's more of an inability to deal with stress, except by smoking and he's just quit. Not that I'm making excuses, because it was completely unacceptable what he did.

At this point I think it's about breaking the cycle. I want to convey that to him. He needs to be an active part of it.

More then anything I think it is unnecessary. There are other ways to deal with a problem then using physical force.

I think that I will also mention that it can set her up for an abusive relationship. My father hit me, so it's alright for my bf to do it.

I really appreciate everyone's input. It's very helpful getting all my ducks in a line before I talk to him about it.
 
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